J dub Posted July 4, 2005 Posted July 4, 2005 I really need some help.. Here's the deal: my LT boyfriend and I have been having a hard time lately over various things. He suddenly has been scheduled WAY more time @ work than ever and I am not sure if its because he wants a distraction from me or what. I realize he doesnt have a whole lot of control over his schedule but in his words, they all "love" him there - so why wouldnt they be more flexible with his schedule? He has been working weekends for the past 3 weeks. Weekends are OUR time...they were anyway. Due to him working more I thought he would ask me to get together during the week but it hasnt happened. Finally on saturday I had enough and told him that I cant help but take it personally when I never see him anymore and he hasnt been making an effort to make this situation any easier. I asked him if he needed space but he said he didnt know? Wouldnt this mean yes? If you dont KNOW if you need some space, obviously theres some issues you need to work out, right? So our arguement ended and I havent heard from him since I suppose if he wanted time away from me and he said "YES I DO" it would be much worse. I am still confused though.,, What should I do? I guess I shouldn't contact him so that he can think things through and come to me when he is ready? I dont know what the next step is????? Any help or advice from anyone is VERY appreciated Edited: I also want to add - it might help to know that the last couple of times we've gotten into a tiff, it was me who came to him to talk. Perhaps I didnt give him sufficient time to mull over the situations before, and now they are overflowing in to other parts of our relationship??
Kat Posted July 4, 2005 Posted July 4, 2005 Read your post and pretend it was made by a total stranger. What advice would you offer? He doesn't want to spend time with you. He has no desire to make up after a fight. He actively finds things to do that don't involve you.
Author J dub Posted July 4, 2005 Author Posted July 4, 2005 Originally posted by Kat Read your post and pretend it was made by a total stranger. What advice would you offer? He doesn't want to spend time with you. He has no desire to make up after a fight. He actively finds things to do that don't involve you. I can see your point - but... I didnt say he doesnt want to spend time with me. Fact is, lately it has been ME who suggests we hang out, not him. Its not that he says no, because when I ask we do hang out. I cant say he has NO desire to make up after a fight because its possible I didnt give him enough space/time to work thru it on his own. Thats part of my problem, I may have screwed myself here. I dont know for sure if he is ASKING to work this new schedule. He works at a restaurant and his schedule changes all the time. So far, this is the 2nd weekend he had to work at fri, sat & sun night. He said next weekend was similar. Thats where I got upset. Finally, he said that his manager and GM are out of town right now and another person has been making the schedule that doesnt usually do it. He requested to not work weekends but for now he is stuck working the ones he IS scheduled for. He recently went on vacation for a long time and had to have people cover for him while he was gone, so I could see why he doesnt have a whole lot of say in when he works or doesnt work. It may sound like I am making excuses for him, but theres a lot of detail missing from the situation and I just kinda gave the gist of the problem. I may be overanalyzing everything, as well. I have been doing that a lot lately.
Kat Posted July 4, 2005 Posted July 4, 2005 Originally posted by J dub I didnt say he doesnt want to spend time with me. Fact is, lately it has been ME who suggests we hang out, not him. Its not that he says no, because when I ask we do hang out. If it is only you initiating communications, doesn't that say something? I cant say he has NO desire to make up after a fight because its possible I didnt give him enough space/time to work thru it on his own. Thats part of my problem, I may have screwed myself here. Not at all. You have done nothing wrong here. If anything I see two people who aren't compatible in regards to the effort and time they require in a relationship. It may sound like I am making excuses for him, but theres a lot of detail missing from the situation and I just kinda gave the gist of the problem. I may be overanalyzing everything, as well. I have been doing that a lot lately. There is nothing wrong with making excuses for him, but if you refuse to look outside the square then you can't really fix anything.
crazy_grl Posted July 4, 2005 Posted July 4, 2005 Originally posted by J dub I cant say he has NO desire to make up after a fight because its possible I didnt give him enough space/time to work thru it on his own. Thats part of my problem, I may have screwed myself here. I think you did screw yourself, but possibly not for the reason you think. I dont know for sure if he is ASKING to work this new schedule. He works at a restaurant and his schedule changes all the time. So far, this is the 2nd weekend he had to work at fri, sat & sun night. He said next weekend was similar. Thats where I got upset. Finally, he said that his manager and GM are out of town right now and another person has been making the schedule that doesnt usually do it. He requested to not work weekends but for now he is stuck working the ones he IS scheduled for. He recently went on vacation for a long time and had to have people cover for him while he was gone, so I could see why he doesnt have a whole lot of say in when he works or doesnt work. It may sound like I am making excuses for him, but theres a lot of detail missing from the situation and I just kinda gave the gist of the problem. I may be overanalyzing everything, as well. I have been doing that a lot lately. It sounds to me like you're overexaggerating and blaming him for something that may have been out of his control. When you approached him about why you weren't spending time together, did you make it an attack? From everything else in your post, it sounds like you did. He might have felt no need at all to have space, but when you jumped on him for something he couldn't help, it made him wonder about the relationship. You've stated some perfectly logical reasons for why he could have been not spending time without really wanting to and why working weekends is out of his control. The question is why don't you believe him and why are you taking it personally. It sounds like your insecurity may have gotten the better of you, causing an arguement, and raising a red flag for your bf as well as causing him unnecessary stress. I know it probably seems like you're perfectly justified, but you have to look at it from his point of view. How would you feel if you were stressing about having to work when you don't want, not being able to see your bf because of your work, and then have him attack you and blame you for it when you can't help it?
