Insecure in relationship: Trying to become a better man for her

[StevenP]

Hi everyone. I'm a 25 year old male with only one other serious relationship behind me, a girl I dated for 3 years. Haven't dated anyone since then and that has been 3 years ago, however I've had sexual relationships that never became anything.

 

For 3 months now I've been dating this amazing girl, and things have progressed so quickly that I've been feeling like I'm in love with her, which I let slit out a couple weeks ago. Since the beginning of our relationship we've been fighting over trivial matters that always stem from my insecurities, and I can see it's beginning to get emotionally exhausting for her. Usually they arise from her dating past, or small things like me interpreting a lack of affection from her, or her omitting some sexual details from previous partners/relationships. I'm fully aware that my behaviours are irrational, and most of the time I don't act out on them, but when I do we fight. The fights start after she explains to me her side, her trying to get away from the situation, and me crying and her coming back. This is all very embarrassing to me which is why I'm desperate for advice. We then proceed to make up over a couple hours and things return to normal. I've already found a psychologist to deal with these issues, but I'm still worried to death I'm going to lose her or not ever be emotionally secure for any future relationships. Things like her dating past no longer bother me, as I'm slowly getting over those issues, but feel like when one issue no longer bothers me, another starts to. I'm never controlling in the sense of restricting her from doing things, nor do I feel the need to snoop through her stuff. In general, we have very strong feelings for each other and have fun together. As it stands right now she has no interest in breaking up with me, and is working with me and communicating strongly on getting through this. At the same time, it's one thing to love someone, it's another to have to put up with an insecure boyfriend. After we fight about stuff, she gets mad when I ask why she hasn't broken up with me, and she tells me that she doesn't want me to get better for someone in the future, and really wants me to change for us, which is something I highly respect and appreciate, and will try and do anything to make things work.

 

I don't know why I'm insecure. I had a very rough childhood with a neglectful household, and have always been told I wasn't good enough. When I'm single I'm very confident. When I'm single I KNOW I'm attractive, smart, funny, and overall a good catch. I'm successful in life and have great relationships with friends and the good family members i have. I have a good relationship with her family and when our relationship is going well it's amazing for both of us. However, this girl makes all my lack of self-confidence come out and I have no idea why exactly. I somehow think she can do better than me because I put her on a pedestal, which is completely ridiculous. She's very affectionate towards me, but any moment where she isn't I feel like somethings wrong. At the beginning I felt the immense need to ask about her sexual partners, and then when I asked questions I didn't want to hear, would get upset with her. Things like if I was the best she's had, or who has made her orgasm would be some of them. For christ sake I make the girl squirt/orgasm and have great sex, but I still care about others which in all honestly is absolutely none of my business. Why do I need to be the best? I sure as hell don't think about any of my past partners but for some reason don't hold her to the same standard. Ultimately I also feel like I told her i loved her too soon and that she needs to feel more secure in our relationship to feel the same with me too (ie stop fighting all the time to give her this security). She says she loves me back but I know it's the love you not the the "I love you", if that makes sense.

 

Sorry for the long read, I'm thinking out loud and these things are hard to express for me. I can go into more detail if need be. I see some of the good advice people give here and can really use a hard lesson.

 

Thank you

Edited August 21, 2016 by StevenP

[BaileyB]

I think it's good that you have found a counsellor who can help you to figure some of this out. Your behavior definitely sounds like that of an insure person who is anxious and afraid that you may lose the relationship. Hopefully, knowing that this is something you are working to change, she will be patient and give you some time. Otherwise, your behavior may just become too much for her and you may end doing exactly what you don't want to do... push her away.

 

One thought - think about what you would like from her and tell her what makes you feel safe and secure in the relationship. Example, if physical affection is most important, tell her that and tell her what you would like from her. Otherwise, you have to stop with the questions (re: her past) and the testing to know if she's going to stick around... At a certain point, you are going to have to be vulnerable and just realize, you can't control her or the relationship such that she will never leave (ie, telling her you love her and trying to get reassurance from that). It's just not possible... You have to learn to live with the uncertainty.

 

My friend who is a counsellor would tell me to think - "what is the worst that could happen?" and make peace with that outcome (ie. realizing that even if the worst happened and she left the relationship, you would be ok).

 

Best of luck to you.

