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Girlfriend of one year won't go to my mothers funeral

AustralianGuy

By AustralianGuy
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AustralianGuy Member

AustralianGuy

Posted
Posted (edited)

Hi all,

 

I just wanted some opinions on this topic please as I am very upset at this point in time and feel very let down.

 

My partner "40" and I "45" have been together a year. We don't live together but she has a young daughter from another marriage.

 

Last month my mother passed away and naturally I have been pretty upset.

 

This weekend is my mothers memorial service interstate "only a one hour flight away" and when I asked my partner to attend ,at my expense, no cost to her, because it will mean a lot to me to have her support, she said no.

 

When I asked why, she only said "i don't know" at first, then the next day said she didn't want her daughter exposed to that sort of sadness and that she herself was not in a good space? For clarity she has said she isn't in a good space for a little while now, because of her abusive ex, and i keep offering her support both via myself or paying for a councillor but she never accepts. So to me it's starting to sound like an excuse.

 

I then asked if she would just like to come with me for a little weekend away without having to attend the service, but still just being there for me after the service as a friendly face and a support person. Again she said no.

 

I am honestly thinking about walking away from this relationship as I feel she is not being very supportive.

 

She had LOTS of problems with her ex husband and I was ALWAYS there for her, and now that I need support she seems to be looking for reasons not to support me.

 

Any constructive thoughts on this would be appreciated as I don't know what to do.

 

I did write this quickly so I'm sorry if it seems cold, but I really like this girl and I'm upset that she doesn't want to support me after all I've done for her.

 

Thanks

Australian Guy

Edited by AustralianGuy
getsmartie Established Member

getsmartie

Posted
Posted

Hi AG,

 

Sorry to hear about your mothers passing.

 

In terms of your gf, I think it's incredibly sad that she isn't being supportive to you during this tough time. Sometimes while dating we are shown little red flags and often we ignore them because we give them the benefit of the doubt or we don't want to be alone, or start over again. In this case, this flag is big and her true colors are exposed....walk away.

 

Do you really want someone who you can't lean on when you need them for emotional support?

 

I could NEVER have done that to my bf regardless of anything else going on in my life.

  • Like 8
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AustralianGuy Member

AustralianGuy

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Thanks GS for your kind words and reply.

I think deep down I am feeling exactly what you posted.

This weekend will be one of the hardest weekends of my life and she only seems concerned with her "issues" whilst totally ignoring mine.

That isn't what a relationship should be built on.

It makes me sad to think about it because I like her so much, but this feels like a deal breaker.

getsmartie Established Member

getsmartie

Posted
Posted

Glad you're seeing that...don't press ignore.

 

How you treat a person says a lot about you as a person.

 

This is not someone I'd want to be with regardless of how much I like them. They are not being kind or respectful to you!

  • Like 2
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AustralianGuy Member

AustralianGuy

Posted
  • Author
Posted

You are right, but as you know it can be so hard to let go.

We have had made so many wonderful memories together and were even discussing IVF.

It's hard to say goodbye :(

I just wish she would get help for these "issues"

deep_night Established Member

deep_night

Posted
Posted

im really sorry about your mum : ( you must have been devastated.... your girlfriend isnt a good girlfriend at all, you deserve much better and youre right to be upset (hugs)

  • Like 1
spiderowl Established Member

spiderowl

Posted
Posted

I am sorry to hear about your Mum. It is clearly a very sad time for you.

 

Have you actually met this girlfriend or is this a long-distance relationship where you haven't met yet? This is very important because if there has been no meeting, she may not have intended to ever meet or may already be in a relationship.

 

If you have met and she is your girlfriend, then I'm sorry but she is not being supportive. She may not be in the right place right now but she should realise this is a difficult time for you and be there to support you in some way. I can understand her not wanting to expose her daughter to sadness and maybe that's something you could both work round, but not wanting to support you at all seems selfish.

 

Is she supportive in other ways or is this a pattern?

  • Like 1
Els Established Member

Els

Posted
Posted

Sorry to hear about your mum.

