Do you think that the mm is just lying to the OW just to get some sex only?

[9Lives]

In reading a very interesting thread here, it seems like there are many people who believe that the mm is so desperate for some sex that he risk everything for it....ie a marriage, family, a woman he loves, investments, etc.

 

My point is that I disagree with that group of people and I want to hear your views.

 

I believe that things change in relationship regardless of them being married or not. Living with someone and getting to know that person can change things. Yes that man loved that woman when he married her but as the investment grew the love did not. It happens. Maybe she has changed how she treats him. Maybe he has changed. Most people do not start out WANTING TO CHEAT...I said most not all.

 

The other woman is one the higher averaged, pursed by the mm. Yes he wants sex..no doubt. But that does not mean that is all he wants. He is selfish I will agree because deep down inside he wants it all. He wants love, love feelings, the investments, the lifestyle. The wife/husband is tied to it but it is not always alll there.

The ow/om is the out, the escape for that man....NOTE...THIS IS NOT FOR THAT GREEDY JOKER WHO JUST WANTS TO GET BUSY.

 

ALL I am saying is it is not the case all the time that the man or woman is looking for some tail. But the sex can be off the chain creating more bonding.

 

Everybody wants to be happy.

[shygurl]

Sorry but I think the OW is most often very naive to what's really going on.

 

A man who is truly unhappy in his marriage will end his marriage - divorces take place each and every single day. But the OW buy into the lies of "well, I can't leave now because of the children" or "it's hard to leave because she's crazy and I feel sorry for her."

 

MM have the absolute best of both worlds - the proverbial "having their cake and eating it too" - they love it and that's why so very very very few of them ever end their marriages and embark on new relationships the "right" way (meaning: as opposed to having affairs). They have the comforts of home, someone they share a history with, someone to come home to, wake up to, live out goals and dreams with, etc - but then on the other side of the coin, they have the excitement of a mistress - and with her, they just get all the fun stuff in life - the sex, the excitement, the feeling like a big stud because they're juggling 2 women who want them/love them, they don't have to contend with the mundane aspects of life (arguing about money, worrying about paying bills, dealing with the inlaws, struggles with raising the children, etc) - the true "day to day" life stuff. With the mistress, it's all superficial and fun and a nice diversion from the reality of life. And all they have to do is spin some tales to their mistress about how he loves her, wants a future with her one day, how she's his true "soulmate" and man, she's hooked faster than a trout. He gets the devotion and admiration of his mistress...wow, that's too cool - he's got a wife who loves him and adores him and he's got a mistress for the fun times who adores him. With the mistress, he doesn't have to have squabbles about going to the inlaws for Sunday dinner, having to deal with little Johnny's teacher, having to deal with the toilet that's backed up again - with her it's just fun times and sex and excitement and feeling like a big stud.

 

I feel sorry for all these OW out there who are so content to settle for the "crumbs" of a MM - that she obviously is willing to buy his BS and stories and lies and big dreams with her, that will likely never come to pass.

 

I feel sorry that she would even want to be with someone who has so clearly demonstrated that he's not a man of character or integrity, for if he truly was, he wouldn't be betraying the woman he committed his life and heart to - in marriage.

 

I feel sorry for the fact that the OW out there are willing to settle for less, they're willing to eat up the lies and tall tales, that they actually cling to the hope that their MM is going to create a future with them.

 

It's all very sad.

[9Lives]

It is not always the kids or she is crazy or the ow is naive. Some ow have been married before so they know what is it like on the other side of the fence. I will agree if he is that unhappy, he willl leave the marriage.

 

I still say that losing everything you have worked for is HARD for anyone to do. It has to be more than loving another person to just leave. It does not always mean "HE HAS HIS CAKE AND EATING IT TO"....It could be "IT IS CHEATER TO KEEP HER"

 

That coming home to someone...the same someone...who may really get on your damm nerves or whatever is not ALL THAT. THE MARRIED WOMAN is not all that in a lot of cases. He is not rushing home to HER. Not to say that the mw is not worth rushing home to. Not saying that. I am NOT saying that. But in most cases he is not running home to my wonderful wife.

