Gr8fuln2020 Posted August 22, 2016 Posted August 22, 2016 For the most part, we still live in a very traditional world when it comes to dating. Women are still expected (expecting) to wait for the man to ask. Women get tons more emails than men do. Especially the premium attractive and professional woman. SO, guys have to COMPETE in some way to get to them before the other scores of suitors do. The likelihood is that SHE will find someone in the heap of men she finds more appealing than you do, so having someone on the side is important.
LookAtThisPOst Posted August 22, 2016 Posted August 22, 2016 Hello, I just have a general question (more so for the guys, I guess) about OLD. I have been doing it off and on for about a year or so and have been very reluctant to try it for this reason... I meet guys, go on dates with them (usually more than one), they go on and on about how much fun they had, schedule future dates and continue to text me throughout the days. While doing and saying all this, they still go online searching for new dates. Now I guess I get it in a sense because it is only a handful of dates but they way I see it is.. why would you still go online searching for other dates if you are going out of your way to call a girl after your dates and talk for 2 hours about how much fun you had and how much you have in common (current guy and a few others in the past) or like a girl enough to send her flowers at work on more than one occasion (different guy) ?? I know they are searching for dates bc they reword their profiles or upload new pics. I also know bc some just flat out stop contacting me even though our last conversation was extremely pleasant, some with future possible plans. The only plausible explanation is that they found a shiny new toy to play with lol It is just so odd to me. I guess my question is...guys if you do this does this mean you are not into the girl as much as you are telling her? And should I just automatically write them off if they are doing this? (because I feel like they are lying to me flat out). I'm such a lowkey, anti dramatic girl (which they often compliment me on) and I appreciate honesty, which I let them know. So why go out of your way to go on and on about our "connection" if there wasn't one in the first place? Thanks for your help!! If you see them online, sometimes they are signed off but not necessarily "Online" I've seen some women explain themselves in their profile about this. "If you see me online, it may not always mean I'm online"...like they sign off without logging off (ie closing the browser) Although, I recall one woman tell me she had a date scheduled from POF, was all dolled up ready to go, even got a manicure then got a text from the guy cancelling at the last minute. When she got home, she saw him signed online right after. LOL So, it CAN happen...they get addicted to the bigger better deal or the "kid in the candy store' mentality. "Oh, I found something better, 2 seconds later...OH, something even BETTER!" wash-rinse-repeat!
Erik30 Posted August 22, 2016 Posted August 22, 2016 See this is what I don't get...what exactly happens to a guy if he is "caught flat footed" or doesn't have another woman lined up and one of his many other balls in the air drops? Does he turn into troll, or a ken barbie doll with a plastic crotch? What is the major curse a man must endure for having one date fail and not having a backup date lined up? It just seems so ridiculous that a guy MUST have a back-up lined up in case one of the women he dates fails on the premise that women get more opportunities than men. It's not a competition... Sounds kind of desperate to me. For some guys it's not that easy to get dates. I think you're underestimating that. It can take weeks or in some cases even months to find someone new if you stick to dating just one girl at a time
LookAtThisPOst Posted August 22, 2016 Posted August 22, 2016 It just seems so ridiculous that a guy MUST have a back-up lined up in case one of the women he dates fails on the premise that women get more opportunities than men. It's not a competition... With OLD, this is MORE the reason to have a back-up, due to the flaky nature of women online, so it would behoove a man to do so. For some guys it's not that easy to get dates. I think you're underestimating that. It can take weeks or in some cases even months to find someone new if you stick to dating just one girl at a time Also, good point, it probably takes me a half a year to even score a date with a woman online, so I don't have them lined up every week.