 

If you can handle it, I would walk. She's clearly not LTR material and isn't worth wasting any more time on. Not supporting a partner during such a time of bereavement is a dealbreaker IMO.

  • Like 3
Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

Posted
Posted

So sorry about the loss of your mom.

 

I agree with the others, this is extremely cruel, indifferent and uncaring on her part. What is the use of having a partner if they cannot be by your side during your most difficult times.

 

She sounds full of unresolved issues. She needs to go figure herself out and you need a 'real' partner.

  • Like 5
CarrieT Established Member

CarrieT

Posted
Posted

I am so sorry for your loss and the hurt that has been compounded by your GF.

I am honestly thinking about walking away from this relationship as I feel she is not being very supportive.

I think you should end the relationship, truthfully. This is a time when we rely on our partners more than anything and she is not there for you.

  • Like 3
preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted

Not taking a child to me is a very rational thing to do. I don't get why people take kids to any funerals except if it was someone the kid was close to. It scares them.

 

But it sounds to me like she's on her way out of the relationship because she's not very connected and sounds distracted. You need to drill down on what it is she's having trouble with. Does she have a mental disorder where this happens sometimes like bipolar? Is she hung up on her ex? Drill down on it. But sounds like she's shutting you out.

  • Like 2
ChatroomHero Established Member

ChatroomHero

Posted
Posted

Sometimes people that claim their ex was abusive, but it would be nice to talk to their ex because he may well have left for the same reasons you are running into. The 'horrors and abuse' she may claim to have suffered may have been her own doing. Maybe the guy had enough of supporting her with nothing in return.

 

 

I think you offering counseling and being there for her without her willing to do the same for you is extremely telling. I think it is telling about your future and her past.

 

 

Surround yourself with true friends, you know who they are, and nobody else while you deal with this. It doesn't sound like she would fit in this group.

  • Like 2
ChickiePops Established Member

ChickiePops

Posted
Posted

I'm really sorry about your mom..my boyfriend at the time pulled the same thing when I lost my mom. He didn't even call me while I was back home. It's very painful and unfair, especially considering the support you've given her about her ex.

 

I think this one might be a wash.

  • Like 2
pteromom Established Member

pteromom

Posted
Posted

I am really sorry about the loss of your mother. :(

 

I don't know. I think it is a mistake to assume that how you feel about family and funerals is something she can relate to.

 

Funerals can be very traumatic for some people.

 

And loss of parents may not be as big of a deal for someone who had a bad childhood or lack of connection with their own parents.

 

I wouldn't necessarily use this one instance as a barometer for your relationship. How is she in supporting you NOW? Does she take your needs into account? Is she good at both taking and giving?

 

If she just isn't a giver, it could be that she isn't capable of giving you what you need.

 

I am sorry.

  • Like 2
SincereOnlineGuy Established Member

SincereOnlineGuy

Posted
Posted
Hi all,

 

I just wanted some opinions on this topic please as I am very upset at this point in time and feel very let down.

 

My partner "40" and I "45" have been together a year. We don't live together but she has a young daughter from another marriage.

 

Last month my mother passed away and naturally I have been pretty upset.

 

This weekend is my mothers memorial service interstate "only a one hour flight away" and when I asked my partner to attend ,at my expense, no cost to her, because it will mean a lot to me to have her support, she said no.

 

When I asked why, she only said "i don't know" at first, then the next day said she didn't want her daughter exposed to that sort of sadness and that she herself was not in a good space? For clarity she has said she isn't in a good space for a little while now, because of her abusive ex, and i keep offering her support both via myself or paying for a councillor but she never accepts. So to me it's starting to sound like an excuse.

 

I then asked if she would just like to come with me for a little weekend away without having to attend the service, but still just being there for me after the service as a friendly face and a support person. Again she said no.

 

I am honestly thinking about walking away from this relationship as I feel she is not being very supportive.

 

She had LOTS of problems with her ex husband and I was ALWAYS there for her, and now that I need support she seems to be looking for reasons not to support me.

