Author ShyLove Posted August 22, 2016 Author Posted August 22, 2016 Self respect and choosing to have sex early are far from mutually exclusive. If I'm understanding correctly.....Sure in some cases. But you'd prob be surprised how many times the "choosing to have sex" early on sn't really about just simply having sex to enjoy it. Even with older women.
Author ShyLove Posted August 23, 2016 Author Posted August 23, 2016 Hey ShyLove... can you clarify what you mean by "give it up so quick'? By choosing to have sex sooner rather than later...what am I 'giving up' exactly? I'm not understanding. My ex and I had sex with first night we met... for one reason and one reason only. We were wildly passionately attracted to each other. We were together SIX YEARS after that night. I wasn't looking for validation, nor was he. And I am about as far from a stage 5 clinger as one can get. I don't like this "shaming" women for choosing to "give it up quick." I don't even know what that means quite frankly. Women (and men) should have sex whenever they feel like it...whether that be the night they meet or months later. Period, end of. I actually agree with this, do whatever you/we want. I'm just saying often times there's more to it than just enjoying sex. Lots of women are seeking something else from it. Of course not ALL women, but many are.
katiegrl Posted August 23, 2016 Posted August 23, 2016 I actually agree with this, do whatever you/we want. I'm just saying often times there's more to it than just enjoying sex. Lots of women are seeking something else from it. Of course not ALL women, but many are. Okay fair enough...
SwordofFlame Posted August 23, 2016 Posted August 23, 2016 I actually agree with this, do whatever you/we want. I'm just saying often times there's more to it than just enjoying sex. Lots of women are seeking something else from it. Of course not ALL women, but many are. Eh I think I'll take my chances. I haven't been burned so far when I have. However, I have been the chump to pay for all 6-8 initial dates only for her to not be interested afterwards. 2
Sunkissedpatio Posted August 23, 2016 Posted August 23, 2016 I actually agree with this, do whatever you/we want. I'm just saying often times there's more to it than just enjoying sex. Lots of women are seeking something else from it. Of course not ALL women, but many are. My "soul sister" I agree with this. I have a friend that had a one night stand with a coworker of mine we all worked together but I worked directly with him, and at our staff party she was pumping me for information about him," is he single what's he like...?" All things lined up in her fave, after a few drinks she said to me "he's mine tonight" I loved how forward she was about it. I did advise her to take is easy because: work! Sure enough, they went home together that night. 10 years later they have been married for 8 years with two beautiful children. So indeed do what agrees with you and what you can handle. On the other hand I have two g/fs in particular who claim "but I'm horny, I need to have sex right away" and then when the guys pull a disappearing act they become obsessed with trying to figure out what happened and how to get him back. So which is it? You need the casual sex or you are offering sex right away with the hopes of more and realize you cannot bait a man with sex who has no interest beyond that? Are you cool with casual hookups or not? I support living a moment and doing things organically as they feel right but some women do have sex early on thinking they can trap a man, which is no better than playing hard to get for arbitrary reasons. Having said all that, if a man really does bail only after a few dates because a woman wont sleep with her he is only mildly interested or simply is looking to get laid. There is no way a man will walk away when you show interest just because you won't sleep with them right away.
