Opening Up Our Marriage

[oldshirt]

Continued from above........I got called away and couldn't finish.

 

 

 

-and the other is reach some kind of "agreement" with your partner to have matings with other people, but with the knowledge and consent of the other. Ie open marriage, swinging and polyamory/polygamy/polyandry.

 

Each has their pros and cons and each has their risks and benefits.

 

.

 

The point I was trying to make earlier in the thread is that not all open marriage activities are created equal and some IMHO have a much greater risk of blowing everything to smithereens.

 

IMHO if a couple plays together and explores together as a couple, they are able to get that extra fun and excitement and that higher level of eroticism together as a couple and are less likely to detach from each other and attach to someone else.

 

In scenarios such as the one being discussed by the OP where one person is going off by themselves to indulge with another person on their own, the chances are astronomically greater that they will attach to that person and their attachment to their spouse will be harmed.

 

It kind of comes down to the hormone rush and chemistry I was talking about earlier. If your spouse is there with you and is an integral part of that experience, then they are still a part of your sexual experience and excitement and pleasure. It is something that you share together as a couple.

 

When one person goes off and gets it on with another person on their own, their spouse is shut out of the experience and all the fun and excitement and bonding etc is between the two other people.

 

When that spouse comes home, then they are back to taking the dog for a walk and picking up prescription down at Walgreens and vacuuming out the car. All the while they are back to their regular household duties and activities, their mind is on the passion and excitement and lust that their had with the other person. Their spouse and home life is going to always fall short.

 

In time, even though it was technically consensual, all the negative dynamics that we experience in an affair start to come through such as the hypercriticism, the annoyances, the judgements, the short fuse, the petty irritations etc

 

Quickly the person having outside sexual activity begins to see the spouse as a hinderence and an obstacle to their fun and passion with their playmate. The quickly lose respect and desire and attraction for their spouse and they connect and attach to their playmate.

 

It's just a matter of time before all the rules and boundaries that were in place at the beginning start to break down and are broken.

 

Swinging/open marriage/polyamory etc is absolutely not for everyone and most people want nothing to do with it. In my experience and from my observations of many friends and acquaintences and playmates in the consensual nonmonogamy community, many couples can play together and stay together for a very long time.

 

However from what I have witnessed firsthand is when the female half starts playing on her own one-on-one with an outside lover whilst her husband stays home, you can almost count the days before there is a complete breakdown.

 

(it can certainly happen with the husband playing on his own as well, but that is not as fast or as predictable)

 

The other scenario that I have warned against often here is the "Hotwife" scenario, but it doesn't sound like this has been brought up in this threat at all, so I won't talk about that.

[oldshirt]

and like others have already mentioned here, I too believe that she has already been with this OM and that this is a ploy to further develop the relationship with him under the OP's nose.

 

She is basically test driving him to see if he will be the OP's replacement or not and she doesn't want the OP messing up that test drive until the results have been determined.

[oldshirt]

Not sure why people think the line should be drawn at her falling in love with this other dude. I mean, people have emotional affairs and full-blown affairs with others where they fall in love all the time, yet still never leave their marriage. I'm not saying this is right, but I get the sense that the OP probably wants to do the same thing (badly) and get that rush too, it's just that he doesn't want divorce at all and is scared of his wife maybe divorcing him. It doesn't have to be that way though, if his wife feels the same about not divorcing, then they can both pretty much do whatever they want with other people (within their own set boundaries ofc) and not worry about it. They need to gauge each others desire to STAY MARRIED.

 

The thing is that there is more at stake here than her simply leaving him for the OM.

 

People can choose not to divorce if they don't want to go through that hassle and expense. There are other very negative effects that can occur with this kind of thing than someone simply packing their bags and leaving.

 

What is often at risk in these situations is the transference of desire and attraction and respect and esteem etc etc from the spouse to the playpartner/OM.

 

I'm going to be sexist here, but many women have a very hard time loving and having passion and intimacy and good vibes with a lover and a spouse at the same time.

 

They may choose to remain married to the H and live in the same house and rear the children and pay bills etc together with the H, but their loving feelings and desire and passion and intimacy etc often goes to the lover on the side.