Sunkissedpatio Posted August 22, 2016 Posted August 22, 2016 Guys!! I'm not talking about setting up several dates on OLD I'm talking once you meet women go out on all these dates with them find out where they work like in the OP and send her flowers as you are dating other women and setting up other dates with more women. What is the point of that? The OP is expressing interest in her date he is expressing the same and doing romantic gestures of someone who wants to invest but then turns around and is back on OLD trolling for more? I'm sorry but men/people who do that have an addiction and or are chasing unicorns. At some point you are going to have to take the risk and focus on one person at a time. It's futile to have so many in the mix that's why you end up with nothing in the end. Real life doesn't work that way you don't start dating a woman and because you see a hotter woman pass you by on your way to work you drop everything and try to get her number instead. Why do people think it's any different online. It's a disservice to yourself to be so flaky. 1
Larryville Posted August 22, 2016 Posted August 22, 2016 Women get tons more emails than men do. Especially the premium attractive and professional woman. SO, guys have to COMPETE in some way to get to them before the other scores of suitors do. The likelihood is that SHE will find someone in the heap of men she finds more appealing than you do, so having someone on the side is important. they get addicted to the bigger better deal or the "kid in the candy store' mentality. "Oh, I found something better, 2 seconds later...OH, something even BETTER!" wash-rinse-repeat! don't take it personal. On OLD it's like a catalog. With so much to choose from and our self-indulgent, quick gratification society, some people are never gonna be satisfied and think they need to keep their options open It just seems so ridiculous that a guy MUST have a back-up lined up in case one of the women he dates fails on the premise that women get more opportunities than men. It's not a competition... With OLD, this is MORE the reason to have a back-up, due to the flaky nature of women online About 7-10 yrs ago online dating was really good. I’m coming late to the party on this, above quotes hit home with me, NOT A COMPETATION!? Of course it is. More so because the most marginal of women can get attention because if guys keep fishing in a dry hole (regardless of website used) they will start going after the less desirable. Homely guys are “SOL” When a marginal looking woman get some attention she gets entitled… "kid in the candy store' mentality.” Why this is important… don't take it personal. On OLD it's like a catalog. I figured out recently that most of my problems have been the longer I have been online dating the less tolerant I got, I’ve become distant, less patient, assuming all women were flaky… but unfortunately more and more proving me correct. Last 60 days two women just flat disappeared… I mean without a trace, for no reason, no conflict or issues... HOWEVER the tone of those early conversations gave me hints to flaking in the future. I know some women will disagree but in my age range (40 – 60) 80-90 percent ARE NOT looking for any substantive relationship, only a companion or buddy. I started dating someone recently (last 10 days or so) who made it absolutely clear what she wanted and said clearly that she wanted me. Our current situations and circumstances mesh well, I’m not contending with someone’s kids, family, friends, career, past, exes ect. To find this individual I had to change my… remember this old business term “Paradigm” Will it work long term? I don't know but I’m going to work like hell to make it work. I’m so freaking tired of OLD and discussions like this… just makes you clinically insane processing it all and the humans involved.
salparadise Posted August 22, 2016 Posted August 22, 2016 It just seems so ridiculous that a guy MUST have a back-up lined up in case one of the women he dates fails on the premise that women get more opportunities than men. It's not a competition... Sounds kind of desperate to me. In a sense, online dating sites are great equalizers. Women seem to have some interesting expectations... like once a guy takes her out and expresses interest that she will be the single object of his desire... that he will pursue her (and only her) relentlessly while she plays coy and dates others to decide which one is worthy of her considerable charms. After all, that's the way it worked in fairy tales and the victorian era, right? But realistically, why would a guy do that when there are many options and she hasn't expressed specific interest in the guy... and is still online as well? The guys are playing it the same way... developing multiple options and waiting to see which one(s) work out. I don't think guys are doing it wrong... it's that women are used to being in the catbird seat, but OLD makes it more competitive by giving guys more options as well. Too many options makes it difficult to make a choice and stick with it. Check out this TED talk on The Paradox of Choice by Barry Schwartz. 4
Sunkissedpatio Posted August 22, 2016 Posted August 22, 2016 I think everyone is doing it wrong. And I also think OLD breeds attention deficit hyperactivity.
SwordofFlame Posted August 22, 2016 Posted August 22, 2016 Sounds kind of desperate to me. It's funny you mention this because if the guy is only seeing one woman and has only one option, he's likely to be even more desperate. Keeping your options open makes the man more confident because he knows that if it doesn't work out with Girl A, he can just focus on girl B. I don't advocate "multi-dating" for months. Perhaps for about 5 or so dates and don't try to date more than two or three (at the max) women at the same time. 1
Sunkissedpatio Posted August 22, 2016 Posted August 22, 2016 So for the guys the push for early intimacy you can see why some women may be opposed to that and want to hold off right? I don't want to sleep with a guy and the 5 other women he is sleeping with, thank you very much.
Larryville Posted August 22, 2016 Posted August 22, 2016 Check out this TED talk on The Paradox of Choice by Barry Schwartz. I saw this some time ago, excellent example of what we ALL are up against.