Author ShyLove Posted August 23, 2016 Author Posted August 23, 2016 Eh I think I'll take my chances. I haven't been burned so far when I have. However, I have been the chump to pay for all 6-8 initial dates only for her to not be interested afterwards. Yea l think we should go with whatever has been working! However, ..we are on here for advice so maybe some of us should switch up our approaches (including myself lol) ...but I and many other women have went on to have sex thinking it meant something only to have it end up going south immediately after. So sounds like we are just fighting different battles :/
LookAtThisPOst Posted August 23, 2016 Posted August 23, 2016 On the other hand I have two g/fs in particular who claim "but I'm horny, I need to have sex right away" and then when the guys pull a disappearing act they become obsessed with trying to figure out what happened and how to get him back. I think a lot of women pretty much get attached after sex even after claiming they wanted casual sex. It's in their nature, unless they've been so emotionally bankrupt that they can desensitize themselves, where as men...a lot can spread their seed without getting attached. 1
J21 Posted August 23, 2016 Posted August 23, 2016 (edited) See this is what I don't get...what exactly happens to a guy if he is "caught flat footed" or doesn't have another woman lined up and one of his many other balls in the air drops? Does he turn into troll, or a ken barbie doll with a plastic crotch? What is the major curse a man must endure for having one date fail and not having a backup date lined up? It just seems so ridiculous that a guy MUST have a back-up lined up in case one of the women he dates fails on the premise that women get more opportunities than men. It's not a competition... Sounds kind of desperate to me. Well my friend is established in his career and has his life together. Finding a steady relationship is something he wants. I don't understand why you are saying it's ridiculous to have a back up. The guy wants to date someone long term and have a significant other while actively doing something about it. Don't knock someone for trying to find a girl friend and not putting all his eggs in one basket. Geez. Your comment is equivalent to making fun of a fat person at the gym because he is trying to lose weight. Edited August 23, 2016 by J21
katiegrl Posted August 23, 2016 Posted August 23, 2016 (edited) Girls can get dates easier than guys. This puts the guy in a position where it's not a good idea to put all his eggs in one basket. Unless you clarified something, it's assumed girls get messaged everyday and "exploring other options" as well. If things go south with you, they'd rather have something lined up than be caught flat footed. The conundrum of online dating. I date one at a time, once I meet them, I know they are a good fit to continue or not. I don't have the emotional capacity to string along multiple girls nor do I wish to burn the candle on both ends. Your first and second paragraphs are interesting... When a guy is dating one woman, whom he presumably is attracted to and cares about, having sex with and building a RL, how does he go about "maintaining" this thing he's got going with a woman (women?) on the backburner? Does he continue to text, email, call the backburner girl in case things don't work out with the current girl? Does the backburner girl know she's his second option? Or does he say nothing and let her think whatever she wants? Misleading her to think that he's either too *busy* or *not ready* for a RL? All the while...building a RL with the current girl? Can you clarify? I can understand multi-dating, having many options and rotating several while searching for the one you (a man) wish to become exclusive with. But once exclusive.... having a "backburner" girl in case things don't work out with exclusive girl seems terribly misleading and disingenuous not to mention rather unfair and self-serving. Again, can you clarify as surely I must be missing something.... Edited August 23, 2016 by katiegrl 1
NewLeaf512 Posted August 24, 2016 Posted August 24, 2016 My current approach has led to better results. I keep early dates cheap and drop women who don't contribute. By dating multiple women, I'm less inclined to "put up" with one who isn't pulling her weight or reciprocating interest, no matter how great of a connection I feel. Just wondering (I've been out of dating for a long time) why not just go Dutch? Or is that not done anymore? Also your multiple dating strategy as outlined above: How long have you been doing it? What is your success metric ? A GF? Getting laid? A serious relationship? To measure the efficacy of the strategy the outcome you want should be defined. Whatever your preferred outcome, if it's been more than 3 months without achieving it, do you deem it unsuccessful and re-strategise ?
Shining One Posted August 24, 2016 Posted August 24, 2016 Just wondering (I've been out of dating for a long time) why not just go Dutch? Or is that not done anymore?I've found that even women who believe in equality generally frown upon going Dutch.How long have you been doing it?I haven't used it in a while due to being in a committed relationship, but I would estimate around 2 years before that.What is your success metric ? A GF? Getting laid? A serious relationship?An exclusive relationship that includes sex.Whatever your preferred outcome, if it's been more than 3 months without achieving it, do you deem it unsuccessful and re-strategise ?I did tweak my process quite a few times, probably more often than every three months. While I didn't achieve my goal very quickly, I did find myself "hating" the search less and even enjoying it. I had a lot more sex and was no longer frustrated for throwing time and money away on women who had no interest.
Sunkissedpatio Posted August 24, 2016 Posted August 24, 2016 I don't understand why you are saying it's ridiculous to have a back up. The guy wants to date someone long term and have a significant other while actively doing something about it. Don't knock someone for trying to find a girl friend and not putting all his eggs in one basket. Geez. Your comment is equivalent to making fun of a fat person at the gym because he is trying to lose weight. No? You don't understand what is blatantly wrong with that picture? I'm all for being proactive in finding love, I am also all for advancing your career and being ambitious, where it gets really murky for me is you don't need to get to the top by using people's heads as a stepping stones. Lying to one person he is growing serious about while he dismisses and uses others he clearly has mild interest in and only keeps around for a rainy day, is not my idea of a healthy road to finding love. :laugh:That last example: You make it sound like your friend is some kind of martyr who HAS to do what he is doing because he hasn't had a "proper meal" in ages. A person trying to lose weight is at the gym beating themselves up for the good of a positive personal outcome. Your friend is beating others up for the good of his personal outcome. Same difference to you? Gimme a break. 1
chadbrocool Posted August 24, 2016 Posted August 24, 2016 Your first and second paragraphs are interesting... When a guy is dating one woman, whom he presumably is attracted to and cares about, having sex with and building a RL, how does he go about "maintaining" this thing he's got going with a woman (women?) on the backburner? Simple... We commit to the girl we like. Let's be realistic. 99% of guys are not going to be in a relationship with 99% of the girls on dating sites. Read the forums about them, read the complaints about them. Always the same story: We talked a while and she disappeared. We went on a date, she said she had a great time, but stopped answering my texts/calls. Tell us, wtf do we have to gain by shutting out the possibility of every other girl when the norm is that a second date with any girl on these sites doesn't have very good odds in our favor. Stuff like this comes up once in a while and everyone is quick to attack the guys. Here's an idea: Don't like the idea of guys talking to other girls on the side while they start dating you, then go on a few dates before you decide you're not interested. When you're not interested, say so. Don't agree to dates you have absolutely zero intention of going on. Stop treating guys like an expendable commodity, and maybe more guys will stop having other girls that they're talking to when they start dating you. Basically, blame your fellow women for this. Guys got tired of girls constantly finding something better, so now we find more options.
