How often OP leaves their spouse? Marrying the wrong person?

[olivkazp]

I endorse MidnightBlue's post #

 

 

 

I can tell you with regard to the 4 girls I knew whose husbands actually left them for the OP (not got discovered and got kicked out ) they left within 3 months of meeting the AP.

 

1 stayed with the AP until his death (they never married) which was about 10 years. He was married 20 years before and was a serial cheater.

 

1 married the AP and died about a year later from stomach cancer. He was married 20 years, also a serial cheat and a heavy drinker.

 

1 married the AP and they are still together. He was also married about 20 years.

 

1 married the AP and then cheated on her after 2 years. She divorced him.

 

A common pattern with all these events is that the man was about 35/40 ish and his AP was about 10 years younger. Mid-life crisis anyone?

 

Mid-life crisis... What about us? We both are in late twenties...

[MidnightBlue1980]

Hmm, I must disagree with this one. It's generalization while no man or woman is the same. My sister cheated on her husband, but all she ever wanted was sex and money. My male friend cheated on his wife because she didn't treat him well and he was looking for a female friend with intention of falling in love with her. That's only two examples but there's a lot more.

 

Of course it is a generalization. But they exist for a reason. Here is another:

 

Assume you are the rule, other than the exception.

 

Listen, I'm not being mean. I'm here on this board with you. I'm just trying to help you see reality before you waste years.

[olivkazp]

You want a married man to leave his pregnant wife for you because you want him for yourself. You are wanting a child to grow up without both parents because you think that his Mother is the wrong person for his Father.

 

Love is not in taking it is in giving. Even if this man were to leave his wife and child for you, how would you be able to look at yourself in the mirror? How would you feel knowing that you were the reason his first family was split apart?

 

If the tables were turned and you were the pregnant wife, wouldn’t you want the other woman to back-off and stay away from your husband? Wouldn’t you want her to move on with her life and find a single and an available man? This is her husband we’re talking about and she is pregnant with his child; her husband and the child she is carrying may be all the family she has in the world.

 

Why are setting your mind on somebody else’s husband? Seriously! Please, show some compassion.

 

You know what, if my husband left me for someone else I'd wonder why I actually married him in the first place... Because if he was looking on the side, it means he never truly loved me and I was blind not to see it.

 

Plus I never said I want him to leave his wife, he mentioned it first.

 

A child to grow up without both parents?? Are they going to die??

No matter what, parents will always be there, I believe.

 

Would I be able to look at myself in the mirror? Yes, I would. And you know why? I don't see it as a tragedy. My mum got divorced with her first husband because he has cheated on her. They have a daughter (my half sister). After divorce my mum met my dad (29 years ago) and what do I see? A happy couple. Can you imagine us all sitting by one table? Well, we've spent Christmas together. My parents, my sister and her dad with his OW, plus their grandchildren as well. Was it bad? No, we had fun, we laughed, we enjoyed our company, no hate, just love and I believe everything is possible if we really want it.

 

I don't want to feel guilty for falling for someone that let me to fall for him.

[olivkazp]

Of course it is a generalization. But they exist for a reason. Here is another:

 

Assume you are the rule, other than the exception.

 

Listen, I'm not being mean. I'm here on this board with you. I'm just trying to help you see reality before you waste years.

 

But it's stupid, it's like saying that every blonde girl is dumb, or every darkskin person is dangerous.

[olivkazp]

"what has he told you about why he is unhappy with his current relationship?"

I have NEVER asked!

[loveisanaction]

I really like this post. I totally agree with your point of view. It's a different side of the story.

 

In this case, I know him very well. We're more than lovers, we are friends. We're here for each other, I can rely on him and vice versa. We are very close. My life will definitely be empty without him. We make each other laugh and he always tries to comfort me when I'm down. He said that "it's his duty to make sure I'm happy". And he always check on me. We are very compatible, we share same interests, we almost never argue because he's very laid back and accept me the way I am. We piss off one another sometimes but go through it. He always knows when something is wrong and we work on it, we actually communicate. He works a lot, he's ambitious and smart. So do I. We're both very socialite and go well with people. And I'd talk about it for hours..... Basically, he saw me happy, down, upset, angry... I think we both seen each other in every possible situation... I know the real him and that's why I fell for him. When he comes to visit me, we don't always have sex. We love each other's company.

