jay_white89 Posted August 23, 2016 Posted August 23, 2016 This is a longer story, so I will try to make it short with all of the details. I dated this girl for a year and we broke up a little over 3 years ago now. We broke up for a couple reasons. First, was the fact that she was in college at the time and I was home working full time. So, we didn't have as much time for each other. Second, there was a lack of closeness and touching. We were both shy and had a lack of relationships. She had a couple that lasted a couple months. But, never had sex or anything. I never had a relationship at all. Age wise we were both 23 when we broke up. She broke up with me. After the breakup we had a period for about a yr or so with little talking and when we did there was a lot of anger. That slowly faded. About year after the breakup we attempted to get back together but it only lasted for a week or so. Everything was still too fresh I think. It was more getting back together cause we were both lonely. Since then we have talked a good amount. I always let her text me first though. I don't want to come off as chasing her. Cause knowing she broke up with me I shouldn't chase. And she does text me at least once or twice a month. We both have been seeing other people, but neither of us have had a relationship since. Now like I said we talk a couple times a month. Last month she told me how she missed me and her sister thinks we should get back together. She wanted to meet up for drinks but it never happened. I waited for her to text me and set something up, but it didn't happen. We have talked a little since then though. So, my question is should I ask her to meet up? I don't want to rush into anything. Honestly, it worries me that I would just be waiting my time. But, now we both are almost 27 years old and a lot of failed dates have me wondering if this really was the girl I need to be with. I still love her and care about her. And I have grown a ton since we dated. I see the issues we had and am able to put a lot of the blame on myself. Should I put myself out there and reach out to set up a meeting with her?
Mkn1010 Posted August 23, 2016 Posted August 23, 2016 If you are willing/able to put your heart on the line again for her, knowing that she dumped you, then go for it! Willingness is key I think, but if you are going to feel scared/mistrusting or anything else, then there's no point reopening a closed book as the old wounds will resurface and discolour your interactions. I think, though, if it were me, I'd try to go for it, all in! Because if it fails, you can then put it to bed FOR GOOD! No stone unturned type of thing. It sounds like you're going to regret not trying and you'll wonder 'what if' for the foreseeable future and that'll prevent you from really falling for anyone else too. 1
angel.eyes Posted August 23, 2016 Posted August 23, 2016 Let's see. You tried to start up again a year after your breakup and barely made it a week. Yet three years later, you (the dumpee) still hope to restart things. You're wasting your time. It's sad that you've kept yourself in limbo for three years. Time to realize that there are 3+ billion women out there, of whom more than a few will be right for you...unlike your dumper. Time to move on!
Author jay_white89 Posted August 24, 2016 Author Posted August 24, 2016 I havn't really kept myself in limbo in my opinion. I have gone on numerous dates with girls. But, just havn't found one that clicked. There definitely is a feeling of being scared/expecting the worst which holds me back. I feel like I might not be able to trust her again. That is one of the reasons why I don't text her first ever
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted August 24, 2016 Posted August 24, 2016 I havn't really kept myself in limbo in my opinion. I have gone on numerous dates with girls. But, just havn't found one that clicked. There definitely is a feeling of being scared/expecting the worst which holds me back. I feel like I might not be able to trust her again. That is one of the reasons why I don't text her first ever Sometimes if you feel like you cannot trust her again, there may be a good reason for feeling this way. She broke your trust and your heart judging from historical evidence. I think because you're still in your 20's, it's not impossible to find someone who is a better match for you. I think if you've grown up in the time that you last dated her, don't waste that development and emotional growth on someone that caused you great discomfort and grief. Move on, and channel that new found growth and maturation on someone that will be a better and more deserving partner. It's easier sometimes to go back to a familiar environment or partner, but they usually come with old familiar patterns and baggage. I don't think it's necessarily safe to do it. And because you say you don't trust her, you're really wasting your time. I don't think you really want to deep down, you know you'd be settling for her if you did. You still young! plenty of fish out there! better get a hook and bait ready! 1
angel.eyes Posted August 24, 2016 Posted August 24, 2016 (edited) I havn't really kept myself in limbo in my opinion. I have gone on numerous dates with girls. But, just havn't found one that clicked. There definitely is a feeling of being scared/expecting the worst which holds me back. I feel like I might not be able to trust her again. That is one of the reasons why I don't text her first ever Yes you have kept yourself in limbo. As long as you refuse to let go of this perceived "possibility" of getting back with your ex, someone who you don't even trust, your heart won't be open to letting others in. Sure you may go through the motions of dating others, but as long as she's around, and you continue to engage with her, you aren't going to feel a click with anyone else. Step #1: Accept that there is no possibility of a relationship with her. Accept that your relationship with her is COMPLETELY over. It was over THREE years ago! Step #2: Delete her contact info, block her on social media, email, and your phone. Ignore her should she miraculously show up on your doorstep. People recommend no contact for good reason. As long as you refuse to cut the cord definitively and you allow her to hover in the background and make intermittent contact, you will sit in limbo and spin your wheels pointlessly on the dating front. Again, a year after you broke up, you tried to get back together and couldn't get past a week...a WEEK! That tells you everything you need to know about a stable future with her. It's a pipe dream! Move on already! Three years of this is just sad and a total waste of time! Edited August 24, 2016 by angel.eyes
ChatroomHero Posted August 24, 2016 Posted August 24, 2016 So you've had failed dates with other people, yet despite failing twice with her and getting basically blown off for a 'reunion' she suggested, somehow you think she is the one you need to be with? She is the same as one of your failed dates really. Probably worse, you failed twice with her. It's really easy to look back with rose colored glasses and think things will be different and you've changed/grown etc. It's rare anyone deeply changes other than matures. Even then, the same thoughts, beliefs and behaviors exist to some extent. From 23-27 you might be more responsible but you will not be as different as you think. My guess would be if you did start up again after a little while you would have one day were you just said, "Crap. Same thing as before". The only problem with that is if you were actually surprised by it.
spiderowl Posted August 24, 2016 Posted August 24, 2016 (edited) The chances of this ending up being another false start seem quite high. You might have grown but if she dumped you then is it going to make a difference? Who dumped who on both the occasions you got together? If it was her, I'd say don't bother. If she wanted to be with you, she could have let you know ages ago. Mentioning it as something her friends think, suggests she's thought about it. If she suggests talking about it as opposed to just mentioning in passing, then maybe consider it, but unless it comes from her in the first place I think you'd be wasting your time. Even if she does suggest it, find out what she thinks has changed that make her think it would work. As other posters have said, people don't fundamentally change all that much. Edited August 24, 2016 by spiderowl
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