Borderline relationships

[deep_night]

During my early 20s my relationships were easier and I didn't have these intense mood swings and didn't love and hate the same person at the same time.

 

During my late 20s though, something started to change... All my relationships have been unstable. I've lost most of my friends because I shut them out, I have brought a lot of pain to my mother, I ran away from each and every romantic relationship. I didn't mean to, it was because I was really hurting inside and felt so deeply unloved, even when it wasn't the case. I've had problems with work also, I've been unemployed for years, even though Im now back to searching.

 

I have this boyfriend who has been really patient to me. Im starting to fall for him. The previous week I was really mad about something and cut him off. At least I managed to do so without saying mean things to him and without yelling. I know I still hurt him though, because for the last 9 months we've known each other (as friends and a couple) there wasn't a single day when we didn't interact. But Im waiting to be calmer in order to be able to talk to him. He doesn't know I have this problem. I'm ready in case he won't be able to handle it. I want to be respectful to him no matter what happens. He's also a fragile person, but still tries to be strong and patient for my sake.

 

Knowing my triggers helps a lot. And talking about them. Trying not to blame, just talk. There'll be people who are going to listen and try to help. And I'm doing the most effort not to lash out when I feel that I'll turn into a monster. Im distancing myself often, and that's the only way to cope. I haven't hurt loved ones for a year now. Distance helps me sort things out. It feels really lonely but it's the only decent way. It's hard to accept that I have a lot of pain and fear and poison inside me. It's shameful to feel that Im filled with so much bitterness. I feel so often like a lost cause. It's been really really lonely. It's hard not to be scared. Im not healthy yet and I don't think Ill ever be, but at least it feels good to not hurt people. Im scared that I may get worse though. Im always thinking, ''what if I cant control myself next time? ''

[preraph]

I wasn't sure if you meant you have borderline personality? Anyway, if that was the case, having your bf come with you to a session or two with the therapist might give him some understanding or tools to help him be patient with you.

 

Otherwise, just keep communicating with him and telling him when you're sorry and always letting him know directly when you need something from him like a hug or him to take care of something for you about the house or whatever. Good luck.

[deep_night]

hey preraph, thank u for always replying to my threads

yes, im a BPD, unfortunately. i dont want to hurt him for sure. ive told him that im freaking out sometimes, and its usually nothing he does. but this time it was a bit worse as its the first time i needed time away from him.

 

you mean it would be a good idea that he comes along and listens to the session? or he may participate like in couples counselling? shall i go with him to his therapist also? (he fights depression) :/

[preraph]

hey preraph, thank u for always replying to my threads

yes, im a BPD, unfortunately. i dont want to hurt him for sure. ive told him that im freaking out sometimes, and its usually nothing he does. but this time it was a bit worse as its the first time i needed time away from him.

 

you mean it would be a good idea that he comes along and listens to the session? or he may participate like in couples counselling? shall i go with him to his therapist also? (he fights depression) :/

 

Well, most people have no realistic idea of what different disorders really are, so it helps to just have your therapist talk to him and explain it rather than just coming from you (which he might think is an excuse in his darker moments). Now, it doesn't guarantee that he will want to stay for the long haul, of course. Not everyone can take that on. But it at least gives him the info to understand it and maybe some tips on how to handle it.

 

And yes, if he will let you talk to his therapist as well, just to be sure you understand his depression, that would be great. Depression can make a person just not want anyone around or want to do anything. i know because I've been there.

 

Anyway, let your bf ask your therapist some questions even in private if you want to in case he wants to say "When she does this, should I be mad" or whatever. Just something to try. Can't hurt anything. Good luck. And always remember to exercise any amount of control you can to keep from doing something you know isn't fair or right.

[Otter2569]

I like the idea of being open and sharing some therapist time with your BF.

 

The love of my life had BPD...we are no longer together. When she started to go into her moods it about ruined everything. She never recognized her role in it, she never apologized and the emotional roller coaster combined with her deteriorating mental well being was too much for me. We tried going together to a couples therapist but it actually made things worse between us. My GF became so petty and jealous of the 1 to 1 time I had with the counselor she actually called and yelled at her. It was a completely horrible experience.

