laguna404 Posted August 21, 2016 Posted August 21, 2016 Hello, I met this guy on tinder was looking for relationship not hook up. He was very respectful, first date was walk in central park and then dinner. We had texted couple of weeks before meeting, he really liked me a lot really quickly, and would tell me would miss me and cared a lot about me. He also told me that by text that he was bisexual and never told anyone before and had never acted on it, which at first threw me for a loop, but I decided it wasn't a reason to end. Told him to slow it down in his feelings for me, second date we went to dinner and a movie. I liked him but wasn't feeling as strong as his feelings. Second date we did come back to my place, but we did not have sex. He stayed over and slept on my couch, cause my bed is only a twin. The next day in afternoon he texted me saying he missed me, and i was thinking how does he miss me he just spent the night with me. So it was off putting, later that night I sent him a text ending things, felt terrible. But it was just too much too quickly. I didn't talk to him for a week but missed him, texted him asking if we could talk on phone which we agreed to. So I explained to him that I liked him but it was just too much too quickly for me, and he agreed to tone down the I miss you's etc. So we were talking more on the phone, and some things he said were strange and off-putting. Then one day at work he sent me the message of I really care about you and I had a strong gut reaction of feeling uncomfortable. So I ended it again with him by text. I was also at the time, very busy and stressed at work, went to see a friend in South Carolina and was depressed, I have a history of it, and my friend noticed it in me. So couple of weeks went by and I missed him still. He was a nice guy, cute, smart, very easy going, almost like the girl version of myself, I am very sweet and too nice of a person. I reached out to him and explained what I was going through and we started talking again but this time we was different in a good way, he was normal, still expressed how he liked me but it was not in a weird off putting way. We met up again, and we had a great time, I did give him a card saying thank you to him for being supportive to me. That night we did have sex, and did feel connected and my feelings were catching up to his. The next two days, we continued to talk and he asked to get together again the following week and I said yes, he was still complimenting me. Then he disappeared, he deleted his social media accounts too. Does this sound like he was never interested in me for a relationship just wanted sex, or he was and was soo angry with me he revenge f#@$ ed me….
leogirl876 Posted August 21, 2016 Posted August 21, 2016 Well this doesn't sound like it was ever healthy. Him moving too fast, you ending it and then getting back together on more than one occasion. If you're having this many problems from the beginning, it'll only keep getting worse. I'm sure he was into you, but what do you expect when someone breaks up with you and then wants you back then breaks up again? I think both of you should move on! 4
smudge21 Posted August 21, 2016 Posted August 21, 2016 Only he knows the answer to that one. Yeah, he came on strong and you did push away. That's relationships, when two strangers meet up and have to suss each other out, find out if they're right for each other. Maybe you pushed away too soon rather than talking about it, or maybe he is just very insecure and came on far too strong for anyone. Maybe he did only want sex and is just a player. Maybe he won the lottery or his wife found out. The fact remains, you can spend your days trying to understand his motives, or you can think screw that, my time is precious and I'm worth more than this. That's the problem with dating, you never truly know the person until you know them, and you have to kiss many a frog until you find your prince or princess. I would however say that considering your own personal doubts so early on, that this wouldn't have worked out too well for either of you. The initial honeymoon stages should be fun and happy, if they're not, then it doesn't bode well for the future. 1
BaileyB Posted August 21, 2016 Posted August 21, 2016 Well this doesn't sound like it was ever healthy. Him moving too fast, you ending it and then getting back together on more than one occasion. If you're having this many problems from the beginning, it'll only keep getting worse. I'm sure he was into you, but what do you expect when someone breaks up with you and then wants you back then breaks up again? I think both of you should move on! Agreed. You need to move on and look at yourself - what you need to do to feel better about yourself and how to have a healthy relationship. Good luck to you. 2
Vintage79 Posted August 21, 2016 Posted August 21, 2016 Umm - he was meeting people online - just like anyone else, probably several people - you were one person, you said you didn't want to see him again - why should he stick around - at that point if I were him; if you want to give m the goods, fine, but anything serious would have been off the table - he did the right thing and didn't lead you on too long before disappearing. Believe it or not - telling someone you want to stop seeing usually makes them like you/want you substantially less...
