First fight... How to proceed now?

[aisuru]

I've been dating somebody for four months who I'm pretty darned compatible with. I'm 40, he is 42. We both have solid careers and each make a very healthy income. Neither of us have been married or have kids. We have very similar views on morals, politics, and religion. Our temperaments and activity levels, along with what we want to do in the next twenty years are very similar. We are probably both a bit commitment phobic but we've both expressed interest in being married, and possibly having kids.

 

He is a police officer and as such works 3 twelve hour shifts every week. So that rules out 3 out of 7 days of the week we can see each other. And I have noticed if he gets his 4th day of the week to transition between police work and personal world, he does better. So I usually see him on the weekends Friday and/or Saturday night (with overnight). Rarely during the week now that we stay overnight on the weekend and most weekends go from Friday to Sunday.

 

Recently, he's been on forced hire 1-2 days a week due to summer events in our town. This means he's working 4-5 days a week so with our individual activities with our jobs and our friends, we haven't seen each other as much the past two weeks.

 

We are not heavy email or text communicators when we're not together and that is fine by me.

 

So this past Friday we went out on a date. Lovely dinner where we caught up and planned a Hawaii trip we're planning for October. Then we went and had drinks at another restaurant in the area. While having drinks, he kept playing with my stomach fat a bit.

 

As we were walking back home, he was playing with my stomach fat again, so I asked, "Is this going to bother you in ten years?" He said yes. That he likes skinny women.

 

So side note. I have always been super fit until about 18 months ago. Like barely any fat and super toned. And thin. Not even a thick athletic build. Half Marathons and Triathlons. FIT. Then I was in two car accidents in less than two years (and another one last month, sigh). Due to my back and neck issues with 5 herniated discs, I haven't been as active or fit. So my stomach is soft and I'm carrying about 25 extra lbs right now. He seemed okay about this in the beginning. I finally was cleared to work with a personal trainer just this week so I'll be ramping back up but have to do it slowly to minimize injury.

 

That night, while walking after what he said, all I kept thinking is, "I'm not good enough. I'm not good enough." Now, some of that was the alcohol talking to me and exposing my own insecurities. I also do not want to date somebody fat. But I'm really struggling with limited exercise ability right now. Which he knows. I've been very clear with him that I won't date fat people and he has said same.

 

Needless to say, we got into an argument on the way home. Lots of words were spoken between us. I vaguely recall something about if he didn't want to date me he didn't have to, but that I really liked him and just needed to know that he liked me too. And I vaguely recall him saying he liked me too. I remember kissing him good night and then he went home, texting me when he got home safely.

 

Anyway... I haven't heard a peep from him since. I texted him a simple apology for how things went last night, but silence. It's been more than 24 hours since I sent a text and we've never not responded to each other in that amount of time, at least within a couple hours.

 

So I'm starting to worry... We never had a conversation of being "exclusive" but I think that was pretty clear in our behaviors the past four months. Are we over now? Do I give him some space? Do I write an email? Text? ARGH. I'm worried my apology text was too vague, especially if he thinks I don't want to see him again. *sigh*

 

He works the next 4 days and I really don't want to stress him out due to his work, but at the same time, I can't imagine going several days without knowing what's going on.

 

I could use some advice. I'm not ready to end this relationship but maybe I have rose colored glasses. I don't know.

 

Again, his comment about my weight doesn't completely bother me. It surprised me and stung a bit. But it's true. He's fit and I want to be fit again. Maybe we're shallow. I don't know.

 

I know I'm fighting a very real struggle to text him tonight so welcome your thoughts.

[ExpatInItaly]

What exactly was said during the argument?

[Versacehottie]

This is just general broad stroke (assumes your apology was a good one and that there are no major issues lurking between you two): don't do more than your apology. You did it and presumably he was at fault too. It was an argument so the goal as a couple should be to come to a place of greater understanding of each other at the bare minimum and acknowledge your apology. Right now the ball is in his court. So unless you want to set up a bad pattern with him, then let him make the next move. Good luck

[aisuru]

What exactly was said during the argument?

 

I don't recall it exactly. Alcohol.

 

But basically I got quiet after what he said about being with skinny women.

 

What I do remember:

 

Him: Did I want him to lie when I ask questions like that?

