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Lead on Harshly by my Man..

Zuesch

By Zuesch
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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Zuesch New Member

Zuesch

Posted
Posted

Hello,

 

I am new here, but I have been reading posts for a long time. I enjoy reading posts here and especially recently as I was dumped 4 months ago, from a 5 month relationship.

 

My profile:

 

  • Name: Adam
  • Gender: Male
  • Age: 22
  • Orientation: Gay
  • Location: New Zealand

First and foremost I want to state that I am quite introverted, and as a gay man, I feel this makes it very hard for me to find somebody compatible with me. I consider the relationship I refer to here to be my first real one - I had one previously but I couldn't develop feelings and so I ended it ASAP. It was a complete fluke that I met my first real love. We didn't actually date, he simply started coming over to my house and we enjoyed our time together.

 

I grew to really loved the dude. I adored him. All the standard **** you feel when you're in love, you can all imagine without me having to discuss it. At the end of the relationship, he told me he wasn't sure if he ever loved me, after great hesitation, and to anybody with a brain, that was obviously just his shy way (he was introverted, more-so than myself, and insecure) of admitting that he never did. This destroyed me, because he had told me he loved me before I was close to feeling that level of connection. He told me he would cry when I didn't respond to his texts quickly etc. So many promising statements.

 

I need to make some things clear:

 

  • He was slightly older than me (less than half a year)
  • He was less in-tune with his emotions than myself
  • He is quite innocent, I know he wouldn't have hurt me intentionally
  • He wasn't and still isn't out of the closet to most people (including parents)
  • I was his first gay experience

Red flags:

 

  • His actions didn't match his words all throughout the relationship. For example, he would tell me he would work on issues I raised and almost never did, in addition to never raising any himself until the very end (I suspect because he didn't truly care)
  • He only 'had the energy' to 'see the same person' (me) once/twice a week at most and rarely wanted to sleepover
  • He never let me go to his house even when his parents weren't home
  • He didn't want to tell his brother or friends that knew he was gay that I was his boyfriend. He agreed to let me meet them eventually but he essentially avoided me in front of them, as if he was embarrassed to associate with me. I also found out at the end that he told his brother I was only his friend
  • Not prioritizing me - he saw his friends over me on my birthday and I was angry that he didn't arrive until 20 minutes before midnight

I know 5 months won't seem like much to most here, but while in the relationship I never saw him ending it so soon, because he kept telling me he loved me and promising future plans. It was my first time, but I feel like an idiot for been blinded by love. I just presumed the red flags were because he was in the closet and shy etc. and never suspected he was too insecure to tell me he was leading me on the entire time.

 

I felt ridiculously betrayed/hurt. We did have great times together, but it crushed me to know that what I felt was so special to us both was only special to me throughout the relationship's entirety. That he was just confused or horny at the start because he'd never had somebody before, and that he had let us continue, probably only because he was insecure or for other nastier reasons I don't want to fathom. JUST A WEEK before he dumped me he told me he loved me and to never leave him, and that was after me asking if I was sure if he was sure he truly wanted to be with me (I was only beginning to doubt him then), because, as I said earlier, his actions weren't meeting his words. I still feel I have been played a fool and miss him despite the time not seeing him almost being as long as the relationship was itself.

 

So my questions are:

 

Can anybody explain this to me? Why would he do this? Why am I still not over him? Should I forgive him?

 

The fact that he didn't care for me the entire time confirms in my mind that he would not bother to look back now, so I have no hopes of reconciliation, but I also don't think he'd even want to be friends. I think we would have been good friends, but I don't know if I should forgive him. I could elaborate tons more but I'll save that for future posts.

 

I thank anybody who reads and replies to this in advance. I will read them and respond as soon as I can.

RocketQueen Established Member

RocketQueen

Posted
Posted

Hi Adam,

Sorry you're feeling like this.

 

Had your post not have been as detailed my reply would have been just that it seemed you were both at different stages and wanting different things from the relationship. That still stands.

 

Maybe because you never really had a talk about being in a relationship he presumed that it wasn't something as committed as you thought?

 

Seeing as it is the first (unconfirmed )relationship for you both I think it is just down to inexperience regardless of sexual orientation...add on to that, that the guy had not come out to many people and you have many more factors to consider.

 

It doesn't seem to me that he intentionally led you on. I think you are just more comfortable with your life and more able to be free and more open.

 

You are his first relationship, so you clearly mean something to him.

 

My brother didn't come out until he was with his now long term boyfriend. Although we all suspected he was gay he didn't confirm it until he felt comfortable in HIMSELF to let people know. I think it was a bit of an anti climax for him to get the courage to say it and for us all to just say ''We all kind of already knew, We're so happy that you're happy"

 

I think it is more about him and dealing with the thought of coming out etc than you or lack of feelings for you.

