Opening Up Our Marriage

[User1234567]

My wife asked me about opening up our marriage a couple of weeks ago. We have been happily married for 25 years (since she was 17), so she's never been with another man (as an adult) and is interested to know if she's missing something sexually. I get it. We both see sex as just one part of a healthy relationship and to be quite honest ours has become humdrum at best (at least before we started discussing this LOL). We live in a suburb of a medium sized city and both agree that we don't want to try this with anyone or anyplace local. I know a lady a couple of hours away that I find sexually attractive and would like to pursue. However, she doesn't know anyone that she feels comfortable enough with to throw this out to, except a gentleman she met at a party in Vegas. He happens to live in Switzerland, she has spoke to him and they are going to meet in Dublin. We have discussed this lifestyle in great detail and I believe we've been extremely (even brutally) honest with each other. Although Im very excited about what this lifestyle can do for us, both individually and as a couple, I had some concerns about her "vacationing" with him. She understood and says she's only asking him to stay for a couple of days while she's there. We've never been the ones to wade in but is this bypassing the pool altogether and instead jumping in the ocean without a life jacket?

[JewelD]

This sounds like some bs just waiting to happen imo. Why do you have concerns with her vacationing with this man if you're going to open your marriage?

 

I also don't see how this would improve your sex life as a couple. Threesomes, okay, but you're just agreeing to go out and be satisfied by other people. If it was good, I imagine yall wouldn't want to do it with each other as much.

[standtall]

Kaboom! IMHO, That is what will happen to your marriage.

[Gloria25]

Don't "two" people make a "couple"?

 

So, to make a "couple" stronger, then we need to allow space for more people.

 

Ok, then we can't use the word "couple" anymore cuz there's more than one person in the picture.

 

Get my point?

[thefooloftheyear]

The only thing I see "opening up" is a can of worms or a can of whoop ass....

 

Either way, its probably not going to be good...

 

TFY

[SammySammy]

She's going to have sex with this guy. That's the bottom line.

 

She told you. You talked about it. You've given her tacit approval. The only question is how are you going to deal with it.

[CarrieT]

You are going to get a lot of advice and having been in an Open Marriage, I can tell you that yours is destined to fail.

 

Why? Because what she wants is permission to go have an affair. She has already met someone, is communicating with him, and has asked permission to go and have sex with him.

 

The Open Marriages that succeed usually involve 100% full disclosure and sharing; threesomes or at least the core partner meeting the other people involved. You have not been given this opportunity.

 

I hope you are prepared to lose your wife to this scenario, because if you deny her the "vacation" than she will accuse you of stifling her chance to experience something she never did because she married so young. You have opened a can of worms that will undoubtedly end in someone being extremely hurt and possibly divorced....

[Toodaloo]

Another vote for Kaboom here...

 

If you both do this then its the start of a very messy and painful end...

[PegNosePete]

I would bet my bottom dollar that she already had sex with this dude she met in Vegas, and is seeking "permission" retrospectively.

[BluesPower]

She has already screwed this guy. You are just playing into her hands.

 

 

You are going about all of this wrong. She has already cheated on you and you are buying into her BS.

 

 

And, she will lie about all of it. I think you may be done if you don't put a stop to the whole.

 

 

Now, I don't think that your relationship is strong enough to engage in any of this stuff, not that she cheated on you. If you let it continue your wife is gone, end of story.

[elaine567]

I agree this is a man she is having an affair with, it may already be physical, it may not have got that far, but she is involved with him and she is prepared to travel far to see him (I take it you live in Oklahoma City and the Dublin you mean is in Ireland.)

 

As she now has your permission to explore this further under the label of an "open marriage", then I guess she may not be your wife for very much longer.

[spiderowl]

Well you are opening up the marriage to either or both meeting other people and forming relationships with them. It is not going to be just about sex: it never is. How will you both cope with the other getting emotionally involved and attached to someone else? It sounds like you are both just waiting to jump into that.

 

Be prepared for your marriage to end and for the hurt that comes with one person finding someone else when the other hasn't.

[DKT3]

She has already screwed this guy. You are just playing into her hands.

 

 

You are going about all of this wrong. She has already cheated on you and you are buying into her BS.

 

 

And, she will lie about all of it. I think you may be done if you don't put a stop to the whole.

 

 

Now, I don't think that your relationship is strong enough to engage in any of this stuff, not that she cheated on you. If you let it continue your wife is gone, end of story.

I agree 100%, she has already been sleeping with this guy.

[jen1447]

Although Im very excited about what this lifestyle can do for us, both individually and as a couple, I had some concerns about her "vacationing" with him.

 

What concerns, specifically?

[aileD]

I think in a healthy solid relationship, swinging can bring excitement and spice up your marriage, maybe even bring you closer in certain ways (VERY solid marriages). Having another couple you are friends with who are also committed to each other that you can play with can be fun.