 

Ok now, I do trust him which maybe is unusual...(?) Why do I trust him while he actually cheats on his wife? Because I know there's no one else. I don't even have a little fear of him cheating on me. I'm different, if he cheats on me... I will let him go, it'd definitely his loss, not mine. It'd obviously hurt, but I won't cry over him forever.

 

Another thing, I'd fully accept that his wife and baby will always be in his life and I'm able to help them, to be for them. I don't hate anyone, I accept the situation as it is.

 

And finally, let's talk a little about his wife. I've never met her personally, we don't talk much about her. From what I know, he really respect her... I am not sure if he still lovers her, or if he ever did. And yes, I'm a little surprised with the fact that he wants to be with me. I was secretly hoping about us being together, but always thought he will never leave his spouse. I know he does things with me that they don't do, I know that she goes nuts very often, we both very similar women but he "sees in me and feels for me something he never saw and felt for anyone ever before", and it may be the case.

 

I know I want him, I don't want anyone else. I don't even look at other guys and there's plenty of them around me. No one is as attractive and interesting as my MM (in my head, of course). I want to build a family with him, help in raising their children and be happy. And if he decides to stay with his wife, I'll accept it, too.

 

So, I actually think it's a real thing.

 

 

If you think for one second that your married man is cheating on his wife because he doesn't love her then you are more naive than i thought.

 

You say that if he cheated on you that you would leave him. So, it's okay that he cheats with you but not on you. I'm sorry but you are a hypocrite.

 

You say you don't love him because you don't know what love is yet you want to build a family with him and help raise his children. Right!

 

Every other woman believes that she is different, that she is special and that her married man will never do to her what he is doing to his wife. Every other woman believes that was she has with her married man is real and yet look around you and see how many of them are here because their married man talked the talk but didn't walk the walk....and even with the *real* love you share with your married man......you are here too.

 

You say if he decides to stay with his wife that time will tell if you stay with him or walk. So, there's even a possibility that you'll still stay with him even if he doesn't get divorced. You're going to great lengths for a man who does not even belong to you, one that you claim that you don't even love.

 

Selah...

[Tayla]

Since you titled yourself a mistress I will follow the experience of a lady I knew in Europe. She was a mistress with the full blessings of the family. (His).

 

She provided the private moments and even confidante' stature. She dearly loved him. So if that is your scenario.. Then be well and enjoy it. My European friend had no desire to marry... She enjoyed what they had.

 

If though you are being deceptive and preferring to intercede on a closed marriage... Then you are right... That is not a loving thing to be involved in.

 

If he divorces and marries you... Then so be it. You have as much chance as anyone to remain faithful.. You both are proof of that.

[MidnightBlue1980]

You know what, if my husband left me for someone else I'd wonder why I actually married him in the first place... Because if he was looking on the side, it means he never truly loved me and I was blind not to see it.

 

Plus I never said I want him to leave his wife, he mentioned it first.

 

A child to grow up without both parents?? Are they going to die??

No matter what, parents will always be there, I believe.

 

Would I be able to look at myself in the mirror? Yes, I would. And you know why? I don't see it as a tragedy. My mum got divorced with her first husband because he has cheated on her. They have a daughter (my half sister). After divorce my mum met my dad (29 years ago) and what do I see? A happy couple. Can you imagine us all sitting by one table? Well, we've spent Christmas together. My parents, my sister and her dad with his OW, plus their grandchildren as well. Was it bad? No, we had fun, we laughed, we enjoyed our company, no hate, just love and I believe everything is possible if we really want it.

