Having a low moment...could use some encouragement

[Zapbasket]

A mutual FB friend of my ex from 10 years ago just "liked" a photo of him with his wife and their two young children, and her "like" made it show up on my feed.

 

He looks truly happy, more so than in any photos I've seen of him, by chance or purposefully, in the 10 years since we've broken up. He looks good, and his children are adorable, and his wife looks like a nice person. He's truly smiling with his eyes and his whole face--his characteristic smile always used to be with kind-of dead eyes and just half his mouth.

 

It's hard to believe it has been ten years. Since then, I've had two other relationships, and I've moved across the country. I moved in 2008 and my time here in Colorado since then has been very difficult, as my threads on here can attest. I've finally truly come out on the other side of a really painful breakup back almost exactly 3 years ago to the day. I feel like I'm myself again, and I feel whole. With those feelings are feelings that I've outgrown my current job that I've held for over 2.5 years, my current "place" in life, and possibly I've outgrown where I live--certainly I've outgrown my accustomed role in it (feeling like an outsider, being lonely, feeling like I haven't found my "people" here, feeling under-appreciated to the point of being practically unseen in my work and social lives). It has just been one long, long struggle filled with frustration, confusion and unhappiness.

 

The good--no, GREAT--thing is that I feel like I have truly changed into a stronger, more self-loving version of myself, thanks to all the hardships, and I am ready to take this newfound strength and go in the direction of my dreams. I've started a writing program that's mostly long-distance, and I'm writing a book and it's going well.

 

But then I see this ex of mine from all these years ago, and I feel kind-of low. I can't lie; I do. When we were together, HE was the insecure one. HE was the one who was so unhappy with himself, who seemed so lost in himself. And I was optimistic and open. And I can't deny that I feel something, maybe shame?, that I've not made it to where I just assumed I'd be in life at this point, that things were so difficult for me over these past ten years, and this guy who was always so insecure and unhappy seems to have everything. I know he's a successful VP at a global financial institution, which means he's making tons of money...and meanwhile I am scraping by, still renting an apartment, and on top of it, I'm single after three back-to-back unhappy relationships (the one with him included), and childless though I always wanted children. I'm sitting here crying, wondering where I went wrong? I'm pretty, I'm highly intelligent, multi-talented and athletic, I'm adventurous, I'm kind, I have a good sense of humor and love to laugh, and I'm caring and loyal. Oh, and very well educated.

 

This ex was also an example of the way I wouldn't want to be treated again in a relationship. After my last relationship broke up in 8/2013, I buckled down to some serious therapy to figure out why I'm always in relationships with irritable, emotionally distant men who don't treat me very kindly. So I overcame that, too, over the past several years.

 

And I didn't see it at the time, but mutual friends of ours always said I had much more to offer him, than he had to offer me--that I was the catch and he really wasn't worthy of me--and as my therapy proceeded over these past few years I came to see it, as well.

 

So then I see this photo, with his face reflecting a kind of peace and happiness that you can't fake, and I wonder what the heck? If I was the catch and I was the one with all this to offer, why is my life so empty while his looks so happy and full? Did he really just figure out a bunch of stuff over the years? And didn't I? And yet nothing in my life right now reflects where I ever wanted to be.

 

I know I'm being really negative right now but all these feelings surged up when I saw that photo and I just couldn't keep them to myself. I'm trying so hard to make the changes that will lead me to something better, something that truly feels like "me"...and I feel in this moment like such a failure.

[jen1447]

Hugs. We all go thru those "I suck" phases from time to time. You'll come out the other end in a bit. (And most likely you don't actually suck that bad. )

 

[BC1980]

Social media can be really tough. We see things that can trigger certain emotions. We see things that can highlight what we feel is "wrong" with us. This isn't about your ex from 10 years ago, and I know you know that. Seeing that picture stirred up emotions about your place in life right now. The picture reinforced doubts you have about yourself.

 

I've had a tough summer. I planned to buy my first house this summer, and it didn't happen. That hit me really hard and made me doubt myself because buying a house was a symbol of me making it on my own. I had a moment like you described when my FB friends starting posting pictures of their kids on the first day of school. Seeing those pics was difficult because it made me feel so different. It made me feel like such an outsider. Like all of these people are married, have kids, and have nice houses. And I don't have any of those things.

