No_Go Posted August 24, 2016 Posted August 24, 2016 Indeed! It's like American culture is be-all and end-all. Also in my circles in the US I have plenty of friends that start dating in their twenties or later! Especially those with demanding degrees and jobs. I also think it has to do with religion, because I've seen less of that when I lived in Europe (there are more atheists in Europe IME). Oh come on. There are plenty of people who haven't had a bf/gf or sex at the age of 21, several of them are on this board. I also know several people IRL who were single longer than that, and many of them went on to find a good spouse or LTR partner later in life. You must have a very restricted social circle, if you can't fathom that some people are different from you (and that that's okay). How do you even know the OP and his gf are American? There are other countries on this globe, you know. I'm not American, but given that there are other Americans on this thread and yet you were the only one to react in this manner to her relationship history, I daresay you don't speak for all of them either. 1
RecentChange Posted August 24, 2016 Posted August 24, 2016 To be honest, I've never understood the rationale as to why one would stay a virgin till they were married but do everything else. Now, correct me if I'm wrong (I'm not Christian and have had plenty of sex before marriage) but isn't staying a virgin till marriage about sexual purity? Let's face it, a girl is hardly sexually pure if she and her partner have been doing all kinds of sexual play. I am not religious either - but I thought the logic behind this is that other acts can get you pregnant. And are less likely to result in the kind of STI that would cause infertility. A BJ isn't going to get anyone pregnant. Even if precautions are used, there is no 100% preventative when it comes to PIV. 1
JoeSmith357-1 Posted August 24, 2016 Posted August 24, 2016 Oh come on. There are plenty of people who haven't had a bf/gf or sex at the age of 21, several of them are on this board. I also know several people IRL who were single longer than that, and many of them went on to find a good spouse or LTR partner later in life. You must have a very restricted social circle, if you can't fathom that some people are different from you (and that that's okay). So, huge difference between being single, and never having dated at that age. HUGE. I stand by my statement. And I think most people, if they were honest are with me. I ask myself, did i know ANYBODY who had never dated by age 21? Answer no. Did you? How do you even know the OP and his gf are American? There are other countries on this globe, you know. If they aren't American, that was not readily apparent to me. However, I don't think that outside of some fascist type muslim countries, that not dating into your 20's is a thing, maybe i'm wrong My responses are American-centric, and 10000% applicable I'm not American, but given that there are other Americans on this thread and yet you were the only one to react in this manner to her relationship history, I daresay you don't speak for all of them either. I don't know if the OP is American or not. I assumed he is. Culturally speaking, I think this is an American board. So they get american type advice / social norms It does not do much to be giving cultural advice to am American if you aren't from here, especially if your culture is vastly different
JoeSmith357-1 Posted August 24, 2016 Posted August 24, 2016 Also in my circles in the US I have plenty of friends that start dating in their twenties or later! By choice??? I would bet there were extenuating circumstances that led to that (looks, weight, etc)
spiderowl Posted August 24, 2016 Posted August 24, 2016 You're her first boyfriend. She's shy, inexperienced. She probably thinks she needs to set rules because that's what a decent girl does. She may feel guilty if she does otherwise if she comes from a strict religious background. It will take time for her to relax with you and realise she doesn't have to be so restrictive and shy. However, you need to know if it is a possibility in the future if you and she stay together. Once she trusts you and feels secure with you, will it be possible? If she still insists on her rule, then you need to decide whether waiting a while to see if she becomes more confident and relaxes with you is worth it or not. 1
NewLeaf512 Posted August 24, 2016 Posted August 24, 2016 We did have a further discussion about it. She told me that she feels like she's forcing celibacy on me. I told her that she isn't forcing anything on me, but I also explained that I want her to be more open. It was during that discussion that I realized just how closed off she was. Thing is, we're both still young. She's 21. I think I might be the first serious BF she's ever had. The first time I took her out, she admitted that it was her first ever date. So I know she's probably experiencing a lot of things for the first time and I think part of that is scary for her. For example, she doesn't seem to grasp that there are levels sexual intimacy. To her its kissing and from that BOOM straight to intercourse. Meanwhile I know there are a lot of things that people can do that wouldnt be classified as them having sex You are young. She's religious. She told you her views upfront. It's only been 3 months and you may be her first serious BF. She's allowed her moral code as you are yours. It's ok if it's not right for you, because you want sex before, and it's ok for her to be true to her moral compass. If it is not a compatibility match, you can find a GF aligned to your world view and sexual needs and she can find someone who believes as she does. It doesn't make either of you wrong, it's just not a match. 7