smackie9 Posted August 21, 2016 Posted August 21, 2016 TBH you shouldn't take it personally. Who knows maybe he will pop up again. 1
preraph Posted August 21, 2016 Posted August 21, 2016 Could be a number of things. First of all, he says he's bisexual but never acted on it before, so he's not EVEN comfortable with his sexuality at all yet and is probably scared of it, for starters. Other possibilities is I always think if someone starts trying to go deep too soon that they haven't had time to know the person so they're just assuming that person matches the "ideal person" in their head and they like they way they look and act, so they go ahead and project this ideal person onto them and that's someone they've always loved, so they are ready to commit and go deep. But the longer they spend around the person, they see it's not the ideal person in their head and start backing off, disillusioned and may not understand at all why and go around saying "He was perfect at first, but he changed." The other thing is he, yes, may have said anything to get laid, but I tend to believe that because of his shaky sexual foundation it runs deeper than that and whatever he did is grounded in fear. He may just not be ready upstairs to deal with downstairs. I dated a gay guy once, which quickly converted to friendship since he wouldn't have sex or even kiss, but the whole time he acted like I was his girlfriend and got jealous when I let him know I would see other men since ours was a sexless relationship and he was gay (which he wasn't comfortable admitting or dealing with). His problem wasn't even so much about coming out as it was just straight-up fear of sex and sin. He used to have dreams of me where I was in it and then he went to hell and the fires of hell were consuming him. NICE! He was no better when I broke it off than when I met him. He used me for companionship and a beard even though I was a lot older than him. You just never know what kind of hangups people have. I thought for sure his parents had to have instilled some religious fervor in him and I am sure it had to do with religion and sin, and when I met them I expected them to be nutballs, but at least his mother seemed okay. But his brother was similarly a tortured soul and painted disturbing depressive images. Never met the dad. Bet he's the key....or some weird uncle. Someone did something to those two. 1
Author laguna404 Posted August 21, 2016 Author Posted August 21, 2016 Yeah thank you. It's too bad that he was too much too soon and it really turned me off, and it took me awhile to catch my feelings up to his, on the third try is when I started to liken im. The strange part is that the last day I talked to him, he asked me to go out again and I said yes. The other mistake I made is that at the time I listened to my friends opinions that it was just sooo much sooo soon, and cut him off too quickly. But then again maybe they were right. Cause coming on too strong too quickly is usually a red flag. I got the feelings at times that he was selfish but also he gave the impression of being soo laid back and nice. Also should probably have added, and this might help you guys. The first date, he did mention going back to his place and I said no, cause I thought all that is going to happen is hooking up which I didn't want. The second date, we did not have sex like I said but I will admit I was the one who kind of took initiative in hooking up, partly cause I thought he wanted it, and I wasn't completely attracted to him. We did try to have sex though and it didn't work because he lost his erection shortly after putting condom on. Also at that point I was wondering did that happen cause of anxiety because he really liked me or is really just more attracted to guys. I've been trying to find other guys since this guy, went on a date this week with a guy that wasn't interested. I've gone out with 17 guys in last 10 months, so getting kind of disappointed.
ExpatInItaly Posted August 21, 2016 Posted August 21, 2016 Yeah thank you. It's too bad that he was too much too soon and it really turned me off, and it took me awhile to catch my feelings up to his, on the third try is when I started to liken im. The strange part is that the last day I talked to him, he asked me to go out again and I said yes. The other mistake I made is that at the time I listened to my friends opinions that it was just sooo much sooo soon, and cut him off too quickly. But then again maybe they were right. Cause coming on too strong too quickly is usually a red flag. I got the feelings at times that he was selfish but also he gave the impression of being soo laid back and nice. Also should probably have added, and this might help you guys. The first date, he did mention going back to his place and I said no, cause I thought all that is going to happen is hooking up which I didn't want. The second date, we did not have sex like I said but I will admit I was the one who kind of took initiative in hooking up, partly cause I thought he wanted it, and I wasn't completely attracted to him. We did try to have sex though and it didn't work because he lost his erection shortly after putting condom on. Also at that point I was wondering did that happen cause of anxiety because he really liked me or is really just more attracted to guys. I've been trying to find other guys since this guy, went on a date this week with a guy that wasn't interested. I've gone out with 17 guys in last 10 months, so getting kind of disappointed. Are you meeting them all on Tinder? If so, you're barking up the wrong tree. I realize that some people do meet their significant others on the app, but it's primary usage is for hooking up and casual fun. You're not likely to find a lot of serious prospects there.
