Snooping on your Significant Other

[PrettyEmily77]

Thus the reason why the only common sensible equation remains:

 

IF there is only minute chance of the 'BS' finding out about the cheating, then you don't tell them, in order to spare their feelings, but IF there is a significant chance that the 'BS' could find out through other means, then you inform them first, to spare them having to learn through other channels.

 

You tell the BS as a matter of course, because you should. If they don't, this doesn't give the BS licence to snoop / find out through other means.

 

After a bit of research (and a lot of help from an intelligent source), unless you have millions to spare for a disputed divorce in court, that's not useful. Besides, if this ever goes to court, you're going to present a blameless character yourself on every front - unless you're a saint, that's unlikely to happen. Most things collected as a result of snooping are not admissible in court anyway, from what I understand. So on that score, the snooping is almost counterproductive.

 

If you decide to stay with your WS anyway, you are essentially accepting the idea that cheating isn't a deal breaker to you (which is totally fine and highly dependent on your circumstances), so why snoop at all?

 

For 'peace of mind'? You most likely won't get it from 'proof' (endless evidence on that forum alone) - unless they have volunteered it themselves (and even then), full disclosure after a snooping discovery is still at the will of the WS. Given you suspect or know they are a liar at this point, their word is naturally going to be taken with extreme caution - so more snooping ahead, or at the very least a list of stuff the WS will have to abide by to 'prove' they've changed (ironically): all emails and phones passwords, full disclosure of comings and goings, etc. Not good.

 

If you've decided to leave your partner regardless, you want 'proof' so you can have the moral upper hand and a dose of revenge - that's a super dangerous game, given the manner in which you have just happened to 'come about' the evidence you need to confront your betraying partner with in the first place.

 

Also, very unfortunately, once you've snooped on one partner, it seems it's like a habit that you take, because you feel vindicated the first time round. The problem comes when you snoop on a faithful partner (my experience) - that spells very serious trouble ahead for your emotional stability and that of your new partner, who will find it a violation of their privacy (as I did) - rightly so, from my point of view.

 

I've been in relationships before that I thought would last forever; they didn't because if I live by the rules we both agreed upon at the start of the relationship and they don't, that's a very big issue for me. I know 'things happen', but mostly these things are a choice - you choose to cheat and you choose to snoop.

 

I choose to do neither; so far, even though I've made a series of very bad judgement calls, I (and plenty of others no doubt) have not found it a struggle to live by these choices.

Edited August 24, 2016 by PrettyEmily77
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[Weezy1973]

I actually don't understand snooping. I have nothing to hide therefore it's impossible for a significant other to snoop. They literally have access to everything. Because I trust them.

 

If they accuse me of something I didn't do, I would want to talk about it with them. Like an adult. I certainly wouldn't get bent out of shape about it.

[PrettyEmily77]

I actually don't understand snooping. I have nothing to hide therefore it's impossible for a significant other to snoop. They literally have access to everything. Because I trust them.

 

If they accuse me of something I didn't do, I would want to talk about it with them. Like an adult. I certainly wouldn't get bent out of shape about it.

 

If someone has convinced themselves you have done something you didn't do, there's no talking it about with them like an adult. Well, there is but it doesn't stop the snooping, regardless of how open and trusting you think you are. You end up in a never ending cycle of defending yourself of stuff you didn't do but can't prove because you didn't do them. It's soul destroying.

[lana-banana]

Eh, this is one of those things with a lot of vagaries and no real good answer that applies to all of them. For me personally, I live my life almost entirely 'open' - I don't hide my phone or lock email accounts etc. and I don't care if my ppl read that stuff - but I also respect personal privacy nonetheless and don't think anyone's entitled to just broadly intrude on it.

It's a matter of degrees too ....if a spouse/partner suspected their partner of something, looking at their call history on their unlocked phone would be a diff order of magnitude than pretexting their financial institution to get copies of credit card statements. Somewhere in there is a line that's just wrong when it gets crossed, no matter what. Pragmatism be damned ....ppl should be better than that, and someone acting crappy doesn't justify you acting crappier.