 

I don't want to feel guilty for falling for someone that let me to fall for him.

 

What are you looking for from us? You have a lot of happy faces in your posts. I don't understand. You are talking to a lot of women like yourself, plus a few brave souls and good Samaritans. Read some posts. See the pain.

[Arieswoman]

Did I miss the post where the OP says her MM's wife is pregnant ?

[MuddyFootprints]

Keep reading and keep questioning. He's the one who needs to address the most important questions. It's feet to the fire time.

[Hazyhead]

I am married to my former MM. The stages you talk about, about the going back and forth and the sitting on the fence for a while, all happened. If I had to tell you how we finally moved forward to something very different and real, it would be after I called it a day for definite and moved far away. I was happy, living a new life, meeting new people and loving it. In the meantime, he divorces his wife, sorts out somewhere new to live, puts shared residency for his child (who was a small baby during the affair) in order, then contacts me to say he wants a proper relationship, albeit a distance one.

 

I still loved him, so I decided to give it a shot. I continued to live my life exactly as I was doing, new friends, new social opportunities and a lot of distance between us, but he took every opportunity to come and visit me and fit around me for a change!

 

The affair fog, or whatever you want to call it, doesn't last forever. Your relationship has to then deal with everyday things that you didn't really need to consider before. People say that at this stage former affair relationships start to fail, but ours only grew stronger (although we had our share of arguments).

 

I now find it hard to believe the circumstances in which we began as they seem very far from our reality. We have a small child together and his child from the previous marriage for half the week - we are very content.

 

I think you can't force a married person to divorce, it is entirely a move they must make for themselves, perhaps with you nowhere near so they have complete clarity. I don't mean that you must give him an ultimatum, instead just live your own life as if he were not a part of it. You seem to have a lot in common and I think you do love him, ever beyond the 'affair fog'.

 

Good luck with it.

[NewLeaf512]

I really like this post. I totally agree with your point of view. It's a different side of the story.

 

In this case, I know him very well. We're more than lovers, we are friends. We're here for each other, I can rely on him and vice versa. We are very close. My life will definitely be empty without him. We make each other laugh and he always tries to comfort me when I'm down. He said that "it's his duty to make sure I'm happy". And he always check on me. We are very compatible, we share same interests, we almost never argue because he's very laid back and accept me the way I am. We piss off one another sometimes but go through it. He always knows when something is wrong and we work on it, we actually communicate. He works a lot, he's ambitious and smart. So do I. We're both very socialite and go well with people. And I'd talk about it for hours..... Basically, he saw me happy, down, upset, angry... I think we both seen each other in every possible situation... I know the real him and that's why I fell for him. When he comes to visit me, we don't always have sex. We love each other's company.

 

Ok now, I do trust him which maybe is unusual...(?) Why do I trust him while he actually cheats on his wife? Because I know there's no one else. I don't even have a little fear of him cheating on me. I'm different, if he cheats on me... I will let him go, it'd definitely his loss, not mine. It'd obviously hurt, but I won't cry over him forever.

 

Another thing, I'd fully accept that his wife and baby will always be in his life and I'm able to help them, to be for them. I don't hate anyone, I accept the situation as it is.

 

And finally, let's talk a little about his wife. I've never met her personally, we don't talk much about her. From what I know, he really respect her... I am not sure if he still lovers her, or if he ever did. And yes, I'm a little surprised with the fact that he wants to be with me. I was secretly hoping about us being together, but always thought he will never leave his spouse. I know he does things with me that they don't do, I know that she goes nuts very often, we both very similar women but he "sees in me and feels for me something he never saw and felt for anyone ever before", and it may be the case.

 

I know I want him, I don't want anyone else. I don't even look at other guys and there's plenty of them around me. No one is as attractive and interesting as my MM (in my head, of course). I want to build a family with him, help in raising their children and be happy. And if he decides to stay with his wife, I'll accept it, too.

 

So, I actually think it's a real thing.

