She contacted me again after months

[BC1980]

I do have five months, yes. My issue is more about how uncomfortable I'd be with cold bloodedly using some woman in a very obvious ploy to save face in front of my ex. That's a cruelty I want no part of.

 

I don't think the idea was originally suggested as cruelty, and I don't think anyone here would advocate using someone as a prop at a wedding. But it might be a good idea to take a female friend. Just to assure you have someone to talk to and sit with. It might be a good distraction.

[Earlybird2016]

You are permitted to take a female acquaintance with you to a wedding. I've done it and I've been the +1 of someone in that capacity. No one said this date needs to be a girlfriend or someone you need to parade around in front of your ex all night in the hopes of sparking jealousy.

 

Jealousy would be nice, but I swear it's the furthest thing from my mind right now. But you do bring up a good point that I'd welcome your thoughts on.

 

I have to hear about her and see photos of her every single day because of where we worked. I have to take the same commute we took, walk past the office building where I know she's she's sitting with him. In ten years, there's not a bar, cafe, library, street, whatever, where we haven't been together. I honestly couldn't escape those triggers without uprooting my ENTIRE life (a financial and practical impossibility). It's even been suggested that SHE couldn't get over this unless she'd got a different job and moved to a completely new city five months into her relationship.

 

Ten years entwined our lives to the degree you'd expect, and that unfortunately means that every female acquaintance I have is also an acquaintance of hers. If I DID ask someone who wasn't involved in that way, it would be ENTIRELY for the purposes of not going to the event alone.

 

I take your point about moving forward, but in a purely practical sense how do I escape the triggers without using someone (as, it's been suggested, she is using her current boyfriend). As an aside, my job and hers are very specialised, and the only other place I could do it would be THEIR workplace. About three weeks before the split, she was doing everything she could to get me an interview there so we could work together.

[Earlybird2016]

I don't think the idea was originally suggested as cruelty, and I don't think anyone here would advocate using someone as a prop at a wedding. But it might be a good idea to take a female friend. Just to assure you have someone to talk to and sit with. It might be a good distraction.

 

Thank you. I know what people mean but (and I've explained more in my last post) anyone who I opted to invite as a companion would UNAVOIDABLY be a "prop" and that FEELS cruel.

[NopeNah]

Thank you. I know what people mean but (and I've explained more in my last post) anyone who I opted to invite as a companion would UNAVOIDABLY be a "prop" and that FEELS cruel.

I don't think it would be cruel if you were upfront with them. Hell, free food/drink? Yes please!

[Earlybird2016]

Jealousy would be nice, but I swear it's the furthest thing from my mind right now. But you do bring up a good point that I'd welcome your thoughts on.

 

I have to hear about her and see photos of her every single day because of where we worked. I have to take the same commute we took, walk past the office building where I know she's she's sitting with him. In ten years, there's not a bar, cafe, library, street, whatever, where we haven't been together. I honestly couldn't escape those triggers without uprooting my ENTIRE life (a financial and practical impossibility). It's even been suggested that SHE couldn't get over this unless she'd got a different job and moved to a completely new city five months into her relationship.

 

Ten years entwined our lives to the degree you'd expect, and that unfortunately means that every female acquaintance I have is also an acquaintance of hers. If I DID ask someone who wasn't involved in that way, it would be ENTIRELY for the purposes of not going to the event alone.

 

I take your point about moving forward, but in a purely practical sense how do I escape the triggers without using someone (as, it's been suggested, she is using her current boyfriend). As an aside, my job and hers are very specialised, and the only other place I could do it would be THEIR workplace. About three weeks before the split, she was doing everything she could to get me an interview there so we could work together.

 

Bumping for feedback ...

[LD1990]

You need to start dating and getting laid again. Seriously.

 

Stop looking at it like you'd be using people. Look at it like you and a woman are going to go out together, enjoy each other's company, and hopefully have a good time, without any expectations for the future. Your problem is you keep looking 50 steps ahead to this hypothetical future where you're with some woman you don't love as much as your ex. It doesn't have to be like that. It's just a date, you're not committing to anything more.

 

It's a shame that your work situation is like that and you're getting constant reminders of your ex, but it sounds like there's nothing you can do about that. But I guarantee you'd be feeling a helluva lot better if you had spent the last year getting some ass instead of analyzing texts from your ex.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

First of all, it isn't impossible to move away. Even if it was incredibly difficult and took some time, you could find a way if that is what you really wanted.

 

That being said, you have made it clear that you don't want to uproot your life, which is fair enough. It is a huge decision that you should only make if you think it would make you happier in the long run.

 

Going to the event with a female friend for company actually sounds like a good idea in my opinion. I'm not talking about a date, just someone who you get along with and can have a laugh with. I really don't think you should go alone.

