Cupid's Puppet Posted August 21, 2016 Posted August 21, 2016 My feeling is that short of being in the military, if they don't love deeply enough to want frequent contact with their own kids, they don't have much capacity for love and are probably only focused on getting laid, or that they are just hugely irresponsible and think them having a good time is more important than raising their kids. Just a thought. My friend has been my friend for over a decade. He has never made sexual advances toward me. His wanting to be with me is not about him wanting to have a good time. A "good time" is what prostitutes offer. He wants a chance at love. My friend is over 31 and has never had a loving relationship. I know this. We tell each other everything. So I don't fault him for wanting to move to experience something he never experienced. The desire for wanting someone can be that strong. But he at least was willing. And he wants more kids. He loves being a father. Logistically, it may or may not have worked. I guess I'll ask him more about this later this afternoon.
Amelie1980 Posted August 21, 2016 Posted August 21, 2016 And even in a place that allows, say, 90 minutes away, who in their right mind would want to go through that every week? Every week?! Big deal. I travel 90 minutes to work every day. One way. So every day I do three hours travelling. It is not that bad. The city I live in is so big, such distances are normal if you live on the outskirts and work in the center.
katiegrl Posted August 21, 2016 Posted August 21, 2016 Every week?! Big deal. I travel 90 minutes to work every day. One way. So every day I do three hours travelling. It is not that bad. The city I live in is so big, such distances are normal if you live on the outskirts and work in the center. Exactly. And if he thought it was a big deal, why did he bother with the email exchange in the first place? As soon as she told him where she lived during those early text exchanges, he would have said next. The distance is too great. He didn't next her because it did not bother him 'before' they met. It only bothered him 'after' they met.... because he wasn't feeling it after they met.
Sunkissedpatio Posted August 21, 2016 Posted August 21, 2016 Alabama how did you meet this man? (sorry if I missed it) How long has he been single from the ex that cheated on him? And how long were you dating him?
Ami1uwant Posted August 21, 2016 Posted August 21, 2016 Your situation is exactly WHY I didn't waste my time dating guys who lived an hour or two away from me. There was just no point in it because I wasn't moving to be with anyone and didn't expect anyone to move to be with ME. I mean seriously, who wants to have to plan a whole day around 4 hours of commuting? People like to meet impulsively for a movie or coffee or dinner but you can't do that in your case. You literally have to plan to spend the entire day away from home in order to make it worth your while. He's absolutely right - it's pointless to pursue anything if he's looking for something that will eventually lead to a long term live-in relationship or even marriage. You are blindly ignoring the distance without looking at individual situations. Always know the full picture before dismissing on distance. I agree you can have great chemistry together but other factors could affect things. Some of these are... 1. Issue of distances and how "tuned down" each person is if one could move to the other 2. You could have great chemistry but are very different in interests and share little. 3. You may not be able to live together because you two are very different. These could be different religions, different parenting styles, different living styles. 4. You have differences in where you are like both 35 and one wants kids snd the other already has done that. 1
preraph Posted August 21, 2016 Posted August 21, 2016 My friend has been my friend for over a decade. He has never made sexual advances toward me. His wanting to be with me is not about him wanting to have a good time. A "good time" is what prostitutes offer. He wants a chance at love. My friend is over 31 and has never had a loving relationship. I know this. We tell each other everything. So I don't fault him for wanting to move to experience something he never experienced. The desire for wanting someone can be that strong. But he at least was willing. And he wants more kids. He loves being a father. Logistically' date=' it may or may not have worked. I guess I'll ask him more about this later this afternoon.[/quote'] You say he's never had a loving relationship. Well, that's BS. He may feel that way now, but I guarantee you that at the time he made those babies, he thought he was in love with her. And he may not ever love anyone the way he did her.
preraph Posted August 21, 2016 Posted August 21, 2016 Every week?! Big deal. I travel 90 minutes to work every day. One way. So every day I do three hours travelling. It is not that bad. The city I live in is so big, such distances are normal if you live on the outskirts and work in the center. Yeah, but if you work AND have to do it, there's no time for much else. Plus, why would you if you didn't have to? He knows this.
