broken guy Posted July 4, 2005 Posted July 4, 2005 This is what I said: I just want to let you know that I will have to go back soon. I can no ,longer ignore my Mum crying as I have done since the start of the year. I have to help find a house for her. I know we had our bad times in the past but we had many more good ones. Those are the times I want to remember. Mike. Is that OK? I hope so. I know that I will leave her a letter just before I go which will be the one which has been edited here, I need to tell her I saw all the evidence, if only for my own peace of mind. She wont come back so why should I cae if I tell her or not.
This_Too_Shall_Pass Posted July 4, 2005 Posted July 4, 2005 YES....it's perfect!! A primer of sorts, to prepare for the other letter (edited on LS) that you're going to drop into her mailbox. Just make sure you don't send the 2 letters too far apart though - would kind of lose its effectiveness (even though it might give her time to respond, if at all). Well done - this is a fine piece of literary artwork of the post-romantic genre!! You're on track, buddy!
Author broken guy Posted July 4, 2005 Author Posted July 4, 2005 I think I will be leaving in 2-3 weeks from now so I will go to her place when she is not there in maybe 7-9 days. I will leave her a bad of stuff of things that I still have of hers and a few things I think she will like to keep of mine as I will only throw them away. This recent message has been sent direct to her phone so she has it. I dont expect a reply. But, with me intending to leave her a letter that is NOT a rant, at least I will have tried. I will add that I also forgive her for what she has done and that I am sorry if she felt like I made her unhappy when that was the furthest thing from my mind. That I know I should have treated her better and I realize that, I just got caught up in a lot of different problems at the same time, timing has been against me for some time now.
Author broken guy Posted July 4, 2005 Author Posted July 4, 2005 I got a reply, there is ONE thing that agngers me, can you guess what it is? "Thank u 4 emailing me, I appreciate it. Sorry 2 hear that u have 2 leave like this but I know she needs u. I really hope u can help her & that u'll both b ok. Please do let me know ur new contact details when u have them. Id rather remember the good times than hold grudges 2. Take care of urself" Now, got it? Well, how can she hold a grudge against me? I didnt lie to her or cheat on her, all I did was close myself away when stress got the better of me. I want to tell her this, but I wont.
Author broken guy Posted July 4, 2005 Author Posted July 4, 2005 Actually, reading it again it DOES make me far more angry! I never mentioned holding a grudge against her, never, so why would she hold one against me? What the hell did I do?
ReluctantRomeo Posted July 4, 2005 Posted July 4, 2005 Originally posted by broken guy Actually, reading it again it DOES make me far more angry! I never mentioned holding a grudge against her, never, so why would she hold one against me? What the hell did I do? Noooo, I think you've got the wrong end of the stick. It's girly speak. They can be pretty indirect Allow me to translate. I think she knows that she behaved badly and is relieved that you're not holding a grudge. You're doing well, Broken. Scoring points with her, looking strong and doing your own thing. Don't reply straight away. Be as casual as you were in the original mail when you do.
ReluctantRomeo Posted July 4, 2005 Posted July 4, 2005 Originally posted by This_Too_Shall_Pass YES....it's perfect!! A primer of sorts, to prepare for the other letter (edited on LS) that you're going to drop into her mailbox. Actually, I'm thinking that it would be better not to send the other letter now. Sounds like she has got all the right messages from this one. Other opinions? TTSP? Miss GW? Greenie?
Author broken guy Posted July 4, 2005 Author Posted July 4, 2005 Indirect you say? Hmmm....to say that she does not want to hold grudges too implies that I really did something to deserve it. I am still of the opinion of the final letter plus a bag of stuff that I am sure she will like plus one flower 2 days before I leave. Or maybe on the day..
ReluctantRomeo Posted July 4, 2005 Posted July 4, 2005 Originally posted by broken guy Indirect you say? Hmmm....to say that she does not want to hold grudges too implies that I really did something to deserve it. Hmmm, I don't think you've mastered the complexities of female language. I really don't read this as her saying that you have done anything wrong. If anything, it's an indirect apology. I am still of the opinion of the final letter plus a bag of stuff that I am sure she will like plus one flower 2 days before I leave. Or maybe on the day.. No flowers. Definitely no flowers. I wouldn't do the letter either. You have really scored a hit with this one - why risk spoiling it with another?