Me: No. I do not want any lying. Be honest. Be patient.

Him: Did I ask him that question to start a fight?

Me: No. I don't want to fight.

Him: He doesn't want to fight either.

Me: *crying*

Me: I know you don't like crying women but this hit a soft spot.

 

I don't really remember some of the other stuff, but do recall me saying that I really liked him and it would to know how he felt about me. And he responded that he really liked me too. I definitely remember that.

 

But I feel a vague memory of him saying something to which I was like, whatever and feel like that may have been me insinuating I didn't need to continue dating him. Or something along those lines. I'm not 100% certain.

 

But on that part I'm fuzzy.

 

We kissed when he dropped me off but at some point I know he stopped being interested in the kissing.

 

I remember very clearly while we were fighting that I wanted to say we were too drunk to have this conversation. But I didn't. Because I didn't want to appear not lucid. I should have said it.

 

*sigh*

 

My text last night only said, "I'm really sorry for how things ended last night. I'm sorry."

 

So if I did insinuate I didn't want to be with him anymore, and he's taking me at my word for that (which I don't know what I said specifically), then that text could mean nothing.

 

So I've been debating emailing something brief and how perhaps it's time for us to discuss relationship expectations, etc. Which is what I think the root of this argument was.

 

I don't know...

[Sunkissedpatio]

He sounds like an insensitive jerk, sorry to be so blunt. Who does that? Plays with a woman's stomach roll and then admits he only dates skinny women. How old are we again?

 

If a guy ever disrespected me like that I'd tell him to go file his request in the suggestion box and I'd point to the nearest garbage can.

 

Don't say another word more to him, you apologized (not sure for what) already and you don't need to grovel or make any more promises to change. Go ahead and get fit if that is your desire but do not let this bully emotionally abuse you into doing something to keep him.

[Ami1uwant]

You have to respect him being honest....even if what he said upset you or hurt your feelings.

 

How fit is he? How many doughnuts has he eaten? If he is very fit then it's a bigger deal to him, if he has extra pounds he is a hypocrit.

 

If he has only been dating you for a few months then he hasn't seen you when you were really fit which might have made this a far bigger deal to him. He has seen you as you are since you have dated. It's somewhat typical you see in relationships where one is trying to nudge the other to make a change they would prefer.

[Sunkissedpatio]

This is called controlling, shallow and mean. I can't even understand what your logic must be - none of it seems even adequately reasonable.

 

She shouldn't need to change one thing to please his needs. That's just so wrong.

 

I was thinking the exact same thing. Already showing signs of controlling abusive tendencies.

 

You have to respect him being honest....even if what he said upset you or hurt your feelings.

 

There is nothing to respect about how he did this. If you want to tell a person you prefer fit partners over a few extra lbs find a tactful and loving way to discuss it you do not repeatedly pull tug and poke at a woman's body part and tell her you prefer lean women.

 

Would he like it if the roles were reversed and she started to poke his penis repeatedly in a jokey manner an said to him "Aww look at your little itty bitty crotch it's so teeny weeny and silly. In the past all the men I was with were really hung. I prefer hung men"

 

What he did is demonstrate his grossly controlling and incredibly immature tendencies. Not good qualities to see in a man you are just getting to know.

[BaileyB]

I agree. He may have been honest, but what he did and said seems insensitive and unkind. I don't think you owe him another apology. If anything, I think he needs to learn to be more considerate of your feelings.

[O'Malley]

His behavior was crass, unhealthy and a passion/relationship killer. It's also an eye opener as to what you can anticipate in the future when he finds your appearance or actions lacking in his opinion. Unless you were soliciting genuine, constructive feedback - about how you could get into better shape, or if an outfit truly flattered you or not - he should have kept his comments to himself (he certainly should have kept his hands to himself). He can have his preferences and opinions, but as your partner he should keep quiet about his perception of your imperfections - he obviously has his own. The fact that he hasn't reached out to you to apologize also speaks volumes.

 

If he feels that critical about you, then he needs to get out of the relationship. You need to be with a partner who has far more maturity and empathy.

[Redhead14]

I think I would have said something like "wow, you prefer thinner women? I prefer men who are more sensitive and well-endowed. It's been nice anyway . . . "

[bachdude]

Jeeees, what an a%$!