 

As for the triggers, I would suggest therapy, however, I'm not sure it would work as long as you continue to wait for her to change her mind, not to mention all the social and professional connections. I mean, you don't really want to stop having these feelings about her, right?

 

I guess you have to decide what is most important to you.

[Earlybird2016]

You need to start dating and getting laid again. Seriously.

 

Stop looking at it like you'd be using people. Look at it like you and a woman are going to go out together, enjoy each other's company, and hopefully have a good time, without any expectations for the future. Your problem is you keep looking 50 steps ahead to this hypothetical future where you're with some woman you don't love as much as your ex. It doesn't have to be like that. It's just a date, you're not committing to anything more.

 

It's a shame that your work situation is like that and you're getting constant reminders of your ex, but it sounds like there's nothing you can do about that. But I guarantee you'd be feeling a helluva lot better if you had spent the last year getting some ass instead of analyzing texts from your ex.

 

I'll be honest, I'm not looking 50 dates ahead to a hypothetical future, I'm only ever looking ONE (unwanted) date ahead to wasting some woman's evening or whatever when I have NO interest in spending any time with her, and if I were to ask anyone out (or frankly, accept any of the invitations I receive every couple of weeks or so) it wouldn't be unreasonable for a woman to presume wrongly that I had some interest.

 

"I guarantee you'd be feeling a helluva lot better if you had spent the last year getting some ass instead of analyzing texts from your ex."

 

Maybe, but I'm unconvinced that getting together with someone I have ZERO connection with/attraction to is especially healthy, for me or them. And as you say, it's been a year, and to be fair even when we were in NC, I made a pact with myself that if I met anyone who was ONE percent as attractive physically and/or in personality as my ex I'd be open to it. Sadly in 12 months, every woman hasn't come close to that.

[Blanco]

It's not healthy to use someone to mask your pain, but it's also unhealthy to sit around pining for someone who has been long gone for a year.

[Ossiris]

Just let her be. Writing is on the wall man. She moved on. Move on as well.Aĺl the best.

[LD1990]

Christ man, what are you even looking for here at this point? This whole 300+ post topic you've been asking essentially the same questions just to ignore everyone's advice.

 

People recommend NC - nope, you say it's immature and will ruin your chance of reconciliation.

People recommend telling her how you feel - nope, she has a boyfriend so you're not going to do that.

People recommend taking a date to the wedding - nope, you'd just be using her.

 

Exactly how well is your method of "sit around and wait for her texts" working out for you? You're taking the most passive possible approach because you're scared of life without her. That's why you won't just open up to her about how you feel, because you're afraid she'll shut you down.

[Been]

Bro listen. I wouldn't even go to the wedding-you'd be going for all the wrong reasons.

If you don't want to date-and I understand that-then you have to occupy your time somehow. Go to the gym. Better yourself. Something.

I know what it is to sit around and overthink every little thing. But the fact is it doesn't change anything.

And think about this. If she knocked on your door tomorrow and asked you what you've been up to what would you say? I've been analyzing everything from are past relationship. Think how weak that sounds. Instead of being able to say something like I've been working out,taking classes etc you'd basically be telling her your doing the SAMETHING as when she left you.

[Earlybird2016]

Bro listen. I wouldn't even go to the wedding-you'd be going for all the wrong reasons.

If you don't want to date-and I understand that-then you have to occupy your time somehow. Go to the gym. Better yourself. Something.

I know what it is to sit around and overthink every little thing. But the fact is it doesn't change anything.

And think about this. If she knocked on your door tomorrow and asked you what you've been up to what would you say? I've been analyzing everything from are past relationship. Think how weak that sounds. Instead of being able to say something like I've been working out,taking classes etc you'd basically be telling her your doing the SAMETHING as when she left you.

 

I have to go to the wedding, I think (it's a long-term and much loved friend, and I'd kind of LIKE to go to see my friend's big day).

 

And if she knocked on my door now? Well, the truth of it is that in the year since the breakup, I've been to the gym and look pretty good now, I've been promoted at work, new friends, new hobbies, a very active social life. The truth is that every single aspect of my life is fine in and of itself, but ... I don't have her, and obviously all the good stuff is spoiled by not having the one positive that I TRULY want.

[Blanco]

OK, well like I've said before, just accept that your life is going to suck until you die because you've decided this woman is the only thing that can make your life truly happy and you can't have her because she is building a life with another man. Let's stop going round and round in circles here.

[Earlybird2016]

OK, well like I've said before, just accept that your life is going to suck until you die because you've decided this woman is the only thing that can make your life truly happy and you can't have her because she is building a life with another man. Let's stop going round and round in circles here.

 

And like I'VE said before ... I HAVE accepted that my life is going to be like that, irrespective of what I've already achieved/might achieve in the future.