This_Too_Shall_Pass Posted July 4, 2005 Posted July 4, 2005 Oh noooooo....NO FLOWERS, please!! That just makes it droll....after the "direct" letter you sent her, you're leaving a flower for her - 2 days before you leave (think she's gonna respond?!) Believe me, she'll think you're a wussy - you'll lose whatever "strong" image you've built up till now. Ah - I know how maddening it is when she says "I don't want to hold grudges against you". I think ReluctantRomeo did make a correct observation - that it's she who's feeling guilty and is trying to get over it by projecting it onto you. Honestly, to me it just shows what an immature, self-centred person she is - can't even acknowledge the truth to her own self!! All the same, I can understand it will leave you seething. I agree that you shouldn't send the second letter to her - if the first one didn't have any effect on her, do you think the 2nd one would? I would advise you to leave the bag with her stuff the day before you leave - along with a 4 sentence letter that says "Returning your things. I'm glad you share my belief that we shouldn't part with a grudge. That's what I have always believed, and done - never held any grudges against you for whatever has happened till now. It's good to know that you've chosen to think in the same way. Good luck with everything". That should do it. And since you'll be leaving the very next day, it wouldn't give her the opportunity to respond in a way you wouldn't like. Besides, at this point you owe it to yourself to really not care what she says or thinks!! Sending a flower to pacify her possible misgivings about you won't help. You also owe it to yourself to start re-building your life when you go to England - don't cling on to the ghost of this person - it will waste more of your time. I hope everything works out the way we all want it to!!
ReluctantRomeo Posted July 5, 2005 Posted July 5, 2005 Originally posted by This_Too_Shall_Pass I would advise you to leave the bag with her stuff the day before you leave - along with a 4 sentence letter that says "Returning your things. I'm glad you share my belief that we shouldn't part with a grudge. That's what I have always believed, and done - never held any grudges against you for whatever has happened till now. It's good to know that you've chosen to think in the same way. Good luck with everything". Sounds like a good letter to me. And a great strategy. Don't be a wuss!
Author broken guy Posted July 5, 2005 Author Posted July 5, 2005 Well, its NOT all her stuff. I want to give her some stuff that I know she likes and I will only throw away. I have also been buring some DVDs for her as I originally downloaded them for her and some other stuff we were wathching together before she moved out. OK then, you REALLY think I should not mention all the evidence I found? I mean, it wont make any difference in any way if I tell her or not. SAt least if I do I can have the satisfaction of telling her I knew but trusted her. I dont care if it puts her on a guilt trip. On a side note, i am in a bar and meet a stranger. He tells me he knows the new BF and said he is rich, fat, a bit aggresive and spends all his money on random women. I am so scared for her that she believed him when she said that she is "different". maybe she is, I certainly think so, but still, I think about her and want her in my arms again. Women! I would have been better off single all my life!
ReluctantRomeo Posted July 5, 2005 Posted July 5, 2005 Originally posted by broken guy I want to give her some stuff that I know she likes and I will only throw away. Keep it, give it away or throw it away. I did this with some stuff for Juliet. OK then, you REALLY think I should not mention all the evidence I found? I mean, it wont make any difference in any way if I tell her or not. Apart from making you look petty. Don't. Women! I would have been better off single all my life! Feels like it now, but won't feel this way for ever. I promise
Author broken guy Posted July 6, 2005 Author Posted July 6, 2005 Poo! I spend 3 hours burning her DVDs!! I was wondering of she would like a photo collection of the past year? She never had a camera and I have them all on disk. I mean, its not like I will send her any ones of just ME, just a select choice. I dont think I am being wussy by giving her a final present with the note, I think Im just trying to be nice. I would like it if, one day in the future, we could meet again and we both be happy..or rather that I have found happiness again. I think I will get home and take some evening cooking classes! Today I have a tempurature of 38.7oC and no one to look after me
ReluctantRomeo Posted July 6, 2005 Posted July 6, 2005 Originally posted by broken guy I was wondering of she would like a photo collection of the past year? Now you know what we're going to say here I dont think I am being wussy by giving her a final present with the note, I think Im just trying to be nice. To her you will look like an incredible wuss by doing this. Trust me, it won't make her feel good. And if you're not doing it for her, who are you doing it for? Today I have a tempurature of 38.7oC and no one to look after me
