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Insecure men?

katyturple

By katyturple
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katyturple New Member

katyturple

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I am a hard 9/10 with a great personality/sense of humor and I've always liked the quirky type of men (I go for personality, and I'm not a golddigger). I have a male friend I've known for several years and he's made little moves on me in the past (I am out of his league), but I told him I saw us as just friends and we stayed friends all this time.

 

He expressed interest in me again the other day, and I didn't respond to it, but the day after I had a crazy realization that I now like him. (part of it was him and I just becoming different people in all this time, and also me letting go of this other guy I had been all wrapped up in for years). I've been hinting re; text that I want to maybe give it a shot with him. Now all of a sudden he's blowing me off and avoiding me. I know that this is his own insecurity but what do I do in this situation? Also I am from the east coast, where men are MEN and are much more aggressive.

 

I live in LA now and this situation has happened to me MULTIPLE times out here (man expresses interest, then once I express it back, they start avoiding me like the plague. It's bizarre!! Note though: it only happens with men in their 20's/30's usually, and the ones who it doesn't happen with are usually super cocky.)

 

What is up with all these insecure men nowadays? Is it performance anxiety and he's just waiting until he feels ready to sleep with me that he'll respond? Any advice appreciated...

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Zapbasket Established Member

Zapbasket

Posted
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See what this guy has got by being direct and confident yourself. Don't "hint"; tell him directly that as your friendship has evolved you've realized you've started to see him as potentially more than a friend, and ask him if he still feels the same. If yes, ask him on a date. If no, harbor no ill feelings and just continue with the friendship. If he acts all weird about it, then maybe he's just not worth the energy.

 

When people give mixed messages, either steer clear or make them get clear.

 

I know, easier said than done.

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todreaminblue Established Member

todreaminblue

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I also think honesty is the best policy, straight up and to the point....no games or hidden thoughts to decipher.....for me personally...its the only way to go....you rejected him once before maybe he is afraid it will happen again...you have now been friends for years.....he may be confused as to your intentions...so be honest...be upfront..

 

explain to him yoru feelings have intensified and changed and that you needed to have gotten over the guy you had a thing for, to truly see who was important to you...explain to him why you are interested now why you see him as more than a friend....and be upfront..open and warm...i hope it works out for you...good luck...deb

preraph Established Member

preraph

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Maybe he simply doesn't like available women. Maybe he only feels safe enough to pursue or flirt when he knows you're not really available. You know, I had a chihuahua growing up on an acreage, and she chased everything that moved. But one day in the horse pasture, she charged after a tiny little field bunny but the bunny was so young that it didn't know what to do, so it just turned around and faced her. And my chihuahua screached to halt, did an about-face and ran back to me! Just sayin'

 

Now, you're a 9. Why not go after someone who can match you in strength. You wouldn't be happy with an insecure guy. Nobody much is.

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Sunkissedpatio Established Member

Sunkissedpatio

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It's interesting how you are quick to dismiss this as "his insecurity" but it may be less insecurity and more self respect on his part.

 

You didn't get rejected after showing interest, you got rejected after repeatedly rejecting him and then one day out of the blue showing sudden interest in him when he was possibly no longer open to it.

 

If you want him try to get a chance to explain to him you needed to get over things with your past guy and that is the only reason you weren't ready for your friend.

 

Good luck

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bachdude Established Member

bachdude

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uhmmm.....I know this may come as shock to someone who is a hard 9/10 with a great personality and who is out of this guy's league, but maybe he's no longer interested?

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Daisy-oliviaWentcher Established Member

Daisy-oliviaWentcher

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Getting rejected sucks and that's perhaps what he was maybe feeling. How can he be sure if your intentions are honest and honourable if before you regularly and consistently rejected him? Even if you were to explain it to him that things have changed, he might need you to prove it to him that you're for real this time.

 

I would take him out for a coffee, tell him it's on you and explain that you were an idiot, you were sorry, and the best guy for you was right under your nose the whole time. This time, you want things with the two of you to head in a romantic direction instead of a platonic one. Tell him, that if he is still interested in pursuing a romantic relationship, you're more than welcome to start at HIS pace. Apologise and be direct about what it is you now want.

 

If he no longer sees a romantic relationship with you in the future, it may mean that this guy was never supposed to be yours in the first place. Best of luck!

basil67 Established Member

basil67

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I think it's not so much about men being insecure.....but more about them realising that they want a little more humility in a partner. Why would a man want a woman who views herself as being out of his league?

 

Anyway, I agree that he's probably been put off by you rejecting him for so long and has now given his self esteem a much needed kick up the rear end. He's not settling for a woman who thinks she's above him.

Edited by basil67
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katyturple New Member

katyturple

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It's interesting how you are quick to dismiss this as "his insecurity" but it may be less insecurity and more self respect on his part.

