Should I tell my friend she needs to lower her expectations?

[preraph]

Actually I'm pretty sure she said she contacts most guys first. And getting a date with a guy who thinks he's going to get an easy hook up isn't getting them. Most guys have no problem with hooking up with someone they wouldn't consider a relationship with. I understand as a women it's not something that may make sense in your mind but take my word for it. None of the guys who's pics she's showed me would have a serious long term relationship with her. I get opposites attract in some cases, but a guy who takes really good care of his body isn't very likely to date a girl who puts in minimal effort. Nothing against her, it's just reality.

 

The funny thing is she agrees with my sentiments. Last week one of our mutual male friends was trying to ask out a very attractive girl. She turned around and muttered to me "he really tends to go after the pretty ones doesn't he! He should ask out (other less attractive girls name)". It's only because shes my really good friend that I didn't bring it up right then.

 

No, I get your point, but we hear every day on here about women who get no response from guys, not even the hookup ones, and they're not all undateable either. More that way on Tinder, though, so that's why i say tell her to get off Tinder. But where I live, lots of guys like short Hispanic women. They like the petiteness and some assume they'll be more traditional. And yes, a lot of them are not ever lithe because that's just how it is. I'm not saying she's fishing in her ideal pond, but it could happen, but probably not on Tinder, that's all. I wouldn't insult her looks by telling her. She'll find out soon enough if that's the case.

[insert_name]

More than likely she is getting pumped and dumped by those guys

 

Yep, I see this with my friends- there are girls they date and girls that you hear about them sleeping with on the grapevine and the talk ain't kind because these girls fall waaaaaay below the group's perceived standards. You never see these guys out in public with these girls or introducing them to their parents. It's harsh, but it's a fact of life. I would say girls do it too but girls can date up when it comes to hook ups so there is no reason even for an average girl to have casual sex with a guy who looks like he doesn'the take care of his appearance.

 

I can't help but notice the different dating advice given out to men and women on the forums I lurk on. If a guy can't find a relationship he is told to lower his standards and even consider overweight women whereas women are encouraged to stick to their guns and never settle.

 

More realism is needed when it comes to dating. If you are getting dates with hot guys but it is just one night of sex and that is it then you need to take a step back and look at what YOU are offering. 'Do what you have always done and get what you have always got'. So I have a lot of sympathy for the OP and feel that he has been chewed up and spat out a bit unfairly. That being said, it is a hard message to deliver and as others have suggested needs to be delivered by someone else, probably female.

 

That being said if this girl isn't after a relationship and is happy to just be used as an easy lay by all the 6'5 dudes in town then props to her, that is her choice to make and a valid one.

Edited August 25, 2016 by insert_name

[Kamille]

Actually I'm pretty sure she said she contacts most guys first. And getting a date with a guy who thinks he's going to get an easy hook up isn't getting them.

 

Easy fix.

 

Instead of telling her she's "aiming too high" (whatever that means), tell her she should let guys contact her first and choose from that list. She will immediately be within her batting range and guys will be less likely to expect an easy hookup because she contacted first.

[Revolver]

Yep, I see this with my friends- there are girls they date and girls that you hear about them sleeping with on the grapevine and the talk ain't kind because these girls fall waaaaaay below the group's perceived standards. You never see these guys out in public with these girls or introducing them to their parents. It's harsh, but it's a fact of life. I would say girls do it too but girls can date up when it comes to hook ups so there is no reason even for an average girl to have casual sex with a guy who looks like he doesn'the take care of his appearance.

 

I can't help but notice the different dating advice given out to men and women on the forums I lurk on. If a guy can't find a relationship he is told to lower his standards and even consider overweight women whereas women are encouraged to stick to their guns and never settle.

 

More realism is needed when it comes to dating. If you are getting dates with hot guys but it is just one night of sex and that is it then you need to take a step back and look at what YOU are offering. 'Do what you have always done and get what you have always got'. So I have a lot of sympathy for the OP and feel that he has been chewed up and spat out a bit unfairly. That being said, it is a hard message to deliver and as others have suggested needs to be delivered by someone else, probably female.

 

That being said if this girl isn't after a relationship and is happy to just be used as an easy lay by all the 6'5 dudes in town then props to her, that is her choice to make and a valid one.

 

Pretty much. I have a few REALLY good looking friends/family members and they basically laugh at these girls behind their backs because they believe it's actually a serious relationship when it's just a bootycall.