 

Jen nails it as usual. Snooping is similar to lying: it's always wrong, but it's not always unforgivable. It depends A) what motivated it B) if it's a common occurrence or an isolated incident and C) what you intended to find out.

 

I don't snoop. I don't think it's healthy or natural, and I'm not the jealous type. People shouldn't snoop regardless because it erodes trust. My boyfriend on the other hand is very jealous, but he's never snooped (that I know of!). I would never approve of it, but I'd have a very different reaction between "you said your ex-boyfriend emailed you, and you left your email open while you were in the shower..." and "you've been working late and not answering my calls as quickly, so I imaged your phone and logged into your Google Drive and saw you downloaded Signal. Who are you talking to, huh?"

[Toodaloo]

I'll share my worst snooping experience. We were going through a security audit at work. The standards for the audit had increased since the last one, so we had a lot of work to do. This involved many late night emails/texts that I could not share. My girlfriend at the time got suspicious. She would ask me "who was that" and I would always respond with "work".

 

She had an electronic key to my place, so she started coming over when I was at work. What she did while there, I don't fully know. She tried to log on to the computer I told her she could not use, but she couldn't get in. I didn't know about this until later when I checked system logs. I didn't find out about her snooping until I got called into the CISO's office one day at work. Apparently, she had tried to access my phone multiple times the night before. My phone is a company device and as a system administrator, I'm on "extra security". Too many failed login attempts on my phone sends a notification to the CISO. Basically, I found out about my girlfriend snooping on me from one of my superiors at work. It wasn't a proud moment for me.

 

After that news, I started looking into logs and found out about the visits to my house and the attempted access to my computer. Needless to say, I was incredibly disappointed and I ended the relationship.

 

Why on earth didn't you talk to her about it BEFORE it became a problem.

 

Answering "work" and nothing else is just... Well it screams "I am shagging half the county behind your back".

 

Why not explain the situation to her and tell her what was happening. If you had said as you did to us then I doubt there would have been such a problem.

[ManyDissapoint]

I enjoy high levels of trust in my relationships. I did snooping when my ex started behaving suspiciously after 2+ years. Before that I had zero trust issues and was never tempted to concern myself with her private communications.

 

I wasn't super concious of what I was feeling. But her actions had put me in an extremely insecure place, and hinted at cheating or similar. My snooping didn't reveal anything because she was exceedingly cautious. I decided to trust her again after all that, that's when the axe fell.

 

I don't feel bad about snooping at all.

[Weezy1973]

If someone has convinced themselves you have done something you didn't do, there's no talking it about with them like an adult. Well, there is but it doesn't stop the snooping, regardless of how open and trusting you think you are. You end up in a never ending cycle of defending yourself of stuff you didn't do but can't prove because you didn't do them. It's soul destroying.

 

I actually wouldn't end up in a never ending cycle like that. I'd talk to them about it, like I have anytime jealousy issues have arisen, which can happen even in the best if relationships. I'd see if I was indeed doing anything that might cause then to feel insecure in the relationship. If it's clear that the jealous delusions stem from mental illness or past relationship trauma, I'd suggest they try professional help, and if they refuse or the accusations don't stop I'd end the relationship. No need to have my soul destroyed.

[Toodaloo]

I enjoy high levels of trust in my relationships. I did snooping when my ex started behaving suspiciously after 2+ years. Before that I had zero trust issues and was never tempted to concern myself with her private communications.

 

I wasn't super concious of what I was feeling. But her actions had put me in an extremely insecure place, and hinted at cheating or similar. My snooping didn't reveal anything because she was exceedingly cautious. I decided to trust her again after all that, that's when the axe fell.

 

I don't feel bad about snooping at all.

 

This is the thing. "Normal" people who are communicating well with their partners do not need to snoop. They feel safe, secure and loved.

