I'm still in love with my ex; Is he over me? PLEASE ADVISE!!!!

[TargetGirl]

I am a 21 year old female. My (now) exboyfriend and I met at work, he was one of my managers before he lost his job. He is a 31 year old single father of a 2 year old boy. We began hanging out and soon were the best of friends. One of the first things that attracted me to him was the fact that I could talk to him about ANYTHING, all night...without any weirdness or fear. We were hanging out everynight until 3 or 4 am, and then kinda flirting at work everyday. I never thought anything would actually happen until one night I was at his apartment and he asked me to kiss him.

 

We began our relationship in October, (after he was no longer employeed at my job) we were together as much as possible. To me it was perfect. We talked about everything, he knows me as well as I know him. We were cautious to a point because we had both been out of really horrible relationships for a while and were in NO rush to get our hearts broken again. Everything was done slowly. We waited about 6 weeks before we had sex, we decided to wait about a month before i had any contact with his young son. And it was at least maybe a week or two before we let all of our mutual friends now what was up. We had both talked about the fact that our relationship was a surprise and that our feeling for each other were growing quite rapidly. About a month into our relationship he asked me to sleep over, and we bagan spending nights in the same bed, and waking up together every morning. I finally told my family I was dating someone and he spent Christmas with us. A few weeks after that he wanted me to met his family, so we spent a weekend together out of state visiting his mom. We were practically living together and he had brought up the idea of getting our own place, so that we could spend every night together and we could concentrate on us.

 

He told me that he cared about me more then he should for such a short time. He told me that we were going to be together for awhile, that I wasn't going anywhere, that I was who he wanted. He informed me one night that I was turning into a "little mother". I love his son so much, I grew very attached, and fell in love with both of them. He scared me one night by tell me that " I was gonna screw up the relationship, that he was gonna end up hurt". ( WHich obviously I had no intention of doing considering I could see growing old with him) His attention and affection toward me was something Ive never experienced from a man before, he would call me and tell me he missed me an hour after I left him. He would wait for my car to start everynight I couldn't stay with him, he made gifts of paper clips, and food bank bears ( I know it sounds corny, but they were sweet gestures) He did everything he didn't like because I did. He never liked going to the movies, he took me every chance he got. He never liked to hold hands, every where we went he would grab my hand. He hung out with my sister and reconciled a friend of mine and me. He taught my grandmother to use her "new-fangled" remote control. I was never scared of getting pregnant, because..."it wouldn't be so bad...".

 

I sat with this man while he unemployeed for a month, I insistedon him using my cell phone when he didn't have a phone. When he got a new job, he took a large pay cut, and he couldn't afford to take me out, he couldn't afford groceries. Im not rich by anymeans, so I took us out and I bought us groceries. (After long drawn out conversations about how it was hard for him to ask for help.) We talked for alomost 4 hours until he finally agreed to let my by his son christmas presents from Santa. None of these things I mind. Money isn't everything. I never paid his bills, I simply helped him out because I am in love with him, I don't regret any of it.

 

It was about 6 months into our relationship I came home, and he sat me down and said "if you don't break up with me, Im gonna break up with you"....OUt of no where. I told him I wasnt gonna break up with him. He began laying out excuses. He told me he couldn't ask me to sit in a crappy apartment everynight with him his son and his roommate, he told me that I should be out doing "21 year old things", he told me that he felt like he was keeping me from what I wanted to do. He also told me that his feeling for me had become stationary, they had plateaued and were now gone. He didn't look at me the same anymore, and wasn't has excited to see me every day. I was shocked...I had noticed a change in his sleeping patterns ( he wasn't sleeping at ALL) and have know about his depression since we've known each other. I was so upset that I just left. ( but not before throwing a slight hissy fit involving giving everything of his that I had on me and in my car BACK)....