 

 

Who says to a marathoner who takes fitness as seriously as you do, that he is concerned about a little extra weight you put on due to two accidents??

 

 

And he wasn't honest. He played with your stomach as a hint before YOU finally brought it up!

[Grapesofwrath]

Aisuru: What a lousy experience. I'm sorry for the anxiety and worry you are now feeling. I agree with others that you've done what you can, and he is now showing you what kind of man he is. By not responding to your text or reaching out to you some way to resolve the conflict, he is demonstrating that he doesn't think about your feelings or concerns.

 

Others have pointed out the various ways in which his treatment of you is unacceptable. All good points. Don't overlook the significance, however, of how he goes dark when there is conflict. The ability to handle conflict and solve problems together is the hallmark of a successful relationship. You've got your first opportunity to see how he works in that realm. Poor showing, I'm afraid.

[aisuru]

Have you decided how to proceed? If it's over or if you're still waiting on him to contact you?

 

Thanks for checking in.

 

I had decided not to initiate any further contact with him. He reached out yesterday asking if we could meet soon. I said that yes we need to talk.

 

Again, this is a relationship I am not personally ready to end, but at the same time, I was not going to plead and beg for. I see the behaviors of concern but I'm not prepared to write him off just yet.

 

We'll be meeting and my own plan is that I'll be addressing the following, 1) what is our relationship exactly, 2) it is unacceptable to go silent due to work or because he's mad because of a fight between us. even if he is mad from a fight and needs space, he should tell me so out of respect for whatever relationship we do have, and 3) the unknown of our relationship has caused some insecurities of mine so when he commits certain behaviors, they will set me off emotionally.

 

I know so many of you are bent about him playing with my stomach fat or commenting that he prefers dating skinny women but the reality is that he and I have been very honest about our physical desires and who we are attracted to. For me to get cross at him for being honest here would be disingenuous and dishonest to what we have already discussed.

 

I believe there is a way for me to tell him how this hurt my feelings unexpectedly with some of this behavior and words that does not discredit the honesty we established about this a long time ago.

 

If he continues these actions and comments after this conversation, then I will have more to consider. But I'm okay with this prepared approach.

 

Thanks again to everybody for their comments and perspectives.

[aisuru]

Aisuru: What a lousy experience. I'm sorry for the anxiety and worry you are now feeling. I agree with others that you've done what you can, and he is now showing you what kind of man he is. By not responding to your text or reaching out to you some way to resolve the conflict, he is demonstrating that he doesn't think about your feelings or concerns.

 

Others have pointed out the various ways in which his treatment of you is unacceptable. All good points. Don't overlook the significance, however, of how he goes dark when there is conflict. The ability to handle conflict and solve problems together is the hallmark of a successful relationship. You've got your first opportunity to see how he works in that realm. Poor showing, I'm afraid.

 

Thank you for your empathetic response and thoughts. This was probably the most helpful post on this thread. Not that I didn't read the other responses. Just that this one spoke the most to me.

 

So thank you. Thank you for not getting all crazy about him or telling me what I should do. Thank you!!!

[Lois_Griffin]

Then we went and had drinks at another restaurant in the area. While having drinks, he kept playing with my stomach fat a bit.

Stop making excuses for some miscreant who 'plays' with your stomach fat in public. What the hell is wrong with this fool?

As we were walking back home, he was playing with my stomach fat again...

Who the hell DOES this? What a pig.

so I asked, "Is this going to bother you in ten years?" He said yes. That he likes skinny women.

So is your self esteem so low that you're willing to disrespect yourself and do whatever it takes to hold onto some jerk with a God complex?

Due to my back and neck issues with 5 herniated discs, I haven't been as active or fit. So my stomach is soft and I'm carrying about 25 extra lbs right now. He seemed okay about this in the beginning. I finally was cleared to work with a personal trainer just this week so I'll be ramping back up but have to do it slowly to minimize injury.

Are you done making excuses for why you're not good enough for this assclown?

Anyway... I haven't heard a peep from him since. I texted him a simple apology for how things went last night, but silence. It's been more than 24 hours since I sent a text and we've never not responded to each other in that amount of time, at least within a couple hours.

YOU apologized to him? Good lord. Talk about setting a BAD precedent.