 

People who do not feel those things go looking so if a partner of mine went looking I would be looking for the reason and why they felt so insecure. Is it my actions? Or are they just really insecure generally...? If they are normally secure and happy, if I am still 100% invested in the relationship and not messing about, then I am doing something very wrong for them to feel like they need to snoop.

[PrettyEmily77]

I actually wouldn't end up in a never ending cycle like that. I'd talk to them about it, like I have anytime jealousy issues have arisen, which can happen even in the best if relationships. I'd see if I was indeed doing anything that might cause then to feel insecure in the relationship. If it's clear that the jealous delusions stem from mental illness or past relationship trauma, I'd suggest they try professional help, and if they refuse or the accusations don't stop I'd end the relationship. No need to have my soul destroyed.

 

Well you're a stronger person than I was at the time - good for you.

 

I did all the above - you might not know this because it seems it's all theory to you (lucky you!), but it actually takes months to get to a stage where you feel you have exhausted all other avenues, because, you know, some of us actually care about the wellbeing of their partner and naively assume it's reciprocated.

 

That's what I did eventually and yeah, lesson learnt; both soul and people-picker in general now functioning better than ever.

 

But that doesn't excuse the snooping, which is the subject of the OP.

[Shining One]

Why on earth didn't you talk to her about it BEFORE it became a problem.

 

Answering "work" and nothing else is just... Well it screams "I am shagging half the county behind your back".

 

Why not explain the situation to her and tell her what was happening. If you had said as you did to us then I doubt there would have been such a problem.

I did explain the situation as it started. I told her we were going through a specific yearly security audit that had increased standards from the previous year. She still kept asking me who was texting me late a night while we were hanging out in bed. I didn't realize it had become a problem until after I had found out about the snooping. Heck, if she had given voice to her concern (before snooping), I could have asked my coworkers, boss, or even the CISO to explain the situation to her.

 

I generally have very good communication with my partners. I don't keep secrets outside of confidential information. I've been through two of these same audits with my current girlfriend that also involved late night communications. She has never tried to access the computer I told her not to, shown up to my house when I'm not there, or tried to access my phone.

[PrettyEmily77]

I did explain the situation as it started. I told her we were going through a specific yearly security audit that had increased standards from the previous year. She still kept asking me who was texting me late a night while we were hanging out in bed. I didn't realize it had become a problem until after I had found out about the snooping. Heck, if she had given voice to her concern (before snooping), I could have asked my coworkers, boss, or even the CISO to explain the situation to her.

 

I generally have very good communication with my partners. I don't keep secrets outside of confidential information. I've been through two of these same audits with my current girlfriend that also involved late night communications. She has never tried to access the computer I told her not to, shown up to my house when I'm not there, or tried to access my phone.

 

The number of people on this thread who condone snooping in general or some level of snooping (presumably because they did it themselves and are justifying their own actions) is just astounding.

 

Snooping is snooping is snooping - there's no degree to it, none of it is ok. Some people have a moral code with goalposts that they adapt to their convenience but won't give others the same courtesy. Double standards to justify one wrong with another wrong because it's less of a wrong to them. Weird stuff.

[elaine567]

Snooping if you have serious concerns about what your partner is really up to, is necessary and sensible.

 

If your business partner was acting a bit suspiciously, no-one would suggest you put your head in the sand and ignore it as you need to be able to trust them, or that you should walk away completely without a shred of hard evidence.

 

We all know people lie, we all know that cheaters lie, so all this "talking it out" doesn't usually work as the first rule in the cheaters handbook is to deny, deny, deny.

Most need some sort of hard evidence before they can confront a cheater and "talk it out" and it is usually some sort of snooping whether accidental or deliberate that confirms the cheater's guilt.

 

Of course there are some people who can never trust anyone and they are continually snooping and trying to control their SO - they let their jealousy and insecurity run away with them. No-one is going to defend or condone that sort of situation, but for honest, stable people who feel they are being somewhat duped, then of course they can't just sit around and assume all is hunky dory... and with 3 kids and a shared business, walking away without hard evidence is not a sensible course of action, is it?

