How to break up with someone

[JulioJulio2016]

So I'm sure there are threads about this topic already but I thought I would just post my situation and see what can of advice I get.

 

I've been dating an amazing, brilliant, and beautiful woman for almost 8 months. Things are not good and haven't been from the start. In the beginning of chalked it all up to getting to know each other as a couple (we've known each other for about four and a half years to date). She was pretty closed off, guarded, unaffectionate, and...well I dunno. It wasn't a relationship that I'm used to.

 

I'll start off with the good: my gf is brilliant, works incredibly hard, is an amazing mom, is kind, and is incredibly strong and independent. I've always admired all of that about her. The bad however is: she's cold and withdrawn often (most of the time), she rarely shows me affection, she initiated sex two times in 8 months, we have averaged sex once a week (when I'm used to sex like five times a week), we rarely have conversations about anything. We're both introverts, so it's awkward, but I can communicate openly and freely via text - that bugs a lot of people though, it just works well for me.

 

Things really started getting crappy about two months ago. Up until then it was kind of crappy. She has a lot of kids, and I have a lot of kids but they live out of town with their mom. So I had no issues meeting her kids and being around them. I love kids and love being around them. She's good with her kids, but as single mom she's mostly just getting things done. She made some efforts for us to connect though; she invited me to start staying over after about....two or three months of dating and I started staying over almost every day. But as that happened, I noticed she is very cold and withdrawn. She has a lot going on, yes, but she almost never shows me affection, she rarely asks me how my day was (maybe once a week), she rarely reaches out to me. I got to the point where I was feeling very lonely with her - I would be laying in bed with her and she would just go to sleep, no "Goodnight, have a good sleep" or goodnight kiss, unless I initiated it. That was always very strange for me. I'm used to being with and around affectionate and caring people. And it's so weird because she is a kind and warm person, but not in relationships. She's great to her kids and shows them lots of love and she works with kids at inner city schools and she loves them all so much and shows them lots of love, affection, kindness, caring, warmth. But not with me. I've raised this with her a number of times, that I need affection, I need affirmation, and sometimes I need to be comforted. All she's said is she doesn't know how to be that person.

 

So after months of dating someone, having sex once a week if I'm lucky, and feeling pushed away (she did try to push me away many times), I got exhausted emotionally. I grew tired of feeling alone despite being in bed with my gf, I grew tired of having no emotional connection despite trying everything; patience, calmness, asking for emotional intimacy. About a month ago I went through....my period of loss - losing my gf. I had tried everything and nothing seemed to work or matter. We hadn't been seeing each other a lot because she works a lot of nights (she works two jobs), but I made efforts to take her out whenever we both had time, I would go and stay with her so we could at least see each other at night and in the morning. I even stayed home with her for two days when she was sick with an awful migraine and I looked after her. Then about a week and a half ago she hits me with a big long text (which is unusual for her) telling me that I'm not trying hard enough, she's not happy, and she deserves more. She said that I can't just stop working at it because I have the girl. I thought "well you have got to be ****ing kidding me." I just replied and said I am not happy either, I'm starved for affection and we have no emotional intimacy. Then I suggested we take a break for a week since she was working night again and I was going to be out of town for business any how.

 

Well, the break was nice for me. It was somewhat hard for me at first, because again I had this feeling of loss. I really care about her a lot and adore her. But I was so tired of having no connection with her despite trying like mad and trying everything I could think of. Well...like five days into the break she texts me out of the blue and tells me she misses me. Then she says she misses communicating with me, and I'm all these wonderful things; I'm handsome, and kind, and sweet, and caring, and good to her and her kids. So I felt good about that and she asked if I wanted to try and make it work, I was all like "Let's do it."

 

Well, we had a date night last week. And it was a really nice date: we went for a nice long walk along the river then out for a nice late supper. Well it was awkward from my perspective. She was trying to be affectionate: holding my hand, playing footsie with me at the restaurant. We're both introverts and there were a lot of long silences, which I don't normally have issues with. Like it was a nice date, but there was no connection. I decided before the date was over that I was just going to drop her off after supper then go home and spend time with my 19 year old daughter who lives with me.

 

I haven't seen my gf since the date, which was on Wednesday night. And I don't really miss her. I've felt alone with her so long that I am just used to being alone now. The lack of emotional intimacy we had forced me to get out of my shell, to reconnect with some old friends and family. I've been going out and doing things with other people and having fun and connecting with people (totally platonically). And I've decided there is no point in my gf and I being a couple any longer.

 

I plan to see her on Sunday or Monday (the only two nights she isn't working this week) and just end it. But I suck at ending it civilly. Most of my relationships have had ugly endings - big loud fights and drama. This is nothing like that. I'm just like "I'm good, it's time to move on." Basically I don't think there is any connection with us, I think she's brilliant, strong, amazing, and beautiful, but I don't feel any connection any more. She tried to push me away so many times I just got emotionally tired out and left my shell, and accepted a while ago that this wasn't working. Like I don't bear her any ill will, but I don't feel much for her any more. I admire her and care about her, but I am not crazy about her any more. I'm super attracted to her yeah, but I feel no emotional connection. I want to move on. I just don't know how to end it without confrontation. How to end it civilly and with respect and kindness. Do I do the "we need to talk" line? That's like a total flag that it's a break up discussion isn't it? Do I just arrange for me to meet me somewhere for "Coffee" and then bring it up right away?

 

so I'm looking for advice please.

[preraph]

You should just sit her down and say, "Look, I think we can both do better. We really care about each other but it seems to me it's just not gelling the way it would if we were a good match. Having a relationship should be fun. Maybe we'd be better as just friends. What do you think?"

[BlueIris]

Say it like you did, "I think you're great but I don't feel any emotional connection any more." There’s no avoiding hurt feelings but this is gentle and honest.

[SevenCity]

You should just sit her down and say, "Look, I think we can both do better. We really care about each other but it seems to me it's just not gelling the way it would if we were a good match. Having a relationship should be fun. Maybe we'd be better as just friends. What do you think?"

 

This sounds like a woman's method - leading the person on with "maybes" and "friends".

 

You want a clean break - don't do this.

 

Be a man and say "this RL is not working for me and I do not want to continue. We are not a good match". Done.

[smackie9]

Face to face in a public place, be straight forward....done.

[thecrucible]

The only thing I'd recommend is to be honest with her but not bluntly honest. You don't want to give her false hope and suggest you might be friends if you don't know whether this will happen. But don't say she is cold either. You will want to be fairly neutral as she will no doubt be playing over the conversation in her head later - the less personal things you can say while getting your point across, the better. If she asks for more detail, you could see you felt you had both lost 'the connection'. You could empathise that you have no hard feelings towards her.

[Gloria25]

I'd print out your post, put it in an envelope and mail it to her.

 

Talking is a waste of time and hopefully the candid truth will be a wake up call to her.

[basil67]

Be honest, kind but firm. Don't offer to be friends.

[LB2016]

I agree with Smackie. Make it simple but respectful.