 

Do you honestly think this guy is such a damned prize that you're willing to swallow your pride and jump all over like a trained seal desperately trying to become what he wants? I'm here to tell you - he's NOT.

So I'm starting to worry... We never had a conversation of being "exclusive" but I think that was pretty clear in our behaviors the past four months. Are we over now? Do I give him some space? Do I write an email? Text? ARGH. I'm worried my apology text was too vague, especially if he thinks I don't want to see him again. *sigh*

I'm going to be blunt here. Hhe acted like a complete a*sshole. Do NOT suck up to him because all that will do is tell him that he can treat you like crap and you'll STILL come begging for him to come back. Where is your pride?

I could use some advice. I'm not ready to end this relationship but maybe I have rose colored glasses. I don't know.

You'll get NO argument from me regarding those huge glasses you're wearing.

Again, his comment about my weight doesn't completely bother me. It surprised me and stung a bit. But it's true. He's fit and I want to be fit again. Maybe we're shallow. I don't know.

Stop making excuses for his unacceptable behavior. Like most cops, give this one another 10 years of sitting in his cruiser and eating donuts and he'll be fat and bald just like most of the others his age - but he'll still think he's 'hot' enough to pull the skinny women. But the difference HERE is that you won't play with his stomach fat and say douche bag things to him about it.

 

Being 'honest' is one thing. Being a complete egotistical douche bag is another.

[JoeSmith357-1]

Why do you want to date a cop, they are all such pretentious, self-righteous dicks

[Sunkissedpatio]

I know so many of you are bent about him playing with my stomach fat or commenting that he prefers dating skinny women but the reality is that he and I have been very honest about our physical desires and who we are attracted to. For me to get cross at him for being honest here would be disingenuous and dishonest to what we have already discussed.

 

"Many of us are getting bent?" You seemed quite bent yourself in the OP, which is why you fought to begin with. You want to just brush it off now as overreacting because you had some booze in your? Ok.

 

Still doesn't change the fact that he acted like and insensitive control freak.

 

There are loving and respectful ways to have that discussion and then there is what he did.

 

Good luck.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Why do you want to date a cop, they are all such pretentious, self-righteous dicks

 

That made me

 

But all kidding aside, I know some really nice ones that do not fit that bill.

[Kamille]

I've been in a relationship where I wasn't allowed to "change the rules" and where I was bullied if I got upset at my ex's insensitive comments because "he was just being honest". It was also always up to me to apologize first.

 

By the end of that (8 months) relationship I was exhausted. I am not the kind of person who can be in a relationship with such a rigid partner. I need to be able to explore and express my feeling. I need to trust that when I am hurt, my partner will first want to care about making me feel better, instead of making it feel like it's my fault for having hurt feelings.

 

Maybe your personality meshes better with the kind of person he is. But both these things (never changing the rules and being "honest") don't excuse your partner from having to care about how his actions make you feel.

[Leigh 87]

Wow.

 

So... if he is wiling to end it over the fact his actions made you cry and hurt your feelings ( which by the way, is totally understandable), then all I can say is: he just wasn't all that into you after all!

 

After 2 dates perhaps. After 4 months, he should be over the moon and head over heels about you; little tiffs like this should absolutely not cause the silent treatment! Or worse- a break up before things even got started!

 

My bf likes thin and fit women too and yet my weight gain hasn't bothered him.

Both my friend and I gained heaps of weight since meeting our partners at one stage. They acted just as attracted as ever. Although mine did notice, he didn't make me feel like crap about it. He even made efforts to describe how much more attracted he has become to me despite the weight gain.

 

It is fine to have our preferences.. but ever since my ex back in mid 2013...... I made an effort to ONLY date men who were ENAMOURED with me. I find these types of guys are so into me and my looks, that they really don't notice or care about weight gain.

 

What is more concerning, is the committment phobic tendencies and the fact it has been 4 months with no falling in love or relationship talk. I find that when people fall hard enough, it doesn't take this long to have the talk or declare your feelings.

 

 

 

Good luck.

[Leigh 87]

Oh- and ignoring your text was even worse than his other remarks.

 

It is just not nice to keep people waiting and even guessing as to the outcome of their fledging relationship.

 

I am so sorry. I hope he gets back to you soon either way.

 

I don't get how some people feel comfortable with leaving others hanging.