 

You didn't get rejected after showing interest, you got rejected after repeatedly rejecting him and then one day out of the blue showing sudden interest in him when he was possibly no longer open to it.

 

If you want him try to get a chance to explain to him you needed to get over things with your past guy and that is the only reason you weren't ready for your friend.

 

Good luck

 

Hi - I have actually told him that I had moved on from that guy, and his next flirtation came after that. I had spoken the information as if he were a girlfriend though, like I did in the past. I then sent him a text later on apologizing for bringing it up, explaining that I was only speaking about it not because I was venting about the guy, but because it was something that I had let go, and it was an old habit to talk to him about my dating life. The avoidance on his part has come AFTER I sent him this message, but not before.

Sunkissedpatio Established Member

Sunkissedpatio

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Hi - I have actually told him that I had moved on from that guy, and his next flirtation came after that. I had spoken the information as if he were a girlfriend though, like I did in the past. I then sent him a text later on apologizing for bringing it up, explaining that I was only speaking about it not because I was venting about the guy, but because it was something that I had let go, and it was an old habit to talk to him about my dating life. The avoidance on his part has come AFTER I sent him this message, but not before.

 

Oh ok, thanks for explaining that.

 

So how have you been hinting at wanting to get back with him can you give examples? Your hints might have to turn into full on asks if you want him to know where you are coming from. Maybe your hints are too subtle and he already feels very friendzoned so..

 

Because what you did up there with apologizing for bringing it up might have left him confused. As in, you have always seen him as a bud but now you don't even want that...?

 

I dunnow I can't see what you wanted to achieve by texting him an apology for venting about the guy?

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Zapbasket Established Member

Zapbasket

Posted
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Hi - I have actually told him that I had moved on from that guy, and his next flirtation came after that. I had spoken the information as if he were a girlfriend though, like I did in the past. I then sent him a text later on apologizing for bringing it up, explaining that I was only speaking about it not because I was venting about the guy, but because it was something that I had let go, and it was an old habit to talk to him about my dating life. The avoidance on his part has come AFTER I sent him this message, but not before.

 

He's probably wondering what has changed that you suddenly feel you can't talk to him about your dating life. The intention of your text is murky and he probably doesn't know how to respond. If he still harbors romantic feelings for you and hopes there might now be a chance with you single again, he can't really reply, "No worries; you can talk to me about your dating life anytime!" Your text suggests something has changed without saying exactly WHAT. This leaves him with nothing he can really say.

 

Yet again, texting proves to be an inadequate method for communicating meaningful things. This stuff should never be texted. Ask to meet him for a coffee, and get it all in the open, including--nay, starting with--what exactly you meant by your text.

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aileD Established Member

aileD

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Maybe you're out of his league. :rolleyes:

 

Maybe he's out of your league. :rolleyes:

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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Gloria25 Established Member

Gloria25

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After you deflecting him for so long, he probably is leery of why you're all of a sudden interested.

 

Or,

 

He indeed is an insecure person and felt more comfortable as an orbiter rather than the real thing.

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SammySammy Established Member

SammySammy

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I think two things are happening:

 

1) When he did show interest, you rebuffed him. Some guys are not interested in playing those sort of games. Having to keep coming back after being rejected to "prove" he's not "insecure".

 

2) If you're in LA, 9/10 is nothing special. For men who can pull 9s and 10s, women like you are a dime a dozen in LA. You might have been "out of his league" back east, but he's seen 50 girls like you today alone. No big deal to forget about you and holla at the next one.

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Teddius Member

Teddius

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OP, perhaps he contemplated and assessed the situation further and doesn't believe you are over the other guy, yet. You said yourself that you are over the other guy but then contradict yourself by saying that you needed to let go of issues pertaining to him. Meaning, you have yet to let go of them. And if you are out of his league to begin with, as you said, then the fact that you spoke about the other guy in that manner may have spooked him from attempting to date you.

Sunkissedpatio Established Member

Sunkissedpatio

Posted
Posted

 

2) If you're in LA, 9/10 is nothing special. For men who can pull 9s and 10s, women like you are a dime a dozen in LA. You might have been "out of his league" back east, but he's seen 50 girls like you today alone. No big deal to forget about you and holla at the next one.

 

Gees you can't refrain from posting your veiled insults in people's threads....don't you get tired of being so angry all the time?

 

This made no sense. The man in question in the OP can't pull 9s the OP already said she is way out of his league so she is still a 9 to him. He may have lost interest in her but your theory doesn't apply AT ALL.

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SammySammy Established Member

SammySammy

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Gees you can't refrain from posting your veiled insults in people's threads....don't you get tired of being so angry all the time?