katiegrl Posted August 21, 2016 Posted August 21, 2016 (edited) Yeah, but if you work AND have to do it, there's no time for much else. Plus, why would you if you didn't have to? ----- **He knows this. Yes he did know it. And he knew it during the weeks "prior" to meeting her in person too. Yet he continued pursuing her via text/email/phone and then met her... in person. Then suddenly after meeting her in person, it bothers him? Why awaken her emotions only to shoot them down? Knowing the distance was a problem for him from the get go? That's cruel. Edited August 21, 2016 by katiegrl
Sunkissedpatio Posted August 21, 2016 Posted August 21, 2016 Does anyone know if they met online? And also when she says we met up the other day and it was lovely, was this the first time they met in person? And then the text happened after that?
katiegrl Posted August 21, 2016 Posted August 21, 2016 Does anyone know if they met online? And also when she says we met up the other day and it was lovely, was this the first time they met in person? And then the text happened after that? Yes they met on line, chatted for three weeks via text... Then they had their first meet, after which he texted her telling her distance was too great. 1
Cupid's Puppet Posted August 21, 2016 Posted August 21, 2016 (edited) You say he's never had a loving relationship. Well, that's BS. He may feel that way now, but I guarantee you that at the time he made those babies, he thought he was in love with her. And he may not ever love anyone the way he did her. The love wasn't reciprocated. She cheated on him throughout their marriage and was never going to admit it. She was caught in a situation where she had to confess. So no not bs. She felt pressured to marry him and he was just desperate to get married. ETA: Even if we don't end up together I'd wager that he could love someone more than his wife that slept with multiple men, shared nude photos with men, and so much other crap. My friend is ready for a change in scenery and I support that. Edited August 21, 2016 by Cupid's Puppet
bachdude Posted August 21, 2016 Posted August 21, 2016 (edited) Here's what bothers me about his text he sent OP. He writes, There's no flexibility with us. Are you saying you would move up to me because there's no way I could move down to you as it would mean sacrificing my time with Theo and he will always come first. I guess I was being selfish at first thinking you're hot funny ideal for me. Didn't think through the logistics in the future. Notice, he asked you a question (he forgot the "?") when he said, "Are you saying you would move up to me...[?] So here is what bothers me about this whole situation; He ended it without getting a clear idea from you if you would move up to him. Just boom! It's over! No talk, no clarifying what you think! Now, in all fairness, he did try to bring it up with you and it seems like you shut down the talk with a rather curt sounding, "If you think it's a problem them maybe we should end it" or something to that effect. I think your statement, OP, could be understood as low interest and no willingness to talk it through No matter what his interest is, and we can hypothesize all day long about it, I don't see evidence of good communication here at all. Edited August 21, 2016 by bachdude
Gr8fuln2020 Posted August 21, 2016 Posted August 21, 2016 1) 2 hours doesn't even qualify as long distance. 2) the guy wasn't feeling it, huge chemistry and attraction is your perspective. Regardless of what he said, his actions show otherwise. I met a woman who lived a good distance away. About 2-hours. I have to tell you, even though 2-hours may not seem like a lot, it is for busy, dating parents. You have to find sitters, schedule out time, considerable amount of time, away from your children to meet. If working, there's no time during the week and certainly no sleeping over regardless. Not early in the relationship and it's during this time where a solid foundation needs to be had. If I can't get to someone within an hour, I personally see it as long distance. That's to say that this guy made the right decision. He made his children a priority and KNOWS the complications that come with "distance" relationships.
preraph Posted August 21, 2016 Posted August 21, 2016 Yes he did know it. And he knew it during the weeks "prior" to meeting her in person too. Yet he continued pursuing her via text/email/phone and then met her... in person. Then suddenly after meeting her in person, it bothers him? Why awaken her emotions only to shoot them down? Knowing the distance was a problem for him from the get go? That's cruel. He probably hoped to have sex and/or even thought maybe he'd find a woman who would pull up her anchors rather than him doing it.
preraph Posted August 21, 2016 Posted August 21, 2016 The love wasn't reciprocated. She cheated on him throughout their marriage and was never going to admit it. She was caught in a situation where she had to confess. So no not bs. She felt pressured to marry him and he was just desperate to get married. ETA: Even if we don't end up together I'd wager that he could love someone more than his wife that slept with multiple men, shared nude photos with men, and so much other crap. My friend is ready for a change in scenery and I support that. You're only hearing his side of it, and if you think there's not two sides and that he was innocent in all this, that's naive.
Mkn1010 Posted August 21, 2016 Posted August 21, 2016 I completely agree with bachdude! He changed his tune as a result of you raising the distance issue, he then started thinking it was unworkable when it clearly wasn't a deal breaker beforehand! I doubt this is a situation of low interest, what does your gut tell you?
