Having a low moment...could use some encouragement

[Toodaloo]

Green cove.

 

Look at my avie. Am I happy or sad?

 

A photo could be caught at a strange time. It could be that someone had just told a funny joke and they caught him just right before he went back to being miserable again... A photo is just a snapshot of that one moment. A split second in time.

 

People are also very good at putting on "faces". So while their public face may look as though everything is fine under it all they may feel just plain awful. With practice some get really really good at their public "face"...

 

I accepted a really long time ago that corporate just isn't for me. I will never be rich but I will also never be a number. Does it stop me from doing what I want to do? It slows me down some but I still go and do it.

 

You can write from a cafe. Look at J K Rowling! Do not let a lack of funds stop you. You will figure it out. You can travel on a budget and get work as you go. Plenty of people do...

[lana-banana]

GC, do you think you'd have a similar reaction to the picture if you were in a better place in life? If you were happily married with a kid or two, would you feel indignant about your ex being happy too? If not, why not?

 

Everyone is capable of change. You aren't condemned to being unhappy forever just as the people who were jerks in the past don't always stay that way. Statements like "I really doubt he did any emotional work" are ridiculous and frankly unfair---you don't know what happened in his life any more than he knows about yours. Life is full of surprises, good and bad, for all of us.

 

I think you are excessively fixated on maintaining certain beliefs, whether about yourself or your exes, and you struggle to accept information that doesn't fit these beliefs. Rather than agonize over why he's happy now and you aren't, why not let go of your notions and try genuine acceptance? Things are as they are. Some people are doing great. Some aren't. It's not a moral judgment or consequence of behavior. It just is.

 

Toodaloo is spot-on. You can't compare your path to anyone else's. Yours is the only one that matters. The happiness of others doesn't invalidate your own experience. Live for you.

[jen1447]

Good exercise. 1) I want to see myself become the artist I know I was meant to be. 2) I want to be able to make a meaningful contribution to the quality of people's lives through my ideas. 3) I want a loving, supportive companion who inspires me and with whom we can share all life's adventures, in joy and sorrow, from the mundane to the carrying out of the crazy schemes we devise together.

 

I am in the process of fulfilling #1 and it's hard because it's by definition a long, slow, arduous, solitary process. The fulfillment of #1 would automatically partially fulfill #2, but in the process since I have to work a day job I would like to be in one where I feel I contribute meaningfully to the things that impact people's quality of life. #3 I can deal with being single but it's really hard when being single also means being socially isolated, which I am now. I truly feel invisible and just deathly alone. I don't know how to fix this.

 

I feel your hug; thanks

 

Would you consider yourself an extrovert GC? I notice all 3 things involve getting satisfaction from making others happy to some degree (or just affecting others positively). It's a much taller order to make others happy than just yourself.

 

btw - as an artist, you realize it's your job to be miserable, right?

[BC1980]

So how did he seem to get through life these past ten years so swimmingly, while I have struggled and have none of the markers of success for an almost 40-year-old person? I really doubt he did any work to overcome his emotional reticence, distance and rigidity. So did all that just...fix itself as the years passed? If so, then why have I had to work so hard to try to change some of my unhealthy relationship patterns? Why has it been so hard for me to make friends? To succeed in a job enough that I make a truly good living?

 

You're asking a variation of: why do good things happen to bad people and vice versa? That is a profound question. Such a profound question that religions seek to answer it. We have all asked some variation of this question because I think it's part of the human experience. I was reading an article about why we believe what we believe, and the article made the point that we are hardwired to fill in the blanks when something is missing or when the information given doesn't follow a pattern we understand. The article was trying to explain religious beliefs, but I think that idea can be applied here as well. We can't just let things be. We need to fill in the blanks with answers. You saw that FB pic and filled in the blanks, assuming your ex was living the life of Riley.

 

As to why you haven't found a partner and had children while he has, some of it is probably dumb luck. I think we hate that answer because it means there is something out there we can't control. And that entire idea is very discomforting to any of us. We all crave security and stability, so the idea of dumb luck is an assault to that security. We are so reticent to accept the idea of luck/chance that we rail against it full force. I'm not saying that we play no part in our circumstances because we surely do. There are things we can control, but we can't control everything.

 

I have noticed that you circle around to this idea quite often, so I know that it troubles you. You want the fact that you have worked so hard to make yourself better to reap a tangible reward. You feel that there should be a direct correlation to how hard you have worked on your interpersonal development to finding a partner or just happiness in general. There is a correlation, but it's not direct. It's not 2 + 2= 4. And that just stinks. I get it. I think that having a partner is a key to a fulfilling life. I really do. But we can't control it completely. So the only thing we can do is practice acceptance and make the most of our blessings.

[BC1980]

I do have a best friend back east who would love it if I moved back. My other friends from when I lived back east have mostly all scattered, or the friendships are no longer. What made this breakup really hard was that it was the last among friendships / romances where I realized the relationship was one-sided. I had to drop a number of friends, people I thought at one time were close friends. It was hard. I had hoped that I could rebuild, living here, and that has proven hugely difficult, as well--but I can't tell if it's really all the culture of the place, or whether it's all I've been through.

 

I think you should start actively looking for jobs back east where your friend lives. I think you have tried to make a go of it in Colorado, and it didn't pan out. You hate your job, and that is a big deal. I think you need to look for a job that better suits you. One that like you said, can utilize your talents. I'm not saying that moving is the key to happiness because your problems will follow you wherever you go. But certainly, the lack of support where you are isn't helping anything.

 

About 10 years ago, I moved to TX for a short time to pursue a PhD, and I actually realized that I valued my support system back home over a PhD. I found another career (nursing) that allows me to live anywhere I want to. My problems followed me to TX and back home, but I found that having a support system made a lot of difference in my general level of happiness. Besides, getting a PhD in any humanity is not a good career move at this time. So I decided to prioritize financial security and my support system over a PhD. I have not regretted that decision.

[Zapbasket]

Thanks for the replies and the support. Of course, none of this was really about my ex-bf or any ex-bf at all, just about me feeling really lonely and unsure how to find my way to greater contentment.

 

I'm not moving back east. That part of my life is complete, and even though my best friend lives there, she's busy being a new mom and has obligations to her husband and family that all live nearby, and we're just in different places in our lives right now.

 

I am enrolled in a writing mentorship program headquartered in the city about 200 miles away from me, and I will meet some new people that way especially through the weekend intensives that come up every three months. That's a great change moreso because it has me working on my book in a disciplined way. The only thing is that writing a book is such an uncertain, solitary and time-consuming process that I can't expect immediate gratification from this work, even while deep down I know this is the best move I could have made.