 

Any constructive thoughts on this would be appreciated as I don't know what to do.

 

I did write this quickly so I'm sorry if it seems cold, but I really like this girl and I'm upset that she doesn't want to support me after all I've done for her.

 

Thanks

Australian Guy

 

 

 

Some people simply don't do funerals.

 

Some people don't fly on airplanes.

 

 

If your partner were the sort who is afraid to fly, then would you expect her to drop everything and fly "only a one hour flight away" just to attend this service?

 

 

And you don't state the age of the child either... if the child is quite young, there cannot be any upside to having the child there.

 

 

While of course you should be more proactive about the partner not being in a good space, the funeral issue is one you might do well to drop.

  • Like 1
getsmartie Established Member

getsmartie

Posted
Posted
Some people simply don't do funerals.

 

Some people don't fly on airplanes.

 

 

If your partner were the sort who is afraid to fly, then would you expect her to drop everything and fly "only a one hour flight away" just to attend this service?

 

 

And you don't state the age of the child either... if the child is quite young, there cannot be any upside to having the child there.

 

 

While of course you should be more proactive about the partner not being in a good space, the funeral issue is one you might do well to drop.

 

I don't agree with this at all. If she isnt capable of providing the most basic support one would need with the death of a partners parent then she isn't fulfilling his needs. Isn't that what we all strive for in relationships....to have our needs being met?

 

As far as the young child attending the funeral, I do agree about how traumatic it would be BUT he did invite her just for the weekend and telling her she didn't have to attend the service (original post). That being said the child would not be attending any funeral service. He wanted her for support and to see her friendly face and she still said no.

 

She does sound like a taker and not a giver. She certainly hasn't let OP feel that he is cared for or supported.

  • Like 3
SincereOnlineGuy Established Member

SincereOnlineGuy

Posted
Posted
I don't agree with this at all. If she isnt capable of providing the most basic support one would need with the death of a partners parent then she isn't fulfilling his needs. Isn't that what we all strive for in relationships....to have our needs being met?

 

As far as the young child attending the funeral, I do agree about how traumatic it would be BUT he did invite her just for the weekend and telling her she didn't have to attend the service (original post). That being said the child would not be attending any funeral service. He wanted her for support and to see her friendly face and she still said no.

 

She does sound like a taker and not a giver. She certainly hasn't let OP feel that he is cared for or supported.

 

 

 

IF the woman were afraid to fly, and if this guy needed her to take "just a one hour flight away" to fulfill his needs, does that mean she should take the flight??

 

 

You can strive for whatever you want, in a relationship, but you need to be more realistic where it concerns the world around you at present.

 

 

That first paragraph up there is parallel to that which would try to justify (or even coerce) a woman giving a blowjob even when she is dead set against giving blowjobs. (for whatever her reasons may be)

 

 

In the case of the blowjob, certainly the guy needs to respect her boundaries long before he considers her unwillingness to fulfill his needs.

Els Established Member

Els

Posted
Posted (edited)
Some people simply don't do funerals.

 

Some people don't fly on airplanes.

 

 

If your partner were the sort who is afraid to fly, then would you expect her to drop everything and fly "only a one hour flight away" just to attend this service?

 

 

Nowhere is it even mentioned that the OP's partner is suffering from severe phobia of flying. She didn't even SAY that, so you're really reaching there.

 

FTR, I DO have a phobia of flying and despite that, if my SO needed me to take a flight because his mother just died, you can bet I'll have my plane ticket ready in 10 minutes' time. And if someone 'doesn't do' funerals, that should be something they mention straight up on the first date so nobody needs to waste time with them, because I'll bet that 99% of sane people don't 'do' relationships with a person who can't even be there with them when they lose a loved one.

 

IF the woman were afraid to fly, and if this guy needed her to take "just a one hour flight away" to fulfill his needs, does that mean she should take the flight??

 

 

You can strive for whatever you want, in a relationship, but you need to be more realistic where it concerns the world around you at present.

