Another Good Ol' Fashioned OLD Question...

[Sunkissedpatio]

I dont want to be a huge negative nancy about OLD though. I'm well aware of how tedious, pain staking, annoying, frustrating, and depressing it is...but I do feel that if we are patient and just hold onto some hope....meeting the right guy is possible. I've heard of lots of people who met their SO online...it happens...we need to remember that despite how hard it is...it might be well worth it

 

I've had a year from H*LL as far as OLD goes.....it was awful. 6/9/16 was one year to the day I broke up with my ex....and it was also the day I walked in on my new bf with another woman. I had 3 other short term relationships and lots of dates that didnt pan out. OLD did a number on me but I refuse to give up hope. I know we'll all find someone on OLD or IRL. It's just going to take time...but meanwhile we can all come on LS and b*tch about how terrible it is lol

 

You're absolutely right. In my case I am clearly not open to anyone so I will be extra critical so I shouldn't be on there at all. It was more out of curiosity to see what's happening in the world of OLD and it was appealing to me. But to fair it could just be because I am closed off in general to romance right now.

[Erik30]

Because it sucks having to start from ground zero every time it doesn't work out with a girl, I've been burned too many times that way. Usually it turned out the girl was also dating other guys, and picked someone else over me.

It also helps you with not getting too attached too quick.

[Dis]

You're absolutely right. In my case I am clearly not open to anyone so I will be extra critical so I shouldn't be on there at all. It was more out of curiosity to see what's happening in the world of OLD and it was appealing to me. But to fair it could just be because I am closed off in general to romance right now.

 

I hear ya. If you're not open to the process, its not going to go well for you. Having the wrong outlook makes OLD much worse than it needs to be...I've been there for sure. I remember when I took a break from it once. I took time to recharge my batteries and when I went back on, it seemed so much easier and I kind of had fun with it....alittle.

 

I'm in a similar place as you. I'm so scarred and hurt from my past relationships, theres no way I could date right now....so I'm not going to try until I heal

 

You might not want to calibrate your current experience with OLD with your future experience when you're in the right place. It might be like comparing oranges with apples

 

Its not the right time + I'm not in the right place = OLD failure

 

Theres a quote I live by when it comes to dating and love...

 

Everything comes to us that belongs to us if we create the capacity to receive it - Rabindranath Tagore

 

I truly believe that if we work on ourselves and are successful in being positive and hopeful...the right guy will come along

[Gr8fuln2020]

SO sad! That is such a great point Shylove. It becomes so difficult to tell the genuine guys from the creeps and sometimes the good ones end up paying the price.

 

YES, THANK YOU!!! I've had a few online encounters with communication and it is simply baffling. Great conversations, then, all of a sudden...[crickets]...

 

I had a woman say to me that it was weird for someone to ask if she had joint or sole custody of her children. What?! What is weird about that?

 

Anyway, less meeting up and a lot more fading out going on online dating. Sad.

[JDPT]

I think it just means that you are being open to other potential opportunities. Just because you go out with a girl on a date doesn't mean that you'll be happily ever after. If I had an online profile, I would continue on "searching" for other potential girls. I would make my intentions clear and allow things to happen organically between this potential candidate or not.

[SwordofFlame]

Nope Nope

 

I can not tell you the amount of times I have put all my effort into one girl for them to friendzone me after a few dates. So when I go back to message the girls I stopped talking to they all ignore me.

 

That's exactly the reason I keep searching when at the same time I could be dating someone simply because I have put all my eggs into one basket and have been burned for it to many times.

 

Now some of the comments could be right and these men could be players but I think it's important for you to state your intentions with them.

 

This is pretty much the reason why I'm still online after a few dates. In order for me to agree to be an exclusive relationship, we need to have sex first or I need to feel pretty confident that sex will be happening very soon.

[Sunkissedpatio]

This is pretty much the reason why I'm still online after a few dates. In order for me to agree to be an exclusive relationship, we need to have sex first or I need to feel pretty confident that sex will be happening very soon.

 

Yes god forbid people actually take a few weeks to get to know someone without having sex and they are cursed with an acute case of FOMO for all the other random lost souls back on the dating site that are waiting to meet you and dump you after one date.

 

That's a VERY good reason to rush to have sex with someone and to have 0 focus on one person at a time. The appeal of that "quality" you are missing out on is just so intoxicating.

[Shining One]

Yes god forbid people actually take a few weeks to get to know someone without having sex and they are cursed with an acute case of FOMO for all the other random lost souls back on the dating site that are waiting to meet you and dump you after one date.

 

That's a VERY good reason to rush to have sex with someone and to have 0 focus on one person at a time. The appeal of that "quality" you are missing out on is just so intoxicating.