Edited August 21, 2016 by BaileyB

[preraph]

You should see a psychologist and find out why you're so insecure that every detail she did before she met you matters. A secure person doesn't do that. This is going to always ruin your dating life, because even if you marry a virgin, you'll still be paranoid about everything.

 

And the fact you're scoring yourself for making her orgasm tells me you also have a lot of sexual insecurity and are placing way more importance on that than you should. A woman can have an orgasm and then get up and leave you the next minute. I know because I've done it. Talk to a therapist, get to why you're so insecure and why that ties into sex.

Edited August 21, 2016 by preraph

[Sunkissedpatio]

Couple of things here StevenP

 

Look up the porcupine dance theory in romance. In essence it refers to how we become more insecure the more intimacy we experience when we are in love (fear of loss) and we extend our quills like a porcupine to repel our love objects. The female porcupine is in heat once a year so the male needs to learn how to "dance" with the female in order to get close enough to her (quills flattened) in order to mate with her otherwise he will get pricked and no sex.

 

You are doing this. The more love/intimacy/attraction you feel for her the more you are extending your quills so you need to learn the dance.

 

Since you have already determined the triggers that will bring out your irrational jealousy you need to avoid them at all costs.

 

Why in the world are you asking her about past sexual experiences? Absolutely NO GOOD can come of a conversation like that. Do you really need to hear "you are the best lover I have ever had?" When you are experiencing what you are with her right now?

 

If you are not the best lover she ever had do you think she will actually admit that? Think of it the other way around, if you were having magnificent sex with your woman but you knew you had mind blowing sex with an ex would you tell her this?

 

Don't go looking for answers that you will never have the answer to. She can say a lot of things and it still won't appease you or satisfy you so just don't even go there. It's futile. Focus on what you do know, you give her magnificent orgasms and she shows you she is utterly in ecstasy. What more do you need? Nothing more. Take what she tells you at face value and learn to trust what she says.

 

My ex did a lot of the things you are doing, sex was a hot topic I'd end up having to defend myself from my past experiences when HE was the one who was initiating all these questions, until I put my foot down one day and said I refuse to explain and justify myself to you about my past relationships, and quite frankly it really is none of your business what my sex life was like with my ex's. I could care less how hot or great past sex was with his ex's our sex was mind blowing and that was good enough for me. If there ways way better? Oh well...He should be with her if it was that great. But he wasn't. You can ask me whatever you want I am all for transparency but if I am going to be gaslighted and tricked into a bear trap then I will have no part of that. He eventually got it.

 

Don't ruin a good thing with overthinking about things you have 0 control over. She is with you and she digs you, live it more think it less.

you are going to turn her off like that.

 

Great step towards therapy, good for you.

Edited August 21, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio

[kendahke]

You don't need a girlfriend right now.

 

You need to invest your attention, focus and energy into your psychologist and letting them help you to resolve the mountain of past issues that you're trying to force your relationships to resolve. You are being totally unfair to her because she isn't what you need and she can't be what you need right now--- you're too fragmented to be of any good to anyone. Get whole, first, within yourself before bringing that bag of mess to someone else for them to sort--that's your own heavy lifting you need to be doing, not her or any other girl.

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

You don't need a girlfriend right now.

 

You need to invest your attention, focus and energy into your psychologist and letting them help you to resolve the mountain of past issues that you're trying to force your relationships to resolve. You are being totally unfair to her because she isn't what you need and she can't be what you need right now--- you're too fragmented to be of any good to anyone. Get whole, first, within yourself before bringing that bag of mess to someone else for them to sort--that's your own heavy lifting you need to be doing, not her or any other girl.

 

No.I disagree. The guy was single for three years. That's long enough. I think what you need is to go to a counsellor as your dating this girl and see if you can work on your issues while you're dating her.

 

I absolutely understand though where you are coming from OP. I have been what you are now when I suddenly get a relationship there is this overwhelming sense of gratitude and appreciation for the guy I'm with. I know what it's like to be single for years on end without much reprieve. Although, there is nothing wrong with being single for long periods of time, there is a feast or famine thing that happens rather uncontrollably. Suddenly, when I am in a relationship, I feel so happy but so uncontrollably insecure. It's almost like I'll do anything to make the guy happy, it comes on so strong and suddenly. Being single is my default, being in a relationship feels very foreign. But because being in a relationship is wonderful, there is a sense of urgency to make things as good as I can make them, then my insecurities come out. Someone mentioned a 'fear of loss" ? I would look into that. That sounds quite accurate. Abandonment issues perhaps? you've mentioned being neglected as a child. What you're really asking the girl ( through your reactions, actions and responses) is.. am I good enough for you? will I be good enough for you? and am I good enough for you to make you want to stay with me?