No_Go Posted August 24, 2016 Posted August 24, 2016 Yes, by choice. By just looking at people you can't tell whether they have had dating/sexual history or not. I'm agnostic myself but start attending church because of my BF and to my surprice - most people were either married or about to be married to their first partner (I'm talking people mid-late 20s to early 30s, normal looking). That's why I assumed that it is common in the US. Prior to that I use to hang out in crowds of physicists - most have had 0-2 relationships and were already in their thirties. Virgin at 25 was not an exception. As said I stayed virgin (and haven't dated at all) until my late 20s. You won't tell. I look good, dress well, am thin and tall (BMI < 20) etc. It is a choice I generally don't regret (my only regret is that because I started late, I was not good in reading red flags in potential partners). By choice??? I would bet there were extenuating circumstances that led to that (looks, weight, etc)
xxoo Posted August 24, 2016 Posted August 24, 2016 I'm not religious now, but was raised that way. The expectation in my church was no sex outside of marriage....meaning no sex. No oral, no manual. No sex. No touching genitals. No sexual contact. None. Nada. Zip. Zero. Zilch. I would assume that's what she meant, unless she clarifies otherwise. So far, her actions indicate that's what she meant by no sex. Talk to her. Listen to her. 4
preraph Posted August 24, 2016 Posted August 24, 2016 I'll try make this as short as I can. I've been dating my GF for 3 months now. She told me quite early on that she doesn't want sex until marraige (religious reasons) and I was ok with it. But i'm worried that the lack of intimacy is starting to bother me. When she said no sex, I assumed she meant intercourse. I thought that other things were still on the table (e.g. oral) but right now she seems very closed off. She even goes to the bathroom if she needs to change pants. She's admitted to being freaked out at the idea of both of us being topless together. It's still early stages for both of us, but i'm starting to realize that I also have expectations which are currently not being met. I would never want to force her to do something she isn't comfortable with, but at the same time, I feel like i'm being kept at a distance. I accept that she has a strong relationship with God, but i'm worried that it's putting heavy restrictions on my relationship with her I've always thought it was ridiculous to not do intercourse because you're saving your cherry while cheerfully performing all the more intimate and much bigger deal sex acts in your repertoire like a $300 hooker.
snowangel97 Posted August 24, 2016 Posted August 24, 2016 I'm glad that you are being respectful of her choices and that's exactly what this is- her choice. She has a relationship with God and that relationship calls for her to wait for marriage. I'm glad you all had the discussion early on and I understand your impatience, but this is her choice. I know in 2016, it is not as common for girls to have this viewpoint, but it's hers. Have you sat down with her and really listened to why she does not want to have sex? Honestly, sex within marriage is more than physical; it is a deep emotional connection and I respect her for wanting to wait. Do you think it would be possible to sit down with her and really talk about why she's making this choice? Who knows, it might open your heart to a new viewpoints and give you a greater understanding of her relationship with God.
pteromom Posted August 24, 2016 Posted August 24, 2016 I understand what you're saying. But I would never marry someone who I haven't been intimate with because the truth is that I wouldn't know that person completely. What happens if we get married and then suddenly realize that there are certain aspects of us which completely turn us off? What then? We're married now so it kinda makes it awkward. Marriage isn't the point of my thread though Hate to tell you this but you NEVER know someone completely. And anything can happen in life that changes who someone is. You could get her to have intercourse and it might be wonderful, but that doesn't mean things might not be better or worse sexually 10 years from now. You need to communicate with her. Explain what your definition of intimacy is. Explain that you need physical touch to keep feeling romantic toward her. Ask her what she is comfortable with. But if you aren't seriously considering marrying her, I wouldn't waste your (or her) time. Because it is obvious that marriage is totally the point to HER.
smackie9 Posted August 24, 2016 Posted August 24, 2016 Your expectations are not being met? This is not her fault, it's yours for choosing to stay in this relationship. End it, rather than be resentful of her choice.
Robert Posted August 24, 2016 Posted August 24, 2016 Folks, please stick to the threadstarter's specific topic and discontinue any arguing over what is "normal". Thank you for your cooperation. ~6
Els Posted August 25, 2016 Posted August 25, 2016 (edited) I'm not religious now, but was raised that way. The expectation in my church was no sex outside of marriage....meaning no sex. No oral, no manual. No sex. No touching genitals. No sexual contact. None. Nada. Zip. Zero. Zilch. I would assume that's what she meant, unless she clarifies otherwise. So far, her actions indicate that's what she meant by no sex. Talk to her. Listen to her. To be fair, the few Christians whom I was close to did admit that they did varying levels of sexual activity (but not intercourse) before marriage. It certainly wasn't condoned by the church, but they were 'livin' on the edge' so to speak. Definitely agree with the bolded. Needs more communication. (Edit: Removed the rest after Robert's post) Edited August 25, 2016 by Elswyth
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