Ex messaged me on FB 4 years later asking how things are going

[Jono85]

Hello,

 

I guess I'm looking for input and maybe validation of my decision. I'm thinking of simply ignoring, which is something that just isn't in my nature typically - I think it's one of the sh-ttiest things you can do to someone you care remotely about.

 

Just for more context - and I have a bunch of threads dedicated to her years ago - I hurt her throughout our relationship, unintentionally, as she jumped all-in and I was not there. I could never fully let her go, though, as I cared about her more than anyone I've ever cared about before her. I was always there for her, but yes, admittedly for 90% of our existence I was not her ideal bf b/c of my own issues (btw I NEVER lied or cheated on her, there was no one else).

 

That being said, as she was drifting from me, I finally realized how much she meant and how much I loved her and expressed all of this. We tried again briefly but she clearly didn't feel the same anymore. She was ready to pursue other guys and was quite cold to me when dealing with it. She essentially cut me out of her life and didn't care to help me deal with the pain when I was in a very dark place - I told her I lost my job and best friend (guy best friend) in the same week - and she ignored it completely and ignored me/my pain. It was that moment I gave up and became very bitter. I had ALWAYS been there for her and even when I hurt her unintentionally I was as hurt as her, b/c I hurt when she hurt, etc.

 

Anyway, we left things like that, open, messy, and I guess I carried resentment of this. To be honest, this low was the lowest point of my life (lasted for some time, maybe a year plus) and led to a COMPLETE turn-around via introspection, a new sense of drive. I went back to school, finished my undergrad while getting on Dean's List (was a C student prior), passed CFA level 1 and 2 exams, and landed a dream job in finance. All b/c I was in so much pain, went out and bought a journal and went to work on myself. So in a way, a lot of my success since can be attributed from her.

 

She ended up having twins with her very next BF, got pregnant within 7 months of dating him - they are not married (possibly not even together), but from my vantage I am obv done with her romantically. I guess I still hold the resentment however of her just cutting me out of her life and not being there for me/dating new guys/not giving a sh-t about me anymore during the darkest time of my life and so 4 years later it's kind of like "catch-up? - you lost that right 4 years ago and have not bothered to see how I was doing at any point until now...sorry but gtfoh"

Edited August 22, 2016 by Jono85

[TXGuy]

If you still feel as bitter/upset with her as you appear to be after four years, I'd say just ignore her message. There doesn't appear to be anything to be gained from getting back in touch. Since you are still mad, you would likely want to verbally unload on her. Her response would reasonably be 'wtf, it's been four years.' I don't see any upside for either of you.

 

Chances are the baby-daddy is gone and she is looking for someone to help her raise her kids. She remembers that at one point you were ready to go all in with her and she is testing the waters to see if you might still be interested.

[Jono85]

If you still feel as bitter/upset with her as you appear to be after four years, I'd say just ignore her message. There doesn't appear to be anything to be gained from getting back in touch. Since you are still mad, you would likely want to verbally unload on her. Her response would reasonably be 'wtf, it's been four years.' I don't see any upside for either of you.

 

Chances are the baby-daddy is gone and she is looking for someone to help her raise her kids. She remembers that at one point you were ready to go all in with her and she is testing the waters to see if you might still be interested.

 

Thanks for the feedback and advice TXGuy.

 

To clarify I don't want to sound like I've been actively upset/bitter with her in the slightest. To be fair, that lasted a good year or so from after last contact - much longer than it should have but we all heal in different ways/times. But after she had kids, it really became a sort of closure like I knew 100% that was the end, if it hadn't hit me yet until then. So like I'd think of her in passing every now and then, and not even in a bitter fashion - I would think some times of the good times and how no one had ever been so fond of me before/after her. But yes, her messaging me this weekend did bring back a lot of the ****ty memories and the darkness I experienced when I lost her, my job and my best friend and she seemingly didn't give one sh-t and even ended our contact there with her ignoring it.

 

I agree though that it isn't a good idea to bring up ANY old wounds and I never would, but you're right I do have the urge to or desire to hear an apology or some kind of acknowledgement that she knows she was sh-tty to me at the end. But regardless I'm not really desiring a "catch-up" with her, so best thing is to probably just ignore.

[preraph]

Haven't you ever just wondered what became of someone? Maybe she thought enough time had passed. Sounds messy, though. Tread lightly.

[Popsicle]

If you don't have a new girlfriend that you can rub in her face, I would just ignore her.

[Jono85]

Haven't you ever just wondered what became of someone? Maybe she thought enough time had passed. Sounds messy, though. Tread lightly.

 

Yeah, I'm not even really concerned or care about her motive here. Trying to figure out that is a losing proposition - plus as I mentioned, I'm not really looking for anything with someone who has kids. More so was looking for validation that I'm not some kind of monster for simply ignoring her.

 

 

If you don't have a new girlfriend that you can rub in her face, I would just ignore her.

 

Lol, what's sad about that is I know a lot of people would have that mindset. I don't have one currently, but even if I did, I don't think I'm the type that would gain any value from that.

[Springsummer]

real monsters will not ask such question at the first place, they will just simply do it...

 

I would say just do whatever you feel like and what she deserve.

[Jono85]

real monsters will not ask such question at the first place, they will just simply do it...

 

I would say just do whatever you feel like and what she deserve.

 

Thanks springsummer.

 

I did a lot of thinking on it yesterday and I think I'm at peace with simply ignoring her. Sure, we shared a lot of good times, and she will always mean something to me - to be honest, that's an understatement as I've never cared for any girl more than her, but I've also been strictly focused on career/growth for last few years - and I know she likely had to be cold to me at the end in order for herself to move on. I don't hate her or anything. But at the end of the day, I'm not responsible for her feelings any longer. When she cut me out of her life and decided to move on, she's entitled to that right and I was forced to let her go. From that point on I'm entitled to only think what's right for me going forward in any future exchanges with her. I'm no longer obligated to think "How will this action make her feel" - and at the end of the day, whether it be resentment, bitterness, whatever it is, I don't desire to communicate or catch up with her right now, so I'm at peace with just ignoring it.