GF doesn't sex until marriage

[7675]

I'll try make this as short as I can.

 

I've been dating my GF for 3 months now. She told me quite early on that she doesn't want sex until marraige (religious reasons) and I was ok with it. But i'm worried that the lack of intimacy is starting to bother me.

 

When she said no sex, I assumed she meant intercourse. I thought that other things were still on the table (e.g. oral) but right now she seems very closed off. She even goes to the bathroom if she needs to change pants. She's admitted to being freaked out at the idea of both of us being topless together.

 

It's still early stages for both of us, but i'm starting to realize that I also have expectations which are currently not being met.

 

I would never want to force her to do something she isn't comfortable with, but at the same time, I feel like i'm being kept at a distance. I accept that she has a strong relationship with God, but i'm worried that it's putting heavy restrictions on my relationship with her

[basil67]

And it's OK that you want these things as part of a relationship.

 

Figuring out if the two of you are compatible is what dating is all about. There's no shame in leaving a relationship if your needs aren't getting met.

 

If you decide to end it, she may well say something like "but you said you'd be OK with this going into the relationship". Your response needs to be something like "I thought I would be OK, but now that I'm experiencing it, I'm finding that it's not what I thought it would be"`

[CryForNoOne]

Wow. That would be an absolute deal breaker to me. I remember a thread a few weeks ago where people were asked to assign a percentage value to sex, friendship etc... I look at it this way - sex is very important but it still may only be about 30 or 40% when you factor in friendship, trust, common interests etc... But when you are talking about someone you want to MARRY, they need to score a total of 90% or higher. We're talking til death us part - at least if your vows are sincere. And if they are a total unknown (or worse a big fat ZERO) for something that is 30-40% of the relationship, I could not marry them...

[Els]

When she said no sex, I assumed she meant intercourse. I thought that other things were still on the table (e.g. oral) but right now she seems very closed off.

 

Don't assume what she means - I strongly suggest that you talk to her about what exactly she means by 'sex', and whether or not making out, oral, etc are on the table. Then you'll be able to make a more informed decision. You can't just assume because different people mean different things - they'll range the gamut from 'no intercourse but everything else' to 'no nudity, no making out, no sexual touching whatsoever'. Obviously the two are very different.

[7675]

We did have a further discussion about it. She told me that she feels like she's forcing celibacy on me. I told her that she isn't forcing anything on me, but I also explained that I want her to be more open.

It was during that discussion that I realized just how closed off she was.

 

Thing is, we're both still young. She's 21. I think I might be the first serious BF she's ever had. The first time I took her out, she admitted that it was her first ever date. So I know she's probably experiencing a lot of things for the first time and I think part of that is scary for her.

For example, she doesn't seem to grasp that there are levels sexual intimacy. To her its kissing and from that BOOM straight to intercourse. Meanwhile I know there are a lot of things that people can do that wouldnt be classified as them having sex

[Arieswoman]

7675,

This sounds like a communication problem to me, not a sexual one. You need to have a discussion with your GF to find out what exactly she means and take it from there.

[Gloria25]

Healthy part of a RL?

 

She's 21. She will not be the woman you one day marry. So, she has sex with you and/or gives bjs, and moves on one day. Next guy is gonna want the same, so will the next guy, and next guy and next guy.

 

So by the time she's 30, how many handies, orals, sex, did she give out to different guys?

 

IMO, if this RL isn't serious (i.e. marriage) she has good reason to not give you a handy, oral and/or sex. She's not a prostitute.

 

She wants to have sex with someone special, at 21, guaranteed it's not you or anyone right now.

 

My fav podcaster was talking about orthodox Jewish peeps. There are some who have strict religious practices. The couple don't kiss, touch, oral, and/or sex till they get married. They date developing TRUE "intimacy". In other words, they get to know each other very well - intimately - without having to get physical. So yes, "intimacy" between two people can actually be achieved without oral, handies and/or intercourse.

 

While I'm all for kissing, hugging, and/or petting if you're looking for signals if the person can be intimate with you if he/she is preserving the sex till marriage; and, I'm also a fan of sex after engagement rings have been exchanged - again, you have and will not have either with her. So, I am on her side when it comes to no oral and/or intercourse.