 

Recognizing your situation and taking steps towards well being is the way to go. I wish you all the best!

[deep_night]

I like the idea of being open and sharing some therapist time with your BF.

 

The love of my life had BPD...we are no longer together. When she started to go into her moods it about ruined everything. She never recognized her role in it, she never apologized and the emotional roller coaster combined with her deteriorating mental well being was too much for me. We tried going together to a couples therapist but it actually made things worse between us. My GF became so petty and jealous of the 1 to 1 time I had with the counselor she actually called and yelled at her. It was a completely horrible experience.

 

Recognizing your situation and taking steps towards well being is the way to go. I wish you all the best!

 

thank you :3

 

im sorry your relationship didnt work out :/ it can be hard to live with someone who is BPD because we're just made out of complains and pain, feeling unloved and alone all the time : ( its hard to be like this for our loved ones, as they can never win. i know that i can be very paranoid and have a hard time believing that someone loves me. even if they go the extra mile ill find a reason as to why they're "faking". its so poisonous, and it helps me read these things i write and keep them in my memory.

 

(HEY, I HAD A BF WITH BPD THAT WAS REALLY BAD... its heartbreaking to thinf of someone being in so much pain... it manifests physically to all the BPD people ive known... and the amount of pain this condition brings to loved ones is also terrifying. us BPD can easily destroy the lives of the people who love us. im aware of that and this is why im trying my best not to do/be the same :/ i think im at least lucky to be quite introverted, so that somehow holds me back).

[SmartDude]

I think the real question here is when is he going to find out about your condition. He may find out by you telling him in a controlled situation. Or you could just wait till you have a meltdown and he will find out that way. I am not trying to be harsh, but I want you to understand so that you can make the best decision for yourself.

 

 

Sometimes you may feel worthless or like you don't even exist. You have to remember that other people just don't see you that way no matter how you feel inside! Its really important to at least try to be kind to people who are trying to help or empathize with your condition. People are not always perfect at being supportive. That’s ok because as a BPD sufferer you need practice with accepting the imperfections in other people.

 

I think if I could have had a choice with my ex, I would have wanted her to tell me in the beginning of our relationship. I probably would have loved her more when I understood her and why she did the things she did.

[deep_night]

I think the real question here is when is he going to find out about your condition. He may find out by you telling him in a controlled situation. Or you could just wait till you have a meltdown and he will find out that way. I am not trying to be harsh, but I want you to understand so that you can make the best decision for yourself.

 

 

Sometimes you may feel worthless or like you don't even exist. You have to remember that other people just don't see you that way no matter how you feel inside! Its really important to at least try to be kind to people who are trying to help or empathize with your condition. People are not always perfect at being supportive. That’s ok because as a BPD sufferer you need practice with accepting the imperfections in other people.

 

I think if I could have had a choice with my ex, I would have wanted her to tell me in the beginning of our relationship. I probably would have loved her more when I understood her and why she did the things she did.

 

i told him about it. not in detail because it was over the phone (we dont live very close and dont meet many times a week). he tried to be understanding, i suppose because he also has to deal with mental illness. i had also told him in the past that its hard for me when i start getting close to someone, and we found out we have this in common. we'll see how it goes. i've also been understanding about some stuff concerning him, even though being patient about them wasnt even a problem for me.

 

i think i always was hypersensitive to rejection. once i started to understand where these feelings come from its been better. but its always hard to shake out the first unfiltered feelings of worthlessness and suspicion of deception that choke me. i dont want to bring my boyfriend pain, he's been incredibly decent and has had a hard time in his life. i dont even want to imagine having a meltdown in front of him. i hope ill always be able to say ''give me some hours and ill be back, im about to flip out''. a bit of space is a lot better than lashing out and saying all the terrible things im thinking at the moment.

[Otter2569]

thank you :3

 

im sorry your relationship didnt work out :/ it can be hard to live with someone who is BPD because we're just made out of complains and pain, feeling unloved and alone all the time : ( its hard to be like this for our loved ones, as they can never win. i know that i can be very paranoid and have a hard time believing that someone loves me. even if they go the extra mile ill find a reason as to why they're "faking". its so poisonous, and it helps me read these things i write and keep them in my memory.