 

As easy as it is to urge you to block delete and cut off contact with this insensitive jerk, the truth is, it is hard to find someone we are into. Who also wants to date us, that is.

 

So I hope he contacts you soon to smooth things over.

 

I am sure you know better than to reach out at this stage unless he does first.

[SunnySide0418]

Thanks for checking in.

 

I had decided not to initiate any further contact with him. He reached out yesterday asking if we could meet soon. I said that yes we need to talk.

 

Again, this is a relationship I am not personally ready to end, but at the same time, I was not going to plead and beg for. I see the behaviors of concern but I'm not prepared to write him off just yet.

 

We'll be meeting and my own plan is that I'll be addressing the following, 1) what is our relationship exactly, 2) it is unacceptable to go silent due to work or because he's mad because of a fight between us. even if he is mad from a fight and needs space, he should tell me so out of respect for whatever relationship we do have, and 3) the unknown of our relationship has caused some insecurities of mine so when he commits certain behaviors, they will set me off emotionally.

 

I know so many of you are bent about him playing with my stomach fat or commenting that he prefers dating skinny women but the reality is that he and I have been very honest about our physical desires and who we are attracted to. For me to get cross at him for being honest here would be disingenuous and dishonest to what we have already discussed.

 

I believe there is a way for me to tell him how this hurt my feelings unexpectedly with some of this behavior and words that does not discredit the honesty we established about this a long time ago.

 

If he continues these actions and comments after this conversation, then I will have more to consider. But I'm okay with this prepared approach.

 

Thanks again to everybody for their comments and perspectives.

 

So when are you meeting up?

[ChickiePops]

I think I would have said something like "wow, you prefer thinner women? I prefer men who are more sensitive and well-endowed. It's been nice anyway . . . "

 

Quoting because this made me laugh.

 

 

OP, only you can decide how offended you are by what he said and did. I personally am very sensitive about my weight (I'm also carrying a few extra pounds right now, but my fiancé doesn't mind because a lot of it is in my enormous rack, ha) but you might not be.

 

 

Regardless of agreements and previous conversations, it sounds like his comments were unprovoked. Did you ask his opinion on your physique? Were you talking about body types when he grabbed your belly? If not, then I would have been completely turned off by that.

 

 

Do what you like but, as another poster said, please don't justify his rudeness to yourself. What he did was flat out rude.

[dcamnc]

OP, as an insensitive dick myself, this guy isn't going to change. He's trying to break you down, so you do what he wants. Just an opinion from the horse's mouth. I would move on unless you want to be subjected to more of the same.

[aisuru]

Did he ask you out for this weekend? How's his mood seem?

 

We made plans for dinner last Thursday night at a restaurant between our homes and that is when and where we talked things out. He initiated the conversation after dinner was over about the argument which I must admit is refreshing to have in a partner versus them pretending nothing happened.

 

Through the course of our talk, I learned he had originally been mad about some things I said in the argument (he felt like I set him up for a fight) but when discussing with a married male friend of his, his friend told him the fight was nothing compared to the fights/arguments you have when you're married, to get over it, and to fix it if he cared about me. Incidentally, that's the night he finally texted me after being silent for two days.

 

Anyway...

 

I'm not going to lie. I appreciate that he shared the details of the argument with a male friend who was able to help him gain perspective. I also appreciate he initiated the conversation after dinner to talk about the argument so we could talk things out. I'm not great at that myself. This was a great opportunity for us to discuss some things and in some ways I believe this brought us closer together.

 

We had a conversation about our relationship, how we feel about each other, our communication styles, our relationship expectations, about how it's not acceptable to go radio silent when you're mad, i.e. at least just say you need space to think things through. I think he was a bit surprised that I didn't chase him and I told him flat out I wasn't going to contact him again if I didn't hear from him after that fight/argument. I also talked about what he said that upset me and I think we came out of the conversation with a greater understanding of each other. We both shared a lot of things that night and I must say it may have brought us just a little bit closer.

 

We ended up spending all day Saturday, Saturday night, Sunday, and Sunday night together as well. There was a lot of time planning out our upcoming Hawaii trip later this fall which we're both looking forward to.

 

I appreciate everybody's perspectives and insights. I wasn't really sure what would happen after the fight/argument but I am pleased that the outcome seems to be worth it.