Break-up changed my life and not in a good way

[Samsung1234]

Hello. Hopefully I post this topic in the right section.

I don't want to bore you all with a infinite text. So I will try to keep it short. Excuse my grammar, english is not my first language. My age is 24.

 

I have something in my heart and head and I cannot let it go. 2 months ago I finished one of my worst 2 years that I spent with a girl. But lets start with some information about me. I was a sociable person, attractive, charismatic, funny, confident and all of that. Had my own set of flaws too. But managed to control them. Made a lot of people, including girls to be around me. It was the "every mans dream". My friends were always wondering how easily I could get in touch with a girl. I wasn't doing anything else than just being me. Not being cocky, arrogant or dual-faced person. Just being natural. For my young age, I had a "game" so good that I could go out with girls that were older than me. I don't lie, it was nice. Getting so much attention and such. But I knew how to control it so that I wont transform myself in that arrogant guy that people would kiss in front, and swear at back.

 

But, after being in "wilderness" so much time, I met a girl that blew me off my feet and I wanted to be in relationship with her. She was the girl I was "looking for all my life", to say it like that. You understand. Everything with her was unbelievable. Even simple small talks or not so funny jokes were great times. Love was in the air, to call it like that. Never felt such a strong connection with a girl before. But, if the first few months were SUPER, things changed drastically in time. From heaven to hell. From love to hate, daily argues and fights. From texting daily, to being blocked on Facebook and such. ( Getting unblocked after days though ).

 

The problem here is that, she changed a lot in time. Even today I wonder why. I never got an actual answer what made her change so much. Its frustrating not to know. After approximate 1 year of relationship, she started to be more ignorant, more bitchy, to prioritize her friends over me, to swear a lot, to not have time for "us", love ( both words ) went downhill like a rock. She got a job and after that she only let me to see her when she wanted only. But her friends could see her when they wanted. I was like in a waiting list. Whenever I was starting a discussion about what I did in that day, she was always answering that I don't do **** all day and that she works and doesn't have time for my topics. I don't work by the way. But I am in last year at law school and having prospects on going to the "Judge School". So a lot of my daily hours are being eaten by books. She started being so cold. Whenever I tried to confront her, she said everything is fine and I am the "crazy" one. But she still was saying that she loves me, likes me and doesn't want to lose me. Oddly enough she had 2 3 days of being normal, then the bad attitude started again. It was a loop. An emotional roller coaster.

 

You would say why the heck I stayed with someone like this for almost a year afterwards. Because I blindly loved her and wanted to bring the relationship back to normal. I emotionally invested a lot trying to fix things up. Tried so many ways to solve the problems. While she was just minding her own business and sometimes throwing some good feelings at me. And I blindly thought that those feelings were real. But almost every night I felt that I was in a relationship just with myself. After some failed break ups ... 2 months ago I said Stop, once and for all. I resisted in not answering any of her texts or calls. But .. Break up hurt me. I felt that I got smacked by a professional boxer. And it hurt me more than it hurt her. Her life seems to be so joyful now, as a mutual friend told me, while I am trying to glue up my pieces back.

 

Here is the real problem: This relationship, this break-up, changed my life in a bad way. Trying to fix my relationship made me lose my self. This is how I feel now. After the break-up I feel that my inner self is lost. The guy that I was before entering this relationship is like a long forgotten memory. Now I struggle to keep a conversation with a girl without stumbling or saying things that turn the conversation in cold. Before I was always smiling and people vibe'd around me. Now I have a cold face. Its like I lost my direction. Started to stay in my house more, playing video games and watching movies and so. I rarely get texts from people because I started to be boring too. I feel the need to go out, meet new people, be active again, like I was in my past, but I feel so tired and a bit afraid. It is like she consumed all the positive aspects of me and left me with some rubbish.

 

I don't know why I got so "bewitched" and ended up like this, but I sure want to get back to how I was.

Edited August 22, 2016 by Samsung1234

[juniorrocha]

First of all, you guys weren't compatible. But I suppose she was your first girlfriend, so that happens: you take too long to realize that. It took me 2 years (the entire relationship) to realize I should've broke up with my ex a month after first meeting her. It sucks, but it makes you learn.

 

Second, whenever we enter a relationship, especially with someone who we love very much and work/fight very hard to make things right, we end up changing a lot about ourselves. The truth is: a relationship shouldn't make you fight that hard. You should be accepted as who you are. If they can't handle it and you choose to change yourself in order to suit better in the relationship, eventually you'll be feeling lost. Just like you are now. Changes are necessary sometimes, but if it makes you unhappy, then something's wrong.