 

(HEY, I HAD A BF WITH BPD THAT WAS REALLY BAD... its heartbreaking to thinf of someone being in so much pain... it manifests physically to all the BPD people ive known... and the amount of pain this condition brings to loved ones is also terrifying. us BPD can easily destroy the lives of the people who love us. im aware of that and this is why im trying my best not to do/be the same :/ i think im at least lucky to be quite introverted, so that somehow holds me back).

 

You summed it up very well. It was so hard to watch the person you love self destruct and everything you tried to do to reassure them b a complete waste of effort. Further being put in no win situations was mentally and physically draining. Thank goodness you at least see the issues you are faced with and although its not easy you can work to be better. You are worth it and you are loved...by many I am sure

[deep_night]

You summed it up very well. It was so hard to watch the person you love self destruct and everything you tried to do to reassure them b a complete waste of effort. Further being put in no win situations was mentally and physically draining. Thank goodness you at least see the issues you are faced with and although its not easy you can work to be better. You are worth it and you are loved...by many I am sure

 

thanks, thats really sweet x

[Otter2569]

After reading this thread a new thought hit me last night. Its been 8 months since we broke up. I thought how differently we must look at the situation:

 

I think of her every day, many times. I remember how loving and beautiful and fun she was. I think about her family and how I hope she is doing well.

 

She, with BPD, probably looks at it very different. Ill bet she thinks I never loved her, that I abandoned her and that I was insensitive to her feelings.

 

Nothing could be further from the truth.... Oh well

[deep_night]

After reading this thread a new thought hit me last night. Its been 8 months since we broke up. I thought how differently we must look at the situation:

 

I think of her every day, many times. I remember how loving and beautiful and fun she was. I think about her family and how I hope she is doing well.

 

She, with BPD, probably looks at it very different. Ill bet she thinks I never loved her, that I abandoned her and that I was insensitive to her feelings.

 

Nothing could be further from the truth.... Oh well

 

aw, she may have her moments of clarity, where she remembers past events that showed that you did love her... but then grab another memory or two that triggered her, and rationalise that it wasnt unconditional love and that it was a lie... and that no one ever really loved her :/ it's a constant hot and cold feeling, years and years after. thats what i find myself doing all the time. the thing i do tend to forget is someone putting up with my crap IS unconditional love :| and then i think its because of some flaw they have and not because its love. after all these years im still ambivalent and cant tell who really loved me and who didnt, even though there are some people whose dignity i hurt a lot : (

 

i wish it was thursday already. so i could go and squeeze the hell out of my boyfriend and make it up to him : (

[Otter2569]

I ran across a meme somewhere that said "You cant treat people like **** and expect them to love you". That always stuck with me. I refuse to let people treat me poorly. Even though I gave her about 8 second chances before I realized that I was a ****ing idiot for tolerating her abuse.

 

She was like a drug...started out as fun then turned into a bad trip.

[Romantic Gentleman]

The longer you hold stuff in day by day, it's only going to tear you up more, and more. You may not be hurting anybody, but it's hurting you deep down. Find someone you trust whether it be family, friends, or even see a therapist, and open up about the problems you face daily.

[Otter2569]

Sometimes you may feel worthless or like you don't even exist. You have to remember that other people just don't see you that way no matter how you feel inside! Its really important to at least try to be kind to people who are trying to help or empathize with your condition. People are not always perfect at being supportive. That’s ok because as a BPD sufferer you need practice with accepting the imperfections in other people.

 

I think if I could have had a choice with my ex, I would have wanted her to tell me in the beginning of our relationship. I probably would have loved her more when I understood her and why she did the things she did.

 

My ExGF was open and honest about her struggles (told me she had boughts with depression NOT BPD) that she sees a therapist every few weeks and does all kinds of self care (yoga, womans groups) and like you say, I respected her so much for this and supported all of her efforts.

 

It was a different story when it became destructive. It took me a while to find out what BPD was and even then I was totally unprepared for what I experienced.

[deep_night]

My ExGF was open and honest about her struggles (told me she had boughts with depression NOT BPD) that she sees a therapist every few weeks and does all kinds of self care (yoga, womans groups) and like you say, I respected her so much for this and supported all of her efforts.

