newbby Posted July 3, 2005 Posted July 3, 2005 original post locked???? having been the ow i can say i KNOW this much: i know that i was completely lied to by the mm i know that i was very down on myself when i submitted i know that the mm pursued me intently and determinedly i know that during that time i was in a certain amount of denial i know that i was/am a commitment phobe i know that he NEVER would have left his wife i dont KNOW: whether it was just a sexual thing for him whether his marriage was actually wonderful or not i dont know whether somebody would go to the lengths he went through, and i hear the other mm on here go through just for sex alone. it could possibly be a combination of sex, ego boost, excitement, i also think there are some feelings, analyse any feelings in the early stages of a relationship and you will probably come up with a similar result. the difference is that this relationship cant develop into more, so it continues on this fairly superficial level, for the duration of the affair. the ow gets addicted to certain things in this relationship, however i think the mm also gets addicted, even if it is only to balance his insecurities within his marriage or within hisself.
Cwazydude Posted July 4, 2005 Posted July 4, 2005 And....? I understand that you have now come to new terms with this whole affair and have learned quite a few things about it. But, What are you going to do now? In light of everything you now seem to understand, what's your plan?
Author newbby Posted July 4, 2005 Author Posted July 4, 2005 i was actually replying to another thread titled is the mm just out for sex or something, but the thread was locked for some reason but what i am going to do now, is sort myself out, do lots of work on myself so that i am no longer so scared of commitment or accept that i am, and sort myself out so that i am totally content with not being in a relationship i am slowly embarking on another relationship, however i know to leave a long time between dates and to work on myself alot between dates the mm no longer has any hold over me and i have analysed and worked out the reasons why igot involved and stayed hooked i have come to terms with the fact that he lied to me, i wouldnt say i completely understand it, but then again i dont need to understand his reasons, only need to understand myself as for advice to others in this situation that is more difficult, because i think its an individual process. i can say though, that it feels like love, but theres so many psychological hooks in this relationship i think the first step s to forgive oneself and the reason i say this is because when you become the ow a part of you wants to believe that it wasnt for nothing, you didnt compromise yourself for nothing. the trouble is that mostly you did, mostly all of the mistakes were for nothing in terms of what you get from the relationship, however you have the ability to make it something. realising the reasons why i was in such a place to get involved in this relationship and that it would be inpossible to carry on in life without working on myself has been extremely beneficial to me, it was something that i worked on throughout the relationship too, as i knew that i was involved in an extremely unhealthy situation. now the guy i am currently dating, i know he is a nice genuine guy, he is also independent so i dont feel that he will be needy of me, it took this relationship to realise that i needed somebody who had a full life of their own, however having a wife and family is a little bit extreme!!! i hope this all makes sense i am tired and in a hurry
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