 

When that happens they often treat their H with disregard and disrespect and if they remain sexually active with him at all, it is often disconnected and awkward and mechanical and uncomfortable for everyone.

 

The relationship between the H and the W becomes tainted and toxic. When she loses respect and attraction for him, is when they become more like roommates.

 

If he isn't asking much of her and isn't trying to have a love and sexlife with her himself (ie such as if he has chickies on the side himself) then yes, they can coexist and coparent together for years without too much turmoil, but if he wants more than a roommate arrangement and more than an occasional episode of duty sex to shut him up, then the relationship can quickly turn toxic and dysfunctional with both of them being very frustrated and dissatisfied.

 

It is true that there are a lot of affairs and a lot of open marriages and a lot of "arrangements" out there taking place where people do not leave for the AP and divorce. In fact in most affairs and most swinging/open marriage arraingements, people do not leave their spouse for their AP/playmate. But that does not mean that the remaining marriage is happy and healthy.

 

So yes, people can be deeply connected to someone else and still remain married. But that doesn't mean that the leftover spouse is ok with it or is getting a fair end of the bargain.

[CarrieT]

OP, Oldshirt has given you the best insightful, salient, and comprehensive advise.

 

Please heed it and let us know how you two are doing.

[Popsicle]

and that makes a very miserable marriage.

 

I'm mostly just humoring these married folks, to be honest. I would never participate in such a thing if I were married. I think a marriage is already in a horrible state if one or both is even considering this. The rest is just semantics.

[Marc878]

Obviously the real cat is out of the bag concerning OM.

[DKT3]

I'm mostly just humoring these married folks, to be honest. I would never participate in such a thing if I were married. I think a marriage is already in a horrible state if one or both is even considering this. The rest is just semantics.

 

I don't think this is always true. That's like saying a short man and a tall woman can't have a good marriage because you like tall men.

 

It all depends on how the two view sex. I think a great number of people view sex as a fun healthy activity and don't need or have a emotional bond, and can separate the two. Two people like that can thrive in an open marriage. It allows open, honest communication.

 

Here, in this situation, I don't think his wife is honest heading in, so they are doomed to fail, if we are right about her intentions

[Leigh 87]

Swinging and open marriages only work if you are BOTH that way inclined to begin with.

 

I know a very happily married "open" couple. They are best friends, have passionate sex, been together 7 years, are married and have a baby...

She is bi and he loves her playing with other women both with and without him; she sends teasing pics when he is at work and she is getting dirty with another woman at home....

For her bday, he arranged/paid for a very hot model look alike, to meet her "accidentally" at her favourite hang out, and bang the crap out of her.... Her hubby got A LOT of pleasure from HER pleasure.

 

These are two people who believe that their own lives are MORE enhanced when they are not limited to the one person.

 

On the other hand, I once felt this way yet when it came to doing it, I was not able to - I knew he was not the One for me, I really did right from day one; I was comfortable WATCHING him have a 3 some WITH me. I was just not deeply in love enough with the guy to care when he did it WITH me present.

 

In theory it is all fine and dandy - I DO still believe we are not naturally monogamous and it is inbuilt through our upbringings and feelings we get towards people - we come to love someone so much and the idea of being betrayed and or/ the feeling of closeness that loyalty brings, is 'easy' for some couples to maintain.

 

I REALLY believed opening up THAT relationship would work. And it did for a time - until it felt like he "cheated" on me when he banged chicks behind my back.

 

I came to realise that I CANNOT care so deeply and in a romantic way - for men who go and bang other women. Even when the man is NOT the One for me, it STILL felt wrong.

 

Please never under estimate the power of love. She has been your woman for so long - when it comes down to doing it, are you absolutely SURE you will not me pacing the room, nervously fidgeting and bursting to suddenly text her and beg her NO - the day OF the deed?

 

How will you feel when the day comes?

 

VERY few couples are truly.. truly comfortable and optimally "happy" within a relationship when it is poly in nature.

 

She already wants out. You married too young and you did not grow together enough/ or you did not cultivate enough passion or spark. Some couples still have enough of a spark maintained in order to have somewhat passionate sex albeit more sporadically than the first year.