Sex before exclusivity is just as valid as any other requirement before exclusivity. I'm betting you've never dated a man (primarily at your expense) for weeks/months only for him to tell you he had no sexual interest in you and that you should be friends.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Sex before exclusivity is just as valid as any other requirement before exclusivity. I'm betting you've never dated a man (primarily at your expense) for weeks/months only for him to tell you he had no sexual interest in you and that you should be friends.

 

I understand what you are saying in terms of dropping all that cash on someone who is lukewarm. I put my heart and my feelings into dating someone I am seeing for several dates, so yes I have dated men at my expense and taken the risk. Giving my heart to someone is as expensive as it gets as far as I am concerned. It should be for most people...

 

Now, if you are talking sex before exclusivity as collateral for the money you are dropping on dates then what sense does it make to drop even more money on a bunch of potentials that could also lead to nothing? Not even sex. It actually detracts from really getting to know one that could be a good match for you and foments a lot of this general confusion and general distraction and dissatisfaction that people feel when they should be concentrating on getting to know A person.

 

I dunnow, I never understood serial daters. Going out on one date with a bunch of people is one thing but date more than one person for a month or months seems counter intuitive to me or means you are dating people to kill time you aren't even all that interested in but are better than being alone, in which case you probably shouldn't be dating at all if you feel that pathetic being alone.

[Shining One]

I understand what you are saying in terms of dropping all that cash on someone who is lukewarm. I put my heart and my feelings into dating someone I am seeing for several dates, so yes I have dated men at my expense and taken the risk. Giving my heart to someone is as expensive as it gets as far as I am concerned. It should be for most people.

This isn't what I asked. Let's take the money out of the question since that's confusing the point. Have you ever dated a man for weeks/months and then had him tell you he has no sexual interest in you and that you should be friends?

Now, if you are talking sex before exclusivity as collateral for the money you are dropping on dates

Not my point at all.

[Sunkissedpatio]

This isn't what I asked. Let's take the money out of the question since that's confusing the point. Have you ever dated a man for weeks/months and then had him tell you he has no sexual interest in you and that you should be friends?Not my point at all.

 

Ok sorry I misunderstood. No I've not had a guy tell me after a few weeks of dating me "I don't have sexual interest in you" But I have had guys lose interest after a few dates if the sex advances were rejected even though I was encouraging them and being physical with them in other ways (kissing, flirty touching and clearly showing interest) So they were either thinking I wasn't sexually into them or they were only looking to get laid so no loss on my part anyway.

 

edit: meant to add or they just lost interest.^

 

Interested where you are going with this....

Edited August 22, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio

[Shining One]

Ok sorry I misunderstood. No I've not had a guy tell me after a few weeks of dating me "I don't have sexual interest in you" But I have had guys lose interest after a few dates if the sex advances were rejected even though I was encouraging them and being physical with them in other ways (kissing, flirty touching and clearly showing interest) So they were either thinking I wasn't sexually into them or they were only looking to get laid so no loss on my part anyway.

 

Interested where you are going with this....

My point is that this situation happens to men at a far greater rate than it happens to women. Thus, it is in a man's best interest to confirm sexual interest relatively early on before investing further (exclusivity).

[Sunkissedpatio]

My point is that this situation happens to men at a far greater rate than it happens to women. Thus, it is in a man's best interest to confirm sexual interest relatively early on before investing further (exclusivity).

 

Says who that it happens to men more? Just because a guy doesn't come out and say "I am not sexually interested in you" doesn't mean women don't get rejected out of left field too, the same or more. And even worse after they sleep with men.

 

So if it is not the money that is at a guy's expense I still don't understand how dating one woman at a time is "at your expense" Both people are investing the same resources potentially in getting to know a new person.

[Shining One]

Both people are investing the same resources potentially in getting to know a new person.

Two people dating non-exclusively are investing the same resources as well.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Two people dating non-exclusively are investing the same resources as well.

 

That's my point!

 

I'm betting you've never dated a man (primarily at your expense) for weeks/months only for him to tell you he had no sexual interest

 

So how does this equal "primarily at YOUR expense" why is dating a woman before sex ONLY at your expense? Can you please explain that?

[Shining One]

So how does this equal "primarily at YOUR expense" why is dating a woman before sex ONLY at your expense? Can you please explain that?

This was just me venting about money spent on women who had no sexual interest in me. I realized after I posted that it adds nothing to this discussion and potentially derails it, hence why I left it out of the following posts.

[Sunkissedpatio]

This was just me venting about money spent on women who had no sexual interest in me. I realized after I posted that it adds nothing to this discussion and potentially derails it, hence why I left it out of the following posts.

 

Hahah I'm so confused. That IS a valid point and that is why I introduced the money notion then by all means it is at the guy's expense. But you said leave money out it confuses things...

 

And why I said I understand what you mean.