 

I'm an exOW. This is a fact: he doesn't respect either of you. You don't cheat on someone you respect and you don't marginalise the other woman to be a mistress and a dirty secret. Please think of how this really is.

[Katyp]

I endorse MidnightBlue's post #

 

 

 

I can tell you with regard to the 4 girls I knew whose husbands actually left them for the OP (not got discovered and got kicked out ) they left within 3 months of meeting the AP.

 

1 stayed with the AP until his death (they never married) which was about 10 years. He was married 20 years before and was a serial cheater.

 

1 married the AP and died about a year later from stomach cancer. He was married 20 years, also a serial cheat and a heavy drinker.

 

1 married the AP and they are still together. He was also married about 20 years.

 

1 married the AP and then cheated on her after 2 years. She divorced him.

 

A common pattern with all these events is that the man was about 35/40 ish and his AP was about 10 years younger. Mid-life crisis anyone?

 

Ha ha. How very true. I was about 23 at the time and my XMM was 34. They don't stop cheating though. They just carry on with someone else.

[imsosad]

My AP and I both left our marriages and we are now living together.

Our A was a brief EA. We were then NC for a year. Both our divorces are nearly done.

Despite my personal experience, I believe that most affairs will never amount to anything. I dont think it is about who you meet and how in love you are with them,it is about how over the marriage is.

My now partner fully admits that if I were willing, he would have been happy to carry on a long term affair. He reckons at some point he would have wanted more too,but given the oppurtunity to cake eat,he would.

On the flip side, had he not been willing to leave and be together for real, I would have carried on NC no matter how heartbroken id have been (and i was totally,hopelessly,completely heartbroken for a year and i dont think id have felt any different by now)

What I am trying to say is, that sometimes APs really do dall in love but dont end up together for dozens of reasons. It could have turned out very different for us as well, had our financial situation been less stable or if we didnt trust our respective spouses to be able to co parent.

We have been legitimately together for a few months and it has been easier than I expected. Having said that, there are challanges and i really regret that this is how we started out, it sort of taints it for me. We hurt a lot of people for the sake of our happiness and i cant forget that.

My advice to you is to listen to the wise poster who told you to regard yourself as the rule. Dont listen to what he says. Pay close attention to what he does.

[anika99]

Actually I think non cheaters who are unhappily married are more likely to divorce than cheaters are. People who are miserable in their marriage but have a strong stance against cheating will choose divorce over an affair. Cheaters will get comfortable with the status quo of having a spouse and an affair partner and will stay in that selfish situation forever unless the spouse or the AP force the cheater to make a choice.

[heartwhole]

I think that the way that you go about the affair affects your future chances. Imsosad walked away and dealt with ending her marriage. Her partner did the same. I think a lot of affairs continue because one or both partners think, "Well, I don't know if this is love or long-term material or whatnot, so we'd better keep having an affair to find out." But sadly that rarely leads to clarity or conviction and usually just more heartache. The more you invest in something, the harder it is to extricate yourself. You get into "sunk cost fallacy" territory.

[Katyp]

I don't remember reading anywhere how long the two of you have been having an affair.

 

I was in an A for 7 years when I was 23/24 and we were the best of friends. He used to tell me that he could not choose between me or his wife as he loved us both and that I was helping him keep his marriage going. I dumped him after 7 years and he disappeared immediately and there was NC ever since. The reason why I am telling you this is you are deluding yourself and he is using you. Plain and simple. He will tell you anything you want to hear while the sex is flowing. If you dump him he will just look for someone else for free sex instead. My XMM is still married to his wife but I know he will have had lots of other affairs after me. I feel sorry for his wife because I know she has been living a lie all these years and I have had a very lucky escape.

Edited August 23, 2016 by Katyp

[wmacbride]

 

 

And finally, let's talk a little about his wife. I've never met her personally, we don't talk much about her. From what I know, he really respect her... I am not sure if he still lovers her, or if he ever did.

