Arieswoman Posted August 24, 2016 Posted August 24, 2016 All, I'm throwing this one out for curiosity as there's been quite a few posts lately about "exit affairs". As a BS it doesn't really matter to me if my exH's affair was an "exit affair" or not. The pain it caused wouldn't be altered by putting a label on his choice of actions. I'm just interested in different opinions from all angles..... 2
Sunkissedpatio Posted August 24, 2016 Posted August 24, 2016 Ex fiancé had an exit affair and no matter how you look at it it's super painful to the betrayed person, and it's still cheating. To make matters worse in my case he lead me on with false hope while he was already with her as he moved out and wanted to keep me hanging in case things didn't pan out. And on top of that he showed no signs of detachment or any of the typical things they do once they start to disengage, which makes it even more twisted and painful to deal with. Found a love note recently while cleaning he had left me on the bathroom mirror (he'd do this when he'd leave for work before I was up) that he wrote the week before he dumped me. How sick do you have to be? We had problems but we were working on them, or at least that was what he led me to believe. 4
Lobe Posted August 24, 2016 Posted August 24, 2016 (edited) From what I've read and talked to people in books, in forums, and IRL, the big difference between an exit affair and a relationships on the side isn't how it originates or how long it continues for, but more about whether the relationship was merely vulnerable or pretty much over when the A occurs. In my WH's case, it was purely opportunistic - we had nothing out of the ordinary going on in our marriage which, while not perfect, would have been generally described as "happy" by both of us, he was doing a bit of self-exploration (unhappy with his job, kids growing older, getting older, fatter and greyer lol) and a willing partner came available. He had to start finding excuses for his affair and gradually started picking out any and every negative trait he could come up with to make himself feel justified in cheating. Oddly, having another woman in the picture didn't diminish his commitment to the marriage and he at no time felt like he would leave, despite future faking with his girlfriend. He wanted the A to end but felt like he could handle it until it ran its course. Even lots of people in unhappy marriages don't plan to leave for the affair partner - the A is a crutch, not an exit strategy. Exit affairs, well - I think that there are people who are genuinely unhappy in their marriage who aren't quite sure how to leave, and when an affair comes along it's a symptom of (though not a solution to) an unhappy marriage. And let's face it - not every couple that gets married belongs together, whether that was from day one or not until years later. I didn't want to end my first marriage - everyone had told me it was a bad idea and I was so embarrassed that they were "right" about him. It took me a long time to accept that we were never going to resolve our marital discord and while I didn't have an exit affair, seeing a close friend of mine in an amazing relationship with a new girl he was obviously completely compatible with made me realize I wanted that for me, too. While it doesn't make an affair right or OK, I do realize that for some, the affair is a taste of what could be and is really just the final push they need to end their toxic or unhappy marriage. Then of course there are the ones where the A is actively sought by someone looking for chills and thrills and they don't care about the AP or the BS... What I find really interesting is the number of affair partners who get dumped after the exit is complete - I can only imagine how painful that is for the AP, who almost invariably think that their affair is different and meant to last. I mean, it's one thing to get dumped because the WS wants to reconcile, but to get dumped because the WS just needed someone to get out of the marriage with? harsh. Edited August 24, 2016 by Lobe missing content 6
Bufo Posted August 24, 2016 Posted August 24, 2016 An affair is an affair. But the difference is in whether there is any point in considering reconciliation. In an exit affair there is no point in doing so. There may be no point in R in other affairs, but it is more often considered. The WS's answer to the question "are we finished?" can help determine what sort of A the BS is facing. 2
carhill Posted August 24, 2016 Posted August 24, 2016 My definition of an exit affair is when the paperwork hasn't caught up with the decision and one moves on to another relationship without notice nor consideration, that relationship continuing after the prior one, whether LTR or M, has officially terminated. That doesn't mean it lasts for life, rather survives the end of the prior relationship or marriage. 1