 

I also have been meeting one-on-one every two weeks with the head of the leadership training arm of my company's HR department. We meet at a coffee shop and I don't think either of us is sure where our liaison might lead, but we bounce ideas off one another and for my part, it is helpful that someone from my company understands my frustrations with my boss and my current position. I feel she recognizes my talent and the specific strengths I have that are not at all being utilized, and as she seeks to expand her department it's possible I could have a role there. No idea where any of this could lead, but our meetings in the meantime help in that I feel seen and validated. Also, the Exec. Assistant to the company CEO is a good sounding board, though she apologizes that she's unsure what to advise me to do except that I need to leave my current position.

 

The thing is, there is no one and no place I can really "move back" to at this time in my life. I could move to where my mother is, but our relationship is so confusing and challenging that even though I love her very much, I don't know if being closer to her geographically could make me happier, or if I only wish it could. It might feel good to be where at least someone is familiar, and to whom I "belong," despite how rocky our relationship is. But other than her, where she lives isn't where I want to live so I'd literally be throwing all my eggs into the mom-basket.

 

So the question is, what kinds of changes can you make if you don't want to have to start 100% completely over? I spent years here in the mountains learning to adjust to a mountain lifestyle, and more than just joe-schmo hikes here and there I've cultivated some real recreational passions that make me very happy save for the fact that I do them alone, which makes me lonely. I worked hard for this, and I know if I just wantonly throw it all away, it just won't feel right. Maybe to set it aside for something specific; it's not enough just to move in hopes of making more and better and truer friends. I mean, before living in the mountains, I lived in a large city, and it can be just as hard to make true friends there as it is here. It's just that in a large city I have more opportunity to meet more people who match my intellectual interests than I am meeting here. I feel very intellectually lonely.

 

I just don't know what is the right solution. I'm definitely not just sitting stagnant. In fantasy it sounds great to just throw everything over my shoulder, pack up everything and be in a new place, but at this stage of my life it seems foolish to just throw everything into the wind...especially given I'm not rich and moving and adjusting to life somewhere else initially costs a lot of money.

 

Perhaps BC1980 is right that I need to keep practicing acceptance, and be patient that once I finally have a manuscript of my first book, there will at least be the joy of finally having the courage to be true to myself as an artist. But I don't want this "practice of acceptance" to become "complacency"--though my surges of frustration lately remind me that it's impossible for me to just be complacent in my situation.

[preraph]

Life isn't fair. Some people seem to do okay without even trying while others flounder trying as hard as they can. I had a similar circumstance with an old bf who has cruised through his career whereas I lost mine mainly due to him and he always has a good job and money, where I have to work all the time to just pay the bills But he did have a big catastrophe awhile back and it gave me some sympathy for him and we're friends now a little bit. Part of our disparity is just he's a guy and I'm not. In our career, the men always were more permanent and paid twice as much. Life just isn't fair.

 

But you have to not dwell on that and realize we do all have our own paths. I don't believe everything is predestined or there's any diety micromanaging our lives. I think we have brains and we're supposed to use them just as I believe we shouldn't wait for bad people to die before they have consequences and think we have a duty to do what we can when it's within our power to keep others from getting hurt.

 

You have this particular life to do with whatever you want, and no one has more control over that than you do. If you are a person who does your best, even when you feel you fail, you have the satisfaction of knowing you gave it everything you had, and that is a reward in itself.

 

He has his path and you have yours. It's not a competition. While living well is the best revenge, that usually means you just do what you want to do and stay focused on making yourself happy with no regard for what he's doing. He has no power if you don't give it to him. He will have ups and downs and no one knows what is behind that smile on the photo. Doesn't matter. He was your past and your present and future are strictly within your control, so get busy doing things you enjoy as much as you can in between paying the bills and if you're ever able to merge those two things, great. If not, you're like most of us. Good luck.

 

And if you're lonely, get yourself a house with a backyard and a dog door and get a couple of dogs. They're more loyal and loving than people will ever be, I promise.

[mrs rubble]

Thanks for the replies and the support. Of course, none of this was really about my ex-bf or any ex-bf at all, just about me feeling really lonely and unsure how to find my way to greater contentment.

 

I'm not moving back east. That part of my life is complete, and even though my best friend lives there, she's busy being a new mom and has obligations to her husband and family that all live nearby, and we're just in different places in our lives right now.

 

I am enrolled in a writing mentorship program headquartered in the city about 200 miles away from me, and I will meet some new people that way especially through the weekend intensives that come up every three months. That's a great change moreso because it has me working on my book in a disciplined way. The only thing is that writing a book is such an uncertain, solitary and time-consuming process that I can't expect immediate gratification from this work, even while deep down I know this is the best move I could have made.

 

I also have been meeting one-on-one every two weeks with the head of the leadership training arm of my company's HR department. We meet at a coffee shop and I don't think either of us is sure where our liaison might lead, but we bounce ideas off one another and for my part, it is helpful that someone from my company understands my frustrations with my boss and my current position. I feel she recognizes my talent and the specific strengths I have that are not at all being utilized, and as she seeks to expand her department it's possible I could have a role there. No idea where any of this could lead, but our meetings in the meantime help in that I feel seen and validated. Also, the Exec. Assistant to the company CEO is a good sounding board, though she apologizes that she's unsure what to advise me to do except that I need to leave my current position.

 

The thing is, there is no one and no place I can really "move back" to at this time in my life. I could move to where my mother is, but our relationship is so confusing and challenging that even though I love her very much, I don't know if being closer to her geographically could make me happier, or if I only wish it could. It might feel good to be where at least someone is familiar, and to whom I "belong," despite how rocky our relationship is. But other than her, where she lives isn't where I want to live so I'd literally be throwing all my eggs into the mom-basket.

 

So the question is, what kinds of changes can you make if you don't want to have to start 100% completely over? I spent years here in the mountains learning to adjust to a mountain lifestyle, and more than just joe-schmo hikes here and there I've cultivated some real recreational passions that make me very happy save for the fact that I do them alone, which makes me lonely. I worked hard for this, and I know if I just wantonly throw it all away, it just won't feel right. Maybe to set it aside for something specific; it's not enough just to move in hopes of making more and better and truer friends. I mean, before living in the mountains, I lived in a large city, and it can be just as hard to make true friends there as it is here. It's just that in a large city I have more opportunity to meet more people who match my intellectual interests than I am meeting here. I feel very intellectually lonely.