 

 

No offense, but do your realize how absurd that sounds? He respects her, yet he is sleeping with you behind her back? This is how he treats someone he "respects"?

 

It sounds as if his wife is either expecting or has a small baby. He treats the woman he got pregnant with respect by cheating on her, possibly tainting one of the most precious times in her life?

 

I get that you may not see much of a problem with men cheating, but many women do not share your view, and I highly suspect she is one who does not. Her husband knows she is not okay with him seeing another woman, yet he does it anyway. he does NOT respect her.Whether he loves her or not, who can say, as his version of "love" sounds quite hurtful.

 

As much as you might not like to hear it, you and his wife are two sides of the same coin. Just as you wax poetic about your relationship with him, I expect she does the same thing. She probably thinks he loves her, is a good husband and provider, they have fun together, and have a child who is the product of the love they share.

 

Her vision of the life is very different than the reality. What makes you think your vision of your relationship with him not different than the reality?

[DKT3]

From everything I've read on the topic , it's clear about two things. One, when a mm leaves his marriage it happens pretty quick. If your 2, 3, 4 years into an affair it's not likely he will ever leave.

 

Secondly, most mm that leave would have done so without having an AP.

[imsosad]

No offense, but do your realize how absurd that sounds? He respects her, yet he is sleeping with you behind her back? This is how he treats someone he "respects"?

 

It sounds as if his wife is either expecting or has a small baby. He treats the woman he got pregnant with respect by cheating on her, possibly tainting one of the most precious times in her life?

 

I get that you may not see much of a problem with men cheating, but many women do not share your view, and I highly suspect she is one who does not. Her husband knows she is not okay with him seeing another woman, yet he does it anyway. he does NOT respect her.Whether he loves her or not, who can say, as his version of "love" sounds quite hurtful.

 

As much as you might not like to hear it, you and his wife are two sides of the same coin. Just as you wax poetic about your relationship with him, I expect she does the same thing. She probably thinks he loves her, is a good husband and provider, they have fun together, and have a child who is the product of the love they share.

 

Her vision of the life is very different than the reality. What makes you think your vision of your relationship with him not different than the reality?

 

So,so true.

I want to add that if you guys really do take the next step, you will both have to be very honest about how you got there. Accepting his narrative as is will get you nowhere. Challange him and yourself. He is making a hurtful choice. What does it mean to yoy? What does it mean to him?

Telling yourselves he just married the wrong person and everything will be completely different with you is both unrealistic and damaging.It is too simplistic and immature to acfept that as a reason for cheating on his pregnant wife. I know,because my AP's wife was also pregnant when we met. Also, dont assume that just because he is cheating,he does not love her. Yes, he is choosing a hurtful and disrespecful course of action,but that may be an indication of his character rather than an indication of his feelings for her.

Be careful and dont be afraid to be guarded and demand honest answer.

[Lobe]

 

 

T/J: Lobe, you totally made that up!

 

If you didn't, your friend is a goddess.

 

I don't understand why women always do men's laundry anyway. I'm from a different culture, supposedly a more patriarchal one, but not one person I know from my culture would dream of doing laundry for the husband. Why can't he do his own ****ing laundry? [/T/]

 

She's a goddess. To this day I have fond memories of seeing him bend over and having swirly brown ginders. Best ever.

 

Laundry at our place is every man for himself unless you don't have a full load in which case you top it up with towels lol

[Lobe]

Plus I never said I want him to leave his wife, he mentioned it first.

 

A child to grow up without both parents?? Are they going to die??

No matter what, parents will always be there, I believe.

 

Would I be able to look at myself in the mirror? Yes, I would. And you know why? I don't see it as a tragedy. My mum got divorced with her first husband because he has cheated on her. They have a daughter (my half sister). After divorce my mum met my dad (29 years ago) and what do I see? A happy couple. Can you imagine us all sitting by one table? Well, we've spent Christmas together. My parents, my sister and her dad with his OW, plus their grandchildren as well. Was it bad? No, we had fun, we laughed, we enjoyed our company, no hate, just love and I believe everything is possible if we really want it.