GorillaTheater Posted August 24, 2016 Posted August 24, 2016 I'd define an exit affair as accelerant for the inevitable conflagration/divorce. 5
PrettyEmily77 Posted August 24, 2016 Posted August 24, 2016 An easy way out: no communication necessary, no way back, no sorting things out, and a new partner already lined up. 2
ladydesigner Posted August 24, 2016 Posted August 24, 2016 I'd define an exit affair as accelerant for the inevitable conflagration/divorce. Yep I would agree! The Exit Affair is the catalyst to leave the M. Doesn't make it the correct way or easiest way and is always painful for the betrayed. 1
Whoknew30 Posted August 24, 2016 Posted August 24, 2016 I had an exit A (even though it ended up working out)...an exit A is when you no longer care about your marriage & could care a less if you get caught, you actually want to get caught so it can speed up the divorce & or give a reason for a divorce bc there really wasn't one. 1
cocorico Posted August 25, 2016 Posted August 25, 2016 All, I'm throwing this one out for curiosity as there's been quite a few posts lately about "exit affairs". As a BS it doesn't really matter to me if my exH's affair was an "exit affair" or not. The pain it caused wouldn't be altered by putting a label on his choice of actions. I'm just interested in different opinions from all angles..... I'm interested in this, too - my H's A has been described by some as an exit A, though what I've read about that, both on this site and elsewhere, it seems that while some of it applies, much doesn't. * Exit As are apparently short-lived - a few months, from what I've read. Our was a little over here years. * Exit As are not about falling in love, or "soul mates", or much about the AP at all. They're merely instrumental, a means to exit the M. Ours want like that. It was very much about falling in love and deciding to be together. * As a result, many exit As end soon after the M, as they've served their purpose. They seldom transition into LTRs. Ours did - we've been M now far, far longer than the A lasted. * The WS has already checked out of the M and decided to leave. the A just helps this happen. Well, I'd say they had *both* checked out of the M, as they lived separate lives together only for the kids. Though she didn't see it like that when he left her.... She had left, previously - but her OM dumped her and she begged to come back. He'd taken her back (under certain conditions, which she didn't keep) because the kids had been so traumatised by the split, though he'd realised during the split how much better his life was apart from her than with her. But because of that, he was clear in his mind that he _wasn't_ going to leave the M - at least until the kids were out of the house. But things changed during the A - we fell in love, the kids saw how much happier he was, they got counselling, leaving seemed possible, etc. So he left, although that hadn't been the plan. * No one is surprised, and people are generally supportive. This was true. The A was never a secret - his family and friends all knew, and supported it / us, and we were seen as the "legit" couple. She was the only one who "didn't see it coming" - she'd always maintained he was "lucky to have her, because no one would want him" and didn't believe him when he disclosed the A. I guess because of her own mindset as WS she saw herself as being the one who called the shots, and was affronted that someone else was the one with options. So I guess it all depends on how you define it. Is every A that ends with the WS leaving an exit A?
PegNosePete Posted August 25, 2016 Posted August 25, 2016 An exit affair is an affair you have when you don't have the balls to end your marriage, and instead choose to give your spouse the perfect reason to divorce you. 5
cocorico Posted August 25, 2016 Posted August 25, 2016 An exit affair is an affair you have when you don't have the balls to end your marriage, and instead choose to give your spouse the perfect reason to divorce you. So if the WS leaves the BS (with or without disclosing the A) rather than the BS kicking out the WS, it's not an exit A?
Furious Posted August 25, 2016 Posted August 25, 2016 Exit affairs are basically lining up a soft landing due to, in many cases, fear of being alone. Jumping from one relationship to another relationship exibits an unhealthy coping dynamic in the person who is passive agressive and most likely to repeat the same behaviour in future relationships. A healthy person can break up with a partner if the relationship has run it's course. It's another thing to swing from branch to branch when ending and beginning relationships in tandem. 1
central Posted August 25, 2016 Posted August 25, 2016 I think all the versions are correct, depending on the circumstances. I didn't have an exit affair (or any other affair, for that matter), but if I had, it would have been the classic middle-finger gesture to my ex for the way she'd treated me over the years.