Shining One Posted August 22, 2016 Posted August 22, 2016 The OP is expressing interest in her date he is expressing the same and doing romantic gestures of someone who wants to invest but then turns around and is back on OLD trolling for more?How exactly is she expressing interest? We know the guys in question are sending flowers and making romantic gestures. The OP hasn't indicated how she is expressing interest. Perhaps the men in question stop looking once they meet a woman who expresses interest in the ways they are looking for.
Shining One Posted August 22, 2016 Posted August 22, 2016 So for the guys the push for early intimacy you can see why some women may be opposed to that and want to hold off right?I can certainly understand it. Speaking for myself, I push for intimacy because I want confirmation of sexual interest. I learned long ago to never trust a woman's promise of future sex, so sex is the only way to confirm sexual interest. 2
Sunkissedpatio Posted August 22, 2016 Posted August 22, 2016 How exactly is she expressing interest? We know the guys in question are sending flowers and making romantic gestures. The OP hasn't indicated how she is expressing interest. Perhaps the men in question stop looking once they meet a woman who expresses interest in the ways they are looking for. There are many ways a girl expresses interest that isn't just with sex. Touching, passionate kissing, "texts just because" being generally available when he asks her on a date, being happy around him, telling him she is liking / enjoying time with him, flirting, flirty texts ...on and on the list goes. Can't speak for the OP as she has not explained how. I can certainly understand it. Speaking for myself, I push for intimacy because I want confirmation of sexual interest. I learned long ago to never trust a woman's promise of future sex, so sex is the only way to confirm sexual interest. And this where we are all using OLD dating wrong and to our own detriment, you need sex as the ultimate show of interest we need exclusivity as the ultimate show of interest and this is where dating becomes gridlocked and people desperately start jumping ship to the next. It's stupid and counter intuitive. 1
Shining One Posted August 22, 2016 Posted August 22, 2016 There are many ways a girl expresses interest that isn't just with sex. Touching, passionate kissing, "texts just because" being generally available when he asks her on a date, being happy around him, telling him she is liking / enjoying time with him, flirting, flirty texts ...on and on the list goes.If these are not the signs of interest the specific man is looking for, then why should he stop looking? It makes sense to keep looking until you find someone who is interested in providing what you're looking for.And this where we are all using OLD dating wrong and to our own detriment, you need sex as the ultimate show of interest we need exclusivity as the ultimate show of interest and this is where dating becomes gridlocked and people desperately start jumping ship to the next.I can't speak for all, but I'm willing to compromise: Sex and exclusivity at the same time.
Sunkissedpatio Posted August 22, 2016 Posted August 22, 2016 If these are not the signs of interest the specific man is looking for, then why should he stop looking? It makes sense to keep looking until you find someone who is interested in providing what you're looking for.I can't speak for all, but I'm willing to compromise: Sex and exclusivity at the same time. Ya ok none of those examples fit the bill because we already know what the only sign of interest some guys find acceptable: SEX That's bullsht. There are many signs both parties can show each to convey interest that does not involve sex on a third date. Guys who need to close the deal on a third second fourth WHATEVER date # before she is ready are interested in the woman as a whole they are only looking to satisfy an urge.
Shining One Posted August 22, 2016 Posted August 22, 2016 Guys who need to close the deal on a third second fourth WHATEVER date # before she is ready are interested in the woman as a whole they are only looking to satisfy an urge.This is an assumption. If I'm just looking to satisfy an urge, I will call up a FWB or pick up a ONS. When I'm dating someone, I see relationship potential in them. Yes, I go for sex early to confirm sexual interest so I don't keep spending time, money, and emotions on a woman who isn't sexually interested in me. If there was some other to confirm guaranteed sexual interest, I would consider it.
Sunkissedpatio Posted August 22, 2016 Posted August 22, 2016 Just like dismissing a woman who won't sleep with you early on is a sign of lack of interest is an assumption. And here we are perpetually on OLD upgrading and getting distracted by the next shiny ball like a bunch of kittens. Personally, I have NO time for such foolishness OLD is a waste of time and energy.