 

I feel like a failure too. Even though no one around me thinks I'm a failure, I feel like a huge failure at life. I even started a thread about it a few months ago. I wonder if social media plays a role in making us feel like failures, and I wonder how many other people out there feel the same way. It's hard to see pics of my cousins with their families and not feel like a failure. GC, I know how you feel, and I'm not trying to have a pity party. I'm usually very upbeat, and no one around me would know I feel this way. But sometimes, you have to let it out and just speak what you feel.

[Zapbasket]

I should mention that there are several reasons why this 2006 ex would stir up this stuff in me.

 

For one, I'm about to turn 40 in a few weeks, so I'm doing a lot of reflecting on where my life is going / has gone.

 

For two, I had to do a long sift through this relationship while I was in therapy to revise some beliefs I had. When he broke up with me back in 2006, I couldn't let go of the idea that it was all my fault, that I somehow proved unworthy, etc. I then realized in therapy all these years later that in fact he really didn't treat me that well in the relationship, not that he was a "bad" guy, but he was non-communicative about his feelings, passive-aggressive, self-centric, and to deal with that I basically carried the weight of the whole relationship on my shoulders. I basically had to go back in time with this revised knowledge, and "break up" with him on those grounds.

 

So maybe there's a bit of...shouldn't the person who wasn't treated so well be the one who finds happiness in the end? I know it's not a race or a competition--I know this objectively--and really in the end it's not about him but what that photo of him triggered, which is what I already recognize and am trying so hard to dig my way out of: that these past 10 years have been so hard and unhappy for me. Almost like I've been living a life that is not mine, that is not me or has kept me from being "me."

 

I don't know. Just feeling down.

[Sunkissedpatio]

I'm sorry this brought you back to those old feelings. that must have been hard to see.

 

If you don't want to see anything show up in your timeline that is liked by mutual friends just block his name in the privacy settings and you will never seen when others comment or like his posts.

[BC1980]

I'm pretty, I'm highly intelligent, multi-talented and athletic, I'm adventurous, I'm kind, I have a good sense of humor and love to laugh, and I'm caring and loyal. Oh, and very well educated.

 

You know what is hard? Those things only matter to a point. There is only so much we can control. None of those things guarantees anything in life, let alone a relationship. We all know this on some level, but actually living it out brings new meaning to it. We all know nothing is guaranteed, but it's d*mn hard when you are the one stuck living that truth. I don't think any of my friends are better than me, and I'm not better than them. But somehow, some things just didn't turn out the way I had hoped.

 

Lately, I've realized that I missed out on getting married and having kids. I mean, sure it could still happen, but I'm 35 with no prospects. I will be 36 by the end of the year. The door closes at some point. The chances aren't good for me. One day, I looked up and realized that I missed out on that entire phase of life, and I think I'm grieving that loss. This is the first time I've actually put words to it, but there it is. Maybe you are grieving that loss too. Now, all my friends are finished having kids and are moving on to the next season of life. Raising their young kids.

 

I'm usually more positive than this, but I break down too sometimes. And I've had a rough summer. Not trying to be a Debbie Downer but being real.

[Zapbasket]

Social media can be really tough. We see things that can trigger certain emotions. We see things that can highlight what we feel is "wrong" with us. This isn't about your ex from 10 years ago, and I know you know that. Seeing that picture stirred up emotions about your place in life right now. The picture reinforced doubts you have about yourself.

 

I've had a tough summer. I planned to buy my first house this summer, and it didn't happen. That hit me really hard and made me doubt myself because buying a house was a symbol of me making it on my own. I had a moment like you described when my FB friends starting posting pictures of their kids on the first day of school. Seeing those pics was difficult because it made me feel so different. It made me feel like such an outsider. Like all of these people are married, have kids, and have nice houses. And I don't have any of those things.

