Snooping on your Significant Other

[PrettyEmily77]

I am going to quote you here, not to get at you but to push forward the point that when snooping in involved there are further issues.

 

Perhaps one person is screwing around.

Perhaps one person is basically mentally unhinged in some way.

 

But its a sure sign that something is wrong... very wrong.

 

Each time I have snooped I have felt bad in the past. These days I don't. Because I know if I feel the need its invariably for a reason because I know I am sound of mind and it is not something I generally do...

 

That's what I'm saying. Before you snoop, think about why - that would be where the issue is because whichever way you look at it, snooping is not ok.

 

It's like saying to someone who got cheated on - hey you know, cheating is not black or white. It is to me, and so is snooping.

Never mind, Toodles. I'm done debating this because of these stupid triggers I was trying to avoid, especially with you because I really like you.

 

Thanks for at least trying to see my and Shining's point of view.

Edited August 25, 2016 by PrettyEmily77

[Toodaloo]

That's what I'm saying. Before you snoop, think about why - that would be where the issue is because whichever way you look at it, snooping is not ok.

 

It's like saying to someone who got cheated on - hey you know, cheating is not black or white. It is to me, and so is snooping.

Never mind, Toodles. I'm done debating this because of these stupid triggers I was trying to avoid, especially with you because I really like you.

 

Thanks for at least trying to see my and Shining's point of view.

 

Oh I most defiantly am - and I can understand that it would be sheer hell to have to walk on egg shells all the time!

 

But in the vast majority of cases people are not going to the lengths you describe. They just have those hairs on the back of their necks saying something is wrong here. They don't have a psycho stalking their every move.

 

In Shinnings case while I can see his ex being a crazy lady, I can also see a very upset woman and a stressed out bloke just not communicating with each other very well. Different styles of communication if you get my drift.

 

The type of snooping you describe is very wrong. there is no if/ but about it. But checking a (not every) text when you have a concern? I don't think that is so bad. Its self preservation and not to gain control over the other person.

[Sarabi]

A couple of weeks ago I got a text in the middle of the night from a married colleague asking if she could come and stay. I was asleep so we spoke the next day.

They had argued because she had been through his phone and found flirty texts and various messages from other women. She had spoken to him about this before because he had done it before and he had said he would change.

They have been married less than a year. Each one is either side of 25yrs old.

It seems (from what I know of them) he was a known playboy/womaniser before they married and I think she knew that. Even when they dated am sure she told him to cool off his friendships and flirting with other girls.

Since being married he has not slept with others from what I could tell but simply doesn't stop entertaining that type of attention from other girls.

 

How can you be a supportive friend through something like this?

 

On the one hand I think people somewhat know (even if they try to deny it) the people they marry or choose to get involved with; the behaviour isn't sudden he was like that before.

I feel bad that she doesn't trust him and has to go through his phone but the change has to come from him and him alone, not threats and getting upset every time your wife finds something she doesn't like. Personally I don't think going through his phone is a good thing, it doesn't imply anything positive in my opinion.

[jen1447]

^ I'd say the mistake she made was marrying a guy she knew to be untrustworthy.

[lana-banana]

Oh, of course those of us who see nuances or shades of gray in this situation are simply trying to justify our own behaviors. That's the only explanation. I'm so disgusted with the idea that accepting complexity means condoing bad behavior.

 

For what it's worth, my profession to a large degree focuses upon criminal and illict behavior, so I kind of know what I'm talking about (a change, I know, but there's a first time for everything!). I study why people do what they do and determine the likelihood that it'll happen again. Guess what? The behavior alone indicates nothing other than that it happened. Context is everything. Our whole judicial system is based upon the idea that actions nust be examined in context to be treated appropriately. NOTHING in the world is black and white. Anyone who can see life in black and white is just doing intellectually lazy shorthand.

 

Shining_One's SO was perilously insecure, had no sense of boundaries, and didn't trust him. Everything she did as described is blatantly wrong. She honestly sounds a tad unhinged; snooping was just a symptom of a larger problem. Anyone who does this is unlikely to sustain a healthy bond with someone. But would Shining_One have started this thread if he once caught her going through his pockets before putting them in the laundry? Probably not.

 

Everyone in this thread seems to agree snooping is bad. I certainly do! But I also accept that not everyone who snoops is bound to do it again or ruin all their future relationships forever, or whatever. Shining_One's ex represents an extreme and the anecdotal evidence in this thread alone suggests a huge spectrum in behaviors and scenarios that are more or less problematic, depending on the people and circumstances involved.