[Omei]

I think you should just be supportive and let your adult friend make her own adult choices.

[BlueIris]

My friend has been on tinder a lot lately and I think its impacting her dating life negatively. She is not ugly by any means, but she's short, a little thick, and hispanic. Lately she's been going on tinder and getting dates with nothing but tall, very good looking white guys. I don't think she's sleeping with them, but she gets sad every time they don't call her back after the first date. I haven't said anything because I figured it would be good for her to figure it out for herself.

 

Recently however, she's been asked out by a few guys we know who I think are a much better match for her. So far she's turned them all down. I'm worried this is going to come back later when she realizes tinder matches are not an accurate measurement for who a girl can land in a relationship.

 

Do I explain this to her, or let her figure things out for herself, even if it damages her reputation/emotionally.

 

I think it would be ok to tell her that she only accepts men who are in high demand and have lots of choices-- if she's complaining about it a lot.

 

There are people who "won't settle" which really means that having a BF or GF isn't that high a priority for them. That's OK, to prefer being single to dating someone you don't want to date. But it is a choice so maybe she'd feel happier if she knew that she's making choices rather than feeling that she's being denied something or that life isn't fair or something like that.

[sunshine2]

I have sort of the same situation with my friend. She goes on OLD and messages the real good looking guys. She never gets a response, then gets upset that they don't at least reply with a nice, thanks but no thanks. She is in her 60's and I feel her expectations are too high. When she does go out with a guy she tells me all the things that are wrong with him, and thats what she says after the don't call her for a second date. Do I say anything? NOPE!!!

 

I know her well enough that if I said anything to her, she would get hurt. I just support her through the ups and the downs.

[Arieswoman]

kendahke,

 

"Thick" in this context means stocky and not lean.

 

 

^^^

 

Thanks for the translation !

 

In UK if we call someone "a bit thick" it means we think they are stupid

[Popsicle]

My friend has been on tinder a lot lately and I think its impacting her dating life negatively. She is not ugly by any means, but she's short, a little thick, and hispanic. Lately she's been going on tinder and getting dates with nothing but tall, very good looking white guys. I don't think she's sleeping with them, but she gets sad every time they don't call her back after the first date. I haven't said anything because I figured it would be good for her to figure it out for herself.

 

Recently however, she's been asked out by a few guys we know who I think are a much better match for her. So far she's turned them all down. I'm worried this is going to come back later when she realizes tinder matches are not an accurate measurement for who a girl can land in a relationship.

 

Do I explain this to her, or let her figure things out for herself, even if it damages her reputation/emotionally.

 

No, let her figure it out herself.

Resist this urge. It won't turn out well.

[Arieswoman]

Revan32,

I know you want to help your frind, but unless you have been specifically asked for imput I would MYOB.

 

Recently however, she's been asked out by a few guys we know who I think are a much better match for her

 

And who are you to say who's a good match and who isn't?!

 

I would never interfere with a friend's dating habits unless I thought she was getting scammed or was in physical danger or I had been asked for advice.

[Popsicle]

Wait, do you have the hots for her?

[basil67]

Don't give advice unless she asks for your opinion

[kendahke]

I'm not going to help her with that. The guy isnt a super tinder hunk, but he is a decent looking, very nice guy.

 

TO YOU. If he's all that, why aren't you dating him?

 

She doesn't think so, but she also doesn't want to be hamfisted about telling him she's not interested, which is why she came to her so-called "friend" to ask him for advice on being mindful about turning him down. As I said, this is all more about you than it is about her.

 

And yes, she may damage her reputation. If she intends to marry a man from church (she does), then turning down all the ones asking her out right now in favor of tinder dates will give her a bad rep. I've already heard other people talking about it.

 

So you engage in gossip...

 

And yes, as her friend I do consider it my job to save her from some learning experiences. Would you let your friends get into drugs? Go to parties to get blacked out drunk? Have tons of indiscriminate unprotected sex? I hope not! Not a good friend if you let someone do that to themselves without at least trying to save them from it. She helps me out too. I've made some bad decisions that she talked me out of or helped me realize.

 

That is all conflated non sequitur. Nothing she is doing is going to land her in jail or damage her health. She'll have hurt feelings which she'll get over and gossip dies its own miserable death when someone new happens upon the scene for those with nothing better to do than gossip.