 

Snooping and hiring a PI (if necessary) is all about self preservation.

No-one wants to throw in the towel over nothing, most want to be doubly sure of the facts, before they take any drastic action.

[Toodaloo]

I did explain the situation as it started. I told her we were going through a specific yearly security audit that had increased standards from the previous year. She still kept asking me who was texting me late a night while we were hanging out in bed. I didn't realize it had become a problem until after I had found out about the snooping. Heck, if she had given voice to her concern (before snooping), I could have asked my coworkers, boss, or even the CISO to explain the situation to her.

 

I generally have very good communication with my partners. I don't keep secrets outside of confidential information. I've been through two of these same audits with my current girlfriend that also involved late night communications. She has never tried to access the computer I told her not to, shown up to my house when I'm not there, or tried to access my phone.

 

There is a big difference between

 

"Who is that?"

"Work"

 

and

 

"Who is that?"

"Work again - its that damned audit I told you about, hope it ends soon as its really dragging on now."

 

or

"Work again, flipping audit, give me five and then I am going to ravish you senseless"

 

or

"That audit causing problems again... give me a sec to pass on the info then I could use a hug as this is getting on my nerves now"

 

or

"Security check on that audit I told you about. Getting really tedious now"

 

or

"Work again. getting very dull now"

 

She probably didn't raise her concerns about you having an affair because, shock horror, the scrotbags that have affairs lie 99.99% of the time! So if you were having an affair chances are you would lie about it anyway!

 

The examples I gave are probably the sort of things that you are saying to your current beau. Either that or she is so disinterested that she doesn't care if you are sleeping about. I don't know I am not in your relationship.

 

All I can say is that when guys stop communicating and get a whole heap of late night texts/ phone calls etc... it doesn't bode well. At all.

 

When I discovered an ex had been shagging about (quite innocently) he saw me read the proof, he was the bloody idiot that inadvertently showed me and you know what he said? "Oh I am not sleeping with them, I am not cheating on you". Dude, they don't seem to think that! Yes there was more than one... I lost the will to read on at four...

[Shining One]

She probably didn't raise her concerns about you having an affair because, shock horror, the scrotbags that have affairs lie 99.99% of the time! So if you were having an affair chances are you would lie about it anyway!

I could have provided evidence that would have addressed her concerns. I wouldn't have enjoyed "proving my innocence", but I have no problem doing so if asked.

The examples I gave are probably the sort of things that you are saying to your current beau. Either that or she is so disinterested that she doesn't care if you are sleeping about. I don't know I am not in your relationship.

Have you considered that my current girlfriend doesn't have an unhealthy sense of paranoia? I still answer "work" when I get late night work communications. She also met my boss's and coworkers' wives/girlfriends between the two audits, so that may have addressed some concerns (if any). However, she still went through one full audit without snooping.

All I can say is that when guys stop communicating and get a whole heap of late night texts/ phone calls etc... it doesn't bode well. At all.

I didn't stop communicating. When I didn't have a work item that needed my attention, I was talking to her.

When I discovered an ex had been shagging about (quite innocently) he saw me read the proof, he was the bloody idiot that inadvertently showed me and you know what he said? "Oh I am not sleeping with them, I am not cheating on you". Dude, they don't seem to think that! Yes there was more than one... I lost the will to read on at four...

I've been cheated on too. That does not excuse me punishing a current girlfriend for the crimes of a past girlfriend.

[Toodaloo]

I am not punishing anyone for the wrong doings of anyone else. With my ex I believed he was going on all those boy weekends and nights out with the lads. I still encourage new beau's to do the same because I believe that it is important to retain ones identity in a relationship.

 

What I am saying is that when people get paranoid for no apparent reason there usually is a reason.

 

I would suggest that your previous relationship was already on the rocks, that the pair of you were not communicating as well as you are with your new beau and that the audit and lack of communication just lead to her suspecting the worst.

