Fuerza Posted August 24, 2016 Posted August 24, 2016 I've been on 2 dates with this guy now and we have an amazing connection and thus decided to be exclusive. 1 problem: I have gotten the catastrophical diagnosis of a muscle disease few years ago and therefore don't know what my future will hold. At the moment I'm stable, I've had a new treatment which should protect me from any further relapses for about 10 years. Now, when do I tell him this? Do I tell him this now? Or wait it out a bit? I don't want to hide it from him and therefore just want to get it over with, so that if he doesn't feel like he can be with someone with a disease like this, we can just end this early. Any opinions?
spiderowl Posted August 24, 2016 Posted August 24, 2016 I am sorry to hear of your diagnosis. I know that health problems can make you feel dating is a struggle. The right guy will be with you because he likes you and wants you, not because of your health. Having said that, I would tell him sooner rather than later. If he is not going to stick around, you get your answer fast and don't invest any more of your precious heart on him. If he stays, then you haven't got to worry about telling him. Is there a point in waiting? 5
Author Fuerza Posted August 24, 2016 Author Posted August 24, 2016 It really is, I wasn't even expecting to be in a relationship as most men run for the hills when I tell them about my health issues. He might be different, but I know he wants kids badly which might be a problem in my case. But you've got some really valid points, I also don't want to hurt him by waiting and telling it to him much later in the relationship. Thanks a lot!
No_Go Posted August 24, 2016 Posted August 24, 2016 I think wait until you become a bf/gf. The first 5 dates is too much too soon for such a disclosure. Do you even know his relationship goals? If so and he explicitly stated he wants kids, you may hint that you have a medical issue that interferes with reproduction, but don't disclose your whole medical history before knowing where things are headed towards (there are waaaaay to many 'great connections' after 2 dates followed by slow fade, ghosting etc). It really is, I wasn't even expecting to be in a relationship as most men run for the hills when I tell them about my health issues. He might be different, but I know he wants kids badly which might be a problem in my case. But you've got some really valid points, I also don't want to hurt him by waiting and telling it to him much later in the relationship. Thanks a lot! 2
Author Fuerza Posted August 24, 2016 Author Posted August 24, 2016 I think wait until you become a bf/gf. The first 5 dates is too much too soon for such a disclosure. Do you even know his relationship goals? If so and he explicitly stated he wants kids, you may hint that you have a medical issue that interferes with reproduction, but don't disclose your whole medical history before knowing where things are headed towards (there are waaaaay to many 'great connections' after 2 dates followed by slow fade, ghosting etc). We've talked about our relationship goals and made it very clear we are serious about this and the goal is marriage and kids. It is kind of still too soon, but it's annoying to hide doctor appointments, find excuses why I can't walk longer distances etc. I'm so stuck seriously. It's always either too soon which makes them run or way too late and then they get pissed because I hid things from them. Timing never seems to be good. I just don't want to screw it up with this guy
xxoo Posted August 24, 2016 Posted August 24, 2016 We've talked about our relationship goals and made it very clear we are serious about this and the goal is marriage and kids. It is kind of still too soon, but it's annoying to hide doctor appointments, find excuses why I can't walk longer distances etc. I'm so stuck seriously. It's always either too soon which makes them run or way too late and then they get pissed because I hid things from them. Timing never seems to be good. I just don't want to screw it up with this guy I'd tell him before sex. Not because it's related to sex, but because it's on a similar level of intimacy. You don't want to spill your guts to every guy you go on a date with, but you do have sex with every guy, either. After a bit of trust and closeness has developed, and you're ready to deepen the intimacy and advance the relationship, it's time. 6
Eternal Sunshine Posted August 24, 2016 Posted August 24, 2016 The problem is that unless you knew each other from before you dated, 2 dates is really not enough time for any deeper connection. At that point, why wouldn't he just start over with another girl? The fact that he wants marriage and children means that those are his dating goals with someone, it's way too early for him to know that it's *you*. I would wait at least couple of months until your bond is somewhat solidified. There is no need to expose yourself to unnecessary trauma. Give him a chance to get to know you a bit first. 1
preraph Posted August 24, 2016 Posted August 24, 2016 I think if you have to hide things, it's time to tell him. If kids are really out of the question, you need to let him know that right away. If they're not, that's different. I know happily married people with Lupus. 1
spiderowl Posted August 24, 2016 Posted August 24, 2016 You might not want to tell him within the first couple of weeks because it is too early to tell anyone your most private information, but soon enough so that you don't get too involved. I am thinking of how you would feel if you got attached and then he backed out or how he would feel if he got attached and then found out. I think you need to mention it before that stage. I really sympathise. I have health problems too and it is a question of what to say and when, even though mine are (supposedly) more transient issues. I have chatted to guys who say they do not care about health issues, it is me they want to get to know, so there are guys out there who do not see health as the most important aspect of a relationship.