miss-gonewest Posted July 6, 2005 Posted July 6, 2005 Goodness me, I go away for a few days and we are still battling back & forth on this... Right, listen to me now please..... 1. Don't send her anything. No DVD's, no flowers, no gifts. If you have her belongings that she may need, then return them. If she hasn't asked for them back - then she can live without them. 2. Don't send the letter - not the first, the second or any of the drafts... the book is now closed. Her message seemed to be pretty much a goodbye note, so to go back with the heavy stuff will just irritate her. 3. Send her an email with your new contact details when you get back home - keep it light, make it sound like its the best thing you have ever done; indicate that things happen for a reason and your break up has shown you a new life, full of exciting possibilities. 4. If she replies, maybe you can casually & jokingly let her know you saw the evidence. Leave it at that. 5. About the grudge thing, I think she could sense your anger; I think she could also sense it before you broke up(see my reply to one of your other posts for more clarification). Women are emotive - we can pick up on unspoken things and maybe you weren't perfect towards the end. Maybe she didn't feel cherished and secure or she felt pressured. On another note, maybe she is deflecting guilt - I don't know. You will have to work that out on your own, or just let it go - as one of the many mysteries of your relationship. 6. Do the cooking classes, in fact do dance classes because the female participants far outweigh the males. And you get fit at the same time! 7. Don't worry about what sort of character her new bloke is - its not your problem and she is grown up enough to take care of herself and any issues that arise. Easier said than done, but it will only mess with your head. 8. I am sorry about your fever - if I could I'd bring you some soup! Chin up tiger - this issue is slowly starting to fade into the background, I can feel you being less stressed already! In 3 weeks you will be on your way to a whole new life; with challenges and new experiences and people... (right now I wish I could get on a plane and leave and start over! I've had a shht day buddy!). You're coming along nicely - just don't turn into a wuss and send flowers or gifts or anything. Stand firm and be manly - she'll admire that more in the long run. OK, here endeth the lesson...
This_Too_Shall_Pass Posted July 6, 2005 Posted July 6, 2005 BrokenGuy....you have the potential to be a wuss of the first order!! *just taking a friendly dig at you, no offense meant* I totally agree with RR and MGW, sending her photos / DVDs / other memorabilia would make you look pathetic. She would actually be able to imagine you burning DVds for her, and selecting a few "choice" photographs to send to her - and the only feeling I think she would have, would be one of mild aversion. Why do you keep thinking it was your fault? You need to get over the guilt, in any case it's her who's actually done the stuff she shouldn't have done! This reminds me of a corny phrase - "What is done, cannot be undone - even if you go to London"!! LOL Which is totally apt for you!! I hope you're feeling better today - why don't you call over a friend and spend some time chatting while you're not upto venturing out?
westernxer Posted July 6, 2005 Posted July 6, 2005 Originally posted by broken guy I dont think I am being wussy by giving her a final present with the note, I think Im just trying to be nice. Yes, you are being a wuss.
outdated Posted July 6, 2005 Posted July 6, 2005 Originally posted by westernxer Yes, you are being a wuss. I second that.
Author broken guy Posted July 7, 2005 Author Posted July 7, 2005 You people are harsh to the extreme! OK about the photos, I wont do that but the TV show is something she has always wanted to watch to the finish. I lent her a few cassettes of it a couple of years ago and she said she wanted to see the rest, well, now I have it on DVD. Its not like it cost me anything! If I gave it to her, it would make me feel good about it. Despite the "rage" I hold for her, I would still do this, how can that be bad? OK, I wont mention anything about the stuff I found and I wont email the friend that devoted 4 months of her life trying to break us up and spead lies about me and then call me a loser. I think I have done an EXCELLENT job here of restraining myself from slapping her across the face. She is such a nice and caring girl and I feel so upset that I lost her. And I think MGW's opinion of her not feeling cared for or secure is SPOT ON! She thought I didnt want to live with her and commit myself. As I have said, that wasnt true, I was just feeling blue and didnt want to do the same to her. Yup, I was a fool!