Edited August 24, 2016 by Gloria25

[Els]

For example, she doesn't seem to grasp that there are levels sexual intimacy. To her its kissing and from that BOOM straight to intercourse.

 

Could you explain this to her (nicely)?

 

I mean, if you want to stay with her, you're going to have to take things very slow - if it's her first time and she's conservative/religious, then 3 months is very soon to be doing ANYthing sexual. However it never hurts to communicate, and for you to open her eyes to the fact that there's a wide range between 100% celibacy and intercourse.

[7675]

Aries

You're right. But part of me doesn't want to admit that haha

 

I'm worried that such a discussion may lead to us ending things, and I don't want that.

Like I said, we're both still young, we're both still students in university. We barely have our own lives sorted out and the truth is we aren't really in any place to start having conversations about our long term future because it's so uncertain.

 

So i'm torn between just going with the flow and seeing how things stand maybe a few months to a year from now vs bringing all of this up now.

 

None of it actually bothers me at this very moment. It's not like i'm itching to rip her clothes off. But I would not be happy if things remained this way for a long time.

 

I will discuss it with her eventually

[7675]

Healthy part of a RL?

 

She's 21. She will not be the woman you one day marry. So, she has sex with you and/or gives bjs, and moves on one day. Next guy is gonna want the same, so will the next guy, and next guy and next guy.

 

So by the time she's 30, how many handies, orals, sex, did she give out to different guys?

 

IMO, if this RL isn't serious (i.e. marriage) she has good reason to not give you a handy, oral and/or sex. She's not a prostitute.

 

She wants to have sex with someone special, at 21, guaranteed it's not you or anyone right now.

 

My fav podcaster was talking about orthodox Jewish peeps. There are some who have strict religious practices. The couple don't kiss, touch, oral, and/or sex till they get married. They date developing TRUE "intimacy". In other words, they get to know each other very well - intimately - without having to get physical. So yes, "intimacy" between two people can actually be achieved without oral, handies and/or intercourse.

 

While I'm all for kissing, hugging, and/or petting if you're looking for signals if the person can be intimate with you if he/she is preserving the sex till marriage; and, I'm also a fan of sex after engagement rings have been exchanged - again, you have and will not have either with her. So, I am on her side when it comes to no oral and/or intercourse.

 

I understand what you're saying. But I would never marry someone who I haven't been intimate with because the truth is that I wouldn't know that person completely.

What happens if we get married and then suddenly realize that there are certain aspects of us which completely turn us off? What then? We're married now so it kinda makes it awkward.

 

Marriage isn't the point of my thread though

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

I understand what you're saying. But I would never marry someone who I haven't been intimate with because the truth is that I wouldn't know that person completely.

What happens if we get married and then suddenly realize that there are certain aspects of us which completely turn us off? What then? We're married now so it kinda makes it awkward.

 

Marriage isn't the point of my thread though

 

Well, then why are you still with her?

 

The girl is inexperienced and has her faith which is central to her identity which affects every aspect of her life, including yours now.

 

If sex is something that you don't want to savor until the wedding night, and her very core beliefs are different to the ones you regard. Then sorry, you really are wasting your time. She's better off with another Christian, wouldn't you say?

 

Sorry to come off blunt and cold. But I have seen relationships like this before and they do not often end well, unless one in particular is willing to compromise.

[Toodaloo]

7675

 

I agree with Daisy.

 

You two are way off in your core values.

 

Uni is the best time to meet your future spouse.

 

Don't waste it - for either of you...

[basil67]

she doesn't seem to grasp that there are levels sexual intimacy. To her its kissing and from that BOOM straight to intercourse. Meanwhile I know there are a lot of things that people can do that wouldnt be classified as them having sex

 

To be honest, I've never understood the rationale as to why one would stay a virgin till they were married but do everything else.

 

Now, correct me if I'm wrong (I'm not Christian and have had plenty of sex before marriage) but isn't staying a virgin till marriage about sexual purity? Let's face it, a girl is hardly sexually pure if she and her partner have been doing all kinds of sexual play.

[JoeSmith357-1]

Woman says no sex until marriage, I end the date right there.

 

Find someone else. Period. It's not worth the time, effort or hassle.

[Els]

Well, then why are you still with her?

 

The girl is inexperienced and has her faith which is central to her identity which affects every aspect of her life, including yours now.