 

There are some mm who actually love both of the woman in their lives and can take care of both of them. It happens. No you may not get the holidays but that dont mean you are not getting other things. The ow is not always the victim..She sometimes gets the best of him while the wife gets the normal stuff.

 

The man is not ALWAYS lying to the ow. He is being selfish for sure..Lying completely???I cont think so.

[moimeme]

Right. Denial - ain't just a river in Egypt.

[9Lives]

okay. Think what you want. That is why this subject keeps going around and around. It is not always the black and white ...fine

[lynnered]

i agree wh jvjrose

its not the MM being a lieing cheat a cheat yes but ,when u have children,a mortage,a dog

hopefully u get the point its not that easy to walk away ,

my MM admitd to me when A began im not happy ,im comfortable he knocked her up felt he had to marry her ,he felt he made his bed ,

he was stuck if he wanted to see his kid everyday,

at the begining of A he stated all that but he wasnt going to leave now ,

hes in process of trying so he says he says hes scared not of W or losing her he looks forward to that ,but his little one is who hes concerned wh

and W told him if he ever leaves he wont see her &she'll screw him in child support

im not saying thats the case in all situations but some or most yes

i love how on this post these people who have never been in this situation

with there holy then thou attitudes come here and because its the way they see things well thats how it must be ,

im not saying having a A is the answer but it happens ,

when u feel ur stuck then u meet someone who (as my MM has said)why couldnt i have met u yrs ago?

yes we went about things the wrong way but some people on these post act like the BS is mother theresa ,

theres 3 sides to every A

so this is just how I see things

[lynnered]

Rarely is there a single reason why a person has an affair, rather, there are a multitude of reasons.

This primary reason may not be easily discernible, especially if that reason feels inappropriate to the person

In order to understand the reasons a married person has an affair, it helps to understand the man or woman, however, as with any cause and effect dynamic, generalizations may still be made. Factors which make it difficult to know the real reasons are that all of us like to think that we're doing things for a reason which makes sense.

[lynnered]

INDEPENDENCE/SEPARATENESS.

 

 

BISEXUAL/LESBIAN/GAY.

 

 

POWER/CONTROL.

 

 

TO BE DIFFERENT/TO BE YOURSELF.

 

 

TO END THE MARRIAGE.

 

 

this is from a website by a divorce mediation firm.

 

 

Moderator's Note: When quoting from websites, please be sure that the site is non-commercial in nature, the information is from first-hand, empirical research, and that a citation is used to let the reader know where s/he may actually find the information themselves.

[shygurl]

The only reason this subject keeps coming up, it seems to me, is because OW keep bringing it up - and it also seems to me they do this because they're trying so hard to justify the mess they entered into, and to make themself believe that the time they're wasting on this MM is going to be worth it in the end - that they're not just being used for sex and fun times.

 

The only reason MM have affairs is because they can easily find willing participants. Let's face it, if every single woman on this planet had such strong convictions and would never get involved with a MM, there wouldn't be any affairs, would there? And if these MM couldn't find willing participants then gee, maybe they'd have to grow some balls and make some hard decisions - that if they were truly not happy in their marriage, they'd have to p*ss or get off the pot - either work their butt off to save the marriage and sort things out, or leave it completely and divorce.

 

Affairs break up homes and families. They propagate lies, lies and more lies.

 

THis isn't about having a "holier than thou" attitude - it's simply the fact that it's very sad that there are naive women out there who have such little respect for themselves and their values as women as to get mixed up with a man who doesn't have the balls to make a choice and stick with it. A truly empowered woman wouldn't waste 5 seconds on a man who's involved already/married - because she knows her worth and she wouldn't be willing to settle for less and be someone's "sidedish."

 

Affairs don't just happen - they're a conscious decision and choice on the part of the 2 people involved and that is a fact.