 

This made no sense. The man in question in the OP can't pull 9s the OP already said she is way out of his league so she is still a 9 to him. He may have lost interest in her but your theory doesn't apply AT ALL.

 

Apparently, he can. She's now interested in him. Maybe he didn't think she was out of his league at all. Which is the truth because she's not out of his league at all. If she was, she wouldn't now be interested or concerned about him being "insecure".

Sunkissedpatio Established Member

Sunkissedpatio

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No, I got the impression she is interested in him because they have been friends for many years I get the sense that if he were to hit on her at a bar as a stranger she might not give him the time of day, hence her assumption he is insecure. She's up here, he's over here. (one hand is held higher than the other) According to the OP.

SammySammy Established Member

SammySammy

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The fact remains, if he can be with her ... and he can ... then she's not out of his league.

Versacehottie Established Member

Versacehottie

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I think two things are happening:

 

1) When he did show interest, you rebuffed him. Some guys are not interested in playing those sort of games. Having to keep coming back after being rejected to "prove" he's not "insecure".

 

2) If you're in LA, 9/10 is nothing special. For men who can pull 9s and 10s, women like you are a dime a dozen in LA. You might have been "out of his league" back east, but he's seen 50 girls like you today alone. No big deal to forget about you and holla at the next one.

 

I agree with this and the OP's statement that guys in NYC are more forward and persistent than LA guys. It's a noticeable difference. Maybe he's caught LA fever: because yes #2 above is very true and once the guys realize there are good looking girls all around them here, their perspective changes.

salparadise Established Member

salparadise

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It amazes me how you presume that being rejected x-number times he'll always be waiting in line when you decide circle back around. Maybe some of the glitter wore off when he got the message about you being out of his league. A guy learns that shiny on the surface doesn't mean anything unless it's affirmed by humility underneath. Maybe he's like, eh, not really a fan of roller coasters after all... or women who believe they're out of my league.

 

It is interesting to see the utter dismay of a self-affirmed, out-of-league 10 in the unlikely circumstance of not getting exactly what she wants when she wants it.

 

I'd say stick with the cocky types. You'll automatically find something in common.

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insert_name Established Member

insert_name

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No, I got the impression she is interested in him because they have been friends for many years I get the sense that if he were to hit on her at a bar as a stranger she might not give him the time of day, hence her assumption he is insecure. She's up here, he's over here. (one hand is held higher than the other) According to the OP.

 

And that is the salient point here, it is great self esteem shown by OP to put herself in a higher league than him but ultimately those league categorisations only exist in people's heads and essentially only mean something to the individual.

 

I can appreciate looking at an attractive girl as much as the next man but if her attitude isn't on point she can be an 11 but I wouldn't date her which, to me, puts me out of her league. She won't see it that way and that is perfectly fair, we are all allowed to decide how we feel we relate to someone else's overall attractiveness.

 

This guy may be stunned by OP's beauty or he may know her well enough to know there are character flaws that mean she is undateable as far as he is concerned.

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BluEyeL Established Member

BluEyeL

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Looks are not everything and after getting rejected he probably simply lost interest. I don't think it's because he's insecure.

 

If a guy rejected me before and came around later, I don't think I'll start dating him, as I do not like to feel like someone a "9" is settling for. It's a turn off, and once turned off, it's done. Over time, looks fade, so some people prefer to also look at other compatibility indicators. For me, stability (emotional etc.) is big, so someone who flip flops wouldn't really seem to be a good prospect.

  • Like 1
ChatroomHero Established Member

ChatroomHero

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I had a girl I was interested in that hung out in a group with me for about 4-5 years. I thought she was an 11 at the time, but she had low interest.

 

 

I saw her again after not seeing her for about 2-3 years and it ended up with her grabbing my crotch at one point in public, suddenly she was interested. Honestly, I just didn't find her all that attractive anymore. It wasn't that she was in any way ugly or I felt jilted...just over time I just lost attraction.

 

 

They do say that behind every stunning woman is a man who is sick of her sh*t and I have found as I get older it is generally true. If you talked with him like girlfriends, he may have over time decided his physical attraction to you doesn't trump his desire to not get involved with you as anything other than a friend simply because he knows what he would have to deal with.

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jen1447 Established Member

jen1447

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Now all of a sudden he's blowing me off and avoiding me. I know that this is his own insecurity but what do I do in this situation?

 

I'd try to be honest w yourself and take a hard look at what's likely to happen here. It's doubtful you'll just go all in permanently on a guy you've FZed for a long time before, so most likely he'd end up discarded after the temp shine wore off and a new guy or guys got on your radar. He may see that more clearly than you and want nothing to do w it.

 

Hard to say for sure tho, I'm sure you're both more 3 dimensional than a couple posts on here can show.

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