[Blanco]

So then why the heck is this thread so massive?

[Earlybird2016]

If there's one thing I've learned in the twelve months since my breakup, coping (at least with even a slim chance of the slightest peace of mind or happiness) isn't always an option.

 

Long story short, she left me for a work colleague she'd known for about two months at Christmas last year. We'd known each other ten years, together for four. She moved in with him five months after they got together.

 

She ignored all initiated contact (I quit in mid February), then nothing until the beginning of June, when she texted me. She's texted maybe eight or nine times since then, every few weeks, all pleasant enough chats.

 

The last time was about five weeks ago, in which she admitted that all her previous random reasons for texting were just excuses to talk to me, and that I was welcome to contact her any time.

 

I haven't, of course, because she has a boyfriend.

 

The point is, be very wary of all the advice dumpees receive. In the last year I've worked out, worked to be promoted at work, taken up new hobbies and revisited old ones. Not a single reminder of her exists in my home, I've made tons of new friends, travelled. Months of therapy. Lots of positive moves. About the only thing I haven't done is date again, because it would be unfair to lead someone on that they have a chance of physical or emotional intimacy with me.

 

Because when you love someone - and I mean REALLY love them, away from childish notions of one-itis or soulmates - NOTHING helps. Nothing will fix your pain.

 

I hope for the best for everyone here, but please be wary of the lie that "Time Heals".

Edited December 3, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[PinkElephants]

Time doesn't heal anything on its own. Healing is an active process that happens over time. Wounds only remain unhealed if you keep them open.

 

Sometimes people hold on to the pain because it's all they have left of the one they loved. You got rid of the physical reminders but held onto the emotional ones because to let go means it's over and the love is gone. Feeding the emotional pain, picking at the emotional wound, is a choice and a choice that's keeping you from healing no matter how much time passes.

 

My friend fell off a roof and broke his ankle. It looks great, he took good care of himself and can do anything he did before but it still hurts on occasion. Be the ankle. If he'd kept breaking it it would have never healed. If he'd neglected it it would have set wrong and he'd be forever damaged.

 

Heartbreak is no different. You can get better if you choose to, if you take care and work through the pain. Most of us here have been in love and heartbroken. Your love isn't special and you're just like us. You can get better if you want to.

[NopeNah]

Stop with the breadcrumb responding and block her. You're keeping her in your life because you don't want to let go. What would you have done had she died? Do that.

[BAcK]

True love cannot be forgotten. Members here are not trying to make you UNLOVE her. This is what you did not understand.

Basically we all have someone in our lives we cannot forget nor lose feelings for. This is a harsh reality.

But what you have to do is try not to dwell in the past. You have made aome progress but it's only physical. Mentally you are still stuck with her.

We are not asking you to forget her. You just have to accept that you love her and she does not love you back.

One more thing, the pain that comes with heartbreak is no different than the pain of someone close dying. If people can get over that pain then what makes you think you cannot get over this pain. It's feasible.

The day you find love again, this pain will automatically start to wane. Just try harder.

[Earlybird2016]

True love cannot be forgotten. Members here are not trying to make you UNLOVE her. This is what you did not understand.

Basically we all have someone in our lives we cannot forget nor lose feelings for. This is a harsh reality.

But what you have to do is try not to dwell in the past. You have made aome progress but it's only physical. Mentally you are still stuck with her.

We are not asking you to forget her. You just have to accept that you love her and she does not love you back.

One more thing, the pain that comes with heartbreak is no different than the pain of someone close dying. If people can get over that pain then what makes you think you cannot get over this pain. It's feasible.

The day you find love again, this pain will automatically start to wane. Just try harder.

 

Thank you for replying. To be honest, I've long since dismissed the notion of "finding love again" as misplaced optimism. I don't believe it's psychologically healthy for an adult to play make-believe about their future like that.

 

I've rejected many advances over the last year (it seems some women smell heartbreak like sharks smell blood in the water - at the merest hint of emotional vulnerability, they've circled like carrion birds). I'll obviously continue to reject the possibility of future relationships, because ultimately, I don't think it's at all fair to potential partners for me to end up despising them because they're not my ex.

 

Different is easy, better for me? ... Probably not impossible. But wanted? That's a ridiculous notion.

[BAcK]

The thing is everyone has a different perception about love. You said you dismissed the idea of finding love again.

Why is it so? Because it's misplaced optimism?

 

No, simply because you do not want it again. Simply because you do not think you can find better. You tend to compare everything or rather everyone to your ex.

[Sweetfish]

It's ironic to post this in the "coping" section when, if there's one thing I've learned in the twelve months since my breakup, coping (at least with even a slim chance of the slightest peace of mind or happiness) isn't always an option.

