Mama_Bear Posted August 22, 2016 Posted August 22, 2016 My husband is only happy when we have sex. He has a very high sex drive and I'm more of a once or twice a month person which is causing a lot of problems . We been together over 10 years and have a 3 year old. He doesn't believe in counselling. So I used to just give in and do it to make him happy ....for years I did this . After I had my daughter I guess I changed a little and started saying no more. The more i said no the more mad he got. All we do is fight over sex. He wants anal . He knows I hate it but he wants me to want to have it because I'm his wife and I have to please him. He takes off his wedding ring because I won't give him anal sex . I don't feel close to him...more like scared and annoyed . The longer he goes without sex the more mad he gets, he has forced me . I keep wondering how he can enjoy himself while I'm crying.Then he's fine and acts like every is normal . So he wants me to please him every night..and then wonders why I don't show him affection . He doesn't believe this is abuse The funny thing is I love him and Wonder if it will ever get better.
privategal Posted August 22, 2016 Posted August 22, 2016 Even if you are married, sex without consent is still rape. Your husband if you reported him could face jail time. You feel scared and you should. He takes off his wedding ring? When your daughter gets married someday, would it be ok with you if her husband did these things to her? You need to seek help. I'm so sorry, this is rape and it isn't ok. 2
BluEyeL Posted August 22, 2016 Posted August 22, 2016 No, unfortunately it'll not get better. I don't think this is a way to live life. Counseling might help, but I personally think you are incompatible. Men don't understand that women need emotional intimacy to want sex and if he doesn't understand that, and think he's entitled to anal and whatever else, there is nothing you can do. If you have a job, I suggest filing for divorce. You'll be happier without him and he can go and have as much sex as he wants.
Redhead14 Posted August 22, 2016 Posted August 22, 2016 My husband is only happy when we have sex. He has a very high sex drive and I'm more of a once or twice a month person which is causing a lot of problems . We been together over 10 years and have a 3 year old. He doesn't believe in counselling. So I used to just give in and do it to make him happy ....for years I did this . After I had my daughter I guess I changed a little and started saying no more. The more i said no the more mad he got. All we do is fight over sex. He wants anal . He knows I hate it but he wants me to want to have it because I'm his wife and I have to please him. He takes off his wedding ring because I won't give him anal sex . I don't feel close to him...more like scared and annoyed . The longer he goes without sex the more mad he gets, he has forced me . I keep wondering how he can enjoy himself while I'm crying.Then he's fine and acts like every is normal . So he wants me to please him every night..and then wonders why I don't show him affection . He doesn't believe this is abuse The funny thing is I love him and Wonder if it will ever get better. What he is doing is abuse. If he refuses counseling, you tell him you need to end the marriage. The funny thing is I love him -- you don't love HIM, you love the HIM you want him to be.
PegNosePete Posted August 22, 2016 Posted August 22, 2016 Wonder if it will ever get better. The only way it will get better is if you divorce your abusive husband and spend your time with people who treat you like a human being, not a piece of meat.
Author Mama_Bear Posted August 22, 2016 Author Posted August 22, 2016 Thanks everyone for your advice. I have no friends to talk to . And if I told my parents they would obviously take myself and my daughter away from him. I sometimes wonder if I should tell his mother and bothers what's going on and maybe they could help. He wasn't always this bad . I always think about leaving but I still love him.
privategal Posted August 22, 2016 Posted August 22, 2016 Tell your parents. Why would you not want to be free. Why do you want to go on being forced? That isn't love. That's fear. Get OUT. 2
PegNosePete Posted August 22, 2016 Posted August 22, 2016 if I told my parents they would obviously take myself and my daughter away from him How is that a bad thing? If your own daughter were in this situation in 20 years time, wouldn't you want to "rescue" her too? I sometimes wonder if I should tell his mother and bothers what's going on and maybe they could help No, his mother will most likely take his side and tell him what you've been saying.
Author Mama_Bear Posted August 22, 2016 Author Posted August 22, 2016 No going to my parents would not be a bad thing...it would mean my marriage is over because they would never let me spend another second with him . That's what scares me. I'm not over him. I've been with him since I was 17 he's the only one I've been with and I could never see myself with anyone else. I know I sound crazy
Author Mama_Bear Posted August 22, 2016 Author Posted August 22, 2016 He doesn't touch your daughter does he? No he would never
elaine567 Posted August 22, 2016 Posted August 22, 2016 No going to my parents would not be a bad thing...it would mean my marriage is over because they would never let me spend another second with him . And why would they do that? They would do that because he is abusing and raping their daughter, that is why. He will only get worse, he doesn't love you, he is using you. How bad does it need to get? Please get out and take your daughter with you.