 

It was a different story when it became destructive. It took me a while to find out what BPD was and even then I was totally unprepared for what I experienced.

 

yeah, at some point i fear of having to accept that its better for everybody if im just left alone. but its hard to be a human and having to be loveless for life, what kind of life is that?

 

i hope that being with a person who also has mental health issues is going to work out somehow. im not sure though.

 

and ill probably never be able to be a mum cos id be **** at it : ( but yeah. cant have everything in life

[Chica80]

yeah, at some point i fear of having to accept that its better for everybody if im just left alone. but its hard to be a human and having to be loveless for life, what kind of life is that?

 

i hope that being with a person who also has mental health issues is going to work out somehow. im not sure though.

 

and ill probably never be able to be a mum cos id be **** at it : ( but yeah. cant have everything in life

 

 

I've been reading about BPD lately because I feel I definitely am on the spectrum...not full blown but traits.

 

Mental illness is a block, a hurdle it is not the end all be all. The fact that you have some awareness of the things you do. Is a good thing. It's a starting point a building block of how to get better. What to work on.

 

Sorry not sure if you have these things or not but.....get a good therapist. Read books and educate yourself. Eat well, exercise and get good sleep. I have found these helpful for me.

 

You cannot control your emotions. Emotions are not good or bad they just are. What YOU can control is the reactions the actions after the emotion. For example anger...You may suddenly get very Angry, ok you cant control the shift...You can control what you do because of it how you react to it to your partner, friend etc.

 

There is a good book I have been reading: Mindfullness for Borderline personality disorder.- Aguirre

[deep_night]

I've been reading about BPD lately because I feel I definitely am on the spectrum...not full blown but traits.

 

Mental illness is a block, a hurdle it is not the end all be all. The fact that you have some awareness of the things you do. Is a good thing. It's a starting point a building block of how to get better. What to work on.

 

Sorry not sure if you have these things or not but.....get a good therapist. Read books and educate yourself. Eat well, exercise and get good sleep. I have found these helpful for me.

 

You cannot control your emotions. Emotions are not good or bad they just are. What YOU can control is the reactions the actions after the emotion. For example anger...You may suddenly get very Angry, ok you cant control the shift...You can control what you do because of it how you react to it to your partner, friend etc.

 

There is a good book I have been reading: Mindfullness for Borderline personality disorder.- Aguirre

 

oh, that's great, thanks! i never heard of that book, ill definitely try to get it!

 

well, i agree with all the things that you say. cant help the emotions, but knowing they ll go away, kind of helps. but still, at the moment i just need to isolate. and this can still be hurtful to loved ones because they dont know if ill come back : ( i just dont know what else i can do to prevent an explosion.

 

what have u been doing to make your reactions better?

[Downtown]

I've been reading about BPD lately because I feel I definitely am on the spectrum...not full blown but traits.

We all are somewhere on the BPD spectrum, Sunshine. The AMA is currently in the process of revising its diagnostic manual to show that -- by replacing the current bifurcated approach to diagnosis with a graduated approach (a preview is shown in Sec. 3 of DSM-5). Indeed, we all are on different areas of the spectrum at various points in our lives. During early childhood, e.g., we all exhibit full-blown BPD behavior 24/7. And many of us start behaving that way again for a few years when our hormones surge during puberty or perimenopause.

 

The fact that you have some awareness of the things you do. Is a good thing.

Yes, absolutely! Deep Night's posts exhibit an amazingly level of self awareness that is rare -- I would guess maybe 5% -- among folks having strong BPD traits. That self awareness bodes well for her likely benefiting greatly from therapy (such as CBT or DBT).

 

You cannot control your emotions.... What YOU can control is the reactions the actions after the emotion.

Actually, adults can control their emotions to a substantial extent. Healthy children eventually learn new coping skills and ego defenses that give them the ability to start regulating their own emotions.

 

One of these skills is the ability to deflect one's own attention to some other thought so as to prevent the hurtful feeling from building up by continually looping in one's mind. Parents usually are well aware of this technique and help their young children acquire the skill -- by doing something to divert the child's attention when he/she is throwing a temper tantrum.