Author laguna404 Posted August 21, 2016 Author Posted August 21, 2016 Also his father had issues, with having multiple affairs with the nurses he worked with. He said he thought his father was a sex addict. His family is all separated, his siblings could never forgive his dad, and they are estranged. So it is a really sad dysfunctional family situation he comes from. So I can see him having commitment issues.
oasis Posted August 21, 2016 Posted August 21, 2016 I would have bolted from the get go when he revealed early on that he was bi-sexual. It is hard to compete with that.
Author laguna404 Posted August 21, 2016 Author Posted August 21, 2016 Not just tinder, I've been looking on Eharmony--which was the last date, match.com, bumble, and ok cupid. I've been lately trying to focus more on match and eharmony for the exact reason you mentioned.
preraph Posted August 21, 2016 Posted August 21, 2016 Yeah thank you. It's too bad that he was too much too soon and it really turned me off, and it took me awhile to catch my feelings up to his, on the third try is when I started to liken im. The strange part is that the last day I talked to him, he asked me to go out again and I said yes. The other mistake I made is that at the time I listened to my friends opinions that it was just sooo much sooo soon, and cut him off too quickly. But then again maybe they were right. Cause coming on too strong too quickly is usually a red flag. I got the feelings at times that he was selfish but also he gave the impression of being soo laid back and nice. Also should probably have added, and this might help you guys. The first date, he did mention going back to his place and I said no, cause I thought all that is going to happen is hooking up which I didn't want. The second date, we did not have sex like I said but I will admit I was the one who kind of took initiative in hooking up, partly cause I thought he wanted it, and I wasn't completely attracted to him. We did try to have sex though and it didn't work because he lost his erection shortly after putting condom on. Also at that point I was wondering did that happen cause of anxiety because he really liked me or is really just more attracted to guys. I've been trying to find other guys since this guy, went on a date this week with a guy that wasn't interested. I've gone out with 17 guys in last 10 months, so getting kind of disappointed. Well, yes, him having an erectile fail does clarify things. He may be trying to be straight because he can't deal with being gay, but he can't because he's not really attracted. Or he may just be someone with total erectile dysfunction because of fear of sex or intimacy or something physiological. Or he may be able to get it up but once he had a fail, too embarrassed to keep trying. Anyway, he needs to do some work on himself. He's not ready. Sorry. Don't be discouraged about dating. Everyone has a lot of fails before finding one they can at least mark down in the history books as "worth the effort." Relax, be yourself, and be reflective and look back and be sure you're not making the same picking decision over and over that's causing you problems. Good luck. 1
Gr8fuln2020 Posted August 21, 2016 Posted August 21, 2016 Umm - he was meeting people online - just like anyone else, probably several people - you were one person, you said you didn't want to see him again - why should he stick around - at that point if I were him; if you want to give m the goods, fine, but anything serious would have been off the table - he did the right thing and didn't lead you on too long before disappearing. Believe it or not - telling someone you want to stop seeing usually makes them like you/want you substantially less... I absolutely agree with this. You ended it with him on multiple occasions. If there was any serious intent on his part, it dramatically decreased or disappeared. Now, as YOU continued to go back to him, now it was about getting you in bed and then making a smart exit. No way would a smart person want a serious relationship with someone who ended it on multiple occasions as you did. Also, I find it a little strange that a "serious" guy would mention being bisexual. How off putting that would be. A part of me suspects that he threw that in to give himself an out if things became too serious. An excuse to end it....not sure. 1
Author laguna404 Posted August 21, 2016 Author Posted August 21, 2016 The erectile fail was the first time we tried hooking up, before I ended things first time. The last time he had no problems performing but that was after I had ended it twice. He might have tried to get me into bed on the first date. Him telling me he was bisexual was very early on, after our first date but before the second date. Hope that helps.
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