 

If sex is something that you don't want to savor until the wedding night, and her very core beliefs are different to the ones you regard.

 

He said "When she said no sex, I assumed she meant intercourse. I thought that other things were still on the table (e.g. oral) but right now she seems very closed off", which sounds to me like he would have been okay with one but not the other. We still don't know if his assumption is right or wrong.

[Els]

To be honest, I've never understood the rationale as to why one would stay a virgin till they were married but do everything else.

 

Now, correct me if I'm wrong (I'm not Christian and have had plenty of sex before marriage) but isn't staying a virgin till marriage about sexual purity? Let's face it, a girl is hardly sexually pure if she and her partner have been doing all kinds of sexual play.

 

Some people do abstain from everything (including kissing) prior to their wedding. But for those who do everything but intercourse, the concern is usually pregnancy - intercourse is literally the only sexual act that can result in pregnancy.

[PogoStick]

Just ditch her and find a good girlfriend. Waiting for marriage ends in a few ways:

 

1. You don't really wait until marriage. At some point she decides to give in because she really wants sex too. Then she justifies it by telling herself it's ok because you're the guy she is GOING to marry.

 

But then of course, how can you respect a girl who believes in silly principles that she won't even follow? (You shouldn't respect that)

 

2. You both rush into marriage so you can get to the having sex part. This is even more dumb as it probably includes a rush into having kids. Next thing you know, you're in 2 kids deep and never truly established compatibility. It could work out, or it could be a 20 year mistake that just drags on and on.

 

3. You break up, and in a year she's banging some other dude because she either went back to point #1, or she gave up on her silly belief altogether. You'll be pissed because you waited around for a whole year and got nothing, meanwhile the next guy is banging her 3 months in.

Edited August 24, 2016 by PogoStick

[clia]

You've been dating her three months. She's 21 and you are her first serious boyfriend. I don't find it at all strange that she might feel uncomfortable changing her clothes in front of you. I think you are expecting way too much at this point in the relationship.

 

For example, she doesn't seem to grasp that there are levels sexual intimacy. To her its kissing and from that BOOM straight to intercourse. Meanwhile I know there are a lot of things that people can do that wouldnt be classified as them having sex

 

To be fair, I dated a lot of men who seemed to think that a kiss opened the door to further groping and sex, so I can see where she's coming from. When you kiss her, do you try to push it further or are you satisfied with just a kiss?

 

Look, you know where she stands on this. She was very up front with you, and you've only invested three months into the relationship. Either you respect her boundaries, or move on and find a girl who will have sex with you.

[JoeSmith357-1]

You've been dating her three months. She's 21 and you are her first serious boyfriend. I don't find it at all strange that she might feel uncomfortable changing her clothes in front of you. I think you are expecting way too much at this point in the relationship.

 

That is absolutely crazy talk here...

 

She's 21

 

Not 12, not 14 or 15 or 16. 21. My mom had me when she was 19 to put things in perspective.

 

At 3 months in, "normal couples" are completely confident being naked in front of their partners. They have had sex dozens of times, in just about every position imaginable. They are comfortable giving and receiving oral, maybe anal.

 

What world do you live in that you are uncomfortable changing clothes in front of your exclusive boyfriend??

 

To be fair, I dated a lot of men who seemed to think that a kiss opened the door to further groping and sex, so I can see where she's coming from. When you kiss her, do you try to push it further or are you satisfied with just a kiss?

 

Yeah, because that's the way it happens... nothing to be surprised at here

 

Look, you know where she stands on this. She was very up front with you, and you've only invested three months into the relationship. Either you respect her boundaries, or move on and find a girl who will have sex with you.

 

I will agree with you on this one. He needs to move on. They are not compatible, and if they were to get married, he will likely be disappointed and resent her for putting him through that.

[Poutrew]

I knew a girl who pulled the 'I'm a good girl' routine on her BFs. Turned out she was a lesbian using the guys as a smokescreen so she could appear normal to her family. After the sexless, kiss less date, she would slink off to her girlfriend's condo for some real action... be careful. Things sometimes are not how they appear...

[clia]

That is absolutely crazy talk here...

 

She's 21

 

Not 12, not 14 or 15 or 16. 21. My mom had me when she was 19 to put things in perspective.