Sunkissedpatio Posted August 21, 2016 Posted August 21, 2016 Yes they met on line, chatted for three weeks via text... Then they had their first meet, after which he texted her telling her distance was too great. Thank you Katie! I asked because my first reaction to this situation was he used the lamest excuse in the book to not proceed because he is: either a commitmentphobe especially since his last girlfriend cheated on him so he is not over her or ready for a rel. of any kind that's why he agreed to meet you because the distance ensured he'd never get serious with you or he just decided he didn't wanted to date you for whatever reason and used the distance as an out He's full of it!! If they had met organically I can see him deciding that the distance was too much after actually doing it. But if they met online he knew VERY WELL what he was getting into so he used the very thing he was able to overlook in order to get to know her, as his exit strategy. LAME! Move on this guy is transparently useless to you.
Leigh 87 Posted August 21, 2016 Posted August 21, 2016 1) 2 hours doesn't even qualify as long distance. 2) the guy wasn't feeling it, huge chemistry and attraction is your perspective. Regardless of what he said, his actions show otherwise. I have had SEVERAL men want to commit, with a 2 hour trip....... each way....... 2 of my exes did. They both travelled for a year to see me. On the other hand..... men who weren't that into me saw a 45 min trip as an inconvennience:lmao: Mate..the excuses men will come up with...I once heard a girl say that her "boyfriend" wouldn't travel 15 mins to see her:lmao:
h0000 Posted August 21, 2016 Posted August 21, 2016 Long distance is not the problem. If you truely are crazy about each other you overcome the difficulties. Lessons to be learnt here is never believe a guy who says he's crazy abut you after one date. It is a lie. You two did not have huge attraction whatsoever, maybe you did but he didn't. He led you on
Author Alabama1877 Posted August 22, 2016 Author Posted August 22, 2016 I completely agree with bachdude! He changed his tune as a result of you raising the distance issue, he then started thinking it was unworkable when it clearly wasn't a deal breaker beforehand! I doubt this is a situation of low interest, what does your gut tell you? My gut tells me he's scared we will both fall in love with each other..and when it got to the point of the next level of a relationship..we wouldn't be able to do anything about it. 1
hippychick3 Posted August 22, 2016 Posted August 22, 2016 This is what happens when you spend too long texting each other before meeting. The build up and anticipation was too great and expectations were too high. It had already become somewhat of a fantasy for him. So when you met, yes there was some chemistry but not at the level he had unrealistically built up in his head. Hence, he used the distance as an excuse not to continue the relationship whereas before you met, the distance was not an issue. Move on, OP. And next time, don't spend so much time texting before meeting. 3
Sunkissedpatio Posted August 22, 2016 Posted August 22, 2016 Then why would even agree to a first date? Did he not know how far you lived from each other before the first date?
katiegrl Posted August 22, 2016 Posted August 22, 2016 Then why would even agree to a first date? Did he not know how far you lived from each other before the first date? Of course, it is obvious it was an excuse, but OP is in denial right now because the alternative (rejection) is too painful for her to deal with at the moment. In time, she will realize it was an excuse, and it is *then* she will be able to learn from this and move on. Apologies to OP for talking about you in the third person, best of luck. 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted August 22, 2016 Posted August 22, 2016 My gut tells me he's scared we will both fall in love with each other..and when it got to the point of the next level of a relationship..we wouldn't be able to do anything about it. It saddens me that people still beleive that somone is too scared of love or likes them too much or whatever. You are grown woman with a child. I can't beleive that someone that's beyond teens and early 20s can even think that this is plausible. I volunteer for 5 hours every Sunday at a place that's 90 mins drive one way. I make the total of 3 hour drive every Sunday because I am passionate about the cause. I also work 50-60 hours weeks. Imagine if I was passionate about a man? Please
Mkn1010 Posted August 22, 2016 Posted August 22, 2016 To be honest, I think that one knows when someone really likes them and when someone doesn't. We have instincts and you can FEEL intensity. I don't think anyone can tell you what he felt but you and him, HAVE FAITH IN YOURSELF. What the person above said about fear not being legitimate is not true in every instance. I once had an experience where a guy ghosted on me and I KNEW it was because he was scared, I almost predicted that he would ghost because my gut felt that he was fearful of getting hurt and he said his last GF left him "broken". That guy came back 2 weeks later telling me he felt overwhelmed by the intensity but that he really liked me. At that stage though, it became apparent that even though he wanted to be ready to try for love again, he was NOT. Fear IS a factor and don't underestimate the impact it has on people who have been severely hurt in the past.
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