 

I feel like a failure too. Even though no one around me thinks I'm a failure, I feel like a huge failure at life. I even started a thread about it a few months ago. I wonder if social media plays a role in making us feel like failures, and I wonder how many other people out there feel the same way. It's hard to see pics of my cousins with their families and not feel like a failure. GC, I know how you feel, and I'm not trying to have a pity party. I'm usually very upbeat, and no one around me would know I feel this way. But sometimes, you have to let it out and just speak what you feel.

 

Re: the bolded: exactly / me, too / and I'm glad to hear from you, though of course sorry you've had a hard summer, too. I do remember your thread from a few months ago, and I remember replying from a much more upbeat place, reassuring you that no way are you a failure. I know the same is true of me, but I feel like everything has only turned out WRONG, and though I've tried so hard, NOTHING has worked out, and I feel like life is passing me by even though it's not like I"m just sitting and wallowing. I've taken every setback as an opportunity. I've tried to make the best of everything, but in quiet moments, in the privacy of my heart, the truth is that I'm not happy with how things have turned out and where I am in life and I don't feel like I should be. Because feeling unhappy with my current state of affairs surely means I feel I deserve better.

 

I have not only outgrown my job, but I feel like I'm bursting at the seams. I may have outgrown not only the job, but the whole company I've worked for these past several years, and possibly this whole mountain town. I still don't really have any friends. And while I have met others here who feel the SAME way, is moving really the answer? I just don't feel I can handle it if I move and still find myself in the same turmoil...because it then means it's really all me that is the source of my problems, and that I just don't feel equipped to understand, given my generally good attitude (if hard on myself), and all my great attributes. Someone like me should be a success, and have friends and love and a job that utilizes her talents.

 

I imagine you feel similarly on those counts, too? I just feel like I can't take this unhappiness anymore, while these people from my past seem to have found happiness when they had so many fewer inner resources than I did. I mean, how does that happen?????

[lana-banana]

I wonder if social media plays a role in making us feel like failures, and I wonder how many other people out there feel the same way.

 

It absolutely does. Most of us use social media to present the very best sides of our best selves. There are a lot of reasons for this; it's human to brag about your accomplishments, you know future employers may be watching, and we all like to show off. But above all we generally don't feel comfortable sharing our innermost fears. It's never been acceptable to talk about your low self esteem at a dinner party and social media is the same.

 

So what happens when we showcase our successes without any of the failures? We see everyone else's lives as a nonstop parade of happiness and forget they aren't posting the bad parts. We compare the whole "movie" of our lives to everyone else's highlight reel. And it can make us feel like crap.

 

But as to GC's post, I would say be kind of yourself and considerate of your differences. Life isn't about fairness, the best people don't always end up on top and the guys who used to be jerks don't always stay that way. Rather than comparing yourself to this guy, think about how much has changed for him and how much can still change for you. It sounds like you're already making a ton of positive changes and that's fantastic. By your own account you are becoming a better version of yourself every day, and that deserves to be celebrated. You don't have to measure up against anyone else's life's journey. Just be proud and confident in yours.

[Zapbasket]

Hugs. We all go thru those "I suck" phases from time to time. You'll come out the other end in a bit. (And most likely you don't actually suck that bad. )

 

 

Thanks for the vote of confidence; it means a lot in my sad state over here in my apartment.

 

I keep having faith that I'll come out of the other end...but I feel like I've been saying that for so long, and trying so hard, and I don't know where to go from here, except maybe join a monastery, or just disappear off the continent and start over in Europe, just a whole new life. I just want all this unhappiness to end, and I don't know what to do to make that happen.

[lana-banana]

Almost like I've been living a life that is not mine, that is not me or has kept me from being "me."

 

This is tremendously insightful. It might be good to explore where you think your "ideal" life and your actual life diverged. What happened to bring you where you are now, how much control did you have over those events, and what can you do now to bring you closer to your ideals?

 

I don't believe moving would be running away. It sounds like you have nothing tying you to your current location and you have incredible potential to thrive elsewhere. The ability to permanently remove yourself from painful memories is reason enough. The chance to start over on top of that makes it a no-brainer.