Author J dub Posted July 4, 2005 Author Posted July 4, 2005 Good point crazy_girl...its very possible I just planted the seed in his head to question the relationship. My biggest mistake was letting this boil inside for too long without bringing it to his attention when the feelings of neglect first started. I tried my best to point out to him that I was hurt because I feel as though we dont hang out at all anymore and when we do, it feels like I am making the effort to get plans straightened out. I said I wouldnt mind the working-weekends part so much if he would TRY to see me more often. Unfortunately, its difficult to convey a message like "we dont see eachother enough and its your job that causing it" without sounding like an attack. Ugh I feel crappy now. If he had done what I did - yes I would be upset with him. It would be hard for me to argue the point about trying to see eachother on other days though, because his effort is just slim. I dont want to make it worse by pressing the issue and calling him...but at the same time I dont want to turn a molehill in to a mountain by not speaking to him and letting the suspense grow...what would you do in my shoes?
crazy_grl Posted July 4, 2005 Posted July 4, 2005 I've done the same type of thing. In fact, the situation I'm working to dig myself out of now was caused because I didn't mention the things I had issue with when they first came up. I just set back until it was a big deal to me, and then when I was upset it seemed like it was coming out of nowhere. His effort might seem slim to you, but that doesn't mean he's not making any effort. It also might be a bigger effort that what it seems like to you. Don't assume he's not making any because he's not meeting your standards. Talk to him and tell him that you realize you might have overreacted a bit, because he can't choose when he has to work. Let him know that you didn't want to start an arguement. You just miss him and the time you got to spend together when he wasn't working weekends. Let him know you understand it's hard for him, but that it's very hard for you too. Tell him you'd appreciate it if he set aside some time for you during the week to make up for the lost time during the weekend. The key is to not look at it like he's doing these things on purpose. Have some faith in him and that he wants to be with you.
Author J dub Posted July 4, 2005 Author Posted July 4, 2005 I will do that -- good idea He sent me a text message this morning (which I didnt expect since I havent talked to him since saturday morning) that said "Hi beautiful I hope you are having a fun and safe holiday weekend I love you <3" !!! Hes working all day today - maybe I'll just call and leave him a message saying the things you suggested? Or should I wait for him to call me? I dont want to look like I'm being pushy or needy or anything, I've done enough of that
CurvyGurl Posted July 4, 2005 Posted July 4, 2005 After not seeing my LT boyfriend for 3 weeks, I expect more than a text message saying I'm beautiful and have fun. It seems you're making excuses and hanging on to the relationship when he is clearly choosing other options than being with you.
Author J dub Posted July 4, 2005 Author Posted July 4, 2005 Originally posted by CurvyGurl After not seeing my LT boyfriend for 3 weeks, I expect more than a text message saying I'm beautiful and have fun. It seems you're making excuses and hanging on to the relationship when he is clearly choosing other options than being with you. I think you misunderstood -- I meant he has been working weekends for two weeks (next weekend will be three) I saw him a week ago and talked to him on saturday.
Author J dub Posted July 5, 2005 Author Posted July 5, 2005 Ok so I didnt respond to his text yesterday - while I thought it was sweet, I couldnt come up with a response that I wanted to send so I didnt say anything. Now its the next day and I'm feeling guilty - maybe I should have and now since I didnt, he won't bother any more? Should I call him, and explain that maybe I overreacted about his schedule and that I would appreciate if he could set some time aside for me thru the week? I dont know what to do - its the next day now and I feel very confused
HatefuL_DruG Posted July 5, 2005 Posted July 5, 2005 Wow. I think I've met my twin. It sounds as if you've over-analyzed the situation. You know, it could be nothing and that he was just busy those next 2 weekends at work, and trust me he had no control over that (especially if he took a vacation). I know you were worried that the relationship was going to crap but, you may have just had to see the situation for what it was, and not look deeper because there was nothing to look into any deeper because I've been in the same situation. It sounds to me that you may also have an underlying problem (maybe an anxiety prob?) I'm not trying to diagnose you sweetie, really I'm not, it's just it sounds as if you were feeling guilty for something you shouln't have felt guilty for(like the txt message situation). My advice to you is to not over-analyze things so much because THAT my dear can make a relationship go to crap. Respong if you'd like. Hope I can help you
Author J dub Posted July 5, 2005 Author Posted July 5, 2005 I have been wondering lately if anxiety is a problem for me. Its possible, that combined with some insecurity has turned me in to a monster.