Shining One Posted August 22, 2016 Posted August 22, 2016 And here we are perpetually on OLD upgrading and getting distracted by the next shiny ball like a bunch of kittens.I've been off OLD for over two years now. I met a woman on Match who had the things I was looking for and we've been exclusive for two years now. I saw no need to keep looking after a few dates with her. 1
Sunkissedpatio Posted August 22, 2016 Posted August 22, 2016 I've been off OLD for over two years now. I met a woman on Match who had the things I was looking for and we've been exclusive for two years now. I saw no need to keep looking after a few dates with her. Awww that's awesome!
salparadise Posted August 22, 2016 Posted August 22, 2016 (edited) Just like dismissing a woman who won't sleep with you early on is a sign of lack of interest is an assumption. And here we are perpetually on OLD upgrading and getting distracted by the next shiny ball like a bunch of kittens. Personally, I have NO time for such foolishness OLD is a waste of time and energy. My girlfriend closed her profile after our third date. She didn't even mention it to me! I closed mine upon seeing that she had closed her's. That led to sex I'm kidding, but it all happened around the same time because we both felt affirmed and we wanted it to progress. I didn't need to push or pressure her for sex. She wasn't withholding to leverage a relationship, or as any sort of test... we just felt like we were ready and it happened without any discussion of exclusivity or relationship. However, we have been exclusive and in a relationship since then. 1st anniversary in two weeks. We do kid each other about it sometimes... she says she should've made me wait longer... I tell her that I think she was hornier that I was. All in jest of course. One other observation about OP - the reason she knew he was still online is because she was still online. This is like playing . Somebody has to make the first move, and in response the other either defects or cooperates. Afterward each party mirrors the other's previous move. So basically if he asks her out, shows interest, sends flowers etc., then he should expect her next move to be cooperative. If it's not, then why would it be beneficial for him to cooperate without any indication of cooperation on her behalf? In other words, ladies, you need to reciprocate some positive signals early if you want a guy to stay in the game. And this social stuff is a lot more aligned with game theory than you may have contemplated. Edited August 22, 2016 by salparadise
Author ShyLove Posted August 22, 2016 Author Posted August 22, 2016 Haha sunkissedpatio you are my soul sister. You answered everything exactly as I would have!!! And as far as the guys pushing for sex early on, to a woman with self esteem that's such a turn off. How would you feel if we pushed for marriage 3 dates in?...annoying right? Usually women that give it up so quick are looking for validation from you, which turns out to be trouble for you in the end Bc they end up being crazy and/or stage 5 clingers. Or the other story I hear a lot is that they are trying to get over an ex. I had a few male friends verify this plus I work in a psychologists office and we see this a ton. What's funny is a lot of the time, the more attractive the girl the lower the self esteem and the "crazier" she is. I would rather have a girl that respects herself and is comfortable enough to know she's worth it and needs to be treated accordingly. If you don't want to spend money ask to go Dutch , or don't date if it's that big of an issue. But if it's working for you I guess no need to think differently about it lol I was just bringing another perspective (one that we see over and over in our practice) to the table.
SwordofFlame Posted August 22, 2016 Posted August 22, 2016 And as far as the guys pushing for sex early on, to a woman with self esteem that's such a turn off. How would you feel if we pushed for marriage 3 dates in?...annoying right? I would rather have a girl that respects herself and is comfortable enough to know she's worth it and needs to be treated accordingly. If you don't want to spend money ask to go Dutch , or don't date if it's that big of an issue. But if it's working for you I guess no need to think differently about it lol I was just bringing another perspective (one that we see over and over in our practice) to the table. Your approach seems to be a bit one-sided. But like you said, if it works for you, than by all means continue. 1
Shining One Posted August 22, 2016 Posted August 22, 2016 I would rather have a girl that respects herself and is comfortable enough to know she's worth it and needs to be treated accordingly.Self respect and choosing to have sex early are far from mutually exclusive. 1
katiegrl Posted August 22, 2016 Posted August 22, 2016 Usually women that give it up so quick are looking for validation from you, which turns out to be trouble for you in the end Bc they end up being crazy and/or stage 5 clingers. Or the other story I hear a lot is that they are trying to get over an ex. Hey ShyLove... can you clarify what you mean by "give it up so quick'? By choosing to have sex sooner rather than later...what am I 'giving up' exactly? I'm not understanding. My ex and I had sex with first night we met... for one reason and one reason only. We were wildly passionately attracted to each other. We were together SIX YEARS after that night. I wasn't looking for validation, nor was he. And I am about as far from a stage 5 clinger as one can get. I don't like this "shaming" women for choosing to "give it up quick." I don't even know what that means quite frankly. Women (and men) should have sex whenever they feel like it...whether that be the night they meet or months later. Period, end of. 1
Recommended Posts