[Zapbasket]

You know what is hard? Those things only matter to a point. There is only so much we can control. None of those things guarantees anything in life, let alone a relationship. We all know this on some level, but actually living it out brings new meaning to it. We all know nothing is guaranteed, but it's d*mn hard when you are the one stuck living that truth. I don't think any of my friends are better than me, and I'm not better than them. But somehow, some things just didn't turn out the way I had hoped.

 

Lately, I've realized that I missed out on getting married and having kids. I mean, sure it could still happen, but I'm 35 with no prospects. I will be 36 by the end of the year. The door closes at some point. The chances aren't good for me. One day, I looked up and realized that I missed out on that entire phase of life, and I think I'm grieving that loss. This is the first time I've actually put words to it, but there it is. Maybe you are grieving that loss too. Now, all my friends are finished having kids and are moving on to the next season of life. Raising their young kids.

 

I'm usually more positive than this, but I break down too sometimes. And I've had a rough summer. Not trying to be a Debbie Downer but being real.

 

Yes, I am feeling the same way. I couldn't have said it better. I haven't made it to this phase that not only includes a loving partner and marriage but also having children, and meanwhile people around me have finished that and are steeped in their family lives, raising their children. That's what that ex of mine is doing. I remember when he broke up with me he said, "You're a terrific person, and you're going to marry a wonderful man." And I said to him, "I don't understand. If you feel that way, then why can't YOU be that wonderful man?" He didn't have an answer, and now I don't have any answer for how if I'm so terrific like people say, then why is my life so...LESS?

 

To you I'd say that you ARE a few years younger than me, so you do still have time to meet someone, marry, and have a child before you are 40. I know it feels like a lot to happen in just 4 short years, but that's the thing that has me down today, too: I've lived in this mountain town for six years now, and I see all around me people's lives changing and children being born and people going back to school and moving and this and that, and I just see around me a whole lot of trying and not many results. And I just feel stupefied, because I truly did everything that every therapist, that every book, that every advice column or what have you tells you to do. Make the most of what you have. Look for opportunities in setbacks. Practice gratitude. Be in the moment. I've taken steps in all of these areas, very consciously.

 

I feel truly...broken. Like an awesome toy that used to be so shiny and fun and now just sits in the corner gathering dust. And yes, I know what happened to the velveteen rabbit; it's one of my favorite pieces of literature. But if all that has happened is the price of being "real," then thank you very much, I'd rather just be a huge fake.

 

I'm glad I started this thread because being able to get this out and have you guys here with me is already making me feel better.

[Zapbasket]

This is tremendously insightful. It might be good to explore where you think your "ideal" life and your actual life diverged. What happened to bring you where you are now, how much control did you have over those events, and what can you do now to bring you closer to your ideals?

 

I don't believe moving would be running away. It sounds like you have nothing tying you to your current location and you have incredible potential to thrive elsewhere. The ability to permanently remove yourself from painful memories is reason enough. The chance to start over on top of that makes it a no-brainer.

 

Good points, Lana-banana, and I know you've long advocated a move if for nothing else than the chance to start over. I think my biggest fear has been not moving, and not having to start over, but having to do it alone, and doing the work of starting over only to find that I'm back in the same place, with the same problems, etc.

 

The reason this past breakup was so hard for me to overcome, I see now, is because it brought to light the whole way I'd lived my life to that point. I've tried to appease everyone. I'm naturally interested in many things and in people and their stories, and so I've spent my life adapting and adjusting to other people around me, with no one ever adapting and adjusting to me mainly because I never asked them to, but also because many of them frankly weren't aware enough or smart enough to be able to see beyond only what they knew and experienced. They didn't have the flexibility and curiosity and appetite for adventure that I have. And so whole relationships developed where I was turning cartwheels to keep them going, while the other person never lifted a finger. Why should they have since I was doing it all?

 

So this summer I spent more time alone on purpose. I decided to enlist the help of a specialized professional writing group while I write my first book. I decided that I must become the artist I was always meant to be.

 

Believe me, lately I just want to pack all my things and move and figure out everything once I get to my new destination. I just can't take another day like this. I'm losing it at work because I can no longer lie to myself about how miserable I am. And it's not the work itself, but just the whole sequence of events that brought me to this job with these people to whom I'm still after 2.5 years, a stranger, because this job utilizes none of my talents or attributes.