 

I know its harder when you have to keep things confidential for work but an open book policy where possible is always the best way. Even if it is "I just ate your last chocolate bar"...

[PrettyEmily77]

hiring a PI (if necessary) is all about self preservation.

 

Well, snooping is a drastic action! I have so much more respect for someone hiring a PI right away, because that too me means business; I'm sure it costs money but at least, that's got some legal value.

 

Blurring the lines of what is appropriate or not to rationalise your actions are not good, to me - definitely not a trait I'd personally look for in a potential partner anyway.

[PrettyEmily77]

.

 

What I am saying is that when people get paranoid for no apparent reason there usually is a reason.

 

Toodaloo, you are lovely but the bolded is actually offensive. Unless you lived it, you don't know - it's just as simple as that. Sometimes, the reason is because they are fueled by their own paranoia; that's it.

[MJJean]

In a dating relationship, whatever it is, it's not really your business. If the other party is acting shady, end it.

 

In a long term commited relationship involving entangled lives, shared assets, maybe even a child or two, I think snooping is justified if a partner is acting "off".

 

Cheaters lie. So do those that abuse drugs, squander assets, embezzle, and so on. Considering how very much an innocent party can be affected by the actions of their partner, it's foolish NOT to snoop in the face of behavior that any reasonable person would find suspicious.

 

In a marriage, I don't believe it's even possible to snoop. Two become one and all that.

 

No double standard here. DH is free to read my journal, Facebook, emails, forums posts, text messages, etc. If he wants to take a look at my browsing history or use my phone, laptop, or tablet, he can have at it. We're mates. I have nothing to hide from him.

[BluEyeL]

The number of people on this thread who condone snooping in general or some level of snooping (presumably because they did it themselves and are justifying their own actions) is just astounding.

 

Snooping is snooping is snooping - there's no degree to it, none of it is ok. Some people have a moral code with goalposts that they adapt to their convenience but won't give others the same courtesy. Double standards to justify one wrong with another wrong because it's less of a wrong to them. Weird stuff.

I'm sorry but there is no black and white. As people who snooped are biased so are you because you've been snooped on while being innocent. Unless you were guilty and rationalize it by saying that the snooping parter was worse for snooping than you were for cheating.

 

There are situations when having proof can help someone avoid dangerous situations or life disruptive ones for themselves and sometimes for children also. Some situations are more serious than two childless people just dating and snooping on each other because they are crazy and lack boundaries. Even in murder cases there is self defense, which absolves the criminal. there is not just murder in the first degree and nobody says murder is murder is murder and of someone was threatening you oh well

[PrettyEmily77]

I'm sorry but there is no black and white. As people who snooped are biased so are you because you've been snooped on while being innocent. Unless you were guilty and rationalize it by saying that the snooping parter was worse for snooping than you were for cheating.

 

There are situations when having proof can help someone avoid dangerous situations or life disruptive ones for themselves and sometimes for children also. Some situations are more serious than two childless people just dating and snooping on each other because they are crazy and lack boundaries. Even in murder cases there is self defense, which absolves the criminal. there is not just murder in the first degree and nobody says murder is murder is murder and of someone was threatening you oh well

 

Actually, there is black and white on both snooping and cheating. I don't do either so I'm pretty comfortable not condoning either.

 

You don't know the amount of times I have been given the 'there's no smoke without fire' line. It makes me very sad every time I hear it, even if it's just being alluded to because that's exactly what I have had to fight against. That was the worst part. That and the snooping. I won't bother with the details because I can tell it won't help, but the feeling you are constantly watched, that all your words and actions are being monitored for a potential trip up is really awful.

 

Imagine me saying to you that your ex must have had good reason for cheating on you - you must have done something that lead him to it. Not cool.

 

So yes, I have massive issues with snooping and I'm sorry you had a cheating ex but no, that still doesn't excuse snooping, to me.