Arieswoman Posted August 24, 2016 Posted August 24, 2016 Fuerza, I am sorry that you are in a challenging situation medically. However, I think you should tell him as soon as possible. Just my 6 penneth. Good luck. x 2
BikerAccnt Posted August 24, 2016 Posted August 24, 2016 I would tell him sooner rather than later; especially considering you've already decided to be exclusive. He has a right to know what he's getting into, and you have a right to know if he's the kind of man who will stick by you. The woman I am now seeing told me on our third date of a possibly serious cancer situation she was diagnosed with; I am still with her 1.5 months later. If she just told me now, after I'd gotten attached, I'd be upset and disappointed. As is, her letting me know ahead of the emotional attachment, made my trust level in her go way up right at the get go. IT takes a lot of guts to let people know there may be problems up front. And really, you want someone who won't run when the going gets tough. Holding back on him, may not do you any favors. 4
BikerAccnt Posted August 24, 2016 Posted August 24, 2016 I just don't want to screw it up with this guy If he's a good guy, and he's already developed feelings for you, telling him won't screw it up. 3
Author Fuerza Posted August 24, 2016 Author Posted August 24, 2016 You might not want to tell him within the first couple of weeks because it is too early to tell anyone your most private information, but soon enough so that you don't get too involved. I am thinking of how you would feel if you got attached and then he backed out or how he would feel if he got attached and then found out. I think you need to mention it before that stage. I really sympathise. I have health problems too and it is a question of what to say and when, even though mine are (supposedly) more transient issues. I have chatted to guys who say they do not care about health issues, it is me they want to get to know, so there are guys out there who do not see health as the most important aspect of a relationship. Exactly how I feel about it! My ex was really supportive of my situation, so yeah it really does depend on the guy! Thanks for the support and advise, appreciate it! Fuerza, I am sorry that you are in a challenging situation medically. However, I think you should tell him as soon as possible. Just my 6 penneth. Good luck. x Thank you! I think I've made my mind up and will tell him within the next few dates. Maybe the next one and just get it over with. I know he likes me a lot, we're super intense and passionate together, the connection is pretty crazy. So I'd rather just tell him now before he actually falls in love (or before I do). I would tell him sooner rather than later; especially considering you've already decided to be exclusive. He has a right to know what he's getting into, and you have a right to know if he's the kind of man who will stick by you. The woman I am now seeing told me on our third date of a possibly serious cancer situation she was diagnosed with; I am still with her 1.5 months later. If she just told me now, after I'd gotten attached, I'd be upset and disappointed. As is, her letting me know ahead of the emotional attachment, made my trust level in her go way up right at the get go. IT takes a lot of guts to let people know there may be problems up front. And really, you want someone who won't run when the going gets tough. Holding back on him, may not do you any favors. Yes exactly, I completely agree! Thank you for sharing that, it's nice to know your point of view and I love the fact that you didn't run away after she shared such serious information. I hope she's okay and best of luck to the 2 of you!
Author Fuerza Posted August 24, 2016 Author Posted August 24, 2016 Thank you everyone for the advise btw, much appreciated! I will just go ahead and tell him on the next date (3d one). He likes me, I like him, I better just be upfront about it and see where this goes. 8
smackie9 Posted August 24, 2016 Posted August 24, 2016 When you break the news, maybe suggest a website he can go and read up on the disease. People get frightened when they hear the word ''disease" because it's an unknown. By educating him, it will put him at ease. 2
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