 

I wish I had some family to go stay with for a few months while I make a transition. But that would only be my mother, and one other thing that came to light over the past few years is how horrible our relationship is. She basically is the reason why I chose the men I did, and why I always felt I had to apologize for myself because as she admitted last week, she can't "deal with me."

 

If I thought moving would truly be the beginning of happier times for me, I'd do it first thing tomorrow morning. At this point, I really would.

[Zapbasket]

You know what is hard? Those things only matter to a point. There is only so much we can control. None of those things guarantees anything in life, let alone a relationship. We all know this on some level, but actually living it out brings new meaning to it. We all know nothing is guaranteed, but it's d*mn hard when you are the one stuck living that truth. I don't think any of my friends are better than me, and I'm not better than them. But somehow, some things just didn't turn out the way I had hoped.

 

This is so true. I mean, wow.

 

And what I bolded, ohhh, exactly. Hard work guarantees nothing. Courage guarantees nothing. Talent, developed or latent or both, guarantees nothing. Nor do education, IQ, EQ, looks, or even sense of humor. The thing is, most of us do find some kind of respite in at least one of these things. So when years go by and NOTHING has worked for you, where do you go from there? That's what I'm struggling with.

 

My mom said to me last weekend that she has never seen me content. Not, she said, because I'm a disgruntled person or characteristically prone to discontent. Just that nothing ever seemed to be the right fit. On the outside, I always have been good at everything I've ever done, thanks to talent and hard work. On the inside, I never have felt that "fit." She's right. So again, where do I go from this? I realize it's THIS that makes me so fearful of moving, even though no, the truth is that things have NOT worked out well for me here to date. They could be worse, but surely I'm right to feel I can reach for more, that I CAN achieve my dreams?

[jen1447]

Thanks for the vote of confidence; it means a lot in my sad state over here in my apartment.

 

I keep having faith that I'll come out of the other end...but I feel like I've been saying that for so long, and trying so hard, and I don't know where to go from here, except maybe join a monastery, or just disappear off the continent and start over in Europe, just a whole new life. I just want all this unhappiness to end, and I don't know what to do to make that happen.

 

Maybe stop trying so hard. Life pretty much happens regardless, and I think our efforts, no matter how mighty, end up making only mild changes in course most of the time. Sometimes it's a virtue to learn to just let it be.

[Zapbasket]

Maybe stop trying so hard. Life pretty much happens regardless, and I think our efforts, no matter how mighty, end up making only mild changes in course most of the time. Sometimes it's a virtue to learn to just let it be.

 

God. I'm so lonely that when I checked this thread and saw your reply, it made me cry.

 

You're right, and sometimes, or more than sometimes, I feel I need to start smoking weed, or join a monastery. Because I feel I HAVE been just letting it be, but maybe given my general intensity, Buddha, perhaps, would not agree that my brand of "letting it be" is in fact, "letting it be."

 

When I got my current job going on 3 years ago now, I knew it wasn't some great job, but I was glad finally to have a year-round, full-time position after several years of constant job-hunting and zero success. I used having a year-round position to finally let up on job hunting, and just focus on enjoying life in the mountains. So I started doing a lot of solo backpacking trips and learned to fly fish and just relaxed.

 

When I first moved here and the economy tanked and I couldn't find ANY job, I took a gamble as I had nothing to lose and got a job as a ski instructor after having only skied one season in my life. I said to myself, "Ok, this wasn't planned, but I'm going to make the most of it and see how far I can get."

 

These are two examples of "letting go." I've stopped trying to make new friends, because it proved too much to keep feeling like I and the people I was meeting weren't speaking the same language. Am I missing the point? I mean, I feel like I keep trying to let it all be, but then there's this unhappiness that just won't go away. Not depression-unhappiness, but more of an...existential, maybe? unhappiness. Maybe the key is to just let the unhappiness be there. ???

 

I don't know anything anymore!

[Zapbasket]

Maybe what it all boils down to is that I have been unhappy with my circumstances for so long that the unhappiness just seems like this huge sea with me in the middle and no hope of swimming in ANY direction to find ANY shore.