noname Posted July 5, 2005 Posted July 5, 2005 call the man. you already understand that you over analyzed him. what you don't realize is that you are overanalyzing your potential response. it is not that complicated. listen to CG, she hit it pretty dead on. by his text, it sounds like he either has already forgiven you or he is well on his way to...
Author J dub Posted July 5, 2005 Author Posted July 5, 2005 Thank you That was exactly what I needed to hear to push me ahead. I tried calling but his phone is off right now so I'm going to wait until its on so I can hopefully talk to him instead of leaving a message.
HatefuL_DruG Posted July 5, 2005 Posted July 5, 2005 Originally posted by J dub I have been wondering lately if anxiety is a problem for me. Its possible, that combined with some insecurity has turned me in to a monster. It doesn't make you a monster in the least. So don't think that I have been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. So anxiety and I are good friends. But that doesn't mean YOU have it, I'm no doctor; I'm just educated.
HatefuL_DruG Posted July 5, 2005 Posted July 5, 2005 You don't have to worry anymore about this. I agree with Noname, he either has forgiven you, or is on his way to. If you need anything send a message my way. -sky
Author J dub Posted July 6, 2005 Author Posted July 6, 2005 Originally posted by HatefuL_DruG You don't have to worry anymore about this. I agree with Noname, he either has forgiven you, or is on his way to. If you need anything send a message my way. -sky Thanks everyone for the support and suggestions - This really gives me hope - because I am in a bad frame of mind right now I called him and left him a nice message, I said that I overreacted a bit and that I understand it is hard for him and he cannot control his schedule. I said I just missed our time together that we used to have and I would love it and appreciate if he could set aside some time for me during the week to make up for the missed time. I told him I loved him and I hoped to hear back from him. No response I am totally shocked, I thought for sure he'd call. Do you think he is just cooling off and waiting for a good time to talk - or is he at his breaking point? It doesnt make any sense to me that he would send a text message like the one he sent if he wasnt planning on moving forward with me Maybe he is just waiting to make me wonder and make me think about what I did? I once heard him give advice to a buddy of his about a girl. He said to not call for a couple of days and let her sweat...I guess he's taking his own advice???
Kat Posted July 6, 2005 Posted July 6, 2005 Here you go getting worried about nothing again How long ago did you call and leave a message? Relax, make yourself a coffee or something. Don't stress out, Maybe he hasn't even got your message yet
Author J dub Posted July 6, 2005 Author Posted July 6, 2005 Originally posted by Kat Here you go getting worried about nothing again How long ago did you call and leave a message? Relax, make yourself a coffee or something. Don't stress out, Maybe he hasn't even got your message yet I called around 7pm and its now 130am -- Im pretty sure he'd have gotten it by now, but I guess youre right maybe he's out with friends or something
Zaira Posted July 6, 2005 Posted July 6, 2005 Don't stress. The guy is probably just so flat out he doesn't even realise how the time is getting away. Although, I would find out when he's going to be free next, plan something for both of you, and then "invite" him. If he starts making excuses, then I'd start to wonder more.
Kat Posted July 6, 2005 Posted July 6, 2005 Originally posted by J dub I called around 7pm and its now 130am -- Im pretty sure he'd have gotten it by now, but I guess youre right maybe he's out with friends or something You can't live your life next to the phone wating for his call. And you definately can't live counting the minutes between each time you see him. I think you should make yourself busy and if he calls, he calls. If he doen't, he doesn't. I am not saying don't love the guy and don't miss him, but at the moment your entire life is him and it isn't healthy
Zaira Posted July 6, 2005 Posted July 6, 2005 Originally posted by Kat You can't live your life next to the phone wating for his call. And you definately can't live counting the minutes between each time you see him. I think you should make yourself busy and if he calls, he calls. If he doen't, he doesn't. I am not saying don't love the guy and don't miss him, but at the moment your entire life is him and it isn't healthy Good advice
Author J dub Posted July 6, 2005 Author Posted July 6, 2005 I guess I didnt think I was living my life around him, per se. I am still out doing stuff and the normal trying-to-keep-myself-busy but I cant help if he doesnt call you know what I mean? Its hard because we've been together almost 3 years, it shouldnt come down to him just not ever calling again. Maybe he just hasnt forgiven me yet and is waiting until he is ready to talk?
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