 

 

That first paragraph up there is parallel to that which would try to justify (or even coerce) a woman giving a blowjob even when she is dead set against giving blowjobs. (for whatever her reasons may be)

.....What!?!?!? :confused: If you can't even fathom the difference between the grief of losing a parent and wanting a ****ing blowjob, I don't think you should be in a relationship or giving advice about one, ever. That has to be the most ludicrous comparison I have EVER seen. That's like someone saying "My house burned down and my girlfriend won't let me stay at her place for the night while I sort things out" and getting the response "Well, that's like trying to coerce her to let you give her anal. Back off and get your own place to stay, man." :rolleyes: Edited by Elswyth
  • Like 9
Gloria25 Established Member

Gloria25

Posted
Posted
IF the woman were afraid to fly, and if this guy needed her to take "just a one hour flight away" to fulfill his needs, does that mean she should take the flight??

 

 

You can strive for whatever you want, in a relationship, but you need to be more realistic where it concerns the world around you at present.

 

 

That first paragraph up there is parallel to that which would try to justify (or even coerce) a woman giving a blowjob even when she is dead set against giving blowjobs. (for whatever her reasons may be)

 

 

In the case of the blowjob, certainly the guy needs to respect her boundaries long before he considers her unwillingness to fulfill his needs.

 

Sorry for the loss of your mum. Maybe, maybe, to give her the benefit of a doubt, see how she acts in your absence. Does she call you? Did she send flowers? When you come back is she waiting for you with open arms and a warm bubble bath?

 

Yes, some people don't do funerals, flying, etc.. I had a coworker that her husband died. Every time I ran into her I didn't know what to say. I kept on saying I was gonna cook a lasagna and take to her home and I chickened out. I do realize now, with age, that I have to step out of my comfort zone to be there for others.

Toodaloo Established Member

Toodaloo

Posted
Posted

AG.

 

I am going to tell you about my ex. We were together for several years when my beloved Gpa died. I was devastated. He made a fuss about attending his funeral with me. He also was vile and not very supportive while there...

 

His excuse was that he "didn't do" funerals.

 

He also didn't "do" other things like compassion, generosity, basic manners...

 

We ended because I was seriously ill over a period of many months, in and out of hospital. He did NOTHING to help me, unless you count picking me up each time I was discharged from hospital. Sometimes he didn't even let my parents know that I had been taken in again and was at deaths door again... On one of those occasions he refused to even bring me clothes to wear to go home or park close by. So I had to walk through a very busy hospital, through a small shopping centre and down several streets wearing no shoes, no socks, a pair of dirty pants and a dirty old T shirt, in the rain, in winter. I don't know what was worse. The humiliation of being so stinky, dirty and bedraggled and in public and unable to do anything about it, or the fact that I was rushed back in again a mere 2 days later when my immune system gave up again after getting cold and wet.

 

One day I was in hospital (again) and my body just gave out. Yep I died. My mother was there as she had been visiting when my body finally gave up, the doctors were trying to revive me and he popped in. The doctors obviously told him what was happening, explained that I was technically dead and that they were trying to revive me. His reaction was to shrug, turn round, walk out with out even looking at me and go paint balling for the weekend with his mates. He even had the audacity to tell his friends that I was fine and being a hypochondriac when they asked how I was... He didn't phone to see if I had survived and had a lovely weekend.

 

My advice to you is to get rid and date people who actually care about you. Because if you don't there will be nothing left of you to give and she will throw you away like you are nothing. Dog poop on their shoes will get more of a reaction from people like this. Do not do it to yourself.

  • Like 2
SincereOnlineGuy Established Member

SincereOnlineGuy

Posted
Posted
Nowhere is it even mentioned that the OP's partner is suffering from severe phobia of flying. She didn't even SAY that, so you're really reaching there.

 

FTR, I DO have a phobia of flying and despite that, if my SO needed me to take a flight because his mother just died, you can bet I'll have my plane ticket ready in 10 minutes' time. And if someone 'doesn't do' funerals, that should be something they mention straight up on the first date so nobody needs to waste time with them, because I'll bet that 99% of sane people don't 'do' relationships with a person who can't even be there with them when they lose a loved one.

