Just Visiting Posted July 4, 2005 Posted July 4, 2005 Hi everyone, this is a partial vent and partial seeking advice on how to deal with my current situation. I have been living with my bf for about seven months now. When we started dating, he was smoking at the time. I have been a non-smoker all my life. I always found the habit smelly and messy. Knowing that I don't care much for the habit, he said that he has quit before and can easily quit again. As part of a New Year's Resolution, he went on the patch. Last weekend, I went away to visit my parents. When I returned, my bf confessed that he started smoking again and was doing for stress relief (ie. finances, work, etc). When he first told me, I was upset. I felt that he broke a promise. But when I tried to say something, he became defensive and said that he doesn't want to be controlled, and that he is not perfect. He also said that it is something I will just have to accept. It felt like a slap in the face. I am not one for arguments or confrontations, so I didn't say anything else. Last night, we were watching a movie. He got up, opened the living room window, and proceeded to have a cigarette. Since he first told me he was smoking again, I haven't said another word about it. I thought that I would be beating a deadhorse. I heard that nagging a person is not going to help the person to quit. While having his cigarette, he said that he knows how important it is to me that he doesn't smoke, so he is going to quit again. Again, I decided not to say anything. I remained quiet. What has been bothering me the most lately is him smoking in the apartment. We burn incense and tobacco in the apartment for spiritual purposes. It is part of praying and giving thanks. I prefer that he doesn't smoke in the apartment. But again, we burn tobacco in the apartment as well. So do I have an argument here? I am not sure how to approach this situation. I have even wondered if I should start looking for my place. Or should I remain patient and see if he is serious about quitting? Any thoughts, suggestions, advice will be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
Zaira Posted July 4, 2005 Posted July 4, 2005 Ask him to smoke outside. If he won't budge, is it something you may break up with him over? Not considering your feelings/health is a bit rude. If not, then I guess it's something you'll just have to put up with.
norcaldivr Posted July 4, 2005 Posted July 4, 2005 As an ex smoker who has fallen off the wagon several times I can offer you these pearls of wisdom. If he is going to quit he needs to do it for him. If he is doing it for you it won't work. If you really care about him and the smoking isn't a deal breaker the best thing you can do is offer support. Nicotine addiction is VERY hard to overcome. Having a supportive partner can really be a huge help but he has to WANT to quit for him. I know this from firsthand experience.
Kat Posted July 4, 2005 Posted July 4, 2005 Having their partner pregnant doesn't stop some men quitting so I think you are fighting a losing battle. It helps when both smoke and they quit together, so they have the support there. But quiting for himself is very true. He needs to want to do it and be committed to it. He is committed to you, but maybe not to letting go of this habit
laRubiaBonita Posted July 4, 2005 Posted July 4, 2005 cigarettes smells way different (worse) than anything!!! i smoke, but i will never smoke indoors, for one it just feels weird, but mainly it STINKS!!! everything smells of it cigarettes, your clothes, furniture, walls, even your hair when you leave! what does your lease specify about smoking? anything? cause i know some apartments will charge extra for units with smokers..... even if it is out the windows. and i am speaking of cigarette smoke, not incense or other tobacco. But, being a smoker, i know that if i get ragged on about it, the MORE apt i am to continue smoking, just outta spite. If i were you, i would tell him if he is to smoke, that 1. you do not condone it. 2. you would like rather him do it outta of your sight AND outside, even in the bitter cold and in the rain. 3. that you care immensely about his health. AND 4. that you are not trying to control him, but you do not like the way his mouth tastes, and the way he smells after he smokes. Basically tell him your feelings, not placing blame, not making (or hearing) excuses...but just repeat how you feel on smoking, and if you want to give him a little leighway then state what your "rules" are
Author Just Visiting Posted July 4, 2005 Author Posted July 4, 2005 Hi everyone; My bf was out when I was going to talk to him. So I sent this email. Let me know what u think. I am going to bed now. "Hi babe, we are both pretty stressed out with bills and other stuff. I wasn't sure when to bring the subject up but this is something I wanted to say. I thank you for wanting to quit smoking because of how important it would be for me. Today, I thought ALOT about it. I don't want you to quit for ME, I want you to quit for YOU. If it is done for others aside from yourself, it won't work. I don't know what it is like to be a smoker, but I have heard and read that it is a very hard habit to completely break. Some have even compared it to hard drugs. I don't want to be resented for making you quit. Like you said, you don't want to be controlled and I don't want to control you. Quit when you are ready to. When you are ready to quit, I will be there to support you. In the meantime, all I ask is when you need to have a cigarette, that it be smoked outside the apartment. Regardless of time or weather, or if I am around or not. We smudge and smoke the pipe in the apartment for traditional purposes. And I prefer that any personal smoking be done outside. I am respecting your wanting to smoke, I would like my request to be respected. I was going to wait up to talk to you, but I have to get up early for work. I love you."
