Author psiblast Posted August 29, 2016 Author Posted August 29, 2016 Thanks. I get the addict reference. Do you think there absolutely zero hope for this situation? Is she just so far removed from the type of partner I should be seeking that I should just cut my losses with her? I lack the self confidence to believe I could ever be with a girl like her again. That's the crux of my anxiety. What if she wants to meet up?
Blanco Posted August 29, 2016 Posted August 29, 2016 I lack the self confidence to believe I could ever be with a girl like her again. That's the crux of my anxiety. This is the root of the problem and, if not resolved, a surefire way to end up in a relationship where there's no balance in power. Women want a guy who is devoted to them, but they are utterly turned off (if not right away, then eventually) by a partner who feels like he's not "deserving" of being with her.
Blanco Posted August 29, 2016 Posted August 29, 2016 To provide a real example, the woman I mentioned earlier in this thread once told me about a boyfriend she had in college. He was an ordinary guy, not bad, but nothing remarkable about him. He felt she was out of his league and wasn't shy about telling her. She eventually dumped him. I'll never forget something she said about it. "Someone tells you they aren't good enough for you enough times and you'll eventually agree with them." 3
Author psiblast Posted August 29, 2016 Author Posted August 29, 2016 (edited) To provide a real example, the woman I mentioned earlier in this thread once told me about a boyfriend she had in college. He was an ordinary guy, not bad, but nothing remarkable about him. He felt she was out of his league and wasn't shy about telling her. She eventually dumped him. I'll never forget something she said about it. "Someone tells you they aren't good enough for you enough times and you'll eventually agree with them." Interesting. I've never communicated this to her, because I've always felt that I was the one who was out of my GF's league (I'm better looking than her). Things changed over the past few weeks where I felt I NEEDED her. But it was probably my behavior (and not so much my words) that made her see me that way. Towards the end of our break-up conversation, I basically stood up for myself, declaring to her, things like... "I don't need this." "I need a woman who appreciates the things I do for her, and understands my value." "I'm a great guy, and have a lot to offer." And finally saying, "It hurts to let you go, but I feel that I need to. So I will." Edited August 29, 2016 by psiblast
ThorntonMelon Posted August 29, 2016 Posted August 29, 2016 Do you think there absolutely zero hope for this situation? Is she just so far removed from the type of partner I should be seeking that I should just cut my losses with her? I lack the self confidence to believe I could ever be with a girl like her again. That's the crux of my anxiety. What if she wants to meet up? We are talking about the woman who dumped you last Sunday, correct? After dumping you a month earlier?
Author psiblast Posted August 29, 2016 Author Posted August 29, 2016 (edited) We are talking about the woman who dumped you last Sunday, correct? After dumping you a month earlier? She didn't dump me a month earlier. She thought about dumping me, and wanted me to come over to her house to talk about it. While we were talking about it, we cleared up some misunderstandings and assumptions, and mutually agreed to continue the relationship. She dumped me last Saturday, then less than 24 hours later had a change of heart. Again, that ^ sounds like I'm rationalizing/making excuses. But I'm really just trying to lay down facts (not that it changes the way you view the situation). Like I said, from day 1, I always perceived myself to be the dominant one in the relationship and the "superior" (if you will). Things changed over the last month when we had a disagreement and she started to withdraw and I started to pursue. It was basically a situation that triggered our natural attachment behaviors. I started to see her as this incredibly rare woman that I'd never be able to compare anyone else to. Edited August 29, 2016 by psiblast
Simon Phoenix Posted August 29, 2016 Posted August 29, 2016 Thanks. I get the addict reference. Do you think there absolutely zero hope for this situation? Is she just so far removed from the type of partner I should be seeking that I should just cut my losses with her? I lack the self confidence to believe I could ever be with a girl like her again. That's the crux of my anxiety. What if she wants to meet up? This is why I advocating blocking, because it eliminates the gray area and stops all of the overanalyzation and questions. If she is eager to find a way to be with you enough to circumvent a block, it's a hell of a lot more telling about her feelings and intentions and eradicates the gray area. And in the time while you are blocking, you can get your self-confidence back. You need to get that back and you need to focus on your children (not that you haven't, but they are more important than this woman). It's going to be a lot harder for you to get your confidence back and do the father thing if you allow her a direct lifeline. It's keeping you in the muck and making you a mess. 1
staggerlee71 Posted August 29, 2016 Posted August 29, 2016 Everyone keeps suggesting that you maintain NC and take care of yourself. This is the summation of all the things we before have learned. There REALLY is nothing YOU can do. No perfect text, call, behavior. Strength and clarity is the goal. Only you can do that away from the craziness. There is no amount of action that will bring here to her senses. She will do that in her time away, which is exactly what she is doing. She is gaining strength and clarity
Author psiblast Posted August 30, 2016 Author Posted August 30, 2016 I just can't do it. If she texts me that she misses and wants to see me, I WANT to see this text! If I block her, then she'll text me, get no response, and just assume I've moved on. Repeated attempts to call or text me will vanish into cyberspace and she has no other way of reaching out to me.