 

I don't want to feel guilty for falling for someone that let me to fall for him.

 

You don't "want" to feel guilty for falling for a married man, so you choose not to. I imagine that's because it's "normalized" in your circle so you will choose to ignore the obvious. Here is a term for you to familiarize yourself with:

 

cog·ni·tive dis·so·nance noun PSYCHOLOGY

the state of having inconsistent thoughts, beliefs, or attitudes, especially as relating to behavioral decisions and attitude change.

 

It used to be "normal" to make people of colour use separate toilets and not allow women to vote and in some places it's still "normal" to marry 12 year old girls to 40 year old men. Does that make it OK?

 

You're deluded. You want to know if it's real love? Read what the OW who ended up with their APs have said - they left the affair, went NC, and let the marriage take its natural course. If you are more than just a crutch for or distraction from his marriage, he will happily leave his pregnant wife and file for divorce. If you are really nothing more than a convenient opportunity to play fake future with, then you will start to hear the classic excuses - I can't leave her, I can't leave my child, I will leave when the kids are older, I will leave when we have our finances sorted out, my wife is too needy, blah blah blah. So, test it out. Tell him you won't have any relationship with him until he leaves his wife for you. Then you'll have your answer.

 

One last point.

 

This?

 

You know what, if my husband left me for someone else I'd wonder why I actually married him in the first place... Because if he was looking on the side, it means he never truly loved me and I was blind not to see it.

 

I'm going to rephrase it for you:

 

You know what? If my boyfriend was married and wouldn't leave his wife for me, I'd wonder why I was actually in a relationships with him in the first place. Because if he doesn't love me enough to leave her in the first place, it means he doesn't truly love me and I am blind not to see it.

[lemondrop21]

I think that the way that you go about the affair affects your future chances. Imsosad walked away and dealt with ending her marriage. Her partner did the same. I think a lot of affairs continue because one or both partners think, "Well, I don't know if this is love or long-term material or whatnot, so we'd better keep having an affair to find out." But sadly that rarely leads to clarity or conviction and usually just more heartache. The more you invest in something, the harder it is to extricate yourself. You get into "sunk cost fallacy" territory.

 

This is very smart. I think my xMM might have done this "test driving" thing (but God I so want to be done with caring about what he did or didn't do). Anyway, I think he liked to tell himself he might leave his marriage if I proved worthy enough. Then when the stress and general sh*ttiness of the A made me kind of "a handful" as he has said, this proved to him that I was not long term material and should stay in the marriage. Which he would have stayed in even if I had the heart of Mother Theresa and the looks of Angelina Jolie (circa 2003). But anyway.

[DKT3]

This is very smart. I think my xMM might have done this "test driving" thing (but God I so want to be done with caring about what he did or didn't do). Anyway, I think he liked to tell himself he might leave his marriage if I proved worthy enough. Then when the stress and general sh*ttiness of the A made me kind of "a handful" as he has said, this proved to him that I was not long term material and should stay in the marriage. Which he would have stayed in even if I had the heart of Mother Theresa and the looks of Angelina Jolie (circa 2003). But anyway.

 

Not Jolie, yuk....

[goodyblue]

This is very smart. I think my xMM might have done this "test driving" thing (but God I so want to be done with caring about what he did or didn't do). Anyway, I think he liked to tell himself he might leave his marriage if I proved worthy enough. Then when the stress and general sh*ttiness of the A made me kind of "a handful" as he has said, this proved to him that I was not long term material and should stay in the marriage. Which he would have stayed in even if I had the heart of Mother Theresa and the looks of Angelina Jolie (circa 2003). But anyway.

 

I found this so interesting. I know for a fact I am a hand full and really, my h's life would have been easier if he had just stayed married. Even though we are really happy and have a good life he has taken on a lot, and so have I, to be together. I can see why men stay. It was a rough divorce and I can see someone looking at it and backing away.