SpiralOut Posted August 25, 2016 Posted August 25, 2016 NOTE: I am mostly looking for insight, not necessarily advice, though advice is fine too. There is someone I occasionally need to interact with. I usually avoid talking to her, if possible, due to this gut feeling that I have. I can't figure out what it is exactly or what word I should use to describe her behaviour. I guess you could say that I don't trust her to respect my boundaries. She has not crossed my lines in the sand yet (not directly to my face, anyway), but I can't help feeling wary of her. Let's call her S. The most recent example involved S criticizing her older brother and SIL for the way they are handling their newborn baby. Keep in mind they aren't doing anything wrong with it. S was just annoyed with them for not having any free time. S does not have any children of her own. The brother didn't appreciate her comment, obviously, and told her that he wasn't going to listen to her. She responded by calling him "defensive." Well of course he's being defensive. You weren't being nice to him! The other example is a bit more personal. Last year S texted my bf telling him what sort of relationship that she thinks he and I need to have. Keep in mind she has never been in a serious relationship, and neither one of us asked for her opinion. I felt she was interfering with our relationship, and it seemed just plain disrespectful. She doesn't act like this every day. For the most part, she's a friendly person, but every now and then she will randomly say something cutting. She's kinda like a sniper. I feel very uncomfortable around her. There's a pretty good chance she could become my SIL in the future. My bf (her brother) describes her as having a strong personality, always needing to have the last word, needing to be right all the time about everything, and being impossible to argue with. She never admits to being wrong about anything. He occasionally gets fed up with S and avoids her for months at a time. So what would you call her behaviour? I think that putting a label on it will help me to feel a bit better. I'm not sure that the word "outspoken" is a good descriptor, because it's not just that. It's her inability to recognize boundaries and refusal to apologize once she has crossed them and pissed someone off. So far as I can tell, in her mind, her opinion = reality. To be honest, I'm worried that I'll explode if she ever goes too far with me. I have a fairly low tolerance for that crap. I'm also confused about why someone would act that way. I feel like the answer should be obvious, but it's hard for me to see it.
Arieswoman Posted August 25, 2016 Posted August 25, 2016 SpiralOut, I have already posted this link elsewhere but it may be of interest you as well, regarding boundaries ; Advice Wednesday: Do I Have Problems That I Can?t Admit To Or Am I Being Manipulated?
Author SpiralOut Posted August 25, 2016 Author Posted August 25, 2016 (edited) SpiralOut, I have already posted this link elsewhere but it may be of interest you as well, regarding boundaries ; Advice Wednesday: Do I Have Problems That I Can?t Admit To Or Am I Being Manipulated? Thanks for the link. I didn't think to look at it like that, but it makes sense. I can't imagine her manipulating someone with malicious intent, but I can see how it might be a subconscious thing. It's true that you can't stand up for yourself against her or express your feelings without her just continuing to argue. She leaves people with two options: 1) agree with her, or 2) disengage. I guess that's why I feel so uneasy around her. That sort of behaviour is a trigger for me. I'm sure that I could handle it, but I would very much prefer not to. Edited August 25, 2016 by SpiralOut
Author SpiralOut Posted August 25, 2016 Author Posted August 25, 2016 I think the word I am looking for is insolence. And yes, there may be some manipulation. I can't prove this, but I strongly suspect that she deliberately initiated the last incident in order to expose her older brother's hypocrisy. Never mind that she can act quite hypocritical herself (making her a hypocrite for criticizing his hypocrisy), but that's another story. Maybe that's why I reacted so strongly to that event. Something didn't seem right. I actually got up and left the room in the middle of the conversation. It took me a while to cool off. I hardly ever need to do that.
pteromom Posted August 25, 2016 Posted August 25, 2016 I would say she has a low EQ combined with strong opinions. She is unable to read that others are uncomfortable with her verbal aggression. She is unable to consider that others may have other ways of looking at things. Should she become your SIL, you need to make sure you can emotionally guard yourself from her. You need to become good at patronizing her in a non-patronizing way. So she says "Here's what you need to do." You say "Hmmm. I have never thought about it like that before! Thanks!" This response: Makes her feel heard. Makes her feel respected. Requires ZERO action on your part. Other responses: "Thanks! I'll think about that!" "That's really interesting!" "You have great ideas!" The key is to be kind and be honest. Since she may be in your life for a very long time, you do NOT want to argue/debate with her, create drama, or make an enemy of her. Talk to her about petty things. The weather. What's happening at work. Ask her about her life. When she offers advice, resort to one of those responses. This will get really bad if you get married and have kids and she starts telling you how to be a mom. But still - ignore it, respond kindly without commitment to act, and move on. You: breastfeeding your baby Her: "I don't think that baby is getting enough milk! You need to supplement with formula!" What you will WANT to do: "No, I just went to the pediatrician, and the baby is right where she needs to be on weight!" ... then go home and get angry or cry because your SIL thinks you are a bad mom. What you SHOULD do: "Huh... thanks, I will consider that." Then let it go and move on. If she has other advice, ask her to email you articles so you can learn more about what she is saying. And then let it go. It's an art learning to deal with people like this, but the #1 thing is to just not let them get you emotional. 3
Author SpiralOut Posted August 25, 2016 Author Posted August 25, 2016 I would say she has a low EQ combined with strong opinions. She is unable to read that others are uncomfortable with her verbal aggression. She is unable to consider that others may have other ways of looking at things. Should she become your SIL, you need to make sure you can emotionally guard yourself from her. You need to become good at patronizing her in a non-patronizing way. So she says "Here's what you need to do." You say "Hmmm. I have never thought about it like that before! Thanks!" Yeah, that's pretty much what I plan to do. But I know that I will still be seething on the inside. I cannot stand people like that! Sigh. Oh well.
pteromom Posted August 29, 2016 Posted August 29, 2016 Pteromom, you have such amazing insights! Aww thank you. <3
pteromom Posted August 29, 2016 Posted August 29, 2016 Yeah, that's pretty much what I plan to do. But I know that I will still be seething on the inside. I cannot stand people like that! Sigh. Oh well. You will learn not to seethe. She isn't worth investing your emotional energy into. You can learn to get great satisfaction from doing the ol' "smile and nod" and playing into her huge need to control others. Not that I am for being a manipulative person in REAL relationships. But in ancillary relationships like this, where you'll have to see her every holiday for the rest of your lives, just play her. It gets easy, and who knows... if you act like you are listening and respectful, she may just show you the real her inside her aggressive outer shell, and maybe, just maybe, there is a good person in there! 2
Author SpiralOut Posted September 13, 2016 Author Posted September 13, 2016 Yes, that's the word. Controlling. Back when she lived with her brother (in HIS house that HE owned) she complained to him that he didn't keep the house clean enough, even though she herself didn't do anything to help. She could have just moved out, or offered to split the chores between the two of them, but instead she told him how she thought he should keep his house. Who the heck tries to tell a homeowner what the rules of his house are? That's completely ridiculous! Controlling behaviour really gets under my skin, so it will be hard for me to not let it bother me. But I will try to brush it off. Thanks for the advice.
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