 

But I could still argue that spending money on a bunch of "could-bes" while having someone that is clearly interested and you are reciprocating that interest is probably even more expensive than dedicating your time and energy and money on one good prospect and it just harbours an environment of more confusion and general FOMO. I'm not putting the onus on guys, women need to take accountability for that too.

[Shining One]

But I could still argue that spending money on a bunch of "could-bes" while having someone that is clearly interested and you are reciprocating that interest is probably even more expensive than dedicating your time and energy and money on one good prospect and it just harbours an environment of more confusion and general FOMO. I'm not putting the onus on guys, women need to take accountability for that too.

My current approach has led to better results. I keep early dates cheap and drop women who don't contribute. By dating multiple women, I'm less inclined to "put up" with one who isn't pulling her weight or reciprocating interest, no matter how great of a connection I feel.

[Sunkissedpatio]

My current approach has led to better results. I keep early dates cheap and drop women who don't contribute. By dating multiple women, I'm less inclined to "put up" with one who isn't pulling her weight or reciprocating interest, no matter how great of a connection I feel.

 

That makes sense!

 

So on the direct topic of the OP would you be sending one of those women flowers and making big romantic gestures while you are still trolling the dating site for new dates?

[Shining One]

So on the direct topic of the OP would you be sending one of those women flowers and making big romantic gestures while you are still trolling the dating site for new dates?

Certainly not. I only provide flowers and big romantic gestures after sex/exclusivity.

[J21]

Some of my friends do this.

 

Girls can get dates easier than guys. This puts the guy in a position where it's not a good idea to put all his eggs in one basket. Unless you clarified something, it's assumed girls get messaged everyday and "exploring other options" as well.

 

If things go south with you, they'd rather have something lined up than be caught flat footed. The conundrum of online dating.

 

I date one at a time, once I meet them, I know they are a good fit to continue or not. I don't have the emotional capacity to string along multiple girls nor do I wish to burn the candle on both ends.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Certainly not. I only provide flowers and big romantic gestures after sex/exclusivity.

 

Exactly. You seem pretty normal in how you date, or should I say you don't sound like one of those many OLD guys aimless chasing unicorns. You date smart.

 

So it isn't far fetched for the OP to wonder why the guys would do such things and still be online trolling for more dates...

[Sunkissedpatio]

 

If things go south with you, they'd rather have something lined up than be caught flat footed. The conundrum of online dating.

 

See this is what I don't get...what exactly happens to a guy if he is "caught flat footed" or doesn't have another woman lined up and one of his many other balls in the air drops? Does he turn into troll, or a ken barbie doll with a plastic crotch? What is the major curse a man must endure for having one date fail and not having a backup date lined up?

 

It just seems so ridiculous that a guy MUST have a back-up lined up in case one of the women he dates fails on the premise that women get more opportunities than men. It's not a competition...

 

Sounds kind of desperate to me.

[Gr8fuln2020]

See this is what I don't get...what exactly happens to a guy if he is "caught flat footed" or doesn't have another woman lined up and one of his many other balls in the air drops? Does he turn into troll, or a ken barbie doll with a plastic crotch? What is the major curse a man must endure for having one date fail and not having a backup date lined up?

 

It just seems so ridiculous that a guy MUST have a back-up lined up in case one of the women he dates fails on the premise that women get more opportunities than men. It's not a competition...

 

Sounds kind of desperate to me.

 

Ah, I would disagree. IT IS A COMPETITION!

[4x4storm]

See this is what I don't get...what exactly happens to a guy if he is "caught flat footed" or doesn't have another woman lined up and one of his many other balls in the air drops? Does he turn into troll, or a ken barbie doll with a plastic crotch? What is the major curse a man must endure for having one date fail and not having a backup date lined up?

 

It just seems so ridiculous that a guy MUST have a back-up lined up in case one of the women he dates fails on the premise that women get more opportunities than men. It's not a competition...

 

Sounds kind of desperate to me.

 

I think what you are missing is that it's the mans main priority to chase especially for those who haven't got stunning good looks on their side.

 

And the side the women don't see is constant rejection, so for me this past month I have been in contact with 6 women I felt I had good connections with. All of them agreed to a date but nothing ever eventuated they all ghosted and flaked a day just before our plans.

 

Do you have any idea what emotional toll that takes on a person? Sure women have to put up with creeps with OLD yet I have to put with feeling not wanted even though I have a lot to offer.

 

So when one girl bails on you (Happens about 80% of the time) it's a little less tolling on me knowing I have someone to fall back on.

 

And let me tell you talking to 6 girls this past month is very low numbers. In the previous months I could have been in contact with 30+ women at the same time for me to only ever meet one or two of them. They are some of the crazy numbers us men have to deal with.

Edited August 22, 2016 by 4x4storm