What would you think if he said this to you??

[sunshine123]

My boyfriend and I moved into together and have had issues we have talked about and I thought were resolved. One was initiating sex. He said he hasn't cause he knows the "signs". Some evenings I just roll over cause he has been rude and very sarcastic and have no desire. He is having issues reguarding his work and is seeing a doctor for physical reasons. The other night I ask if we can shut the tv off and enjoy each others company. He said "my body's hurting too much" "why do you think I've gotten blood tests" "its me not you". I said ok. Then not 3 hours later he is watching porn downstairs, comes to bed and wants sex.

I'm confused and hurt. This happened a couple days ago and I've been trying to sit him down to discuss this and either I'm working or he is off doing something. So, I would like some constructive opinions, your thoughts?? Thanks

[Lei Ping]

My boyfriend and I moved into together and have had issues we have talked about and I thought were resolved. One was initiating sex. He said he hasn't cause he knows the "signs". Some evenings I just roll over cause he has been rude and very sarcastic and have no desire. He is having issues reguarding his work and is seeing a doctor for physical reasons. The other night I ask if we can shut the tv off and enjoy each others company. He said "my body's hurting too much" "why do you think I've gotten blood tests" "its me not you". I said ok. Then not 3 hours later he is watching porn downstairs, comes to bed and wants sex.

I'm confused and hurt. This happened a couple days ago and I've been trying to sit him down to discuss this and either I'm working or he is off doing something. So, I would like some constructive opinions, your thoughts?? Thanks

 

Offer to watch porn with him or even better, pop in a porn DVD in the bedroom when he retires. A real Woman will find a way to make a Man out of her Man.

 

Pretty soon you won't need the porn at all.

[sunshine123]

Well im not into porn so thats out.

[Gloria25]

Offer to watch porn with him or even better, pop in a porn DVD in the bedroom when he retires. A real Woman will find a way to make a Man out of her Man.

 

Pretty soon you won't need the porn at all.

 

Sorry, but this is "him" - not her.

 

You said he has medical issues? Maybe he has performance anxiety and/or the meds/treatment is affecting his ability to "get it up" and needs to get the porn to get him revved up.

 

But I feel like he's treating you like a blow-up doll with a pulse instead of his woman. I mean, ok, like even if he may be having issues getting horny and needs some porn - what is he doing for you? Is he doing things to turn you on? Is he cuddling?

 

He sounds like a selfish jerk, but trying to give him the benefit of a doubt cuz of his medical isssssuessss, maybe you two need to see a sex therapist and/or advise his doctor of the sexual issues he's having cuz of stress, etc.

 

Oh, just wondering...you had these issues before you moved in? Why do people think that putting another layer on a RL is going to resolve issues? Like some people get married, move in, have a child thinking that putting those layers on the RL is going to magically make red flags and issues disappear. Uh, red flags and issues are supposed to give you pause about advancing a RL - not to propel you advance them. BTW, moving in is not "progression" in a RL.

[preraph]

Maybe after your request, he felt he needed to have sex with you afterall and got ready by watching porn.

 

You need to talk to him about 1) that when he's a butt, you are not turned on nor are you willing to "service" him like a servant; and 2) ask him why after turning you down he watched porn and then came back in. Just ask. Don't be mad. he was probably doing it "for you" in his mind. He's a man....But do beware in case it was retaliation for you saying no sometimes. I wouldn't put up with that because it's childish. We aren't obligated to have sex, male or female, when we don't feel inspired or up to it.

[sunshine123]

Only issues before were he wanted me to initiate more which i have been. And i pointed out to him he could initiate more as well. He is very affectionate otherwise. His comment then his actions just have thrown me for a loop. Found it a total contradiction. Kind of a "jerk" thing to do. He doesn't handle stress well im finding too. Im mullin over now how to bring it up without him being defensive?? I guess ask what he really meant by what he said and later did. I dont think he knows i know he was watchin porn either.

[Shanex]

I am siding with the OP here too. I am wondering their age if its relevant...

 

He is not willing or find excuses not to talk about it.

He treats her poorly.. She is not his easy-prey every evening imo. Also turning to porn instead when she just mentioned its not her thing will cause further troubles...

 

Otoh, its plausible he use porn either to compensate or to get started and here I would suggest to let him enjoy it.. He has a right to do so if that helps him physically.. You know?

 

So its been a couple days since it happened. You arent breaking up yet. You are right to want to talk him about it.. Just hope he will be comprehensive and acknowledge that even healthy couple dont do it every evening due to various factors.

[sunshine123]

Hey thanks for feedback. Makes me feel a bit better. We are going on a road trip together tomorrow. So i will ask him about it then. Cheers

[preraph]

If he was hiding watching porn, then he might be so used to doing it to porn that he has trouble sometimes doing it with a real person and had to "get ready" and only used his body hurting as an excuse. Wanted to see if he could do it or not before committing. Anyway, open communication.

[Popsicle]

I think he felt guilty for turning you down and needed to watch porn to get himself in the mood. That was his way of trying to rectify the situation.

 

Oh, and if I were you, I'd tell him that I know he watches porn. He should be able to be turned on by you without the aid of porn. Unless age is a factor and he's losing his mojo naturally due to getting older.

[spiderowl]

When I read threads like this, I am glad I am not in a relationship with a jerk who cannot manage himself. It's such hard work dealing with people who only think of themselves.

[Gloria25]

Only issues before were he wanted me to initiate more which i have been. And i pointed out to him he could initiate more as well. He is very affectionate otherwise. His comment then his actions just have thrown me for a loop. Found it a total contradiction. Kind of a "jerk" thing to do. He doesn't handle stress well im finding too. Im mullin over now how to bring it up without him being defensive?? I guess ask what he really meant by what he said and later did. I dont think he knows i know he was watchin porn either.

 

Uh, dating is to figure out if you're a "match" if you want something serious (ie marriage)....otherwise you just want someone to keep you company.

 

This guy is already telling you who he is. So, maybe it's time to decide if you wanna stick around for more of it or ignore it if you don't see him as your husband one day. Well, even if you're just dating for companionship, is his attitude worth it?

[sunshine123]

He said his legs were hurting real bad and said he should have not been so abrupt in his answer. And like popsicle commented, he felt bad, had taken a couple pain killers and was watching a movie downstairs. I commented about he it sounded like porn and it was a movie with alot of sex scenes. He did ask if id watch porn with him on occasion would be great and if i didnt want too that was cool too.

So i guess the lesson for alot of us is " dont be so presumptuous" and maybe "think before we open our mouths"

Cheers

[sunshine123]

he said the new meds were causing issues and is having erectile problems and was too embarrassed to say it outright. I love him and said I understand and we will work through it together.

Cheers