 

Giving you advice on a bad situation and her telling you how to live your life to her satisfaction are two completely different things in completely different universes.

[kendahke]

If her mom knew what she was doing she'd set her straight in a heart beat. I've only met her once

 

and from that one meeting you know exactly what she would do and say to her own child in every and all situations ...

[smackie9]

I feel like that's exactly why I should warn her about the players and garbage on tinder.

 

She's an adult, she can figure this out on her own.

 

I feel if you start dictating what she is doing wrong, or she needs to not date whom she finds attractive then you are just insulting her.

 

Give her advice if she asks for it and only then.

[SevenCity]

Normally, I don't offer unsolicited dating advice to women, because it has been my experience that they don't often take such advice very well. In your case, I agree with you 100%. You have OLD nailed perfectly. Hotter guy hits up homely girl because he knows she will be easy for him. Homely girl then thinks that type of hotter guy is suddenly in her league, and is then completely delusional about dating from that point on.The problem with this situation is that no one wants to hear that they ain't the hottest person around, especially a woman. If you do tell her that she is aiming a bit too high with these really good looking guys, you will not only very likely piss her off, but she probably won't believe you anyway.

 

I say leave it be. As I said, telling her probably won't do any good anyway. If she ever reaches a point where she has hit rock bottom and actually asks for your advice, then you can tell her, but until then, just ignore her complaints about dating. Maybe she will figure it out on her own.

 

That's sad but I can see this happening.

 

A lot of women do not realize that what a guy will bang is MUCH different than what he will date.

 

Guys know this all too well. They will see a girl and one of your friends will say "Well what if she was lying in your bed when you got home?". Yea, ok.

 

I'm not saying guys have to have a super model to date, but the standards for making a girl your girlfriend are much higher than what you would have sex with.

[TXGuy]

Right now she thinks she is too good for the boring squares from church. She has found she can get attention from hot exciting guys on tinder. She will likely spend a few years banging the sexy bad boys. But don't worry. Once she decides she wants to settle down (or when she gets knocked up and has an out of wedlock baby), she will then be willing to settle for one of the church guys. She will expect it to happen. And most of the elders will likely back her up and pressure one of the more impressionable male parishioners to 'step up' and be a man and a good Christian. It's pretty common in churches.

 

Rescuing women from terrible life choices is one of the primary missions of church.

Edited August 26, 2016 by TXGuy

[LookAtThisPOst]

IMO you are attracted to what you are attracted to. Telling her to lower expectations is ridiculous. You can't force someone to date what they don't find attractive.

 

Funny this subject was brought up. I have overweight male friend and I was talking to him about a Meetup in his area he's been going to. He stopped going for a while because, he said...with a chuckle, "too many biiiiig women there! LOL"

 

Thing is though, in the past he's told me that he's seen pics of himself at events and said, "Man, I'm getting portly, need to loose some weight." Yes, he's a sizable guy, and I said to him, "Well, they may be big women, but you told me the other day you have packed on the weight."

 

I guess that stopped him from pointing fingers, lol.

 

It was a valid argument though, but it's funny how an overweight man sees an overweight woman and isn't attracted to them.

 

Seen it with chubby women, too. They want a guy fit as a marathon runner, when she can barely walk without getting winded.

 

So yes, these people need to really adjust their unrealistic expectations. I mean, you can't force them to, but...you may want to say, "Friend, you may want to adjust your expectations since you cannot bring to the table what these guys offer in their looks."

[BluEyeL]

This isn't going to be popular because it's not politically correct. I'm a woman but yeah I agree with the men here on the standards on looks when it's about casual sex being way different than for a relationship .

 

When I was dating I knew that instinctively . It's clearly true. I personally, as a not very big but not slender woman, and over 40, I stayed away from very good looking guys. I did get the fit, 10 year younger men messaging me first on okstupid but I wasn't under any delusion that they'd be looking for anything other than sex.

 

However I was getting quite offended when the not so good looking guys were clearly aiming for sex only. I was thinking do you own a mirror? You're not in that league . I somehow allowed in my mind the hot guys to look for sex only from women like me but not the similarly or more chubby ones that were balding and 10 years older.