Edited August 25, 2016 by PrettyEmily77

[understand50]

All,

 

There is no hard and fast rules. Snooping, just to snoop is wrong, but snooping because you fear something, is another thing. Generally, my wife and I are open books to each other, so what is to hide?

 

After some type of cheating, being transparent to each other can rebuild trust, so is that snooping, or just a response? Our big crisis was the wife over spending by 100s of thousand dollars, so we audit each other, and I ask where the money is going. I also respond to her questions. Again, I do not think this is snooping, but a response to past actions. OBTW, we each have some funds we do not have to account to each other, past the beginning amount of cash we allow ourselves each month.

 

Snooping denotes lack of trust, or just a lack of boundaries by one or the other. There is a happy balance, but I think it is for each couple find and for what works in their particular situation.

 

Of course I am talking about a marriage. I have only had one girlfriend, and she has been my wife for 40 plus years, so the whole dating thing, is puzzling to me. I know that when the health and safety of my kids were concerned, especially when they were teenagers, I snooped, kept an eye on them, while trying to let them have as much privacy as possible. My kids are doing the same to my grandkids, so maybe I hit the right degree there. Who knows.

 

My two cents.

[No_Go]

Woooooow I'm so shocked by this story - after you went through hell to arrange him a job... He was banding chicks behind your back, just wow.

 

Btw academia in my experience is rough for couples. If one gets successful, the couples split because of envy. If both get successful - they split because of distance (e.g. professorships or postdocs in different universities). If they stay same level - same university - couples get codependent (basically being each others only person that 'understands' them). And it is triple harder for women hitting their most important years in academia in the peak of their fertile age... I still miss this life with my whole heart but don't miss the 'romantic' aspect of it...

 

 

I am against snooping in general. i wouldn't like to be snooped on by a SO because I know I'm innocent of any wrongdoing, I would never ever cheat, even emotionally, and snooping when I am not guilty seems like a very unfair accusation to me and a personal attack.

 

However, I did snoop on my ex-husband and that snooping was what precipitated the divorce and prevented me from making a huge mistake looking ahead. Here's what happened.

 

My ex-husband went abroad for a year for his job. I was peacefully waiting for him at home, talking on the phone etc. Until a cell phone bill of $500 came to my house (no unlimited plan back then, and he was talking from abroad anyway) and when I looked at the bill he was talking for hours with the same number. I did reverse search and found out it was a female colleague from here back home, a girl 10 years younger than me. I asked him about it and he said she was going through a divorce and he was just helping her out emotionally. I didn't like it but let it go.

 

Fast forward a couple of months he comes home for a visit. usually we called each other when we landed at the airport, he didn't call me. I called him multiple times, he never picked up. Something was wrong. Came home and it was all awkward. i took a week off work to spend time with him since we were long distance. I ended up spending that week home alone. He wasn't coming home during the day and showing up at night after midnight. I was sitting around like an idiot wondering where he was. He behaved weird. he was hostile to me.

 

I am a professor and he wanted to be one too, but had a hard time finding a position. I was donig great at my job, having had some big successes and we discussed for me to go on the job market and present myself as a "package deal" and have him hired as well at another university. This is usually done in academia, but if you are already hired the current institution usually doesn't hire your husband or wife, and you need to negociate a trailing spouse job when negotiating an offer, so you need to move usually. I couldn't negotiate where I was becuase when I got the job he hadn't finished his degree yet, so he couldn't be hired as a professor, he was hired as a researcher. And then they wouldn't give him a professor job after the fact. I was willing to do the move and the two body package deal, although that would have meant starting the tenure clock again and losing some things. But hey, it was for us.

 

So I applied and I had 6 interviews lined up, so I can get him a job also. When he came visit and he ignored me (and our kid), I figured he was actually meeting with that woman and I was stupid to think he came home to visit us, he came home to visit with her. The last day he was here I had to go to my first of 6 interviews to see if I can negotiate a job for him. I was scared. What if I moved to Rutgers (one of the schools interested in me) in New Jersey, get him a job there and he screws women behind my back and dumps me anyway? Then I'm left a single mom at 40 in an expensive state and maybe I won't get tenure also, because I have no idea how things would go there.