 

He's her first boyfriend and was her first date! She's not experienced. She obviously moves at a much slower pace than your mother did. Not everyone is out having sex as a teenager.

 

At 3 months in, "normal couples" are completely confident being naked in front of their partners. They have had sex dozens of times, in just about every position imaginable. They are comfortable giving and receiving oral, maybe anal.

 

Who are you to define what's "normal"? People's preferences and comfort levels vary.

 

What world do you live in that you are uncomfortable changing clothes in front of your exclusive boyfriend??

 

Some people like their privacy. Who are you to judge her for feeling uncomfortable for taking off her clothes in front of a guy she's only known for three months?

[Els]

That is absolutely crazy talk here...

 

She's 21

 

Not 12, not 14 or 15 or 16. 21. My mom had me when she was 19 to put things in perspective.

 

At 3 months in, "normal couples" are completely confident being naked in front of their partners. They have had sex dozens of times, in just about every position imaginable.

 

The girl is very religious and conservative, in addition to having had no dating experience, so it's completely normal for her to want to take her time. Plenty of religious/conservative folks, even those who are older than her, might behave similarly. If the OP decides he doesn't want to wait, that's totally fine and his prerogative, but her choices are not as outlandish as you make them out to be.

 

Interesting how you seem to believe that everything outside your rather narrow viewpoint and experience is either 'abnormal' or 'doesn't exist', though.

 

They are comfortable giving and receiving oral, maybe anal.

Really? Are you comfortable receiving anal...? Edited August 24, 2016 by Elswyth

[JoeSmith357-1]

He's her first boyfriend and was her first date! She's not experienced. She obviously moves at a much slower pace than your mother did. Not everyone is out having sex as a teenager.

 

So... first boyfriend at 21? Huge red flags, move on

 

Who are you to define what's "normal"? People's preferences and comfort levels vary.

 

Society, not me, determines normal.

 

And for the record, having your first boyfriend at 21 is NOT under any circumstances normal. These days being a virgin at 21 is not normal either. But never having a boyfriend until 21 is so far out of the realm of normal, it goes without saing

 

 

Some people like their privacy. Who are you to judge her for feeling uncomfortable for taking off her clothes in front of a guy she's only known for three months?

 

Yeah, i think that's really weird. But it goes right along the lines of someone who has never had a boyfriend at age 21, I guess...

[Els]

So... first boyfriend at 21? Huge red flags, move on

 

 

 

Society, not me, determines normal.

 

And for the record, having your first boyfriend at 21 is NOT under any circumstances normal. These days being a virgin at 21 is not normal either. But never having a boyfriend until 21 is so far out of the realm of normal, it goes without saing

 

 

 

 

Yeah, i think that's really weird. But it goes right along the lines of someone who has never had a boyfriend at age 21, I guess...

 

Oh come on. There are plenty of people who haven't had a bf/gf or sex at the age of 21, several of them are on this board. I also know several people IRL who were single longer than that, and many of them went on to find a good spouse or LTR partner later in life.

 

You must have a very restricted social circle, if you can't fathom that some people are different from you (and that that's okay).

 

 

It's not a "narrow viewpoint" to think it's WAY OUTSIDE OF NORMAL for a girl, in 2016, in America, to have never dated, never had a boyfriend. At all.

 

How do you even know the OP and his gf are American? There are other countries on this globe, you know.

 

You cannot say otherwise. And if you do, you will be lying.

 

I'm not American, but given that there are other Americans on this thread and yet you were the only one to react in this manner to her relationship history, I daresay you don't speak for all of them either.

[No_Go]

Oh come on! 21 is late for first BF, seriously?? I had mine at 27! Never kissed before 27. And I swear I'm normal I was just so stuck in getting most of my PhD that I was barely leaving the lab in the years prior to that.

 

What age do you think is normal to have your 1st BF nad sexual intercource? 12??

 

 

So... first boyfriend at 21? Huge red flags, move on

 

 

 

Society, not me, determines normal.

 

And for the record, having your first boyfriend at 21 is NOT under any circumstances normal. These days being a virgin at 21 is not normal either. But never having a boyfriend until 21 is so far out of the realm of normal, it goes without saing

 

 

 

 

Yeah, i think that's really weird. But it goes right along the lines of someone who has never had a boyfriend at age 21, I guess...