 

I'm so tired of feeling unhappy and it's not like I'm wallowing; I keep doing things to try to get out of this unhappy sea and nothing has worked. What's frightening and uncomfortable for me is that I was always the HAPPY, OPTIMISTIC person. I could find a way to be happy even in unhappy circumstances. And it seems that now, the unhappiness has gone on for so long that I have lost, or misplaced that ability.

 

So, now I feel general unhappiness all the time, except when I'm pushing myself in the outdoors. In my job, in my social life, in my job prospects, in everything else, I'm really unhappy.

 

It is truly to the point whereI'm considering just packing everything up, putting it in storage, and living somewhere, anywhere, for a month or two to see if that starts to solve my unhappiness. Because if I were to move, and find that the unhappiness followed me, then I'm afraid I would truly become suicidal. Because how could I rationalize my unhappiness then?

[jen1447]

Ok, let's try a little exercise ....

 

They say true happiness is actually just contentedness. (They're actually rather diff things - contentedness being a calm security for the most part and happiness being the unsustainable running around brimming w joy thing - unsustainable just bc no one can be 'on' like that all the time. But they can be content overall.)

 

So what are 3 very broad, basic things that would make you feel content? Think life elements here, not narrow little things like getting that picture frame you've had your eye on or w/e.

 

Oh and more hugs. My hugs are very healing btw so you should be feeling better already.

[privategal]

I don't want to trivialize but have you tried the simple gesture of sitting down with a friend over a beer or coffee and just pouring your heart out?

Or even to your Mom, Grammy, favorite aunt just a good old fashioned heart to heart?

Just hoping your not holding all this in and trying to cope on your own.

You can also (or maybe you have) get tested by your doctor for depression and anxiety. I did this and my doctor gave me a low dose medicine to help the imbalance and my emotions feel more bearable.

You could just be overwhelmed and isolating yourself.

I say reach out to people that love you.

Also most churches are open during the day.

you can find a quiet pew and go and say a prayer, maybe turn to faith to find comfort and help.

I will say a prayer for you.

[BC1980]

God. I'm so lonely that when I checked this thread and saw your reply, it made me cry.

 

I think this is it right here. You are lonely and don't have much of a support system. I have often thought of moving somewhere different, but I have never done so for one reason and one reason alone. My support system is here. My family and close friends are here. Even though I do struggle, at least I do have them to fall back on. You don't have any of that where you live. I can't even imagine how hard that would be. I'm sure you have acquaintances that you could grab lunch with but no close friends. I have some close friends here that I know I could count on in a pinch and that I could divulge my problems too. They aren't in my everyday life, which can be lonely, but they are there when I need them. People I have known for a long time.

 

I think you are struggling with a profound loneliness because you are isolated in the extreme. You are emotionally isolated. That might be one of the things I fear the most in life. Being alone. I think we all fear that. Outlasting our friends and family and finding ourselves alone. When you ask people what their biggest fears are when they die, they say dying alone. Because people were made for companionship. So I can't even imagine how difficult this had been for you.

 

Is there anyplace you could move that would already have a built in support system? I know you don't get along so well with your mom. What about any friends?

[Zapbasket]

Ok, let's try a little exercise ....

 

They say true happiness is actually just contentedness. (They're actually rather diff things - contentedness being a calm security for the most part and happiness being the unsustainable running around brimming w joy thing - unsustainable just bc no one can be 'on' like that all the time. But they can be content overall.)

 

So what are 3 very broad, basic things that would make you feel content? Think life elements here, not narrow little things like getting that picture frame you've had your eye on or w/e.

 

Oh and more hugs. My hugs are very healing btw so you should be feeling better already.

 

Good exercise. 1) I want to see myself become the artist I know I was meant to be. 2) I want to be able to make a meaningful contribution to the quality of people's lives through my ideas. 3) I want a loving, supportive companion who inspires me and with whom we can share all life's adventures, in joy and sorrow, from the mundane to the carrying out of the crazy schemes we devise together.