 

Long story short, she left me for a work colleague she'd known for about two months at Christmas last year. We'd known each other ten years, together for four. She moved in with him five months after they got together.

 

She ignored all initiated contact (I quit in mid February), then nothing until the beginning of June, when she texted me. She's texted maybe eight or nine times since then, every few weeks, all pleasant enough chats.

 

The last time was about five weeks ago, in which she admitted that all her previous random reasons for texting were just excuses to talk to me, and that I was welcome to contact her any time.

 

I haven't, of course, because she has a boyfriend.

 

The point is, be very wary of all the advice dumpees receive. In the last year I've worked out, worked to be promoted at work, taken up new hobbies and revisited old ones. Not a single reminder of her exists in my home, I've made tons of new friends, travelled. Months of therapy. Lots of positive moves. About the only thing I haven't done is date again, because it would be unfair to lead someone on that they have a chance of physical or emotional intimacy with me.

 

Because when you love someone - and I mean REALLY love them, away from childish notions of one-itis or soulmates - NOTHING helps. Nothing will fix your pain.

 

I hope for the best for everyone here, but please be wary of the lie that "Time Heals".

 

OK.. so now that you are the wiser. What is your advise?

 

The reality is it took the act of being dumped, to realize you were full of potential. While you were in the relationship, you were not at your full potential(lazy with ones self). So what your expressing to me is that you are more valuable now and less valuable when you were with your girlfriend. You probably learned more about your self in this last past year than most your life or at least see your self in another perspective.

 

What you need to respect is your ex-gf was not willing to be with you thick and thin and combined with the fact that you were not maxing your potential in oneself due to being in this relationship is probably in your best interest.

 

Have you actually went thru the stages of anger. Have you gone thru the point that she broken a trust and bond between you for her own benefit. I wouldn't doubt a year before the breakup she already was processing how to get out of this relationship, but who sells their old car before yet purchasing a new one first?

 

You have not healed because you have not realized that YOU are not the core problem and in denial and blame your self for the outcome. I blame you a little for not taking the four years of that relationship to gym out, have a better job, travel, and exercise your hobbies. But you need to understand you got screwed over and while she is in the hands of another man you are texting her and trying to "keep the lines of communication open"

 

How are any of those texts suppose to even make her feel any feelings towards you if she is honeymooning with another man. (yes i read your other post)

 

The advice is good, its just you didn't apply them properly and you still haven't

Edited December 2, 2016 by Sweetfish

[Earlybird2016]

OK.. so now that you are the wiser. What is your advise?

 

The reality is it took the act of being dumped, to realize you were full of potential. While you were in the relationship, you were not at your full potential(lazy with ones self). So what your expressing to me is that you are more valuable now and less valuable when you were with your girlfriend. You probably learned more about your self in this last past year than most your life or at least see your self in another perspective.

 

What you need to respect is your ex-gf was not willing to be with you thick and thin and combined with the fact that you were not maxing your potential in oneself due to being in this relationship is probably in your best interest.

 

Have you actually went thru the stages of anger. Have you gone thru the point that she broken a trust and bond between you for her own benefit. I wouldn't doubt a year before the breakup she already was processing how to get out of this relationship, but who sells their old car before yet purchasing a new one first?

 

You have not healed because you have not realized that YOU are not the core problem and in denial and blame your self for the outcome. I blame you a little for not taking the four years of that relationship to gym out, have a better job, travel, and exercise your hobbies. But you need to understand you got screwed over and while she is in the hands of another man you are texting her and trying to "keep the lines of communication open"

 

How are any of those texts suppose to even make her feel any feelings towards you if she is honeymooning with another man. (yes i read your other post)

 

The advice is good, its just you didn't apply them properly and you still haven't

 

If you read my other post you may have seen that every single incident of contact or curiosity has been initiated by her, not me. I don't stalk her social media, keep her phone number or messages, or have any of the belongings she either gave me in ten years, nor any items of hers that she left at my place. She may well be "honeymooning" with another man, but SHE is contacting ME, and only she can say how my positive responses are making her feel.

 

You presume I in some way "let myself go" during the relationship? No, not in the slightest. In ten years I maintained myself physically and mentally, never stopping in any kind of comfort zone. I doubt that I could get a better job than the highly paid clinical field in which I specialise (not that such things matter, but simply stated to address your point).

 

And wiser? No, I wish I was. Ultimately, the only advice I could give would be what I've already posted: be aware that YOU MIGHT NOT HEAL, irregardless of whatever gimmicks one tries.

[Blanco]

You are not qualified to speak on this issue because you have purposefully remained attached to her by permitting her to contact you and then reading way too much into it all.

 

Time + action + acceptance = healing

 

You haven't yet really done the acceptance part.