He handled it immaturely but that will only come with experience.

 

I can understand that you feel hurt and angry- that is only natural.

  • Author
Zuesch New Member

Zuesch

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)

Thanks, I appreciate that you took time out of your day to read it.

 

I believe what you're saying is true, in fact, I suspected he was afraid of the commitment myself.

 

A major problem in our relationship was that he was fine hanging around my friends and I'd get them to talk to him etc. and be a catalyst for relations, but as I said, he would never let me around his. It was a big step for him to tell some of his friends that he was gay and I was very proud of him.

 

It was more the brother I was concerned with. He was closest to his brother out of everybody in his life, he had known he was gay for a long time, yet he completely avoided telling him that I was his boyfriend. And in the end it made sense that it was because he didn't truly love me. I even remember feeling the same way about my first partner (only lasted 2 months); it felt somewhat shameful to tell people that he was my boyfriend when I didn't love him.

 

All of his actions point to him not loving me, and while I understand it was maybe a fear of commitment that caused this, I can't help but feel hurt and angry, as you say is natural. It was 5-6 months of my life, now 10 if you include the recovery, that he used up - and I don't mean that strictly in a bad way, but it still feels awful thinking what could have been.

 

I excluded this from my original post but I think the biggest reason for my prolonged hurt was because he made me re-live my biggest fear about getting into a relationship in the first place. Before my first partner (the 2 months guy), I had been in contact with a semi-long distance friend that I had played games with online for 5 years. We talked for months (Skype etc.) and were planning to meetup and date because he had told me he loved me, only to vanish soon after. Thankfully when I asked what was going on he didn't violate my trust as my ex did and told me straight up that he lost interest. I could go in-depth into this story but for the sake of relating it to the core topic (my first real relationship), I told him these stories. I told him my fears. I made it clear before we got together that I wanted him to be certain I was who he wanted. I don't understand how some people can tell somebody they love them etc. and talk to them every day, and suddenly turn cold a few days later, despite having learned little more about me. It's as if they confuse lust for love or something? Idk.

 

I am curious as to how long your brother was with his current BF when he came out. Do you know?

Edited by Zuesch
RocketQueen Established Member

RocketQueen

Posted
Posted
Thanks, I appreciate that you took time out of your day to read it.

 

I believe what you're saying is true, in fact, I suspected he was afraid of the commitment myself.

 

A major problem in our relationship was that he was fine hanging around my friends and I'd get them to talk to him etc. and be a catalyst for relations, but as I said, he would never let me around his. It was a big step for him to tell some of his friends that he was gay and I was very proud of him.

 

It was more the brother I was concerned with. He was closest to his brother out of everybody in his life, he had known he was gay for a long time, yet he completely avoided telling him that I was his boyfriend. And in the end it made sense that it was because he didn't truly love me. I even remember feeling the same way about my first partner (only lasted 2 months); it felt somewhat shameful to tell people that he was my boyfriend when I didn't love him.

 

All of his actions point to him not loving me, and while I understand it was maybe a fear of commitment that caused this, I can't help but feel hurt and angry, as you say is natural. It was 5-6 months of my life, now 10 if you include the recovery, that he used up - and I don't mean that strictly in a bad way, but it still feels awful thinking what could have been.

 

I excluded this from my original post but I think the biggest reason for my prolonged hurt was because he made me re-live my biggest fear about getting into a relationship in the first place. Before my first partner (the 2 months guy), I had been in contact with a semi-long distance friend that I had played games with online for 5 years. We talked for months (Skype etc.) and were planning to meetup and date because he had told me he loved me, only to vanish soon after. Thankfully when I asked what was going on he didn't violate my trust as my ex did and told me straight up that he lost interest. I could go in-depth into this story but for the sake of relating it to the core topic (my first real relationship), I told him these stories. I told him my fears. I made it clear before we got together that I wanted him to be certain I was who he wanted. I don't understand how some people can tell somebody they love them etc. and talk to them every day, and suddenly turn cold a few days later, despite having learned little more about me. It's as if they confuse lust for love or something? Idk.

 

I am curious as to how long your brother was with his current BF when he came out. Do you know?

 

I'm still trying to figure the first bit of bolded text out myself and at 39 I should know by now, surely.

 

My brother was with his boyfriend just over a year before he came out (at 26) so they didn't rush it and I know they both had a hard time beforehand-his boyfriend was kind of pressuring him as he had more or less expressed he was gay from being a small boy...so never really had to come out and was totally comfortable.

 

Love is love and it is hard.

 

If you expressed your fears I can understand why you feel hurt, it just seems he wasn't in a position to take them fully into account.

 

There are good people out there who will be more suited to you and ready to have the kind of relationship you deserve and want, speaking from experience I know thats hard to read right now.

 

Take care x

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