 

tl;dr people are complicated. We can all have our own standards of what we are and aren't willing to accept without suggesting people who see things differently are actually bad people trying to disguise their zomg secret shame.

[elaine567]

Sarabi

She married a womaniser in the hope he would change, but she feels the need to keep checking to see if he has indeed changed, only to find he hasn't changed at all, which then leads to more hope and more checking to see if he has changed...

 

She needs to get off that roundabout.

Edited August 25, 2016 by elaine567

[xxoo]

I've been in a relationship over 25 years and have never been tempted to snoop. Absolutely no need. We are very open with each other.

 

If there were a change in his behavior, if he were suddenly secretive and I caught him in some lies, I can't say I wouldn't snoop. Our relationship would have to be in a bad place for me to snoop, but I would consider it before leaving. I'm just too invested in this relationship to walk away without investigating what happened to us.

[Sarabi]

Sarabi

She married a womaniser in the hope he would change, but she feels the need to keep checking to see if he has indeed changed, only to find he hasn't changed at all, which then leads to more hope and more checking to see if he has changed...

 

She needs to get off that roundabout.

 

True and I agree with you and Jen...

 

But part of me feels it's up to her how long she wants the fairground ride to last.

 

Also as I am single(and witnessing what is good or bad about friends relationships and taking note of how not to behave in future) I think there may be part of her that feels I don't understand. She spoke to a divorced friend of hers...who seemed to encourage working at the relationship because it's early days...

[xxoo]

 

But part of me feels it's up to her how long she wants the fairground ride to last.

 

That's exactly what I would say to her. She knows the ride and is choosing to be on it. The ride isn't changing, but you can help her get off it when she's ready.

[Shining One]

If there were a change in his behavior, if he were suddenly secretive and I caught him in some lies, I can't say I wouldn't snoop. Our relationship would have to be in a bad place for me to snoop, but I would consider it before leaving. I'm just too invested in this relationship to walk away without investigating what happened to us.

This makes some sense to me. You require evidence before you act. A lot of people justifying snooping are doing so based on a "bad feeling" only.

[jen1447]

I've been in a relationship over 25 years and have never been tempted to snoop. Absolutely no need. We are very open with each other.

 

If there were a change in his behavior, if he were suddenly secretive and I caught him in some lies, I can't say I wouldn't snoop. Our relationship would have to be in a bad place for me to snoop, but I would consider it before leaving. I'm just too invested in this relationship to walk away without investigating what happened to us.

 

Serious question/no baiting here - would you draw the line anywhere on the degree of snooping, and if so, where?

[BluEyeL]

Woooooow I'm so shocked by this story - after you went through hell to arrange him a job... He was banding chicks behind your back, just wow.

 

Btw academia in my experience is rough for couples. If one gets successful, the couples split because of envy. If both get successful - they split because of distance (e.g. professorships or postdocs in different universities). If they stay same level - same university - couples get codependent (basically being each others only person that 'understands' them). And it is triple harder for women hitting their most important years in academia in the peak of their fertile age... I still miss this life with my whole heart but don't miss the 'romantic' aspect of it...

Thanks! Off topic.

I know, academia is rough for couples indeed. In our case, yes, it was a huge amount of envy, main reason why he went nuts and needed women to both lift his ego up and humiliate me and put me down somehow.

 

But it was more than that, it was character and my mistake for marrying him. I could have seen that he was envious since we were undergrads and was putting me down at exams (I don't think you'll get 100 etc) and showing envy if I got a high grade. But I was too young to really notice and take action. That's what they mean by hindsight is 20/20.

 

I think it takes a big person in an academic couple not to give in to envy, especially when the woman is the one more successful than the man. Usually it's no problem when the man is more successful. She's happy to trail.BTW, he never complained about my snooping. When i asked him why was he doing this and why all of this happened he yelled "when I married you I didn't know you were so smart! " LOL I'm not even kidding.

 

As for the snooping, I should have not snooped but filed for divorce and cancelled the interviews without looking at his email, just based on his behavior, but I don't think I would have had the strength to do it without reading the proof, that was what gave me the kick in the butt to wake up. Only after reading that I said yeah, I'm an the biggest, fattest effing idiot and doormat and no way I'm doing such huge sacrifices for someone who treats me that way and clearly doesn't have our family's best interests at heart.