 

I just don't know what is the right solution. I'm definitely not just sitting stagnant. In fantasy it sounds great to just throw everything over my shoulder, pack up everything and be in a new place, but at this stage of my life it seems foolish to just throw everything into the wind...especially given I'm not rich and moving and adjusting to life somewhere else initially costs a lot of money.

 

Perhaps BC1980 is right that I need to keep practicing acceptance, and be patient that once I finally have a manuscript of my first book, there will at least be the joy of finally having the courage to be true to myself as an artist. But I don't want this "practice of acceptance" to become "complacency"--though my surges of frustration lately remind me that it's impossible for me to just be complacent in my situation.

These passion's you talk of, is there any reason why you do them alone??

I noticed earlier in your thread you mentioned that you taught yourself to fly fish- Can you join an angler's club?? Can you join a ski club? Can you join a hiking club??? You also talk about getting fulfullment through helping others- maybe consider joining a Rotary club or Lion's club. I think if you can meet new people and form new bonds, it would be most helpful to you.

[Zapbasket]

These passion's you talk of, is there any reason why you do them alone??

I noticed earlier in your thread you mentioned that you taught yourself to fly fish- Can you join an angler's club?? Can you join a ski club? Can you join a hiking club??? You also talk about getting fulfullment through helping others- maybe consider joining a Rotary club or Lion's club. I think if you can meet new people and form new bonds, it would be most helpful to you.

 

I agree especially with the bolded.

 

Living in the mountains, there aren't really outdoor recreation "clubs" the way there are in cities. When I started climbing "Fourteeners," i.e., peaks exceeding 14k feet in elevation, I did join a specialty club based in the metropolitan area of this state, but after several hikes with them where people were unprepared or the so-called "leaders" would take off and leave everyone behind, I honestly felt safer going alone. Now, I'm more into route-finding (no actual trail) treks, and it's hard to find people who actually want to do these. Re: skiing, I work for a ski resort, where I now have a full-time desk job but am also a ski instructor part time. I like my fellow instructors, and a few are friends, but there just has never been the kind of connection that would make a day off on the slopes feel like a day skiing with friends, if that makes sense. And fly-fishing is the same--people just go on their own with friends or family and it's hard to penetrate the already established groups. I do go to free fly-fishing workshops held by local fly shops. These activities, especially hiking, backpacking, skiing and backcountry skiing, have become a real part of me; I'd feel a real loss if I lived away from the mountains.

 

I dunno--just no real connection people-wise. It's not like I'm socially awkward; just the opposite, in fact. I have no problems striking up conversations with people but it never seems to go anywhere. I've certainly felt like an oddball in other social settings in other places I've lived, because I am a bit of an outlier in many ways and have put myself in situations where that outlier identity is magnified. But what I've experienced here is strange, in terms of the prolonged loneliness, which is why I end up questioning and re-questioning continuing to live where I do. I wonder whether it is just the social culture here, or whether the fact that I had to privately grieve the loss of a relationship played into not being able to get close to people (because of having to hide my grief), or whether I just don't belong, or whether I'm just at a stage of life where I'm looking for more meaningful connection than just a "hiking buddy," or whether because I work in the ski industry and am surrounded by constant seasonal turnover relationships just tend not to get past a certain point. One of my coworkers who was a ski instructor for years at this resort and now works in marketing for the resort said that all her so-called friendships with other ski instructors fizzled out. There ARE people I care about and I know there are people who care about me, and I couldn't have said that a few years ago so there has been SOME progress, but I can't shake this feeling of isolation and of being socially not in my right element.

 

I mean, have any of you been in a situation like this?

 

In facing this present low and questioning of how to keep going forward, I am considering joining a church even though I'm not really religious, but I grew up attending church and it's familiar and so maybe that will help place me among a broader range of people living here. I'll look into Rotary, too.

[mrs rubble]

I agree especially with the bolded.

 

Living in the mountains, there aren't really outdoor recreation "clubs" the way there are in cities. When I started climbing "Fourteeners," i.e., peaks exceeding 14k feet in elevation, I did join a specialty club based in the metropolitan area of this state, but after several hikes with them where people were unprepared or the so-called "leaders" would take off and leave everyone behind, I honestly felt safer going alone. Now, I'm more into route-finding (no actual trail) treks, and it's hard to find people who actually want to do these. Re: skiing, I work for a ski resort, where I now have a full-time desk job but am also a ski instructor part time. I like my fellow instructors, and a few are friends, but there just has never been the kind of connection that would make a day off on the slopes feel like a day skiing with friends, if that makes sense. And fly-fishing is the same--people just go on their own with friends or family and it's hard to penetrate the already established groups. I do go to free fly-fishing workshops held by local fly shops. These activities, especially hiking, backpacking, skiing and backcountry skiing, have become a real part of me; I'd feel a real loss if I lived away from the mountains.

 

I dunno--just no real connection people-wise. It's not like I'm socially awkward; just the opposite, in fact. I have no problems striking up conversations with people but it never seems to go anywhere. I've certainly felt like an oddball in other social settings in other places I've lived, because I am a bit of an outlier in many ways and have put myself in situations where that outlier identity is magnified. But what I've experienced here is strange, in terms of the prolonged loneliness, which is why I end up questioning and re-questioning continuing to live where I do. I wonder whether it is just the social culture here, or whether the fact that I had to privately grieve the loss of a relationship played into not being able to get close to people (because of having to hide my grief), or whether I just don't belong, or whether I'm just at a stage of life where I'm looking for more meaningful connection than just a "hiking buddy," or whether because I work in the ski industry and am surrounded by constant seasonal turnover relationships just tend not to get past a certain point. One of my coworkers who was a ski instructor for years at this resort and now works in marketing for the resort said that all her so-called friendships with other ski instructors fizzled out. There ARE people I care about and I know there are people who care about me, and I couldn't have said that a few years ago so there has been SOME progress, but I can't shake this feeling of isolation and of being socially not in my right element.

 

I mean, have any of you been in a situation like this?

 

In facing this present low and questioning of how to keep going forward, I am considering joining a church even though I'm not really religious, but I grew up attending church and it's familiar and so maybe that will help place me among a broader range of people living here. I'll look into Rotary, too.

 

Yes! I felt incredibly lonely when my marriage ended, some days I cried because I worked alone and was raising my children alone, I'm an only child so grew up alone too and I just felt like I was somehow destined to live my whole life alone.

 

Joining a church is a great idea, I did this myself right after I split with my husband and it was a huge comfort to me.