ChickiePops Posted August 22, 2016 Posted August 22, 2016 No he would never So he only rapes adults..well that's..nope, it's still not good. Don't let your attachment to him cloud your intelligence. He is a rapist, not a husband, and you should start keeping mace in your bedside table if you're not going to leave him.
PegNosePete Posted August 22, 2016 Posted August 22, 2016 it would mean my marriage is overI know I sound crazy Yes, sorry to say you do. Wanting to spend any time with a man who treats you this badly sounds utterly crazy to me. You need to tell your parents and let them help you GET OUT of this terrible situation and shambles of a marriage. You love him in the same way a heroin addict loves the drugs. You are addicted to him even though he is destroying your life. You need to GET OUT. Forget about finding someone else, who cares about that? Spend time with people who really care about you, like your parents and daughter. No he would never I bet you would've said the same thing about him abusing you, when you first met him? 1
jen1447 Posted August 22, 2016 Posted August 22, 2016 A lot of women in your shoes have nowhere to go so you should consider yourself lucky you've got an escape hatch. Get out now - it's not getting better and likely never will. 3
Timshel Posted August 22, 2016 Posted August 22, 2016 Mama_Bear, you want to know if there is some 'trick' some magical action/words that allow staying where you are and teach your husband empathy. You want someone to tell you that if you do xyz, he will come around and not have sex with you while you cry....that he will treat you with respect. There are no words or actions to stop him while you are there. There are no words or actions to stop him while you are there. Go to your parents and tell them your married life.....not for yourself, at the moment, but for your obligation as a mother. What harm could this be after all...time apart is needed. You do need to gather your self and thoughts. You need not view a separation as the end of your marriage, instead, being mindful of your marriage and your daughter's future is meaningful. Go to your parents and begin counseling to sort out where you are and what it is that you plan to be in your lifetime as a human being and mother. You say that you love him.....if this is true, a separation and introspection is no threat to your love. It is a thoughtful evaluation of changes needed to keep from continuing down a hurtful/wrong path.
central Posted August 22, 2016 Posted August 22, 2016 Love is NOT enough. Get out, file for divorce. Be safe. 1
privategal Posted August 22, 2016 Posted August 22, 2016 No going to my parents would not be a bad thing...it would mean my marriage is over because they would never let me spend another second with him . That's what scares me. I'm not over him. I've been with him since I was 17 he's the only one I've been with and I could never see myself with anyone else. I know I sound crazy Counseling will help your confused mind. Often people love their abusers , it's because your mind is clouded. You need help to sort your emotions. Please call your Mom. Today. 2
Timshel Posted August 22, 2016 Posted August 22, 2016 Love is NOT enough. Get out, file for divorce. Be safe. Physical separation will clear the mind. OP would have done this ^ years ago if she had the tenacity.
Pollyannaslim Posted August 28, 2016 Posted August 28, 2016 (edited) Oh my friend, I am so sorry you are going through this. Any kind of abuse is NEVER okay… under any circumstances. No one should ever be forced or manipulated into having sex – even when married… NO MEANS NO. Sex between a H/W is one of the most precious given gifts from God to connect and express LOVE for one another! I do understand that you love your husband, HOWEVER, both your physical and emotional well-being and that of your child are of the utmost importance. If you haven’t already, it is my hope that you will talk with your parents and ask them for help. You need not travel this difficult road alone! In addition to your parents, there are so many people who are available and WILLING to help you in any way they possibly can. Do you feel comfortable reaching out to your local pastor? Many who are in crisis have found immeasurable strength through the love, support and prayer in their local church community. Although you mentioned your husband is resistant to counseling, would you consider going on your own? A qualified professional will provide you with the skills to help you sort out the confusion in order to make the best decisions for YOU and your child at this point in time. It is not my place to tell you what you should do, and although I think it is wonderful when a couple can work through their problems together, I must say that I do agree with most every response to your post, in that some temporary space between you and your H may be the best thing. Yes, it can be difficult and downright scary, but there are times where it’s necessary in order to create a healthy boundary for oneself – especially in an abusive situation. I honestly do know how hard all of this is for you. I will keep you in my prayers. God is powerful and has the ability to change the most dire of circumstances. In Him you can find strength and peace. You WILL get through this Edited May 8, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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