worriedlover27 Posted August 23, 2016 Posted August 23, 2016 My boyfriend thrives off of meeting new people, and making new friends. I on the other hand love to stay in. I don't really like socializing with others let alone meeting new people. The thought of going to a get together or party no mater how small makes me uncomfortable and anxious. When I do go, I end up sitting there dreading that someone will walk up to me to make small talk. Every once in a while I do like going out with my boyfriend (gotta have date nights!) to see a local band or enjoy a couple brews at a local bar but other than that, I am perfectly content staying in. That being said, I also let my boyfriend go out without me. I have never ever told him he needed to stay in to hang out with me. I have accepted we are both different in personalities. We just moved into a new complex with a cool common area where other people in the building can socialize. He freaking loves it. He met these group of people in our same building that like to get together and each takes a turn hosting dinners and movie nights. (I met them once when my he dragged me out to meet them one night.) We have been invited to join them for a dinner party. He really wants me to go but something like that is not fun for me. When I told him that, he became upset and said "people are going to think you are a bitch for never coming out." Wow. Then he said "you know what, fine. Stay in and don't socialize. The only person you ever hang out with is me". I know he was just upset, but both comments stung. Now i feel guilty. I know he would love it if I attended all his outings and functions and I do go to all the major important ones (family, close friends). But to me, I have no desire to connect with other people in our building. I would so much rather stay in and Netflix on the couch or read! I understand that sometimes I need to compromise and go and support him to things. Is this something I need to compromise on?
hermitcrab Posted August 23, 2016 Posted August 23, 2016 It sounds like he isn't being understanding of your differences, while you're being understanding of his. I'm currently dating someone like this too (I'm introverted as well), and he gets frustrated and says mean things sometimes when I don't want to go somewhere he does. I think it's because extroverts have never felt what it's like to be like us, they sometimes get confused and think we're being bitchy, or whatever. They can't imagine why social situations can be draining because they enjoy them so much and get so much energy off them, it hardly crosses their mind. I think there should be some sort of balance and compromise, he stays in with you one night and you go out with him one night. I think you both need to at least attempt to have a good time when you do this though, not see it so negatively. Maybe there's something positive you can take away from these gatherings, and something positive he can take away from staying in.
preraph Posted August 23, 2016 Posted August 23, 2016 Yes, you need to make the effort or else say we're not compatible and just break up. Over a lifetime, this will be a big issue. It sounds more like you have social anxiety than introversion, maybe. There's a difference. I mean, I am a bit of a self-monitoring people watching introvert, and while I don't love going to a party where I don't know anyone, I love one where I do. 3
SwordofFlame Posted August 23, 2016 Posted August 23, 2016 Yes, you need to make the effort or else say we're not compatible and just break up. Over a lifetime, this will be a big issue. It sounds more like you have social anxiety than introversion, maybe. There's a difference. I mean, I am a bit of a self-monitoring people watching introvert, and while I don't love going to a party where I don't know anyone, I love one where I do. I agree with the comment about having social anxiety. You may be an introvert, but that's not the problem. Many introverts (myself included) have no problem socializing with other people, we just can't do it all day like extroverts can. We need alone time to recharge. Your problem is that you have social anxiety. If you want this relationship to work, you might want to seek therapy. 3
startingagain15 Posted August 23, 2016 Posted August 23, 2016 I agree with the others. I too don't care for going out and would much rather stay in, but when BF wants me to go out with him and his friends I make the effort to overcome my nervousness and go with him. (Thankfully he is also an introvert so doesn't ask it of me too often.) I think if you continue to not want to be a part of his social life you run the risk of him finding someone who will. If you really have no desire to, maybe finding a fellow introvert for a partner would be a better plan. Or as others suggested get some therapy that could enable you to be more comfortable in social situations. 2
Gaeta Posted August 23, 2016 Posted August 23, 2016 What you are describing has nothing to do about being an introvert. You are suffering from social anxiety and you need to speak about it to your doctor. 4
O'Malley Posted August 23, 2016 Posted August 23, 2016 Do you socialize with friends or family on your own, or is the majority of your "me" time spent at home? I grew up with a very extroverted sibling, so it's normal to get frustrated at times with the differences in how loved ones draw their energy and recharge. While you feel that your boyfriend is insensitive in dragging you to these events, he might miss your company and feels that your presence at these activities makes them even more enjoyable for him. While he thinks you're antisocial or worries that others will think you snobbish, you feel drained socializing in large groups, especially if they're strangers. You can compromise by setting aside a certain nights a week where you go to parties or events with him, reserve other evenings for spending time together at home, and also each enjoy your "me" time. It wouldn't hurt to be a bit more independent in your activities and getting out of the house more, even just to enjoy a walk or going to an exhibit or activity solo or with a friend. 1
callingyouuu Posted August 23, 2016 Posted August 23, 2016 As a fellow introvert, I feel your struggle. Is there any way you can compromise? Maybe rather than a huge party or outdoor barbeque with a ton of other people, what if you and your boyfriend got to know one other couple in the building? I'm not saying you have to hang out with them every night, but just set aside one night a week to grab dinner or catch a movie. That'll show your boyfriend that you're willing to step out of your comfort zone while still maintaining a more manageable social environment. Also don't let a group of people on the internet diagnose you with psychiatric disease. Social anxiety is only a disorder if it gets in the way of your day-to-day function, which only you and those close to you can know. That said, there's no harm in taking small steps to branch out of your apartment!
mizunomead Posted August 23, 2016 Posted August 23, 2016 im not too sure what to say. but i think that your relationship is going to have a tough go of it. you two just seem like your not very compatible in this area.
basil67 Posted August 23, 2016 Posted August 23, 2016 I have to be honest - my ex husband did what you are doing and it's one of the reasons I left. I'm yet another introvert - I understand that socialising can be exhausting. Introverts can frequently be very good socialisers - especially in smaller groups - they just need more down time to recover. But the inability to socialise in the first place sounds far more like social anxiety. The thing your boyfriend said about how others will think you're not so nice if you don't make an effort? I know it hurts, but it's also true. And he will eventually tire of being your only person and of having to constantly make excuses for you not attending. I don't think anyone expects you to become the life of the party. But it is reasonable to expect you to be able to socialise in small groups with friendly people. 1
mbee Posted August 24, 2016 Posted August 24, 2016 I'm an introvert as well but a very social introvert. I can go out and socialize, meet new people and so on but I need time to myself to recharge and some amount of space. Labeling someone as an introvert or extrovert is very black and white thinking. There tends to be a spectrum of introversion. I will say that if you both aren't able to form a compromise then the relationship is probably not compatible in the long term. That's unfortunately the harsh truth. My last boyfriend was a major extrovert and even though I could socialize with his friends he'd get upset at the fact that I wouldn't stay out till parties till 3am or be willing to go to every social event his friends planned. We had this massive fight cause I was so tired and it was midnight and he was angry that I couldn't stay out at the party till 4am. He just could not understand that I could not handle being at a party for more than 4-5 hours. It got to a point where he said some mean comments implying that his friends didn't like me and so on. It hurt but you know what, we aren't together and I've dated guys whose friends love me and understand I'm a person who enjoys their company but needs my alone time too. As hard as it can be, reassess your compatibility. Or consider seeking therapy to see if you do suffer from social anxiety or other things. You can't change that your boyfriend wishes you to be more involved, but you can focus on if you can form a compromise, find ways to get yourself out there a bit more or reevaluate if the relationship may not be compatible in the long run.
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