shygurl Posted July 4, 2005 Posted July 4, 2005 Just curious - If you've always been a non-smoker and you find smoking smelly and messy, why did you get involved with someone who smokes? And more importantly, why did you agree to live with someone who smokes? Obviously because you burn tobacco for your religious/spiritual purposes, you knew what it smelled like - so why didn't you discuss this issue prior to moving in together? I hope for both of your sakes that he's able to quit - mostly for his, for his health - but I guess I don't understand being with someone who has a habit you dislike and moving in with them, knowing full well that they're going to want to smoke in their own home. Seems like something you 2 should have discussed PRIOR to moving in together?
Author Just Visiting Posted July 4, 2005 Author Posted July 4, 2005 Hi shygurl; I understand your question as it is something that I have thought of as well. I don't believe that I am making an impossible request in regards to smoking outside. If he wants to continue to smoke, all I ask is that he does it in another area. Whether or not it is a deal-breaker for me remains to be seen. I realize that there is a possibility that he may never want to quit, and that is something I need to consider. Is it terrible enough for me to leave the situation? Or do I accept his habit and continue the relationship? These thoughts have crossed my mind. I don't care for the smell of burning tobacco, but when it is for spiritual/religious purposes, then I am more tolerant as there is a reason behind it. So in the meantime, rather than force the issue, I am looking to compromise. Hence, the request of smoking outdoors. Even some smokers don't enjoy the smell of cigarettes and ashtrays.
Rosalind Posted July 4, 2005 Posted July 4, 2005 Hello!...a smoker chimes in Okay, so you actually SENT that email? ..you just won't let up - you keep pressuring him. You're not entitled to make that demand on him...and the reason is because of this : Originally posted by Just Visiting When we started dating, he was smoking at the time. He's already under alot of stress - and you keep adding more. Please take no offense - just giving you a smoker's perspective
d'Arthez Posted July 4, 2005 Posted July 4, 2005 But as smoking is having possible adverse on her, she is entitled to consider the consequences to her health, don't you think? Is it not a form of neglect if you let a person engage in behavior that will result in decreased quality of life?
d'Arthez Posted July 4, 2005 Posted July 4, 2005 And? I was okay with my parents smoking when I was 6. Does not mean that I am necessarily okay with it now. People change - and now that they are living together she will be breathing in a lot of smoke - something that may easily have slipped her mind when she started to date the guy. Are people not allowed to change their opinions on any matter then? If you ever have stated a preference for 3 kids to a guy, should you always commit to that? Of course not. And considering that his actions put her health at risk, asking him to consider her thoughts on this matter, is not outrageous.
Author Just Visiting Posted July 4, 2005 Author Posted July 4, 2005 Aside from posting my question in this forum, I have also sought the advice of others who are in a similar situation. They have told me that the smokers do not smoke in the home and around their children. They felt that my request was fair in that my bf smokes outside. Even though the non-smoker in the relationship does not like the habit, they do not force the issue. As long as they are being respected in that it not be done in the house, etc. I guess another way to look at it is, my bf knew that I am a non-smoker and did not care much for the habit when we started dating. Why would he then ask me to move in with him knowing this? At the time, he thought he would be able to conquer the habit, but it is evident that he is unable to now. Like the other poster wrote, opinions change. So rather throw the baby out with the bathwater, I am trying to find some common ground on how to handle this issue. And see how things go from there.
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