 

I don't think I'll need to ever snoop on my fiancee and indeed, if that happens it means that there is a huge problem, like it was in my first marriage. In fact, the other day he got a text and when I asked who is that he said 'work" and I thought I saw the name "Michelle" on the screen. Well, it could have been his ex girlfriend but I let it go. If she's trying something, good luck to her.

Edited August 25, 2016 by BluEyeL

[xxoo]

Serious question/no baiting here - would you draw the line anywhere on the degree of snooping, and if so, where?

 

FWIW, I don't anticipate ever being in this situation...

 

But hypothetically, I'd draw the line at spaces/devices/services that are not "ours". I wouldn't snoop a computer that belongs to an employer, ever. But if it's paid for with marital income, that's different.

[No_Go]

I don't think I'll need to ever snoop on my fiancee and indeed, if that happens it means that there is a huge problem, like it was in my first marriage. In fact, the other day he got a text and when I asked who is that he said 'work" and I thought I saw the name "Michelle" on the screen. Well, it could have been his ex girlfriend but I let it go. If she's trying something, good luck to her.

 

Yeah because here you come from a position of confidence. In the case with your ex - seems like the lack of trust was there and snooping just confirmed there is a real reason.

 

I personally have a pet peeve for people looking in my phone screen / laptop. Even if I'm doing nothing wrong I just hate to reveal the information there (e.g. websites that I'm visiting - haha, some are just weird, others are silly and I prefer to keep this info for myself )

[Weezy1973]

Snooping is actually just a symptom of the problem which is that the person doing the snooping is not feeling safe and secure in the relationship. And as has been mentioned, there's always a reason. Not necessarily that the person being snooped on is not trustworthy or has done anything wrong. Could just be insecurities in the snooper. Either way, if someone were to snoop on me, I would not get all butt hurt about it. I'd try to get to the bottom of why they weren't feeling secure in the relationship and go from there. You know, empathy and all that...

[Tayla]

My level of empathy is not in question when another adult chooses to snoop.

 

I've zero desire to lower my standards of human regard...its called integrity.

 

I may bend but i do not stoop to snoop...

 

That is not love ...

[Weezy1973]

My level of empathy is not in question when another adult chooses to snoop.

 

I've zero desire to lower my standards of human regard...its called integrity.

 

I may bend but i do not stoop to snoop...

 

That is not love ...

 

Well you're just making stuff up. If you love someone, and know they're in such a state of distress about the relationship that they need to snoop, you reach out with love and kindness. That is if you care about the person.

[Tayla]

Well you're just making stuff up. If you love someone, and know they're in such a state of distress about the relationship that they need to snoop, you reach out with love and kindness. That is if you care about the person.

 

What does my love and support say if I am being deceptive to the very person I am snooping on? Or they me? The deception of such an act is not loving. I have little reason to make something up. I think you misconstrued two separate behaviors. I don't hug the robber who is stealing my things...but if you wish to be of that nature...go for it. I don't need to chat up the offender. I do need to be more mindful of being in the company of someone who behaves disrespectful.

[beatcuff]

it appears that BS want to corner the market on 'trust'. that their insecurities trump all. summed up best:

 

A lot of snooping is done not to find that the person is a lying cheating scumbag but to prove that he/she isn't. Snooping is not usually done maliciously, it is done through love, desperation and the hope against hope, that their SO has NOT betrayed them

 

note (underline) the inflammatory language to 'justify' the need to snoop.

 

trust is a two way street. if i cheat then i am breaking the martial trust but similarly if you snoop you are also breaking it. one is not greater than the other. if you find evidence: cheating supersedes snooping but what if none is found, then what? well as detailed on this board too many times you still are in the right: you didn't look hard enough or WS is just careful/good at covering it. so how far will the snooping go ---- ignoring the root cause: your own insecurity. something that the other spouse can 'never' overcome.

 

we are again back at it being easier to tear someone down rather than elevate yourself. so instead of working on yourself or the relationship you go to great lengths to 'justify' your need to snoop: S must be wrong. you waste energy finding fault instead using it to better yourself or the M.

 

and while BS will say to WS: man up, leave before you cheat... one can also say (no cheating involved): if you will only follow your gut, leave, release your spouse they deserve better.