 

Rotary is a great thing to be involved in, my parents are in Rotary and have travelled all over the place on Rotary missions and met some really neat people, my 23yo son is involved with the young Rotarians also- he's made some great connections through it too.

 

One day at a time, I hope you're feeling happier soon.

[Zapbasket]

Yes! I felt incredibly lonely when my marriage ended, some days I cried because I worked alone and was raising my children alone, I'm an only child so grew up alone too and I just felt like I was somehow destined to live my whole life alone.

 

Joining a church is a great idea, I did this myself right after I split with my husband and it was a huge comfort to me.

 

Rotary is a great thing to be involved in, my parents are in Rotary and have travelled all over the place on Rotary missions and met some really neat people, my 23yo son is involved with the young Rotarians also- he's made some great connections through it too.

 

One day at a time, I hope you're feeling happier soon.

 

Thanks, Mrs. Rubble; it sounds like you really understand and can relate. I'm an only child, too, and the past couple of years haven't been getting along well with my mom, which has compounded my sense of loneliness. And in addition to just the general lack of social connection, at work I feel this huge disconnect between where I want to be career-wise and where I feel I already am intellectually and emotionally within myself, and what my job function is. I am an admin assistant and my desk sits by the front door of the on-mountain office complex, so everyone who comes into the office or I have to talk to. You'd think that would make me feel less lonely, but it's just mindless conversation most of the time, and certainly I don't feel like there's any getting to know me or even that people are interested. It's exhausting because it's such drivel most of the time. And the rest of the time, people walk past my desk to go to the bathroom or for a meeting in the conference room behind my desk, so I'm basically The Woman that Everyone Walks By and on especially lonely days, it feels just miserable. Add to it that the office is a total dump and my boss is a Good Old Boy who while nice, just fundamentally doesn't respect me or my position and is a real "Mr. No" when I try to offer ideas. Lately I've been feeling a simmering anger, born of the unrelenting frustration, that here I am so much more educated and so much more intellectually endowed, with so many more talents than my boss and yet there I sit, making less money per hour than I made when I was in my early twenties and luck seemed to be with me everywhere I went (along with hard work and pluck, which always has been a constant with me).

 

It's hard to find a better job. I am looking. But I feel ready for more. I am a leader, I am analytical, I have endless ideas and the discipline to implement them, and I want to find a job that challenges me to actually use these abilities. I'm frustrated because I can't relate to my current coworkers from the actual level of my abilities, only from my menial role, and so I don't feel like I can showcase what I actually can do, or be related to for who I actually am.

 

I haven't left my house today, or seen anyone. I feel like I'm really needing quiet time to suss out what I can do to better my situation. Tomorrow I planned to go on this hike to a remote wilderness to find these amazing, geographically unusual lakes, and I feel myself dragging my heals to pack my pack because the thought of all the solitude is unbearable. Sometimes, though, I feel like I'd rather be alone in the woods than to feel alone with people who are not "my" people, i.e., to whom I feel no real connection.

 

Basically I can't shake this feeling that I'm a second-class citizen where I live. When I say it, it feels ridiculous, like I'm letting my negative thoughts get the better of my perspective, but I can't fully shake it. I feel like I exist in an alternate universe than the people around me. And when I talk to people, they'd never guess that I feel that way, because I am so socially adept, asking questions about them, sharing humor, just enjoying the exchange even while I feel like it's somehow completely empty.

 

Thanks for reading my vent, if anyone reads it. It helps to articulate what I'm feeling and especially to hear ways others may have dealt with a similar loneliness / career stagnation / whatever this is in their lives.

[BC1980]

Living alone can be very lonely. At least, living alone is lonely for me, but I doubt I am the only person who feels that way. I have noticed the emptiness more in recent years, and I think that is because I went from living with my ex and his son to living alone. I went from a situation where, for all intents and purposes, I had a family unit, and, now, I don't have any of that. I think the 180 switch from that made the loneliness that much greater. I kind of thought I would get used to it over time, but I really haven't. I still don't like it, and I would rather be living with a partner and our children.

 

And I never thought I would feel that way. Ever. I am not traditional in any sense of the word. I was never the girl who grew up with the intention of getting married and having kids. I was always much more focused on my education and career. But the really crazy thing is that I thrived in the role of partner and "mom" to my ex's kid. I loved all the domestic things about that relationship. So now, I feel that I am unnatural in some way. The older I get, the more I feel that it's natural to partner up and have a family. So when your parents die, you have your children, and so on and so forth. It all sounds so "caveman," but it also makes complete sense. So I feel alone and isolated like you GC. Even though I have a support system around me (which certainly makes things much better), I feel this deep hole of loneliness that I can't fix.

 

I think about how you don't have the support system I do. I have family, and 3 good friends around here. And yet, I'm still really lonely a lot of the time. Because my friend have their own families and their own lives. And while I love my family, parents and a sister are not a substitute for a partner and children. My parents and sister are my nuclear family right now, but I don't think that is the natural order of things at this stage in life. All of that sounds so traditional and old school, but it's how I'm feeling at the moment.

[Zapbasket]

BC1980, I could have written your post almost verbatim. Yes, yes, yes.

 

I always called my ex and his family "my Colorado family." Yes, I recognized it was dysfunctional--not only my ex and by extension, our relationship and by extension, me for staying; but also how his family enabled my ex, particularly his mom. But while it wasn't 100% healthy, I felt a sense of belonging, and I actually felt loved mainly by his mom and family but also by my ex, even while I disliked how his irritability, need to get under my skin and stuckness made me feel.

 

On particularly lonely days, I feel like I'd rather still be in that situation with him and his family than be in my current situation of feeling stuck at work--stuck, because my options for change that I've come up with so far require so much life upheaval, financial risk and uncertainty that it seems imprudent to act on any of these options for now. And stuck, because what little social connection and support I do have out here is tied to my current work, so if I leave it, I'll REALLY be alone.

 

Deep down, I do know that I am better off without that relationship with my ex and his family if nothing ever was to change. I do know that...and I know that the future I have the CHANCE of having now that I'm free of that relationship stands to be far better than what I'd have had in that relationship unless change had occurred on a seismic scale. I know that if I were still in that situation, I'd also feel really stuck and frustrated. It's just that now, I went through all the pain of the loss of that relationship, and instead of feeling FREE I also feel stuck and frustrated. And that seems so cosmically unfair!