Whoknew30 Posted August 25, 2016 Posted August 25, 2016 Exit affairs are basically lining up a soft landing due to, in many cases, fear of being alone. Jumping from one relationship to another relationship exibits an unhealthy coping dynamic in the person who is passive agressive and most likely to repeat the same behaviour in future relationships. A healthy person can break up with a partner if the relationship has run it's course. It's another thing to swing from branch to branch when ending and beginning relationships in tandem. I don't agree...Its not fear of being alone bc a lot of times people get rid of the AP after the divorce. It's usually to give the BS a reason to just leave so they don't try & save the marriage. If you just tell a spouse "I want a divorce" & they don't, they're going to try & make it work but if told "I've been having sex with someone else" better chance they're going to want the divorce too & not fight it. 3
Gloria25 Posted August 26, 2016 Posted August 26, 2016 An exit affair is giving you that push you need to leave the marriage. You wanted to leave, but needed "motivation". Think of it as you wanting to buy a motorcycle (getting divorced), your wife says "no". So, one day you shell out a lot of money on a helmet (the affair), so now there's no turning back, now that you spent so much money on the helmet (starting an affair), you gotta get the motorcycle (divorce) to go with the helmet cuz how are you gonna take that helmet back to the store and ask for a refund? 1
Gloria25 Posted August 26, 2016 Posted August 26, 2016 (edited) I don't agree...Its not fear of being alone bc a lot of times people get rid of the AP after the divorce. It's usually to give the BS a reason to just leave so they don't try & save the marriage. If you just tell a spouse "I want a divorce" & they don't, they're going to try & make it work but if told "I've been having sex with someone else" better chance they're going to want the divorce too & not fight it. Yeah, AP can be dumped for many reasons, not necessarily cuz it was an exit affair. My FWB, being the candid guy he was, told me up front that upon his divorce he didn't wanna be tied down to anyone. And I understood him. After ten years with the Ice Queen, who wants to jump into another "commitment"? Also, I think it's healthier after a breakup - especially a divorce - for someone to take time and not jump head first into another person. Sometimes you need to do a lot of self-reflection to avoid the issues that messed up your prior marriage/RL, and jumping into a rebound and/or another person isn't gonna give you that buffer you need. But, also agreed that some people are so deep into the OW/OM, that upon the end of the marriage they just continue with the OW/OM. Not sure how many of those things actually survive cuz they started off on a bad foot (cheating on your BS) to begin with. Edited August 26, 2016 by Gloria25 1
Popsicle Posted August 26, 2016 Posted August 26, 2016 An exit affair to me is one where the WS begins an affair while married and leaves the marriage either during the affair or after due to the affair (only the WS would know why they left their marriage). And yes, it hurts the BS no matter what type of affair it is. 1
Author Arieswoman Posted August 26, 2016 Author Posted August 26, 2016 Gloria #17 Think of it as you wanting to buy a motorcycle (getting divorced), your wife says "no". So, one day you shell out a lot of money on a helmet (the affair), so now there's no turning back, now that you spent so much money on the helmet (starting an affair), you gotta get the motorcycle (divorce) to go with the helmet cuz how are you gonna take that helmet back to the store and ask for a refund? Now that's a smart way to sum it up ^^^ It seems to me that it's a tool used by conflict avoidents to force an issue, but I could be wrong.... 1
Furious Posted August 26, 2016 Posted August 26, 2016 (edited) I don't agree...Its not fear of being alone bc a lot of times people get rid of the AP after the divorce. It's usually to give the BS a reason to just leave so they don't try & save the marriage. If you just tell a spouse "I want a divorce" & they don't, they're going to try & make it work but if told "I've been having sex with someone else" better chance they're going to want the divorce too & not fight it. The soft landing I mentioned is similar to what you said above. It's using someone during the divorce. I agree with you that's it's a form of manipulation any way you look at it, and yes the affair partner is often "gotten rid of" as you say when their soft landing is no longer of use. A healthy person ends a relationship without the added drama of an exit affair, and your comment only emphasizes and adds to the point I was making. Edited August 26, 2016 by Furious 1
cocorico Posted August 26, 2016 Posted August 26, 2016 I don't agree...Its not fear of being alone bc a lot of times people get rid of the AP after the divorce. It's usually to give the BS a reason to just leave so they don't try & save the marriage. If you just tell a spouse "I want a divorce" & they don't, they're going to try & make it work but if told "I've been having sex with someone else" better chance they're going to want the divorce too & not fight it. Sadly, it's not foolproof....