 

I am in the process of fulfilling #1 and it's hard because it's by definition a long, slow, arduous, solitary process. The fulfillment of #1 would automatically partially fulfill #2, but in the process since I have to work a day job I would like to be in one where I feel I contribute meaningfully to the things that impact people's quality of life. #3 I can deal with being single but it's really hard when being single also means being socially isolated, which I am now. I truly feel invisible and just deathly alone. I don't know how to fix this.

 

I feel your hug; thanks

[Zapbasket]

I don't want to trivialize but have you tried the simple gesture of sitting down with a friend over a beer or coffee and just pouring your heart out?

Or even to your Mom, Grammy, favorite aunt just a good old fashioned heart to heart?

Just hoping your not holding all this in and trying to cope on your own.

 

That's the thing--I am holding it in and coping on my own. Only I'm not coping so well. These past three years especially have just been exhausting. I was traumatized by the breakup of my last relationship, which was 3 years ago to the day. I was unprepared for how much it would hurt me, especially given I now know, and even knew at the time, it was for the best. I have been broken, I went through a period where I contemplated suicide, I have been in therapy where I had to look at a long past history of abuse which was a dark realization process in and of itself, and where I live I have no close friends. I have a mom and she gets mean when I am at my most troubled, so the past three years with her have been no picnic and in fact though I've begged her, she has not visited me where I live in three years. So it has been very hard, and though I know myself to be a strong person, it all has taken such a toll on me that I feel like I'm just...petering out.

 

You can also (or maybe you have) get tested by your doctor for depression and anxiety. I did this and my doctor gave me a low dose medicine to help the imbalance and my emotions feel more bearable.

 

Two years ago when I found myself calling the Nat'l Suicide Hotline several times a week, I did get a low-dose antidepressant that I took up until about a year ago. Not sure if it actually helped. Maybe i should go to the doctor again and see about going on an antidepressant again, or at least a sleeping pill.

 

You could just be overwhelmed and isolating yourself.

I say reach out to people that love you.

Also most churches are open during the day.

you can find a quiet pew and go and say a prayer, maybe turn to faith to find comfort and help.

I will say a prayer for you.

 

Thank you. It's all true what you say. I have been on a very painful existential journey. The pain felt like a necessary part of the process, and it no doubt is, but now I'm just feeling pain and unhappiness to a degree where it no longer seems to have a point. I do meditate and go on long "walking meditations" alone in the wilderness, but this summer even that has been more difficult than usual because I'm so lonely that the thought of spending several days alone in the woods is unbearable where it used to be something I craved.

 

What do you do when you are so sad that you know you should try to reach out to someone, but you risk over-burdening them? It has been hard to go through what has been the hardest time of my life these past few years while also trying to make new friends in a new part of the country, in a new industry to me that I'm trying to adjust to, in a new kind of lifestyle so very different from what I was ever used to. I held up and held up and held up and kept all my pain to myself and put on that good face, and now I feel like I'm falling apart.

[Zapbasket]

I think this is it right here. You are lonely and don't have much of a support system. I have often thought of moving somewhere different, but I have never done so for one reason and one reason alone. My support system is here. My family and close friends are here. Even though I do struggle, at least I do have them to fall back on. You don't have any of that where you live. I can't even imagine how hard that would be. I'm sure you have acquaintances that you could grab lunch with but no close friends. I have some close friends here that I know I could count on in a pinch and that I could divulge my problems too. They aren't in my everyday life, which can be lonely, but they are there when I need them. People I have known for a long time.

 

I think you are struggling with a profound loneliness because you are isolated in the extreme. You are emotionally isolated. That might be one of the things I fear the most in life. Being alone. I think we all fear that. Outlasting our friends and family and finding ourselves alone. When you ask people what their biggest fears are when they die, they say dying alone. Because people were made for companionship. So I can't even imagine how difficult this had been for you.

 

Is there anyplace you could move that would already have a built in support system? I know you don't get along so well with your mom. What about any friends?

 

 

You've hit the nail on the head. I feel like I'm going through all this struggle, and no one around me knows what is happening in my head and heart and how much turmoil I've been through, or how much isolation. I think all the anguish I've been through has maybe made it more difficult to make new friends.