 

Another such skill is the "mindfulness" you mention. Indeed, it is one of the very first emotional skills -- ego defenses, actually -- that BPDers are taught in CBT and DBT sessions. It is the skill of focusing one's thoughts on the present instead of getting caught up into obsessive worrying about past misdeeds and possible future threats. A third skill is being able to intellectually challenge intense feelings instead of accepting them as self evident "facts." Because BPDers lack these skills, a large segment of the psychiatric community has been lobbying for two decades to change its name to "Emotional Regulation Disorder."

 

There is a good book I have been reading: Mindfulness for Borderline Personality Disorder.

Excellent recommendation. Another book that is very popular with BPDers is Borderline Personality Disorder Demystified: An Essential Guide to Understanding and Living with BPD.

[Chica80]

oh, that's great, thanks! i never heard of that book, ill definitely try to get it!

 

 

what have u been doing to make your reactions better?

 

I have been dealing with depression for about 9 years now. Last week while looking for something else I came across BPD. When I read the diagnosis it screamed at me. This is me. I talked with a friend of mine and my therapist as well. Neither think I am full blown but def traits and def on the spectrum. Somehow reading these traits gave me a starting point. Relief in a sense like oh I struggle with or that's a problem for me...So how can I work on that how can I fix that.

 

Downtown

Actually, adults can control their emotions to a substantial extent. Healthy children eventually learn new coping skills and ego defenses that give them the ability to start regulating their own emotions.

 

One of these skills is the ability to deflect one's own attention to some other thought so as to prevent the hurtful feeling from building up by continually looping in one's mind. Parents usually are well aware of this technique and help their young children acquire the skill -- by doing something to divert the child's attention when he/she is throwing a temper tantrum.

 

For the longest time all I felt was guilt. I am not normal there is something wrong with me. Slowly I am starting to see no. While I agree with the bolded statement for me that's an, end goal. Right now I can't control the emotion it is not a skill I have yet. But what I can start with is controlling the behavior.

 

A long answer for your original question OP. Therapy...Therapy...Therapy. I have been in therapy for a little over a year now. Continuosly.

I have a two good friends that I talk to about my thoughts. When I'm stuck in black and white thinking or can't decipher between reality and distortion I talk to a friend. Like I said I just started reading this Mindfullness book. That's been helpful. I have read that DBT is great for BPD. I talked to my therapist about it.

My therapist also recommended journaling.

 

But, and this is new for me trying to sit with the emotion for a minute before I react. Saying ok what is this emotion? Why? What do I do with it?

[sazzietheleo]

Hello, OP

 

I broke up with my BPD boyf six months ago. We were together maybe a year and a half and after cutting me off three times due to being freaked out by intimacy, he told me about the BPD. However, things just didn't work out - it was too damaging for him and i was getting too hurt. So we called it quits and are now just friends. Which is very difficult to do, as i love him more than anyone (i've had four previous serious relationships).

 

What i'm most interested to know is, he claims that he has never once lied to me, and that every time he said "i love you", he meant it.

 

I've been on SOOO many BPD forums and the majority say that love is an emotion simply not felt by BPDs.

 

I guess i'm just not sure what to think..... any thoughts??

 

All good wishes,

Sazzietheleo xx

[deep_night]

Hello, OP

 

I broke up with my BPD boyf six months ago. We were together maybe a year and a half and after cutting me off three times due to being freaked out by intimacy, he told me about the BPD. However, things just didn't work out - it was too damaging for him and i was getting too hurt. So we called it quits and are now just friends. Which is very difficult to do, as i love him more than anyone (i've had four previous serious relationships).

 

What i'm most interested to know is, he claims that he has never once lied to me, and that every time he said "i love you", he meant it.

 

I've been on SOOO many BPD forums and the majority say that love is an emotion simply not felt by BPDs.

 

I guess i'm just not sure what to think..... any thoughts??

 

All good wishes,

Sazzietheleo xx

 

hey :3

im sorry about your breakup with someone you loved :/

 

i don't believe that borderlines lack the capacity to love.... its just that you cant love someone without trusting them, and we usually have a hard time trusting. at least that's how i am :/ being in a state of almost loving, but holding back. i never feel free to let myself go as im always on guard and anxious.