elaine567 Posted August 30, 2016 Posted August 30, 2016 I just can't do it. If she texts me that she misses and wants to see me, I WANT to see this text! If I block her, then she'll text me, get no response, and just assume I've moved on. Repeated attempts to call or text me will vanish into cyberspace and she has no other way of reaching out to me. She doesn't know where you live, where you work?
Author psiblast Posted August 30, 2016 Author Posted August 30, 2016 It is now two days in a row that I did not cry. I feel sad, especially in the mornings, and especially if I woke up from a dream about her. I also feel sad at night -- especially last night when my route took me past her neighborhood. But I held strong. I repeatedly talked to myself saying things like: "She doesn't deserve you" "This girl is not who you fantasized her to be" "You're worth more and don't need to settle for someone like that" I say those things to me repeatedly when I find my brain circulating with thoughts of her -- thinking about future interactions, what I will do and say; and thinking of past interactions, what did I do or say to drive her to this point.
Author psiblast Posted August 30, 2016 Author Posted August 30, 2016 She doesn't know where you live, where you work? She does. I don't think she'd be crazy enough to drive to my house or work.
elaine567 Posted August 30, 2016 Posted August 30, 2016 She does. I don't think she'd be crazy enough to drive to my house or work. If she had no other means of contacting you and she realised she had made a huge mistake and wanted to make things better, then do you not think she would drive over to your house to try and talk to you? NC stops the "Missing you", "Why can't we be friends", "Let's hang out sometime" type of breadcrumbs that mean little and go nowhere. It is so easy to send a text or send a message via an app, not so easy to pluck up enough courage to show up at your house or your work. Anyone who is deadly serious about reconciling WILL go the extra mile to find you though. 2
Author psiblast Posted August 30, 2016 Author Posted August 30, 2016 I see your point. But I ask myself the same question, and the answer is no. I would not drive to her house, go to her work. I would get the hint that she wants nothing to do with me, and will not lower myself to practically beg like that. And if I (the anxious type who clearly wants this more than she does) won't, then you can bet she won't either. We're both reasonable adults, and I think if/when it came to reconcile, she would appreciate the fact that I'm not playing games. I know I would.
Blanco Posted August 30, 2016 Posted August 30, 2016 Blocking isn't playing games. I think you seem to be missing the obvious point here that people are recommending you block her so that you can move on; not win her back. 1
Author psiblast Posted August 30, 2016 Author Posted August 30, 2016 Blocking isn't playing games. I think you seem to be missing the obvious point here that people are recommending you block her so that you can move on; not win her back. I don't see how that will allow me to move on. She obviously doesn't want to end this relationship just yet. She said it herself. She just needs time and space, as do I. By blocking her number, unfriending her on facebook, etc. -- that'll just make me more anxious because I'll be totally in the dark and will make me MORE inclined to do something crazy -- like reaching out to her best friend, or going over to her house. Keeping her lines of communication open to me keeps me from becoming really desperate and going to those extremes.