[ManyDissapoint]

Well the thing is you don't always get the smoking gun that gives you an unequivocal reason to know that something is up.

 

My ex had suddenly started hiding her phone, closing her browser, getting up earlier than me to be on the computer. When I came back from a day trip she had packed her bags saying that she was moving away but that she was still committed to me and the relationship. She also had very conspicuously left some family heirlooms gifted to her from my family out of her packed bags.

 

She claimed she was commited to me, said she was 100% faithful and even suggested we get married before she left if I doubted her. The whole thing stunk to high heaven.

 

That's when I snooped, and I would 100% do it again in similar circumstances if I didn't just end the relationship first.

 

I even told her that we should end the relationship if we don't agree that we are really great for each other. She told me she felt the same way, only so that she could be the one that dumped me. Nothing made sense but by god if I had found a smoking gun when snooping it would have made me feel 10x better to dump her rather than go through what I did.

[Timshel]

The dilemma of to snoop or not is so circumstantial. I have friends (male and female) who snooped on their spouse. I would say, because I have known them for many years, that they are very grounded, reasonable people. Not in the least insecure or controlling.

Something(s) had set them off and they asked advice and were torn but I don't know what results they had.

Once they snooped they went silent....and because I had no desire to be involved, never asked. They all remain married to this day though.

 

The only time in a relationship I was pretty sure something was afoot was with my ex husband while I was in hospital with our youngest for bed rest.

When I came back home after three months, all of my alarms were clanging, flags all over, though at the time...pre ls, only the proverbial intuition/gut feeling.

 

So, I didn't snoop on his phone or computer, it didn't cross my mind. True to my own nature I did this:

We had a gate which gave access to our driveway. I went out for the day (suspected ex and coworker were taking lunch at our home) and tied a ribbon with a bow around the gate. He would have to untie the ribbon for the gate to open. I knew that upon leaving he would not retie the bow.

 

I did this several times and the bow was always there when I returned. I did divorce him anyway because I did not believe him and our marriage had reached a point that I could no longer trust him.

 

Personally, I am in the camp that if you have to snoop and talking/working together with your SO does not alleviate doubt....time to hit the road.

That said, I can clearly see that some people have and do snoop and remain in what seems a contented relationship.

 

To each their own I guess as long as love, respect and mutual satisfaction are present.

 

eta: Not around the entire gate, the two bars that would separate when opened. The visual of a giant bow around a gate is hilarious and of course my ex would only think it was a surprise party....to clarify.

Edited August 29, 2016 by Timshel

[OneLov]

Personally, my views are like many others who state that if I "feel" I have to snoop to get the "truth," the relationship is over.

 

But if someone does feel the need to look at their partner's phone, car, underwear drawer, or whatever, instead of snooping just ask them. And search it right in front of them. That way they are able to explain anything that seems suspicious. If they do not have an explanation; you have your answer.

[Weezy1973]

I guess for me the main thing I don't understand is how it's even possible to snoop in a long term relationship. I'm completely open with my partner when I'm in an LTR - there's nothing that I need to keep private from her.

 

For those so vehemently opposed to snooping, is it because you're hiding something from your partner? I mean, if you have no secrets and are completely open with everything (as it should be in an LTR) how can you get offended by it? Wouldn't it just open the door to dialogue?

[jen1447]

I guess for me the main thing I don't understand is how it's even possible to snoop in a long term relationship. I'm completely open with my partner when I'm in an LTR - there's nothing that I need to keep private from her.

 

For those so vehemently opposed to snooping, is it because you're hiding something from your partner? I mean, if you have no secrets and are completely open with everything (as it should be in an LTR) how can you get offended by it? Wouldn't it just open the door to dialogue?

 

There are always ways ppl can be violated, no matter how open you think you are. And snooping isn't always rational - ppl w no good reason to snoop might snoop anyway, and in ways you're not prepared for and might not anticipate.

 

Hypothetically, how would you feel if your partner pulled your credit report, unbeknownst to you?

[Mr. Lucky]

I've been in a relationship over 25 years and have never been tempted to snoop. Absolutely no need. We are very open with each other.

 

Agreed. My wife has all my passwords, so no need to snoop - she's invited. Pretty easy if you've nothing to hide.

 

Trust has different aspects, one of which is having enough faith in your partner that you're open to them. As an added bonus, makes all this other stuff irrelevant...

 

Mr. Lucky