 

i've told my boyfriend the exact same thing about being friends, when i had one of these freaking out episodes. BUT, i didnt tell him out of nowhere, i told him because i believed he didnt want me. and i told him that i wouldnt be able to be friends immediately, id have to let some time pass. is that the case with your boyfriend? maybe he saw the pattern happening too many times and can't handle it. and maybe he respects you enough not to include you in this mess. i sometimes think like that.

 

to be honest though, i think being friends with someone you're in love with is a bad idea. i totally understand its hard to let go, but you dont seem happy.

[Downtown]

I've been on SOOO many BPD forums and the majority say that love is an emotion simply not felt by BPDs.

Sazzie, I agree with DeepNight that BPDers (i.e., those with strong and persistent symptoms) are able to love, albeit in the immature way that young children do so. Because a BPDer's is very emotionally immature, he is unable to tolerate strong mixed feelings, ambiguities, uncertainties, and other gray areas of interpersonal relationships. Hence, like a young child, a BPDer by doing "black-white thinking."

 

This "all-or-nothing" thinking means that he only has to deal with one intense feeling at a time. The result is that, when you trigger a BPDer's anger/fear, he can flip to devaluing you -- or even hating you -- in just ten seconds. And a few hours, days, or weeks later, he can flip back again just as quickly. What is happening is that the BPDer still loves you but, because you've triggered his anger, he puts his loving feelings for you completely out of reach of his conscious mind. This means that the love is still there but he is out of touch with it.

 

If this seems bizzare, keep in mind that we ALL resorted to this black-white thinking 24/7 during our early childhoods. Hence, when mommy brought out the toys, we adored mommy. But when she took one of them away, we instantly flipped to hating mommy and throwing a temper tantrum. Even as adults, we all tend to resort to B-W thinking whenever we experience very intense feelings. This is why we try to keep our mouths shut when very angry -- and try to wait at least two years before buying the ring.

 

As to the folks on the BPD forums claiming that BPDers cannot love, keep in mind that the vast majority of them are abused partners who are fresh out of a BPDer R/S. They tend to be very angry and very hurt. It therefore is not surprising that many of the abused partners on those forums exhibit a level of B-W thinking that rivals that of the BPDers. Specifically, many of those folks are so hurt/angry that they perceive of their BPDer ex-partner as "all black." They therefore mistakenly perceive of BPDers as equivalent to narcissists and sociopaths, who are unable to love. Indeed, there are several heavily trafficked BPD websites which (like the blog website by Shari Schreiber) lump those three PD types together and mistakenly treat them as being indistinguishable.

 

He claims that he has never once lied to me, and that every time he said "i love you", he meant it.

Lying is a trait of narcissism and sociopathy, not of BPD. Granted, a BPDer may lie to you when he is trapped and can see no other way to avoid humiliation. But lying typically is the very last ego defense mechanism that a BPDer would rely on.

 

The reason is that a BPDer typically is filled with self loathing and tremendous guilt. Hence, the last thing a BPDer wants is one more thing to feel guilty about. Moreover, a BPDer usually has no need for that ego defense. His subconscious works 24/7 protecting his fragile ego from seeing too much of reality. It accomplishes this by projecting all hurtful feelings and bad thoughts onto his partner.

 

Because this projection occurs entirely at the subconscious level, he is consciously unaware that it is happening. This is why a BPDer typically BELIEVES the outrageous allegations coming out of his mouth. And, a week later when he is claiming the exact opposite, he will be convinced that is true also. The result is that BPDers are able to protect their fragile egos -- in the same way that young children protect their egos -- with projection.

 

Importantly, I am not saying that you will never find a group of BPDers who lie frequently. Rather, I am only saying that lying is not a BPD trait. This is an important distinction because a recent study found that 39% of full-blown BPDers also suffer from full-blown narcissism -- and 14% also suffer from full-blown ASPD (Sociopathy). Because those two groups largely overlap in BPDers exhibiting 3 disorders, most BPDers do not exhibit either of those full-blown disorders. Hence, most BPDers very rarely lie to a loved one.