 

So that morning I snooped. I looked at his email. He was writing romantic messages back and forth to that woman. I decided then and there that I'm not going to be a dummy. I cancelled all my interviews and told him he's on his own. He got mad. We filed for divorce. We made up after the divorce, in another LDR, but he continued to go with women and he actually ended up telling me about one without me snooping, which meant the real real real final, when I broke it off for good.

 

He had a history of cheating. When i was abroad myself for 5 months, years before this incident, upon my return a male friend called me to meet so he can tell me how my husband propositioned to his wife. I considered that it was my fault for going on that work trip but there were various incidents after that when I thought he was a cheater, but didn't snoop. In the end I had to and I'm glad I did.

[Toodaloo]

Toodaloo, you are lovely but the bolded is actually offensive. Unless you lived it, you don't know - it's just as simple as that. Sometimes, the reason is because they are fueled by their own paranoia; that's it.

 

Thank for the compliment but you haven't smelt my farts after a curry

 

You are also kinda making my point though...

 

Healthy people in healthy relationships don't snoop, because they are confident and happy. They see no need for it.

 

So snooping, the wish to snoop or being snooped on are ALL signs that something is hideously off. I am merely pointing out to Shining that there could have been a cause and I can see one blatantly glaring at me... lack of communication or mismatched communication.

 

The ONLY times I have ever snooped I have found something incriminating. The ONLY times I have ever wanted to snoop is because something is seriously off.

 

Was it a good thing to do?

Yes, because I prevented myself from getting an STD

No, because actually I shouldn't have had to or feel the need to or still have been in that relationship anyway if he was going to go off with other women!

 

So the whole subject is double edged.

 

When I caught the last ex out I wasn't snooping at all. We were sitting in bed, he showed me a funny email and I commented that it was funny then hit the back button to take him back to where he was so he could carry on with what he was doing. What made me look was I caught a glimpse of words that are not permitted on this forum, I can speed read so after reading what he had been up to I didn't want to see more, hit the back button again, another message from another woman and she was talking about parts of his body he hates and how she loves doing things to them, again didn't want to read it, hit the back button... nice little picture of a vagina and another name and more what we did in your van type message... It was very clear that these messages were from women that knew him intimately.

 

I was dumb though and "forgave him"... Should never have done that.

 

Its like the old conundrum. Stealing is wrong, but if a poor man steals because its the only way to feed his family is that still wrong or should he let his children starve?

[Toodaloo]

Until you have been snooped upon for no reason or justification aside from unhinged paranoia, you won't understand the effect it can have to an open, loyal person.

 

Just sayin'.

 

I am going to quote you here, not to get at you but to push forward the point that when snooping in involved there are further issues.

 

Perhaps one person is screwing around.

Perhaps one person is basically mentally unhinged in some way.

 

But its a sure sign that something is wrong... very wrong.

 

Each time I have snooped I have felt bad in the past. These days I don't. Because I know if I feel the need its invariably for a reason because I know I am sound of mind and it is not something I generally do...

[BluEyeL]

Actually, there is black and white on both snooping and cheating. I don't do either so I'm pretty comfortable not condoning either.

 

You don't know the amount of times I have been given the 'there's no smoke without fire' line. It makes me very sad every time I hear it, even if it's just being alluded to because that's exactly what I have had to fight against. That was the worst part. That and the snooping. I won't bother with the details because I can tell it won't help, but the feeling you are constantly watched, that all your words and actions are being monitored for a potential trip up is really awful.

 

Imagine me saying to you that your ex must have had good reason for cheating on you - you must have done something that lead him to it. Not cool.

 

So yes, I have massive issues with snooping and I'm sorry you had a cheating ex but no, that still doesn't excuse snooping, to me.

It's never black or white.