 

.....What!?!?!? :confused: If you can't even fathom the difference between the grief of losing a parent and wanting a ****ing blowjob, I don't think you should be in a relationship or giving advice about one, ever. That has to be the most ludicrous comparison I have EVER seen. That's like someone saying "My house burned down and my girlfriend won't let me stay at her place for the night while I sort things out" and getting the response "Well, that's like trying to coerce her to let you give her anal. Back off and get your own place to stay, man." :rolleyes:

 

 

 

This post reads as if you haven't even read the thread.

 

 

I never said or assumed that the partner IS afraid of flying.

 

 

And you don't 'know' that the partner didn't state long ago that they 'don't DO funerals'.

 

 

I can just envision your taking the exact opposite stance at some soon moment where somebody here on LS is grumbling about being coerced into giving a BJ.

 

You simply cannot have it both ways.

 

 

You either respect your partners boundaries, or you don't...

 

It doesn't matter what they ARE - religion proves as much.

Els Established Member

Els

Posted
Posted (edited)

 

I can just envision your taking the exact opposite stance at some soon moment where somebody here on LS is grumbling about being coerced into giving a BJ.

 

Of course I would, because the grief of losing a loved one and the 'need' for a BJ right now are worlds apart. :confused: It's frankly extremely concerning that you don't understand that. You appear to be the only person on this thread who seems to think that the two are equal, has it ever occurred to you to think about why?

 

You simply cannot have it both ways.

 

You either respect your partners boundaries, or you don't...

 

It doesn't matter what they ARE - religion proves as much.

Everyone has the right to walk away if they perceive this 'boundary' to be unreasonable (and in this case, the vast majority of people would find her 'boundary' completely selfish and unreasonable).

 

"My boundary is that I don't want to receive anal" (from either sex) - reasonable

 

"My boundary is that I never want to help you in a time of need, if your mother dies I'm still putting myself first" - unreasonable

 

"My boundary is that I don't feel like having sex or going out on a date with you today because I'm ill" - reasonable

 

"My boundary is that I never want to touch you, and if you went into cardiac arrest I'd sooner let you die than give you CPR" - unreasonable

 

It really isn't that hard.

Edited by Elswyth
  • Like 2
Miss Peach Established Member

Miss Peach

Posted
Posted (edited)
I think relationships have these moments where a person is given the opportunity to really step up and show you they are a great partner, or for them to show you that you need to move on. Your GF is now showing you that she is not relationship material. A good woman would not even need to be convinced to go to a funeral. When you told her the funeral, she would say, "When are we going?" You can do better.

 

This was my initial thought.

 

I had an ex who missed my college graduation to have lunch with his aunt who lived nearby. She didn't work. He could have seen her anytime. He CHOSE to see her when I needed him. That is when I should have dumped him.

 

I do feel for you as I am dealing with something similar. I was assaulted and followed recently and my BF's reaction was simply 'Let me know if I can do anything'. No questions, no advice, no ideas, to texts to see if I was OK, etc. I felt so disappointed in him not trying to do anything to support me thorough it. He couldn't even ask about my day after reporting this creep (and yes, the creep was waiting and looking for me). I did find out I have wonderful and supportive friends and coworkers though.

 

Just sucks that it's not my BF of 15 months helping me through this. I feel sad that my coworker was more outraged and wanted to kick the guy's butt than my BF. In my case I have let him know how I felt, that I need a partner I can count on, and am waiting to see if he steps up. He seemed to have it in his head not to impose so I gave him permission to essentially. I have given myself a timeline of 3 months to see what he does. If it's exactly the same then I plan to leave. I know he's thinking marriage but after not being there for me I need to put those ideas on ice until I feel better about the relationship.

 

It's your choice whether you want to let her go now or give her a chance to meet your expectations but I wouldn't just let it go.

Edited by Miss Peach
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