 

An "open" marriage where both people go off and have not just sexual bit EMOTIONAL relationships with other people is just a recipe for disaster and divorce. Because chances are you're both going to be having relationships with SINGLE men and women and those single men and women may emotionally bond with you and start to Want more.

 

If she wants to explore sexually, that's one thing. This doesn't sound like that.

[MissBee]

My wife asked me about opening up our marriage a couple of weeks ago. We have been happily married for 25 years (since she was 17), so she's never been with another man (as an adult) and is interested to know if she's missing something sexually. I get it. We both see sex as just one part of a healthy relationship and to be quite honest ours has become humdrum at best (at least before we started discussing this LOL). We live in a suburb of a medium sized city and both agree that we don't want to try this with anyone or anyplace local. I know a lady a couple of hours away that I find sexually attractive and would like to pursue. However, she doesn't know anyone that she feels comfortable enough with to throw this out to, except a gentleman she met at a party in Vegas. He happens to live in Switzerland, she has spoke to him and they are going to meet in Dublin. We have discussed this lifestyle in great detail and I believe we've been extremely (even brutally) honest with each other. Although Im very excited about what this lifestyle can do for us, both individually and as a couple, I had some concerns about her "vacationing" with him. She understood and says she's only asking him to stay for a couple of days while she's there. We've never been the ones to wade in but is this bypassing the pool altogether and instead jumping in the ocean without a life jacket?

 

That's for you to answer. None of us can really say. This is extremely personal and dependent on you and your relationship.

 

I haven't been in an open marriage scenario personally, but what I understand from folks who are in those situations, it is extremely important to be brutally honest and to also set the ground rules of what is permissible and not in your arrangement.

 

Other people cannot determine where to draw the line or what is too deep...you two do. It seems you have reservations about her vacationing with this man at the outset of your new arrangement. If so, voice it, hash it out and come to an agreement about what to do...what you shouldn't do though is grudgingly agree to stuff that you're not actually okay with, as so starts resentment and things potentially spiraling out of control (which is also something I've witnessed from a friend in that scenario).

[Lobe]

Are you concerned that she is going to fall in love with this man and not just have sex?

[road]

I would bet my bottom dollar that she already had sex with this dude she met in Vegas, and is seeking "permission" retrospectively.

 

 

She already has.

[Friskyone4u]

Your problem is not the guy in another country or the vacation. Your problem is that you really have no clue about what you are getting in to.

She is already involved with another man in some wa. She met him in a bar in Vegas and she already has vacation time lined up with him.

 

Now back to your problem after she returns. If he is in wherever he is, vacation or LDR is probably the only way she will continue to meet with him, probably infrequently. You problem is you are agreeing that when she gets back, the next boyfriend may be in your home town, and she may decide she like having sex with him two or three nights a week. Are you prepared for that??? You better figure that one out before you agree to anything, although it sounds like it is too late.

 

I suggest two books to you

(1). "More Than Two"

(2) "Opening Up"

 

Here is one of the first things you will find

WOMEN TOTALLY CONTROL NON MONOGAMY

 

Your wife can put a wedding band on all five fingers, walk into a bar, tell every man in there she is married but looking, and 95% of the men in there will want to have sex X with her and think it's great. No strings sex with a married woman.

Now you try the same trick and 95% of the woman in there will not give you the time of day.

 

So while you know some attractive woman somewhere she will have multiple opportunities to have other partners while you struggle. If you read those books you will see that and you will also see that it is unwise for the partner who initiates and pushes for the open marriage to have a head start.

 

Now if that is all fine with you no problem. But it sounds to me like she wants to have sex with other men, has one already picked out, and has fallen back on what now is a default position for women who do not want to cheat, namely "let's open our marriage".

 

You are about to enter an experiment that could very well end your relationship, which is fine if you go in with your eyes totally wide open and accept that.

 

So ask yourself what your reaction is going to be when she runs to meet this guy, spends days and nights with him while you are sitting at home, and co0mes back and tells you what a great time she had, and how she looks forward to meeting more partners. If that's OK, then let this fling happen and open your marriage.

 

You might want to go to a swingers club BEFORE she goes and see how you feel driving T home with her knowing she was just with some other man or men. That will be your future. If you can handle it you are home free. My guess is you might not be too thrilled because this was her initiative, not a mutual one.

 

Good luck

[Quiet Storm]

My husband and I have been together since I was 15. I don't want to fck other guys.

 

I know not all women are like me, and I shouldn't judge, but this is not a good sign for your marriage.

 

To me, marriage is JUST US. You should respect and protect your marriage. That bond comes first, before any curiosity or selfish desires.

 

I don't think your wife is respecting or protecting your marriage. She wants another guy, and is trying to go about it the "honest" way. Props to her for being honest (if she is being honest), rather than sneaking around.