This_Too_Shall_Pass Posted July 7, 2005 Posted July 7, 2005 Well....I would say that each person is the best judge of his / her own situation. There would be many nuances and facets of the relationship, that are known and understood by only you and her. All of us on LS can offer you our best advice on the issue, but it's bound to be "secondary data" - from what you told us. Plus, we're like weather-vanes - we go the way the wind blows! Can't blame us for that though - we try and gauge the situation and your mood the best we can, and try to offer a second (and a third, fourth, fifth..) perspective. All the same, it is upto you in the end - we can't influence your actions (or thoughts!) So, I guess I'll assume that you probably know what you should do given your situation. But whatever you do, make it a decision that you can stand by, knowing it's pros and cons.
miss-gonewest Posted July 7, 2005 Posted July 7, 2005 Originally posted by broken guy You people are harsh to the extreme! We aren't being harsh, we are just offering advice on your situation. The only time advice can be taken as being "harsh" is when its not what you want to hear... if you don't want an answer you don't like, then don't ask the question! Simple! Despite the "rage" I hold for her, I would still do this, how can that be bad? Remember no more questions - if you are going to do something no matter what, then don't ask us!!! She's lived without the tv show for how many months? She doesn't need your copies, but go ahead and send them, just don't complain here when you don't get any thanks! I think I have done an EXCELLENT job here of restraining myself from slapping her across the face. She is such a nice and caring girl and I feel so upset that I lost her. And I think MGW's opinion of her not feeling cared for or secure is SPOT ON! Isn't that a contradiction? Brokenguy, honestly the sooner you put this behind you, the healthier you will be! You are making GREAT progress, do us proud OK?
Author broken guy Posted July 7, 2005 Author Posted July 7, 2005 I'm doing OK, I'm just an old romantic. I always had the notion that my dream girl would simply come to me in some odd place, she did yet here I am. As for the DVDs, well, I CAN see your points, honestly I can. I try and compare myself to what the ex-ex did with her after they split up (in an HONEST way!). He sent her a photo of them together, their first date or some other special occasion, a Harry Potter book and a bookmark that had some special meaning to his life. She got upset and wondered why he was doing these things. We discussed it and deceided she should sent it back along with a "Why? Are you trying to upset me?" question. He got offended and said the photo was a "thanks for the memories" momento, the book he simply wanted to introduce her to (Harry Potter) and the bookmark...well, I dunno about that, a good luck charm or something. Mind you, he had sent her a bunch of nasty emails and letters before all this hence her confusion, I have done nothing of the sort apart from one vent when she told me she had been lying and WAS seeing another guy (I didnt say anything bad but just detailed how she had manipulated me and given up without even talking). I woke up this morning and I wanted to ust tell her that I was never going to contact her again and I didnt want her to contact me...now I'm indifferent again. My temp is now 38.3oC.
theone44 Posted July 8, 2005 Posted July 8, 2005 Originally posted by broken guy Poo! I spend 3 hours burning her DVDs!! I was wondering of she would like a photo collection of the past year? She never had a camera and I have them all on disk. I mean, its not like I will send her any ones of just ME, just a select choice. I dont think I am being wussy by giving her a final present with the note, I think Im just trying to be nice. I would like it if, one day in the future, we could meet again and we both be happy..or rather that I have found happiness again. I think I will get home and take some evening cooking classes! Today I have a tempurature of 38.7oC and no one to look after me I smell a wussy here,and it's beginning to stink.
Author broken guy Posted July 9, 2005 Author Posted July 9, 2005 As I said, I'm not going to give her the photos. I do not appreciate being called a "wussy" by the way. My life is a complete mess at the moment and it's not even like I caused the mess and being attacked on this board is not helping me in any way whatsoever. I loved this girl for 4 years, we went through University together, we battled against families that didnt like us together, friends too. In fact, we have been through far more than most people go through in twice that amount of time so forgive me if I still love her despite what she did and how I believed her lies and let her get away with stuff. I have never called anyone childish names here as I know why they say what they say and I feel their pain too. By telling them that they are weak or pathetic what does that achieve? It drives them to their ex as, in that state of mind, they go to the one who they trusted for X amount of time. I have taken advice from people here about never contacting her again, dont do this and dont do that, yet I then read their posts about how they HAVE contacted their ex or hung out with them again and they keep doing it! Sometimes I wonder.....
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