 

We talked a few days later, he told me that he was happy with his decision because he felt like he was dragging me down. He also insisted upon the fact that "I had no idea how much he cared about me" and that he "needed me in his life" We could still hang out, I could see the child I had grown so attached to and that he still wanted to talk. About work , movies, and about the guys that I would inevitably be dating. I declined telling him that it will be too hard, because I was in love with him. He got angry and told me that he doesn't regret anything, I was never a booty call, he didn't use me, he wanted me and him to be together, but that we didn't have a future. I agreed that I would try to be his friend because I needed him in my life. Hes the one person that knows ME. We talked for about 2 weeks, and had 2 "dates" set up both of which he backed out of. After 2 weeks I got an email saying how depressed he was and that he gotten more suicidal, and "the air he breaths isn't worth the life he leads" and that I can do better and be better.

 

We've been broken up for almost 4 months. He won't call me, he won't answer my calls, or emails or text messages. I went to the apartment and he wouldn't come home. His friends wont talk to me, and Im running out of options. How can he just cut me out of his life after he got mad at me for wanting to do the same? Did he ever love me? Does he still love me? Is it possible that the flame just went out and I should give up? Ive tried dating other guys but they're not measuring up. Why won't he talk to me? If he's over me then shouldn't we be able to be friends? He's very stubborn, so Idon't know if he'll admit to making such amistake. Ive asked him repeatedly to tell me to leave him alone, that he doesn't want anything to do with me. But he hasn't. We have a mutual firend that talks to both of us. He told her hes gotten all my emails, all of my text messages, and phone messages, and he read the letter I wrote to him. Im 200% postitve that he didn't cheat on me, and I know that he's not dating anyone else. He told her that he goes to work and then comes home and tries to sleep, he can't even afford gas in his car. What do I do? I love this man and his son, and feel in my heart that something is wrong and that we're supposed to be together. Is he just depressed and pushing me away for my own good? Is he over me and doesn't want to deal with it anymore. I dunno what to do....

[Zaira]

If you believe this man is genuine in his feelings for you, then all I can say is he needs professional help. Emotional counselling and maybe even some financial counselling too. If you can't get through to him, maybe his friends can. If not, then you are just going to have to let him be and get on with your own life. You can not live his life for him I do feel for you though.

[Candy Cane]

Hi TargetGirl,

 

I've done some reading on relationships lately. What I've learned is that when someone pushes you away...say two feet...you should back away four. There are good reasons for this if you really think about it.

 

Sometimes people just need some breathing room and they want to know that they can get it if they ask for it. Also, when you back away from someone, they start to appreciate you. They think, "Humm...maybe she doesn't need me." And that scares them...especially if they have become emotionally dependant upon you...which I think this guy has on you.

 

I recommend that you read the book "Love Tactics" and that you back away. Don't call, don't email...don't anything. Let him wonder what's up. Let him come to you. Your chasing him hasn't worked, so far, so you have nothing to lose at this point anyway. You can't force him.

 

I think it's important for you to know that if you let him go that he will come back on his own. If this doesn't happen, you will never feel secure in your relationship with him.

 

My best advice to you is to smile, be happy, and to focus on your own life and to forget about his. If you start to think about him, catch yourself and put him out of your mind. Think about the things you have in your life that make you happy. Go out on other dates. Consider your options. Get on with your life.

 

I wish you the very best of luck.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by Candy Cane

I've done some reading on relationships lately. What I've learned is that when someone pushes you away...say two feet...you should back away four. There are good reasons for this if you really think about it.

 

Excellent advice.

 

Frankly, I think there's something wrong with this guy. Trust me, I've dated a couple of girls like this in my time. One of the relationship books I've been reading talks about candy machines. You put a quarter in one, turn the handle, no candy. You try again. Still nothing. You try again. After a couple of goes, you realise the machine is broken. You don't need to know how, but you accept it and move on.

 

The same is true of some people. You can put in love, devotion and commitment. Yet in the long run you get nothing back. And no-one ever will. Maybe it's their childhood, their circumstances, their experiences. But they are broken relationally.

 

From his comments it sounds like you're the catch, not him. Move on girl.