 

I don't think you can tell her anything . If she's not aiming for qualities that matter for a long term relationship but instead goes primarily for looks maybe she's not ready for a long term relationship . Nobody ever listens or change . If it bothers you too much meet her less often . I know you're offended that she's rejecting ok guys and you think she should look in the mirror first like I thought of the older not in shape guys wanting sex only, but it's her life and perhaps she'll learn one day. Not your place to teach her and it would be useless.

[LookAtThisPOst]

In a previous post, in this thread, I think a few of you mentioned the double standard that it isn't okay to "settle" and give a guy at least a short dating or meet, but if a man won't do it... he's chided for not giving HER a shot...usually simply because she's a woman.

 

You know, the typical double standard.

 

Then someone here talked about how some men will just have sex with an overweight woman just to get their needs met. I had a male co-worker that showed me a picture of a homely woman that he's been in a FWB with, until he actually finds a g/f. Quite sad.

 

You hear the stories at a bar's "Last call" when men hang around and if there's a "last woman standing" and if it's a big woman, he'll be content on taking her home.

 

Anyways, that said, I read other areas of the internet that talked about how guys in the military who are stationed in some remote area and the only woman, even though she ws butt ugly, was thought to be cream of the crop for that area...so she was bangin' all of them only due to the lack of options in a remote area. Guys were willing to "Do" her, and men WILL do overlook looks if he's THIRSTY enough, they WILL adapt.

 

Some men will lower their standards just to get laid.

 

Here's an example of a post about this reality.

 

"If you ask me, men are thirsty and will adapt the situation. Prison inmates will start off never ever considering having sex with a fellow, male inmate

 

Then after so many years, all of a sudden that guy who dresses like a woman starts looking good!

 

Some have admitted to notice even their own standards started lowering when the options were slim to at least have their biological needs met. Pretty sad stuff that a lot of people don't talk about.

[Gaeta]

Some have admitted to notice even their own standards started lowering when the options were slim to at least have their biological needs met. Pretty sad stuff that a lot of people don't talk about.

 

It's not sad. We are wired that way for survival. If only good looking people had sex we would not be 7.1 billion on this planet. It's a natural phenomenon found in many other aspects of human beings.

[Els]

If a LTR is her priority, I would tell her that Tinder is really not the best place to be looking. I do know a few people whose relationships started from there, but by and large it is a hookup app. It was even DESIGNED by the creators as a hookup app. They might not say it in so many words, but their design choices absolutely scream 'this app is intended for quick hookups!!!'.

[PrettyEmily77]

I'm not getting this... She should lower her expectations based on physical appearances only?

 

I say that because I know a few very attractive, conventionally good-looking guys who are not so shallow, vain and self-centered that they would pay attention to a woman's physical attributes only. But I guess these guys don't jump everything in sight...

[LookAtThisPOst]

It's not sad. We are wired that way for survival. If only good looking people had sex we would not be 7.1 billion on this planet. It's a natural phenomenon found in many other aspects of human beings.

 

It IS sad, perhaps you may have misunderstood, but I'll put it more bluntly that some men will be willing to have sex with a fat woman that he probably wouldn't have considered otherwise, but of course he wouldn't be in a relationship with her. But to him, it's just the equipment below her belt that serves its purpose.

[losangelena]

My friend has been on tinder a lot lately and I think its impacting her dating life negatively. She is not ugly by any means, but she's short, a little thick, and hispanic. Lately she's been going on tinder and getting dates with nothing but tall, very good looking white guys. I don't think she's sleeping with them, but she gets sad every time they don't call her back after the first date. I haven't said anything because I figured it would be good for her to figure it out for herself.

 

Recently however, she's been asked out by a few guys we know who I think are a much better match for her. So far she's turned them all down. I'm worried this is going to come back later when she realizes tinder matches are not an accurate measurement for who a girl can land in a relationship.

 

Do I explain this to her, or let her figure things out for herself, even if it damages her reputation/emotionally.

 

I vote for the bolded.

 

I am going through a different but similar situation with my roommate. She says she wants a serious relationship, but A) she finds all the relationship-minded men "boring," and B) she seems to prioritize dating guys who are not interested in relationships, and then wonders why she gets her heart broken every three months.

 

Having gone through this with her for several cycles now, I can see her blind spots, but if I (or anyone else) point these things out to her, she gets defensive. So, I have just stopped trying to point these things out.

 

I think what your friend needs to learn can only be learned by going through. You telling her isn't going to be enough.