Giaesquire Posted August 22, 2016 Posted August 22, 2016 (I posted this in another forum also; if that's against the rules, I'm so sorry! I just wasn't sure where it fit.) This is harder than I had thought. Okay, here's the story: Two years ago, through my work, I caught the attention of a man who ultimately broke into my home while I was asleep, raped me and stabbed me. I was very, very lucky to survive. My boyfriend of three years couldn't handle it, and he just sort of faded out. I have done a lot to be okay. I went through the trial process, so I at least have the comfort of knowing he is being punished and can't hurt anyone. I have had a lot of therapy, and I will continue that. I have a great career, and overall, life is good again. My therapist has been pushing me- she would say "encouraging" me- to date again. When I "feel ready". I don't know if I am. I will have to explain some pretty major scars. I don't want to lie, but I can't imagine telling the truth in that situation, either. So, that is a big mental hurdle for me. I have looked around on the web, and I have seen a number of forums that include men saying their girlfriends/wives were raped, and their honest thoughts don't make me feel better! They often doubt that the story is true, or they blame the girl, or they just can no longer touch her. I don't want that. I hope I can find someone who can see me as a strong person. I want whoever I date to see me as sexy and un damaged, and I'm not sure I'm either. I sense that time won't help; I have to try to resurrect that part of my life, even if it feels odd. It feels like I'm a virgin who has never been on a date! Sorry this was so long.
SpringAngel83 Posted August 22, 2016 Posted August 22, 2016 One step at a time. That is a horrible and very damaging thing to have to overcome. Sounds like you're making progress. Someone will see the strength in you and appreciate you for it. Don't look at yourself as a "woman who was raped." Look at yourself as a strong and brave woman! Hugs. 3
Poppyolive Posted August 22, 2016 Posted August 22, 2016 I'm sorry you went through that horrible experience. I'm happy to hear you're feeling better and working on you. The dating world is a crazy place. Take your time, on your own grounds, and you don't have to tell anyone, anything right away. Only someone you see something progressing. Some may have their views that don't Aline with yours, those are the guys you don't want and you move on. Like above poster said, someone will not feel threatened and see the absolute best in you. Step by step. A few coffee, walking dates here and there when you're ready. I wish you all the best.
preraph Posted August 22, 2016 Posted August 22, 2016 (I posted this in another forum also; if that's against the rules, I'm so sorry! I just wasn't sure where it fit.) This is harder than I had thought. Okay, here's the story: Two years ago, through my work, I caught the attention of a man who ultimately broke into my home while I was asleep, raped me and stabbed me. I was very, very lucky to survive. My boyfriend of three years couldn't handle it, and he just sort of faded out. I have done a lot to be okay. I went through the trial process, so I at least have the comfort of knowing he is being punished and can't hurt anyone. I have had a lot of therapy, and I will continue that. I have a great career, and overall, life is good again. My therapist has been pushing me- she would say "encouraging" me- to date again. When I "feel ready". I don't know if I am. I will have to explain some pretty major scars. I don't want to lie, but I can't imagine telling the truth in that situation, either. So, that is a big mental hurdle for me. I have looked around on the web, and I have seen a number of forums that include men saying their girlfriends/wives were raped, and their honest thoughts don't make me feel better! They often doubt that the story is true, or they blame the girl, or they just can no longer touch her. I don't want that. I hope I can find someone who can see me as a strong person. I want whoever I date to see me as sexy and un damaged, and I'm not sure I'm either. I sense that time won't help; I have to try to resurrect that part of my life, even if it feels odd. It feels like I'm a virgin who has never been on a date! Sorry this was so long. Congratulations because it sounds like you are a strong survivor and have once again found enjoyment in life. Well, most guys who bring it up on here it's because they know they are butts for thinking that way. But there's bound to be guys who don't have a big issue with it at all, like a secure balanced guy. Now, of course, it is NOT easy to go through the long process of a victim healing so guys sort of operate on wanting to "fix" it and if they can't, they feel powerless. So yes, victims often lose their boyfriends one way or another. After all, coming