central Posted August 26, 2016 Posted August 26, 2016 An exit affair is giving you that push you need to leave the marriage. You wanted to leave, but needed "motivation". Think of it as you wanting to buy a motorcycle (getting divorced), your wife says "no". So, one day you shell out a lot of money on a helmet (the affair), so now there's no turning back, now that you spent so much money on the helmet (starting an affair), you gotta get the motorcycle (divorce) to go with the helmet cuz how are you gonna take that helmet back to the store and ask for a refund? The moral of this story: use protection.
Whoknew30 Posted August 26, 2016 Posted August 26, 2016 The soft landing I mentioned is similar to what you said above. It's using someone during the divorce. I agree with you that's it's a form of manipulation any way you look at it, and yes the affair partner is often "gotten rid of" as you say when their soft landing is no longer of use. A healthy person ends a relationship without the added drama of an exit affair, and your comment only emphasizes and adds to the point I was making. Agreed about the healthy but sometimes it also depends on the spouse. The other spouse might be the type to not understand "I just don't love you anymore", really what's really worse, someone just quit loving you for no reason or is it better to have a reason. We're all different but I'd be more devasted to find out my spouse quit loving me just bc of me being me vs they just clicked better with another person. I'm a reason person, no logical reason to divorce would drive me crazy...it would seem like such all on me failure.
dark water Posted September 11, 2016 Posted September 11, 2016 All, I'm just interested in different opinions from all angles..... Arieswoman, I hope you don't hold it against me, seeing as how I might be perceived right off the bat as "the bad guy" in my situation, but I am the OW in my MM's exit affair. This is a label I never, ever thought I would wear, but the circumstances that brought us to this point have been off the beaten path of the typical affair scenario. His wife cheated on him a while ago, blamed him and manipulated him into taking full responsibility upon his willingness to R. I've known him in the past to be a romantic at heart and a natural monogamist, so when he was cheated on his world was turned upside down, he fell into depression and even experienced some physical health problems as a result. He has a toxic marriage and one that is filled with emotional abuse and manipulation. I'm not proud of being the OW, but I wouldn't be doing it if I didn't love him and truly believe that he is trying to figure out an overwhelming life change at the moment. So that's my angle... it's not just fun and games for me or trying to "steal" another person's man. Based on what I've read from you though I know that your experience is much different and I'm truly sorry for what you went through, but happy that you kicked that guy to the curb!! I'm interested in this, too - my H's A has been described by some as an exit A, though what I've read about that, both on this site and elsewhere, it seems that while some of it applies, much doesn't. I think very seldom are As just one kind, and the classifications are more like a la carte menus. My A, as I would classify it right now in it's infancy would be an EA/PA with elements of a Revenge Affair and most likely an Exit Affair. It's never black and white is it... I guess that's why we need these forums as therapy! Its not fear of being alone bc a lot of times people get rid of the AP after the divorce. It's usually to give the BS a reason to just leave so they don't try & save the marriage. If you just tell a spouse "I want a divorce" & they don't, they're going to try & make it work but if told "I've been having sex with someone else" better chance they're going to want the divorce too & not fight it. I couldn't agree more. I was involved in an emotionally abusive relationship for eight years before I finally pulled the plug. I waited SO long and through so much garbage and I knew it would never work, but I let it drag out until the bitter end. If there had been someone else giving me a glimpse into the possibilities of romantic life beyond my toxic relationship I probably would have ended things much earlier. 1
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