Sunkissedpatio Posted August 24, 2016 Posted August 24, 2016 Stuff like this comes up once in a while and everyone is quick to attack the guys. Here's an idea: Don't like the idea of guys talking to other girls on the side while they start dating you, then go on a few dates before you decide you're not interested. When you're not interested, say so. Don't agree to dates you have absolutely zero intention of going on. Stop treating guys like an expendable commodity, and maybe more guys will stop having other girls that they're talking to when they start dating you. But that's not what we are saying. We are not saying don't set up dates with more than one women online. DO THAT! What we don't get is if you start to date someone regularly and the attraction is clearly growing, the woman is showing continual interest and you are clearly interested, what is the point of having a bunch of backups that you are also going out with and detracting from all involved? Then the woman you have been spending the most time with keeps seeing that you are online trolling for more women (some sites you don't even have log in to see that they are online) and you end up losing the good one because she thinks exactly what the OP is thinking here. She is confused, she is feeling like she is wasting her time with the guy and is wondering what is the point of his big romantic gestures if he is also busy trying to set up more "back-ups?" I guess some guys will just keep chasing and upgrading and are never satisfied. 1
Shining One Posted August 24, 2016 Posted August 24, 2016 What we don't get is if you start to date someone regularly and the attraction is clearly growing, the woman is showing continual interest and you are clearly interested, what is the point of having a bunch of backups that you are also going out with and detracting from all involved?Speaking for myself, the "backups" are there until the relationship with one woman has progressed to a certain point. Once we've had sex and become exclusive, I stop seeing/talking to other women. With that being said, I can't speak for the men who keep backups in place when they have a committed, sexual relationship.
chadbrocool Posted August 24, 2016 Posted August 24, 2016 Speaking for myself, the "backups" are there until the relationship with one woman has progressed to a certain point. Once we've had sex and become exclusive, I stop seeing/talking to other women. With that being said, I can't speak for the men who keep backups in place when they have a committed, sexual relationship. Basically this. When I can honestly say she is my girlfriend, and BOTH of us are committed to each other, then I stop talking to anyone else. It has to go both ways. I'm not going to commit to someone who isn't going to commit to me. Interest is nothing. I'm interested in girls but decided I don't want to date them. I've known girls that were interested in me, but had reasons to not want to date me. If you want a guy to commit to you, you have to commit to the guy. You wouldn't be dating us if you're not interested. I don't want someone interested in something serious, I want someone BEING part of something serious. 1
SwordofFlame Posted August 24, 2016 Posted August 24, 2016 Just wondering (I've been out of dating for a long time) why not just go Dutch? Or is that not done anymore? Also your multiple dating strategy as outlined above: How long have you been doing it? What is your success metric ? A GF? Getting laid? A serious relationship? To measure the efficacy of the strategy the outcome you want should be defined. Whatever your preferred outcome, if it's been more than 3 months without achieving it, do you deem it unsuccessful and re-strategise ? The idea of going Dutch on dates and alternating who initiates dates early on is not something that I'm opposed to. It's pretty much the "friends first" approach to dating. The way I see it, if you're only "friends" at first, I'm going to still multi-date. I only agree to do this if we go Dutch each time and alternate who initiates the "dates" or "hang outs". Whatever you want to call it. There aren't many women that will agree to do this though. I drop any other options when we've had sex or its very obvious that we're going to have sex pretty soon. My primary success metric is a serious relationship with regular sex included. My secondary success metric is just getting laid. (Yes I'll admit it.)
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