 

But I've thought about what some of you in this thread said about having rigid expectations, e.g., if X happens, then Y should be the result. Or if X person behaves badly, then they should get Y and not Z as a result. And it's true. I mean, I think many of us expect that if we get out of a bad relationship, our lives will instantly be "better." And as I'm learning, that's not always the case. Getting out of a bad relationship means only that in the present, things worked out for your best interest in that one area. And that's pretty much all it means, and it's not a small thing but it's easily obfuscated by the grief of losing a relationship.

 

I feel like I could have more happiness if I had a family unit of my own. I do think--and feel--that our society is understandably very much structured on family units, and so it's easy to feel like the odd one out once you get to a certain age and are still single. Everyone at my job, for instance, goes home to family and a number of them to extended family living in this town, as well. And I go home to...me. And one thing that really troubles me is that it's not like I have another group of people outside work to lean on. It's for this reason I'm thinking of joining some kind of club, or joining a church, or signing up for aikido or karate classes. For a while I was doing CrossFit but I just didn't find it socially stimulating and I don't feel as some people do that CrossFit is a sport unto itself, but rather is just a way to be stronger for all your actual sports. I wasn't a fanatic and I felt I had to be a fanatic to get the social benefit I was hoping for.

 

It's so hard to know what direction to take. I don't want to throw the proverbial baby out with the bath water, and yet I do fantasize about just putting everything in storage and moving to Europe and just taking it all by the seat of my pants and seeing what comes of it. This might be something I'd do if I were in my early twenties but at nearly 40 is it wise? And then I think, why should it be any different if you are 20 or 40? What do you think; is there a difference? I just think maybe when you're older, even if you're not content, there's more you're leaving behind as you get older. I just fear I'm doing with my current position in life what I did in my [all unhealthy] relationships so far: stay when I should leave, because something about not getting what I need keeps me hanging on, wanting to "win," trying harder to make it work.

[BC1980]

I always called my ex and his family "my Colorado family." Yes, I recognized it was dysfunctional--not only my ex and by extension, our relationship and by extension, me for staying; but also how his family enabled my ex, particularly his mom. But while it wasn't 100% healthy, I felt a sense of belonging, and I actually felt loved mainly by his mom and family but also by my ex, even while I disliked how his irritability, need to get under my skin and stuckness made me feel.

 

I stayed in my relationship for too long because it was a family unit. No doubt about it. As bad as that relationship was on my self-esteem, I miss the feeling of having a family unit. Not a family with him but just in general.

[BC1980]

It's so hard to know what direction to take. I don't want to throw the proverbial baby out with the bath water, and yet I do fantasize about just putting everything in storage and moving to Europe and just taking it all by the seat of my pants and seeing what comes of it. This might be something I'd do if I were in my early twenties but at nearly 40 is it wise? And then I think, why should it be any different if you are 20 or 40? What do you think; is there a difference? I just think maybe when you're older, even if you're not content, there's more you're leaving behind as you get older. I just fear I'm doing with my current position in life what I did in my [all unhealthy] relationships so far: stay when I should leave, because something about not getting what I need keeps me hanging on, wanting to "win," trying harder to make it work.

 

I think your priorities change between 20 and 40. I remembering being 20 and having so little responsibility. I never thought about retirement, my health, having insurance, saving money for a rainy day, picking a career that would mean financial stability, ect. I thought that my parents (or someone) would be there to shoulder my screw ups or dig me out of any holes I created for myself. I guess a lot of people are like that at 20. No concept of reality. Of course, when you are 20, you don't have any concept of reality because you haven't experienced it. The idea of your parents dying and not being there to fall back on financially or emotionally doesn't enter most people's minds.

 

Getting older (especially being single), you become hyper aware that you are solely responsible for yourself, which is daunting in many ways. I think about my parents dying one day and having no one but my sister at that point. I think about my parents getting older and needing help in their old age. One reason for going back to graduate school was to get a better paying job because I need to be more financially sound. I need to be able to put away for retirement at a faster pace and to be able to help my parents when they get older. I need to have enough saved away to support myself if I do have to go it alone for a very long time. Those are the kinds of things that keep me up at night. And probably, because I work in health care, I see bad situations on a daily basis and have become more aware of what could happen to me in the future if I don't prepare.

 

But you could argue the opposite. What if I don't live long enough to retire, or my parents outlive me? Would I have wished that I had moved to Tuscany? Maybe. But you can only live for now and try to balance preparing the for the future with living for today. I also want a better job, so I can travel more because that is a part of life that I greatly enjoy. I like having the financial freedom to travel as I please. I booked a European cruise for Summer 2018, and it's taking me 3 years to save for it. I'd like to be able to do something like that more often than every 3 years.

 

There's a fine line between throwing in the towel too early and abandoning something because it's just not going to work. I think you do have a tendency to want to dig into something harder even if it's not working. I can see that in you. I'm kind of the opposite to be honest, and I don't know why. I really don't. I guess the question is: where would you move to? I think that has to be answered before you decide to move or not.

[Zapbasket]

I think your priorities change between 20 and 40. I remembering being 20 and having so little responsibility. I never thought about retirement, my health, having insurance, saving money for a rainy day, picking a career that would mean financial stability, ect. I thought that my parents (or someone) would be there to shoulder my screw ups or dig me out of any holes I created for myself. I guess a lot of people are like that at 20. No concept of reality. Of course, when you are 20, you don't have any concept of reality because you haven't experienced it. The idea of your parents dying and not being there to fall back on financially or emotionally doesn't enter most people's minds.

 

Getting older (especially being single), you become hyper aware that you are solely responsible for yourself, which is daunting in many ways. I think about my parents dying one day and having no one but my sister at that point. I think about my parents getting older and needing help in their old age. One reason for going back to graduate school was to get a better paying job because I need to be more financially sound. I need to be able to put away for retirement at a faster pace and to be able to help my parents when they get older. I need to have enough saved away to support myself if I do have to go it alone for a very long time. Those are the kinds of things that keep me up at night. And probably, because I work in health care, I see bad situations on a daily basis and have become more aware of what could happen to me in the future if I don't prepare.

 

But you could argue the opposite. What if I don't live long enough to retire, or my parents outlive me? Would I have wished that I had moved to Tuscany? Maybe. But you can only live for now and try to balance preparing the for the future with living for today. I also want a better job, so I can travel more because that is a part of life that I greatly enjoy. I like having the financial freedom to travel as I please. I booked a European cruise for Summer 2018, and it's taking me 3 years to save for it. I'd like to be able to do something like that more often than every 3 years.