 

I know you don't mean to be obsessive in your behaviour. I would look into clearing these issues with a therapist, and always communicate these things with your girlfriend. If you girlfriend is supportive she'll stay with you through the process. Best of luck

[Sunkissedpatio]

I disagree with Kendhake too.

 

This is not the kind of thing you learn being on your own, learning to control the jealousy and insecurities and urges to act on irrational thoughts can only happen when you are romantically involved with someone else.

 

I'll bet anything he doesn't feel this level of insecurity outside of relationships, it is the closeness and intimacy that is making him act this way. And he needs to learn to cope with the urges while with someone, he won't have the same urges alone nor will he learn anything running away from relationships because he cannot manage that.

[Zapbasket]

First of all, it's GREAT that you are seeing a therapist. It means you see that only YOU can be responsible for how you feel and how you react to situations; it shows that you don't blame others but rather are willing to look into yourself for solutions to life's ailments. That alone makes it much easier to be in a relationship with you. So you're already doing a lot of the right things.

 

Second, work on changing how you think about yourself. You don't need to "become a better man for her." You already are enough, and this is proven by the fact that right now, today, she chooses to be with you. She sees something in you; she sees you as an equal. So don't assign value judgments or make comparisons about who you are intrinsically as a person. Tell yourself simply that you recognize you have some issues around intimacy and self-worth, and they are adversely affecting your relationship, and because you care about your relationship and about bringing the best of yourself to everything you do, you are seeking some professional help. It's much more empowering and motivating to think that way, rather than try to work from a place of viewing yourself as "less." You already fundamentally view yourself as LESS and that's the problem! So don't use that thinking as your foundation for self-improvement; use it as the thing you are trying to improve. See the difference?

 

And re: the sex. Look. Sex is sex. There are big penises, little ones, odd ones, have-trouble-staying-up ones, ones in a near constant state of raging hard-on. And any of these penises can be attached to men of the gamut of levels of physical attractiveness, and any of these penises and these men can be the source of memories of stellar sexual connection and orgasmic bliss. Whatever it was, whatever combination of sexual events forms your gf's memories, in the end, it was just sex, and none of it was enough to keep her in those relationships, was it? You and she are together now, she wants you now, she is having sex and orgasming with you now, and that's all that is important. That's everything, actually. Aim to please her sexually not in an effort to measure up to what you think her past sex life was like, but in an effort to most fully express the LOVE you have for HER.

 

And very last thing: it's awesome that you told her you love her. You felt it and you said it. It shows you have emotional courage to go with your demonstrated sense of emotional responsibility. Never feel ashamed for loving and especially never feel shame for expressing your love. Rather, feel PROUD that you're capable of that degree of emotional openness and honesty: many people live their whole lives and are never capable of that.

[newheart]

She's very affectionate towards me, but any moment where she isn't I feel like somethings wrong.

 

Hi Steven,

 

I can 110% relate to what you wrote. I have abandonment issues and consistently gauge my relationship by analyzing how he is acting towards me. It is utterly exhausting, and not an accurate representation of how our relationship is going. Think about it in a different mindset, say, professionally. (I know I have these issues with intimate relationships only) I have a stressful work day, I might not be my usual cheery self to my staff, it doesn't necessarily mean I am going to quit or fire someone. Yet, the minute my boyfriend isn't all over me, I interpret that as him having second thoughts about our relationship. 99.9% of the time, I am able to keep that to myself and it hasn't become an issue for us, but I need to work on this for my own (sanity!) happiness. I, too, am seeing a therapist so I think it is great that you have taken that step.

 

I don't know why I'm insecure. I had a very rough childhood with a neglectful household, and have always been told I wasn't good enough.

 

I am sure there is more to it, but I think you do somewhat know why you are insecure. I don't quite understand my own insecurities either - I think that I am a good person, deserving of having a loving relationship. However, somehow it is ingrained in me that I am not good enough for similar reasons you mentioned above. You will need to explore this with the counselor you selected.