back from it really is a one-woman show, plus therapy support. I remember reading 40 years ago that lots of guys have trouble dealing with this, but that was back when guys married virgins and were themselves occasionally virgins or at least had sex like it. Really, there's no excuse now except that the healing process is long and they feel useless. But here's what I'd do if I were you and you were ready to try to date. Well, first of all, I'd work on just getting social with friends and going out before I tried to date and just see how that went, being out amongst people. And then see if you meet someone. This may seem like contrary advice, but I think the best thing to do is not even bring up the subject until you've been dating a long time. Any little bit of info (how many partners, bitterness over breakup, or marriage and baby talk) can run off a suitor when it's brought up too soon because it places an undue emphasis on that subject. In other words, if you feel it necessary to bring up something like a bad breakup in the first few dates, right away, they're going to think you're obsessed about that and bitter (and you may be or you may just be filling in your history for them). So I say just don't even tell them because if it's not a thing you feel is so foremost in your mind that you have to talk about it right away, then it won't be as big a deal to them because it doesn't seem like a big deal to you. Now, you may get lucky and find a man who is educated about such things and empathetic, but I wouldn't hold my breath. That sort of thing, being a victim, being a woman and having to always be cautious, even before a bad thing has happened because 1 in 4 of us does become a victim, it's just not something most men can relate to or understand the impact of at all. To them, sex is sex, rape is sex, a sex partner is a sex partner, a rapist is a sex partner, when educated people know rape isn't about sex but control and violence. It's just that that's what turns them on, control and violence. Then if you get past the first few months of having a relationship with someone, maybe you tell them and get them some books to read on the subject and see if they're willing to learn. If not, well, I'm 63 and been just fine living on my own with my pets most of my life. But if I were you, I'd avoid online dating for now because it's mostly failures for everyone. You have to get rejected so many times before you even have a decent date that it's demoralizing and I don't think you need that right now. Try to meet men organically through your friends and hobbies and activities. Good luck! You did good.
risjurad Posted August 23, 2016 Posted August 23, 2016 Sorry to hear what you've been through. Glad to hear you're overcoming them! All I can suggest is when you explain this to a potential bf, do so at the right time (can't tell you when. Sorry but you'll have to decide this for yourself). If this turns out to be an issue for him, then perhaps it was better this way? For me, my concern with dating someone who went through what you did WOULD BE knowing if I were making you uncomfortable in any way, and if there are any boundaries I should be respecting (which TBF, I had a hard time with this anyways). In the end, we all have our own issues to work out. Many won't be on the same level that you dealt with, but perhaps he'll have his own issues to deal with, and that's something the two of you can work out together.
aileD Posted August 23, 2016 Posted August 23, 2016 I'm so sorry that happened to you. I'm glad you're healing. The things you read on the web, about how men are....I can't quote from my phone....but...I feel like those are the men you're dating when it happened...like your boyfriend....maybe couldn't see you the same or couldn't handle it, had trouble dealing with the physical stuff after. I feel like anyone new that comes along is a clean slate. They can't see you different because they don't know different. This is the new you. Good and bad, history and accomplishments. There will be some good guys and there will be some less decent guys. Just like from anyone else's experiences. I do feel that you shouldnt put too much expectation into the first guy you decide to date. He probably won't be "the one" but he'll be a necessary step in building your confidence and learning about the new you as she is in a relationship. Good luck. Peace to you.
BaileyB Posted August 23, 2016 Posted August 23, 2016 I don't know that I have any advice to share, but I just wanted to tell you how impressed I am that you are considering dating again after such a terrible experience. You are very brave and I wish you all the best! No doubt, you will find a good man and the right man won't have a problem with your story. He will recognize you for the courageous survivor that you are... 1
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