 

I do have a best friend back east who would love it if I moved back. My other friends from when I lived back east have mostly all scattered, or the friendships are no longer. What made this breakup really hard was that it was the last among friendships / romances where I realized the relationship was one-sided. I had to drop a number of friends, people I thought at one time were close friends. It was hard. I had hoped that I could rebuild, living here, and that has proven hugely difficult, as well--but I can't tell if it's really all the culture of the place, or whether it's all I've been through.

 

I don't blame you for staying put for the sake of your support network. My whole move to Colorado and all these succeeding years have shown me just how key a good support network is. You can surmount anything when you're well-connected. Less so when you are isolated.

[Zapbasket]

And just to go back to the photo of the ex that triggered this sad thought train....

 

Why is it seemingly so easy for some people to find meaningful relationships and overall success in life, when for others, it's so hard?

 

This ex of mine from 10 years ago, mutual friends thought I should have broken up with him early on, because he couldn't meet me all the way in terms of emotional openness, awareness, and maturity. I felt that, too, but as is (was?) my tendency, I made excuses for him over the 5 years we were together.

 

As time wore on after our breakup, I came to realize that he just never had very good emotional resources or emotional courage. Not just in how he was in our relationship, but also in his life. "Life is just a resume," he said many times. "I seek out minimal emotional connection with other people," he said.

 

So how did he seem to get through life these past ten years so swimmingly, while I have struggled and have none of the markers of success for an almost 40-year-old person? I really doubt he did any work to overcome his emotional reticence, distance and rigidity. So did all that just...fix itself as the years passed? If so, then why have I had to work so hard to try to change some of my unhealthy relationship patterns? Why has it been so hard for me to make friends? To succeed in a job enough that I make a truly good living?

[Toodaloo]

I guess it depends on how you measure success...

 

Some people need money and flash cars to make them feel as though they are worthy. Some just need the clothes on their back. So who would you consider more successful? Perhaps the one with cars as they obviously "have" a lot? Perhaps the one with nothing because their happiness is self contained and not dependent on others or things?

 

What I have learnt is that those who seem to have the perfect life often don't. Everyone has their trials and tribulations.

 

A chap I met down the pub the other night. On the outside they have everything. Big house (paid off before he was 35 and in my area that is RARE!), big cars, two gorgeous children... On the outside all looks dandy. On the inside he is miserable, stressed. He knows that he and his partner are probably going to split up and he has no idea how to do anything about it... He is a deeply unhappy man. The family pictures on facebook show otherwise...

 

Judge yourself by your own standards and leave others to look themselves in the mirror.

 

Your path is different. No less important or worthy just different. Accept and love who you are.

[Zapbasket]

A chap I met down the pub the other night. On the outside they have everything. Big house (paid off before he was 35 and in my area that is RARE!), big cars, two gorgeous children... On the outside all looks dandy. On the inside he is miserable, stressed. He knows that he and his partner are probably going to split up and he has no idea how to do anything about it... He is a deeply unhappy man. The family pictures on facebook show otherwise...

 

Thanks for this reminder. It's like that saying, "Don't compare your inside to someone's outside." I think I was just struck with how naturally and fully my ex was smiling in that photo. I'd never seen him smile like that, with his eyes and his whole mouth, rather than dead eyes and just half a smile.

 

Judge yourself by your own standards and leave others to look themselves in the mirror.

 

I want creative freedom. Not just to write, but to live my life the way I want to, even if it means on a ranch in a small mountain town, or traveling all around the world. I get stressed by the feeling that I need to have money, to be financially free before I can be creatively free. Yet none of the things I'm interested in are inherently lucrative. Sometimes I beat up on myself for not pursuing something more lucrative, like clinical psychology, or law. And I beat up on myself for frankly not really liking or fitting in with standard corporate jobs at all.

 

Your path is different. No less important or worthy just different. Accept and love who you are.

 

:love:Thanks, Toodaloo. I'm working on it. It's just what they don't tell us is that that is the hardest and most painful work.

 

I vow that if I ever get to have a child, I am going to make sure that every day I teach her something, or show her something, or treat her in a way that fosters self-acceptance and her own appreciation for all her magic. I will do everything I can in an effort to insure that she does not grow up believing on some level that she is unworthy.