 

This is exactly what I'm telling myself. My move to Colorado 8 years ago was a big risk, and I did it pretty carelessly because I thought, Why not? Man, did I pay for it. Which is not to say that big risks are bad, just that the thing about risk is that sometimes it works out according to your best and wildest dreams, and sometimes it brings a lot of trouble into your life. I don't want, as a rule, to just stop ever taking big risks because of this ONE time. And besides, while the first few years were REALLY hard, I did come out all right in the end. Who knows but that if I'd not moved to Colorado, at this phase of my life I'd be having problems of a similar magnitude, and maybe even similar or the same problems, somewhere else. Being a risk-taker is something to be proud of, even if it causes loss or other unpleasant consequences. The truth is, everything has a price--taking a risk or playing it safe. I think right now I'm unwilling to just pick up and move in the blind hope things will be better elsewhere. Better, I'm telling myself, to tow the line a bit longer, do my best, but start doing my research to determine my best next move. I never, ever want to put myself in a position where I'm scrambling around for a job and unemployed--unless, of course, I have a lot of money, which I absolutely do NOT. It's an AWFUL feeling.

 

There's a fine line between throwing in the towel too early and abandoning something because it's just not going to work. I think you do have a tendency to want to dig into something harder even if it's not working. I can see that in you. I'm kind of the opposite to be honest, and I don't know why. I really don't. I guess the question is: where would you move to? I think that has to be answered before you decide to move or not.

 

You're right; I do have that tendency. And like you (and as we've talked about on other threads), I stayed in my last relationship so long because of the family belonging thing, among other reasons that have required a complete excavation of my psyche in therapy to piece together. Truth is, I honestly can't tell when it's time to give up on something. I only ever give up once I realize something isn't as important to me anymore. If it's important, I'll fight for it and I guess I always have thought that's a good thing? And yet, so many times in retrospect it would have been wiser to have walked away. My last relationship, for instance. Should have left at the 3-month mark. I just don't know how to make that call without feeling like I'm throwing something away.

 

In my current situation, I think it is a fit, and works, that I live in the mountains. Mountains really speak to me and now that I see what it's like to actually have a life IN the mountains, rather than to visit now and again, it's really hard to imagine giving that up. Especially because I worked so hard to make the adjustment from big-city life to mountain and western life. It's just that the truth might be that NOW is not the time for me to have a life in the mountains. Maybe I need to leave and plan to come back. It's just you know how plans can go. Right now I have something I really want. To give that up...what if I never get it back?

 

Also the irony of my situation, beyond where I live, is that the "pragmatic" choice for me career-wise IS actually the "impractical" choice. Meaning, to be a writer. I think it's honestly my best hope to truly manifest my greatest strengths. Otherwise I'll always be fighting myself. The issue is balancing the business of earning a living and taking care of what i need to take care of while also pursuing this goal. It makes things confusing for sure, and it really helps to talk about it here, especially with people like you, BC1908, who are experiencing some similar things.

 

By the way: pretty bada** of you to book a cruise three years out that will take you that same amount of time to pay for! That's awesome.

[BC1980]

This is exactly what I'm telling myself. My move to Colorado 8 years ago was a big risk, and I did it pretty carelessly because I thought, Why not? Man, did I pay for it. Which is not to say that big risks are bad, just that the thing about risk is that sometimes it works out according to your best and wildest dreams, and sometimes it brings a lot of trouble into your life. I don't want, as a rule, to just stop ever taking big risks because of this ONE time. And besides, while the first few years were REALLY hard, I did come out all right in the end. Who knows but that if I'd not moved to Colorado, at this phase of my life I'd be having problems of a similar magnitude, and maybe even similar or the same problems, somewhere else. Being a risk-taker is something to be proud of, even if it causes loss or other unpleasant consequences. The truth is, everything has a price--taking a risk or playing it safe. I think right now I'm unwilling to just pick up and move in the blind hope things will be better elsewhere. Better, I'm telling myself, to tow the line a bit longer, do my best, but start doing my research to determine my best next move. I never, ever want to put myself in a position where I'm scrambling around for a job and unemployed--unless, of course, I have a lot of money, which I absolutely do NOT. It's an AWFUL feeling.

 

If you do move, I think you should do so from a place of strength. I think you should have a plan in place. Definitely have a job first. I'm not against taking risks, but I think I do tend to be overly cautious at times. Living in the mountains would be my dream. Enjoy your health while you have it, and climb as many fourtneeners as you can. Have you climbed Long's Peak? I'm not quite as adventurous as you, and I think I'd be scared to death to climb it.

[BC1980]

lso the irony of my situation, beyond where I live, is that the "pragmatic" choice for me career-wise IS actually the "impractical" choice. Meaning, to be a writer. I think it's honestly my best hope to truly manifest my greatest strengths. Otherwise I'll always be fighting myself. The issue is balancing the business of earning a living and taking care of what i need to take care of while also pursuing this goal. It makes things confusing for sure, and it really helps to talk about it here, especially with people like you, BC1908, who are experiencing some similar things.

 

As students of literature, we know this idea well. I actually did my thesis on Yeats' idea of the artist vs. the non-artist. So I spent a lot of time with this idea. It would be nice to have a patron like Yeats wouldn't it? The real irony is that you need to have financial security to pursue being an artist.

 

I wanted to mention joining a church. Doing so can actually be a good way to form a support system. One of the functions of a church is that it provides a support system for its members. Even though my beliefs remain confused and always changing, I have regularly attended the same church for several years now. I have developed a support system in that way. I will caution you that churches are focused on and usually cater to families, so I sometimes feel my singleness/childlessness is magnified. But I think that church is just a microcosm of society in general when it comes to the issue of family. There are plenty of places to fit in when you find a church. Volunteer opportunities as well. What denomination are you considering? I belong to a Methodist church, which tends to be on the more liberal side of things. They don't push any beliefs on you or try to convert you. They tend to be more hands off and less judgemental.

[Zapbasket]

As students of literature, we know this idea well. I actually did my thesis on Yeats' idea of the artist vs. the non-artist. So I spent a lot of time with this idea. It would be nice to have a patron like Yeats wouldn't it? The real irony is that you need to have financial security to pursue being an artist.

 

And the bolded is exactly why I haven't allowed myself, until now, to fully pursue my artistic talent. No financial security will ever feel like enough for the risk it takes to be an artist. Because ultimately it's not the financial risk that's most fearsome, but the personal risk. If artists in all disciplines waited until they were financially secure to pursue their work, there'd scarcely be an active concert hall, museum or literary tradition to speak of. Really it comes down to the fact that there are people who just have to do it, and people who think it would be "nice" to do it. I have found I fall into the former category. In that mindframe, doing it is the reward, with plenty of accompanying self-doubt.