 

It truly is sad that so many women don't think enough of themselves as woman to stand up say (and put into practice), "I am worth more than this - I have a lot of love to give and I expect a lot of love in return - I am worth more than to share stolen moments in the back of a car or in a motel somewhere - I am worth more than to have to sit at home alone and crying when I have to spend Christmas alone because my MM is spending it with his family ........I am worth more than to have to live a secret life. I am too smart to buy the song and dances of integrity-lacking MM who will try to paint this bleak, horrible picture of their marriage yet they don't have the nuts to leave a situation they are not happy in. I deserve a man who will make me a priority - who will proudly take me out in public, who will proudly take me to meet his family, his coworkers, his neighbors - I am worth more than to have to share a man with any other woman!"

[9Lives]

NO

 

THE REASON IT KEEPS COMING UP IS BECAUSE

 

PEOPLE STEP OUT OF MARRIAGE....IF MARRIAGED MEN WOULD NOT PERSUE SINGLE WOMEN...IT WOULD NOT HAPPEN

 

Why does the single woman have to be the bad person...she is not married. He is. She cant make him come over, give her money, whatever

 

LETS START THERE!!

[moimeme]

The only reason this subject keeps coming up, it seems to me, is because OW keep bringing it up - and it also seems to me they do this because they're trying so hard to justify the mess they entered into, and to make themself believe that the time they're wasting on this MM is going to be worth it in the end - that they're not just being used for sex and fun times.

 

Exactly.

 

Why does the single woman have to be the bad person...she is not married

 

It takes two to tango. Just because one person has zero morals, must you get down in the dirt with him? Sorry but it doesn't cut it. If a married guy pursues you you tell him to get lost. Period.

[9Lives]

Dont get me wrong....I AM NOT SAYING IT IS RIGHT.

 

What I am saying is ....it is not always about sex as some women want so desperately to think..

He is not stay either because he can't stand to live w/out that woman.

[shygurl]

Originally posted by jvjrose

NO

 

THE REASON IT KEEPS COMING UP IS BECAUSE

 

PEOPLE STEP OUT OF MARRIAGE....IF MARRIAGED MEN WOULD NOT PERSUE SINGLE WOMEN...IT WOULD NOT HAPPEN

 

LETS START THERE!!

 

You're assuming that all affairs start because MM are pursuing single women. I've read enough posts here and on similar forums to know that many, MANY single women go chasing married men - and they're the ones initiating things, pursuing him. In fact, there's more than a few single women who ONLY go after/have relationships with MM - because they have issues with commitment and they purposly choose men who are not truly available.

 

And so what if all the married men in the world started chasing single women tomorrow? It will only ever "go somewhere" if the single women let it.

 

Most single women, myself included, have been chased by a MM - but the difference between those of us who don't give a MM the time a day and those who do is: I absolutely lose all respect for any involved/married man who has such disrespect for his wife as to play these childish games....and I'd tell the guy off on the spot and make it known I think he's a swine.

 

I find it personally insulting and disgusting for a MM to hit on me - he obviously thinks he's the cat's arse and that I'm so desperate that I'll be willing to settle for his crumbs. It's also an insult to the sisterhood of women in general - that a man like this thinks he can disrespect one of my sisters (a fellow woman) and that it's "okay."

 

A strong empowered woman who has a sense of self respect and self love would tell a married man who pursues her to go chase a flying donut hole - and realize instantly what a chump he is.

[9Lives]

That is true, it does take two tango.

 

However the married man is the one who gets the party rolling.

 

Yes the woman should be strong enough, smart enough, and

walk away but it doesn't always happen apparently.

[moimeme]

Yes the woman should be strong enough, smart enough, and

walk away but it doesn't always happen apparently.

 

And your point is? Bad stuff happens in all walks of life. Doesn't mean it should. Somebody has to stop it.

[shygurl]

Originally posted by jvjrose

Dont get me wrong....I AM NOT SAYING IT IS RIGHT.

 

What I am saying is ....it is not always about sex as some women want so desperately to think..

He is not stay either because he can't stand to live w/out that woman.