 

But fhe bottom line is- she wants to be with other guys. Is that OK with you? That would never, ever in a million years be acceptable to my husband.

 

Is her curiosity worth sacrificing your values, your vows, your bond as a couple?

 

If you can be genuinely cool with this, maybe it'll work. But if its bothering you, state your feelings. Tell her this is unacceptable. Be strong, assertive and be true to yourself.

[User1234567]

Together we read all your opinions/suggestions and really appreciate you all taking the time to share your thoughts. We have a lot to digest!

[central]

We've had an open relationship for over 16 years, without any significant problems. Our relationship has always been very strong and stable, so our flings are just for fun. They have taught us some new skills that we've put to good use in the bedroom, and they've also shown us just how lucky we are to have each other, so in that way they've strengthened our commitment to each other. YMMV, but it has been very good for us.

[Friskyone4u]

User,

 

I suggest you read those books BEFORE making any decisions. And it matters NOT a Damm bit whether any of us have had poor or good success with open relationships. What matters is you.!

 

Understand, no matter how wonderful our friend Central has had it, the books will confirm for you by well qualified authors that you are about to embark on a journey that can end your relationship if NOT done correctly and with both of you in 100%.

 

They will also tell you that agreements and boundaries made beforehand in many cases go out the window once emotions become involved, and just like in monogamous marriages how those situations are handled play a major role in the outcome.

 

Unfortunately, if you read a polyamory forum, you will see that in many cases once the floodgate is open , the initiating partner ( in this case your wife) decides that you agreed and everything she wants becomes an absolute need, and the advice she will get is to express her need and you are free to either accept it or leave.

 

Now I could care less if you do it or not. That is your call. But your wife has obviously started the race before you so even if you decide to do it I would tell her the trip to see her boyfriend is out because she actually was cheating ahead of the discussion. And then you read, discuss, and start from scratch if it is so necessary for her.

[central]

I completely agree with Friskyone4u. Do your research. And if your wife has already acted on this without first discussing it with you, it is cheating, and that transgression certainly needs to be addressed first before anything else happens. IMO, if she has cheated, then it is completely inappropriate for her to see the person she cheated with. One consequence is that you should both start from scratch going forward - if you do at all.

 

 

If approached honestly and ethically, it can be a great experience and lots of fun for you both. If not, then that does not bode well for how things could play out in the future.

 

 

My experience has been great - but, we fully discussed everything first, and took things slowly at first. Some people do dive in and it works out, but I can't recommend it.

[Friskyone4u]

User,

 

And what Central and I mean is not reading the books in one week end, then talking about it for a few hours and then diving in. Those books will also tell you that is not the way to do it.

 

You may have discussed this already, but some topics you better address are

(1) safe sex

(2) hard boundaries that either of you have

(3) overnights

(4) who to tell

(5) how much you want to know about partners or if you want to know anything

(6) her lovers in the marital home.

 

The list goes on and on. But as a man who did NOT initiate this conversation but who seems to be going along with it, I again urge you to really think about what you are getting in to. If you read on a polyamory website, and if you accept that women get more emotionally involved with their partners, you will find a lot of scenes like your that start out with dates to spice things up ( which is the wrong reason to do this). If you go to a "lifestyles" convention they will tell you rather than spice things up it will bring out every scab in your marriage more often than not.

 

So what will your reaction be when

(1) your wife is primping all day and goes strolling out to have sex with another man

(2) when she calls you and tells you she is staying overnight if you did not agree to that. That will come in the form of we are too drunk or I lost track of time.

(3) when she developed strong "love" feelings for someone ( women do this easier than men) and now you are "equal" partners in the marriage.

(4) when she wants YOU to become friends with her boyfriend

(5) when she tells you that she will spend Monday, Wednesday, and Friiday with you, and the other days with him.

(6) when she wants to go away for weeks or week ends with another man.

 

Now if all of that sounds great, full speed ahead. But remember, the odds say more often than not YOU will be struggling to connect with women who share this marital philosophy or single women who are just fine with you having a wife.

So you have a very good chance of either be guarding the house or watching the kids while she has the time of her life.

 

Central may have more statistics, but last I read less than 10% of the population practices non monogamous marriage, and I do not mean people who just dabble once or twice in a threesome or do it every year once. And probably less than 5% of men are willing to accept a polyamorous marriage.

 

I am NOT criticizing non monogamy. But from what you have posted your sex life may be a little bit boring now ( welcome to the club that most go through), and your wife has "discovered" non monogamy because it would have been much harder to get away with cheating with this guy and the consequences would have been much greater if caught that if she could sell you a bill of goods.

 

read the infidelity threads. Not uncommon at all for a WW to declare a desire for an open marriage once caught or while she is cheating.

 

Good luck whatever you decide