elaine567 Posted August 30, 2016 Posted August 30, 2016 you block her so that you can move on; not win her back. Yes, NC works because the vast majority of dumpers never ever want to go back, but most dumpers tend to have the annoying habit of messing with the dumpee's head. They hang around, they want to be friends, they want to go for coffee or dinner or long walks or may even want to have sex, but 99.9% of them never want to get back into the relationship. That is very hard for the dumpee to process, as every time the dumper shows they "care" in any way, the dumpee sees hope, when it is usually hope-less. That is why the dumpee needs to cut themselves off completely from contact with the dumper, so that they can grieve, heal and move on with no false hope complicating the issue. 2
Blanco Posted August 30, 2016 Posted August 30, 2016 I can see this is one of those "gotta learn the hard way" situations. Best of luck. I'm out. 3
Author psiblast Posted August 30, 2016 Author Posted August 30, 2016 Yes, NC works because the vast majority of dumpers never ever want to go back, but most dumpers tend to have the annoying habit of messing with the dumpee's head. They hang around, they want to be friends, they want to go for coffee or dinner or long walks or may even want to have sex, but 99.9% of them never want to get back into the relationship. That is very hard for the dumpee to process, as every time the dumper shows they "care" in any way, the dumpee sees hope, when it is usually hope-less. That is why the dumpee needs to cut themselves off completely from contact with the dumper, so that they can grieve, heal and move on with no false hope complicating the issue. Makes sense, but what if they do? What if this girl was really stressed out, and made a judgement call because I pushed her over the edge, and now regrets it? If there's even a .1% chance of that, then I'm not going to hold onto hope, but I still want to keep that open.
ThorntonMelon Posted August 30, 2016 Posted August 30, 2016 I'm with Blanco and about done here - PSI - what gives you the impression that a woman as amazing as you describe this woman would want someone who is as mentally insane as you are right now? I realize you can't really see it, but you've gone off the deep end, complete batsh-- crazy. And I say this not to judge. I've been there. Many of us have. But you're talking about crying in the morning, replaying events in your head that might happen in the future, actually claiming she wants to be with you when all evidence suggests she doesn't...lets say she does come back - this version of you would be dumped again within a couple hours. You have to strengthen yourself which means complete no contact, trying to stop yourself the second you start psychoanalyzing her, and more therapy. And then maybe in 6 months you could be strong enough to handle it for her or whoever else comes around. But this version of you is undatable. With that, I'll watch from afar because...well, you're going to do what you want. 2
Author psiblast Posted August 30, 2016 Author Posted August 30, 2016 Really, I just want the pain to stop.
ThorntonMelon Posted August 30, 2016 Posted August 30, 2016 You're standing in a fire and you're getting burned. What do you do? Get out of the fire. Maybe in 6 months the fire will go out and be replaced by a nice fertile ground or maybe you'll never go back. But you get the hell out of the fire until you know it's safe. It's her responsibility to make herself seem safe again. As a man and a father your responsibility is to never let her burn you again. 1
staggerlee71 Posted August 30, 2016 Posted August 30, 2016 The pain is an absolute nuisance. Its not long ago, over holidays, I was feeling like you. It goes away. Takes time. learning the hard way is not all bad because its an experience learned once. Hopefully!! Boy did I learn. Something to consider is you don't feel the way you did when you met her. Confident, strong, she was attracted to that. You said so in previous posts. Assume she comes back, the very first time she delays a text, calls late, cant see you, BOOM, you will be in hot pursuit. This is no way to have a good relationship. so you see, getting back to your solid ground, coming to terms with what you need, via no contact, will serve you well. One way or the other. tell yourself you are in a temporary state. Because you are. Get a hold of your anxiety. Feel better. How bad do you want to text her? How badly do you want to see her? I know, desperately. If she felt the same way, this situation would not be happening. Hang in there man. She will comeback if she wants. Go about your life, give her space, NC, and get well
Simon Phoenix Posted August 30, 2016 Posted August 30, 2016 Really, I just want the pain to stop. Do you? Seems like you want to keep it going to be quite honest. 1
LD1990 Posted August 30, 2016 Posted August 30, 2016 She obviously doesn't want to end this relationship just yet. She said it herself. She just needs time and space, as do I. Actions speak louder than words. She did end the relationship, so it's pretty safe to assume that's what she wants. In 9 months, she has tried to break up with you once and reconsidered, then a month later she really broke up with you. That's not a good sign for any sort of future with this woman. She's keeping you around as her text message buddy to make this breakup easier on herself.
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