[TargetGirl]

OK good guys...more advice please. He won't talk to me and his friends won't talk to me. One of them even told one of my girlfriends, that they " didn't like the way he was handling me"? What does that mean? Was there anything here in the first place...am I wrong for not wanting to give up on someone I feel so strongly for? Is he just depressed and pushing me away "for my own good"? If he's over me and really doesn't care anymore about me as a girlfriend then shouldn't we be able to be friends....????

 

 

He's actually driving me crazy. Ignoring someone takes alot of energy so obviously there's some feeling, right? Not all guys take you to meet their families, not all guys will leave you alone in their apartments all day. and remember that you hate mayo....they won't accept the fact that your lazy, or let you be near their children, or even want you to just sleep with them every night...or hell put up with your love of Ben Afflect and Nicholas Cage. Is this something all guys do??? Don't these things mean anything??? He asked me to live with him. Is it possible that the spark just went as fast as it came and I just can't see it???

 

 

Someone please ADVISE~

[ggallin13]

Originally posted by TargetGirl

OK good guys...more advice please. He won't talk to me and his friends won't talk to me. One of them even told one of my girlfriends, that they " didn't like the way he was handling me"? What does that mean? Was there anything here in the first place...am I wrong for not wanting to give up on someone I feel so strongly for? Is he just depressed and pushing me away "for my own good"? If he's over me and really doesn't care anymore about me as a girlfriend then shouldn't we be able to be friends....????

 

From what you have said, you should get as far away from him as possible. I agree that he needs counseling or something. If you stick around or force it, you will, too. Yes, you are wrong for not wanting to give up on him. Your strong feelings are misplaced.

 

He's actually driving me crazy. Ignoring someone takes alot of energy so obviously there's some feeling, right?

 

It doesn't take all that much energy. Especially if you don't care.

 

Not all guys take you to meet their families, not all guys will leave you alone in their apartments all day. and remember that you hate mayo....they won't accept the fact that your lazy, or let you be near their children, or even want you to just sleep with them every night...or hell put up with your love of Ben Afflect and Nicholas Cage. Is this something all guys do??? Don't these things mean anything??? He asked me to live with him. Is it possible that the spark just went as fast as it came and I just can't see it???

 

The guy has some serious issues, for sure. What it all means is that he did all of the things that made you feel emotionally close to him and feel for him, and then he cut it off. Either because of his inntimacy issues or just because subconciously he needs to do that to women. There are people out there that have been hurt once and they go around the rest of their lives hurting people to get back at their ex. Sounds like he may be one of them.

[Leah]

Target Girl -

 

I think you've gotten some excellent advice in the above posts but I dont think you're listening.

 

This may be a tragic event unfolding in your life, but it's surely not going to be the last one you suffer. For whatever reason, the man does not want to continue on with you in this relationship and I'm beginning to suspect that it may not be solely because of his financial situation.

 

I will add to the above with three additional pieces of advice :

 

1. E-mail or text this man and tell him that you are now ready to respect his wishes and quit. Tell him that you will contact him occasionally (at least for awhile), just to see if his thinking / situation has changed, then leave him alone and send, perhaps, one email every three weeks .. just telling him that you want to follow up as you told him you would.

 

Repeat the scenario two, MAYBE three times, If he still doesnt reply and you've given him the space he's requested, then you can bet he's finished with the relationship.

 

2. You mention you've been out with other guys but you "just dont find them interesting". Well, it may have been too soon for you to even try dating new guys so I think I might give that a little time and perhaps try spending more constructive time with your own friends or trying to make new ones. Eventually you'll begin to forget your situation and that's when you can begin to get your enthusiasm back for dating.

 

3. Finally, I love the candy machine analogy and it's a funny thing about candy machines because the reverse case can also be true. If you put someone in a room full of candy machines that give out candy at will, there's really no incentive to stand extracting candy from one when you can go about to all of them, picking and chosing at will.

 

In other words, I think I'd be for getting to know people much better before I start getting too involved, either emotionally or sexually ... try to find someone with whom you have shared commonalities then progress (slowly) from there.

 

Good luck to you ,Target.