 

I wanted to mention joining a church. Doing so can actually be a good way to form a support system. One of the functions of a church is that it provides a support system for its members. Even though my beliefs remain confused and always changing, I have regularly attended the same church for several years now. I have developed a support system in that way. I will caution you that churches are focused on and usually cater to families, so I sometimes feel my singleness/childlessness is magnified. But I think that church is just a microcosm of society in general when it comes to the issue of family. There are plenty of places to fit in when you find a church. Volunteer opportunities as well. What denomination are you considering? I belong to a Methodist church, which tends to be on the more liberal side of things. They don't push any beliefs on you or try to convert you. They tend to be more hands off and less judgemental.

 

Well, I grew up going to church--I was even an acolyte for years--and frankly grew disenchanted with it all. I don't like hymns, vapid sermons, and the communion ceremony with the wafer that sticks to the roof of my mouth and the germ wine chalice, and I can only stand to hear an organ if I imagine all the spiders in the organ pipes getting fried by the force of sound There's a church here that holds services in almost every imaginable denomination, and my good friend is the music director there, so I may try that. I'll have to do some shopping--I want to go to one where the congregation is more on the younger side, and where there's a legit social hour after the service as well as fun ways to get involved outside the services that involves more of the community outside of church. Maybe church isn't the answer--maybe just something in which I can be involved each week, the regularity giving me time to get to know people. Definitely some research is in order. Have you gotten involved in volunteer stuff? I've done things with a volunteer trail-rebuilding crew, where you can camp overnight with the group and the organization packs in and provides all your meals, but so far all that happens is that I keep getting hit on, and they monopolize my time during the volunteer weekend (and so far, it's been no one I'm interested in). I have to work on that....

[Zapbasket]

If you do move, I think you should do so from a place of strength. I think you should have a plan in place. Definitely have a job first. I'm not against taking risks, but I think I do tend to be overly cautious at times. Living in the mountains would be my dream. Enjoy your health while you have it, and climb as many fourtneeners as you can. Have you climbed Long's Peak? I'm not quite as adventurous as you, and I think I'd be scared to death to climb it.

 

Not Longs yet--I'm avoiding the peaks nearer Denver because it tends to be a bit of a congo line up to the peak and that's just not the experience I'm looking for. The Keyhole route up Longs certainly has some sketchy bits. But if you want your hands to really sweat, go on YouTube and look up the Knife Edge on Capitol Peak. 1,500 foot sheer drop on either side; just last weekend someone had to be rescued off that bit. I'm not sure those kinds of climbs are worth the risk for me (speaking of risk!). Every time I go out I try to plan in such a way as to minimize the risk that my mom will get a call from the police, or the coroner....

 

(Food for thought: lots of people with nursing / physician's assistant degrees find good work and good lives here in the mountains--here as well as in Utah....)

[BC1980]

And the bolded is exactly why I haven't allowed myself, until now, to fully pursue my artistic talent. No financial security will ever feel like enough for the risk it takes to be an artist. Because ultimately it's not the financial risk that's most fearsome, but the personal risk. If artists in all disciplines waited until they were financially secure to pursue their work, there'd scarcely be an active concert hall, museum or literary tradition to speak of. Really it comes down to the fact that there are people who just have to do it, and people who think it would be "nice" to do it. I have found I fall into the former category. In that mindframe, doing it is the reward, with plenty of accompanying self-doubt.

 

True enough. I have some poems that I have been told are good, but I'm scared to death to submit anything. I'd be scared to death for anyone to see my innermost thoughts. The thought is downright petrifying. And what if they suck? How embarrassing. The mystery novel I've worked on is more of a fun project. I'm not baring my soul to anyone with that. The mystery genre (detective fiction?) barely qualifies as literature. It does boil down to who dreams about it and who does it. Because a lot of people have an idea for a novel.

 

By financial security, I meant more like being able to pay your bills. Not being mega rich or anything like that. Financial security helps in some way. It's a complicated concept for many artists. It's extremely rare to be able to make a living as a novelist. Only very prolific and popular writers are able to do that, and producing many novels hurts your credibility as an actual artist. I don't agree with that idea, but there it is. I think that realistically, working a job and writing a book have to go hand in hand.

 

 

 

Save

[Zapbasket]

 

True enough. I have some poems that I have been told are good, but I'm scared to death to submit anything. I'd be scared to death for anyone to see my innermost thoughts. The thought is downright petrifying. And what if they suck? How embarrassing. The mystery novel I've worked on is more of a fun project. I'm not baring my soul to anyone with that. The mystery genre (detective fiction?) barely qualifies as literature. It does boil down to who dreams about it and who does it. Because a lot of people have an idea for a novel.

 

Well, think of it this way: it's possible you've already "published" more of your innermost thoughts here on LS than you could ever publish in poetry chapbooks In the end, you do it because you need to; no other reason.

 

And call me an a*shole, but I roll my eyes every time I hear someone say they have an idea for a novel. Just because a person can speak a language or imagine a scene doesn't mean they can or should write a novel.

 

I think that realistically, working a job and writing a book have to go hand in hand.

 

Yikes! Are there people who actually think otherwise?

 

On a different note, thanks for talking this all out with me. Thanks also to those others of you, for your posts. It has helped me feel a little better about my situation, less alone and more hopeful. I suppose one difference between being 40-ish versus, say, 25-ish is that it's possible to find yourself mired years-deep in a life that just doesn't feel right for you. I wound up in this new life via the necessity of survival, being a new person in a new place in a poor economy. I was so busy putting out fires in my immediate circumstances that I didn't get to pause to think about where this path was taking me. In fact, I remember saying to myself that since I couldn't find the work I was looking for, and this opportunity arose when none other did, that the best thing I could do was to follow it and see where it led. And now that there's a little more stability in my life, I'm looking around and going, "How did I end up here?!?"

 

It seems, then, that the key is to integrate what I have now with what I wanted before all this.