 

Third, considering the above, you've gotta understand that you'll always change, with life's situations. Despite the things you miss about yourself, I'm sure you have learned great things with your ex too. Now that you're single again, focus on rebuilding yourself, but keep the good sides with you.

 

If you aren't already, I suggest exercising. It always makes one feel great about themselves. Maybe that will push yourself into getting more active towards life.

 

And remember: a break up can be really painful for a while. Maybe you don't wanna go out or contact lots of people because you're not ready for that yet. Eventually you'll feel better and then the old you may start showing again.

[whatnot]

I have no answers for you. But you just wrote my song.

 

2 years into my last relationship I said to my sister, "Sandra, she's so paranoid, it's rubbing off on me and I feel I'm changing. I don't trust people the way I used to. I don't view the world the way I used to. I'm not a trusting guy like I used to be. My fear is Sandra, that I will never find the man I was before I met this human being again".

 

Well...I continued to date her for 4 MORE YEARS. I felt I was in a relationship with myself. The person she kept telling me I was...no one had ever said those things about me before. Even my ex wife would have given me a reference as a trustworthy and loyal man. I never cheated. I never thought about cheating. But...I was such a bad man. She would compare me to her ex lovers....and I always came up short. She was constantly questioning my character. Telling me I had none. I went to a shrink. He said the gender roles in my relationship were reversed. He said it doesn't happen all that often but it does happen and he had seen it before. She was the "controller" and I was the one being controlled. He said it's usually the other way around. The male is usually the one dominating and controlling the female. He worked with me to balance things out. It worked some of the time. But....it would fall back into the same dynamic. There was no balance. There was no compromise. There would never negotiate anything. It was horrible.

 

When the balance of power is as one sided as that was...one person loses their identity really really badly.

 

It sounds as if that may have happened in your relationship with this woman.

 

I hope this turns around for you. The last time I saw this woman was in March. I went no contact in May. I had to. She was beginning to share with me the love interest she had. She wanted to be friends and talk about her dating other men. That's how far I let this go. I knew in my head....the only way to gain this woman's respect is to break up with her. I knew it early on in the relationship, but never did it. It just never made any sense to me. How a person could only have respect for you if you require that they never see you again to have it. But...in the end....that's what it took. That is just so weird to me....even to this day. I never understood what made her unable to trust. I do know that her ex husband (she had been beaten by him and he was a serial cheater) was a bad person. But...he is an internist. Makes about 2 million a year. I lol guess that made it hard for her to leave....but it also damaged her. She works in an abused women's shelter. She's on the staff. She would never "lower" herself to admit she needs the other women there as much as she needs them. But...anyway....

 

I'm 58. I don't expect that I will ever fully recover. It'd be interesting to see if you do. These wounds go deeper than what I see on here normally. There's a lot of pain on this site. But...it's pain that I recognize. I recognize it from previous relationships. This stuff is a whole 'nother ball of wax. I guess that's what made me write so much. Sorry for the long, non-helpful...response.

 

Good luck to you Sir.

[whatnot]

T\My relationship with that woman. It took away my innocence. It was my 9/11. Remember how this Nation felt after 9/11? Collectively we, as a Nation, I believe it made us feel as if our innocence had been taken away...for good.

 

And, we've not been the same since. We're not the same Nation I grew up in.

 

And I don't see how my relationship with this woman could ever allow me to regain what was taken. (or what I allowed to be taken....but sometimes...life just isn't that simple).

[Been]

Whatnot I agree with what you said. I couldn't have put it any better then you did.

Its like they stole something from you and you'll never get it back.

And I feel the same way-no matter how long a period of time passes you will never regain who you once were.

[Jeannot456]

Hey bro,

 

This kind of pain is one of the worst - you not only lost one person but two, yourself incl.

 

My advice is to take small steps at being who you were, IT IS INSIDE you! Find what you used to enjoy and start doing it again, make it your new vice. Mine was surfing and when I broke up with my first serious gf I spent 2 months partying hard until I realised I was as empty inside as ever... then I started getting into my surfing obsessively - every day and I was too exhausted to think about her and lay awake at night - while things still hurt I really started to feel better and one day it hit me, my old self was back.

 

Funny thing is I met a beautiful girl in this stage and had an awesome relationship (we grew apart since) and the one who broke my heart tried to get me back when I just didn't care anymore. I regained my power!

 

Though I still stumbled a few times after but then I picked up rock climbing ;-).... you get my drift?