 

For now, when I am feeling particularly insecure, I go to a good friend who can tell me I am being ridiculous (lol) or help me try to see things objectively. Or, I will post here and let everyone tell me how I am overreacting or overanalyzing. It sounds funny, but it really has been helpful.

 

In the end though, I still need to do more work to get to the root of the matter and retrain myself and my thinking on intimate relationships. Basically, love terrifies me, and it brings out all these difficult and sometimes irrational defense mechanisms.

 

And, agree with the posters that this is an issue you need to tackle while IN a relationship. Good luck!

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

As someone who was single for 12 and a half years, I wish I had been a relationship earlier so that these insecurities came up earlier so I can deal with them a long time ago, that means, that any future significant other does not have to deal what my last boyfriend did. The issues OP is talking about I only dealt with them a few months ago, it took a relationship to bring them out. Unfortunately, the relationship did not last, and I can only say it was my issues, due to having only just gotten into an intimate relationship for the first time in over a decade, that all these repressed factors came through in ugly ways. I realised I had missed out on significant milestones, and my boyfriend at the time was having to pay for things I could have and SHOULD have dealt with about ten years ago.

 

Things such as...

 

* Working on things like the ability to communicate

 

* fear of loss as someone has mentioned- being overly excited for a new relationship, putting all my eggs in one basket but only realising that I was insecure by my boyfriend's sexual history and my lack thereof

 

* Fear of missing out- although I cannot stress enough that long-term singleness in itself is not a bad thing, there are hurts associated with that. If you are motivated to " catch up" with others who have enjoyed long-term relationships for several years, or feeling at a loss because you have only "just gotten into" a serious relationship after years of being alone, there are fears that you will screw it up. Knowing that your significant other has enjoyed intimate relationships while you've been alone CAN cause insecurity. Some call it FOMO.

It will take someone with a lot of sensitivity, loyalty and patience to stay by the side of someone when they are coming to grips with these issues and repressed issues for the first time.

 

He's only 25 and dealing with them now. I would say that this is a good sign. If he was ten or twenty years older, his significant partner may not be as patient, possibly believing that he should have dealt with his irrationalities ions ago. Plus he is self-aware enough to understand that these issues are his issues, not the issues of his partner.

 

I would say this, though, don't worry about the fact that you may or may not be the best in bed for your current partner. We've all had less enjoyable sex and crazy-good sex with others before. You have probably given fantastic orgasms to previous partners weather exclusive relationships or flings. So do not be so hard on yourself. My best was my ex just a few months ago. Although I have little to compare him too, my ex-was still my best to date, and there is something wonderful about that. It's not like you are not without your sexual experience as well. Cherish those moments, and bring all your sexual skills and experiences to your new sex life with your new partner, just try and avoid any hang-ups associated with her sexual history and yours.

[StevenP]

Thanks for the replies everyone, you've really inspired me to try and work things out with myself. Unfortunately today I began behaving the same way. I don't understand it, sometimes I rationalize my feelings and her and I communicate amazingly well, other times I feel like my mind is a runaway train and I can't put the brakes. I know these are things only therapy can resolve, it just really sucks feeling powerless. Her and I have been spending every day together for the last while, and I'm really starting to feel like this is too often. What do you think? Part of me likes to think that if we will ever work out seriously we should be able to not fight or act weird with each other when we spend a lot of time together. Other times i think that absence makes the heart grow fonder.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Her and I have been spending every day together for the last while, and I'm really starting to feel like this is too often. What do you think? Part of me likes to think that if we will ever work out seriously we should be able to not fight or act weird with each other when we spend a lot of time together. Other times i think that absence makes the heart grow fonder.

 

That was an interesting comment, maybe you are spending too much time together. More than you would actually care to, and you are subconsciously self-sabotaging to get some space.

[StevenP]

I actually love spending all this time with her and so does she. But it's weird in the sense that maybe that might be part of the reason things are the way they are. Who knows, but it doesn't hurt to try and give each other space. I showed her this thread earlier today so that we could better understanding of where we were both coming from and and she agreed with most of what everyone said, except for the person who suggested breaking up haha. We had a discussion on perhaps spending less time with each other (not every single day) and we both agreed that can help bring us to behave on our best behaviour with each other when we are together. Who knows but I'm willing to try anything at this point.