 

Recently, my mother told me that honestly she has never seen me really content at any point in my adult life. "Do you mean that I characteristically haven't been an optimistic, positive person?" I asked her. "No, you've always been optimistic, if anxious about your future, and you're a very positive, upbeat person just as you were as a child." "So, you mean more like I've not been content, kind-of in a Goldilocks way?" I asked. "Yes," she said. That exchange really floored me. It's clear I've always been yearning / searching for something, and everywhere I've been in life I've always felt a bit out of place even while overall I've been generally well-liked save for occasional run-ins with b*tchy, jealous mean girls/women whom I'm getting increasingly better at telling to F off and even better yet, at ignoring. And seeing that, I just have no idea how to solve it...or perhaps I'm just always going to feel it and "growth" for me means that I learn to live with it. I dunno. If I thought religion could help me address some of this I'd be at a church in a heartbeat.

 

BC1980 and/or others, do you relate at all to any of this? Have you ever felt similarly?

 

Sometimes I find myself wishing--and this is embarrassing but I'm saying it in hopes someone can relate--that some wonderful man will come into my life and just...help me transcend myself, to where this struggle I'm having won't bother me so much, or may even become moot.

[BC1980]

Recently, my mother told me that honestly she has never seen me really content at any point in my adult life. "Do you mean that I characteristically haven't been an optimistic, positive person?" I asked her. "No, you've always been optimistic, if anxious about your future, and you're a very positive, upbeat person just as you were as a child." "So, you mean more like I've not been content, kind-of in a Goldilocks way?" I asked. "Yes," she said. That exchange really floored me. It's clear I've always been yearning / searching for something, and everywhere I've been in life I've always felt a bit out of place even while overall I've been generally well-liked save for occasional run-ins with b*tchy, jealous mean girls/women whom I'm getting increasingly better at telling to F off and even better yet, at ignoring. And seeing that, I just have no idea how to solve it...or perhaps I'm just always going to feel it and "growth" for me means that I learn to live with it. I dunno. If I thought religion could help me address some of this I'd be at a church in a heartbeat.

 

BC1980 and/or others, do you relate at all to any of this? Have you ever felt similarly?

 

Yes, very similarly. I feel like I am forever looking for something else, and I'm never satisfied. I'm always looking for the next goal to accomplish. In some ways, that is good because it's given me the drive to go to school 4 times now and to have that drive to work up in my career. But I also think that mentality can stop you from enjoying what is right in front of you. Because I've realized that there is no destination point that is going to somehow fix things or make you suddenly happy. I used to be very bad about thinking that once I accomplished X,Y, and Z, I could really live and truly be happy. I was forever thinking that once I saved enough money, bought a house, finished X degree, got a job making X money, ect. I could truly be happy, and my true life would begin. The life I was meant to live.

 

It's silly isn't it? Once I achieved those goals, I would always have more in line. Because those goals would not bring happiness/peace, so, surely, there must be another goal to reach for until I finally found that happy place. Does any of that sound familiar?

 

As for religion helping you address it, maybe. That's possible. Religion might help you cope, which is really the purpose of religion. To attempt to answer the big questions and give meaning to life, essentially to cope. I have a hard time believing in God though, so it doesn't work so well for me. I'm always the skeptic. I want to believe in God and an afterlife, but I can't wil myself to believe something.

Save

[Zapbasket]

 

Yes, very similarly. I feel like I am forever looking for something else, and I'm never satisfied. I'm always looking for the next goal to accomplish. In some ways, that is good because it's given me the drive to go to school 4 times now and to have that drive to work up in my career. But I also think that mentality can stop you from enjoying what is right in front of you. Because I've realized that there is no destination point that is going to somehow fix things or make you suddenly happy. I used to be very bad about thinking that once I accomplished X,Y, and Z, I could really live and truly be happy. I was forever thinking that once I saved enough money, bought a house, finished X degree, got a job making X money, ect. I could truly be happy, and my true life would begin. The life I was meant to live.

 

It's silly isn't it? Once I achieved those goals, I would always have more in line. Because those goals would not bring happiness/peace, so, surely, there must be another goal to reach for until I finally found that happy place. Does any of that sound familiar?

 

BC1980, I really relate to this. I think that's why even though it would have made "perfect sense" for me to have moved after K (my ex) and I broke up three years ago, in another sense I understood that to do so would be thinking that something external would fix my internal pain. Even in the chaos of all the hurt I felt three years ago, I understood that I had to walk through the pain, and go deep to its source, which I knew extended far beyond losing K, even though K himself mirrored much of that deeper pain.

 

I look back, and though my life isn't where I want it to be (dead-end, not great-paying job, renting rather than owning, no husband or children of my own), I know I have made huge strides of the kind perhaps only I can see.

 

I've decided that I have to suck it up and make it through another winter in my current job. Back in March I thought I could leave it before the winter, go back to my old seasonal winter job full-time, and then plan to move from my company or from both company and town where I live. But I realize that I am past the point where I'm willing to risk several months of unemployment, or under-employment, next summer. I took that risk several times in the process of moving here six years ago, and it depleted me financially, as well as emotionally.

 

I also feel like I still can accomplish plenty of growing where I am. I feel like I'm beginning to accept some of the hard things we've talked about here on LS: that just because you're doing all the "right" things doesn't mean you're "entitled" to have success, or a loving partner, etc.; that K and his family and I may truly never talk or see one another again; that perhaps there's a way to be content with NOW without selling out on my dreams or my values.

 

I know it's just a musing but I can't help wondering whether our exes were driven by the breakup with us to undergo a difficult period of finding themselves. I do believe that for K, his time hasn't been easy over the past several years; I don't think breaking up with me just automatically made his life easier or more enjoyable. But I am curious how, or whether, he has grown. I guess as I suss out who I am now, today, three years later, I find myself wondering who he has become...or if he truly is exactly the same. I know for me, and it seems for you, as well, this breakup forced me to look at things I think I was hoping life events--external factors--would prevent me from really having to bother to look at.

 

Just musing. I'm feeling much better than when I began this thread, though I am sorting through the same issues. Maybe just with a little more patience--or perhaps resignation. And maybe a little resignation isn't a bad thing, again, as long as you're not acting in opposition to your own values or against your life goals.

[BC1980]

I've decided that I have to suck it up and make it through another winter in my current job. Back in March I thought I could leave it before the winter, go back to my old seasonal winter job full-time, and then plan to move from my company or from both company and town where I live. But I realize that I am past the point where I'm willing to risk several months of unemployment, or under-employment, next summer. I took that risk several times in the process of moving here six years ago, and it depleted me financially, as well as emotionally.

 

Financial issues or job instability usually adds more stress to anyone's life. Being out of work or tight on money can really exacerbate an already stressful situation. I certainly don't think that money or the perfect job will make you happy or fix your problems, but having that stability can help in many ways. I think I would definitely find a new job before leaving this job.