 

Fine, so it's not always about the sex. You can list 3,452 reasons why some Women get involved with MM and have affairs but at the end of the day, it doesn't matter why - the fact of the matter is that there's no way to justify being a participant in an affair.

 

We as women don't even have enough respect for one another. If we as women treated our fellow woman as if she were our best friend or sister, we'd never ever cross the line and get involved with a MM. To all you OW out there, that man you're rolling around in the sheets with, that man you're sending cutesy secret text messages to, that man you're skulking around at the No-Tell Motel with, that man whose BS you're buying @ 400% mark-up - he's the man that is disrespecting one of your sisters, one of your fellow women................and I guess that's easy to do because you don't know her, you've never met her, you're so naive as to believe all the negative things he says about her - but she's someone's daughter, she's someone sister, she's someone's mother, she's someone's friend, she's someone's niece, she's someone's granddaughter - and she's never done anything personally to do, to deserve your participation in the disrespect of her marriage. I'll tell you who she likely is, though..............she's likely like many of the women who post here for the first time, who are devastated to strongly suspect their husband is cheating.

 

She's the woman who has a sinking feeling that her husband is playing around. She is the woman whose self esteem is slowly eroding because her husband seems distracted, all those late night business meetings, his strange behavior. She is the woman who is going for days without sleep and food because her heart and stomach are in knots because she knows something isn't right but she has to carry on and run the home and raise the children and maybe even go to work and pretend like her heart isn't breaking.

 

If you OW put yourselves into the shoes of the wife who's being cheated on - maybe then you'd understand why it's so wrong to be giving these MM the freaking time of day.

[9Lives]

Originally posted by shygurl

You're assuming that all affairs start because MM are pursuing single women. I've read enough posts here and on similar forums to know that many, MANY single women go chasing married men - and they're the ones initiating things, pursuing him. In fact, there's more than a few single women who ONLY go after/have relationships with MM - because they have issues with commitment and they purposly choose men who are not truly available.

 

 

And so what if all the married men in the world started chasing single women tomorrow? It will only ever "go somewhere" if the single women let it.

 

Most single women, myself included, have been chased by a MM - but the difference between those of us who don't give a MM the time a day and those who do is: I absolutely lose all respect for any involved/married man who has such disrespect for his wife as to play these childish games....and I'd tell the guy off on the spot and make it known I think he's a swine.

 

 

I find it personally insulting and disgusting for a MM to hit on me - he obviously thinks he's the cat's arse and that I'm so desperate that I'll be willing to settle for his crumbs. It's also an insult to the sisterhood of women in general - that a man like this thinks he can disrespect one of my sisters (a fellow woman) and that it's "okay."

 

 

A strong empowered woman who has a sense of self respect and self love would tell a married man who pursues her to go chase a flying donut hole - and realize instantly what a chump he is.

 

 

That aint true that many single woman go after married men.. MANY single women are definately persued by them for sure. It happens all the damm time. Alll the time.

 

Married woman WANT to think she went after my man...when in fact, HE got her all involved and now she doesnt want to let him go

 

Everybody has weakness. We are dispatch a bad side at birth...That is not a excuse to be bad but ...

[shygurl]

Originally posted by jvjrose

That aint true that many single woman go after married men.. MANY single women are definately persued by them for sure. It happens all the damm time. Alll the time.

 

Married woman WANT to think she went after my man...when in fact, HE got her all involved and now she doesnt want to let him go

 

Everybody has weakness. We are dispatch a bad side at birth...That is not a excuse to be bad but ...

 

There are plenty of single women out there who are attracted to and openly pursue married men - just as there are lots of single men out there who actively pursue married women.

 

You don't have to believe me that I find it insulting that some woman's husband would be flirting with me and acting {foolishly}

[9Lives]

MY WHOLE POINT IS....IT IS NOT ALWAYS ABOUT SEX

 

Somebody needs to be enlighted before the run with it....It aint always the reason. As we can see, it a many reason. All of which are not right but it happens.

[9Lives]

Originally posted by shygurl

There are plenty of single women out there who are attracted to and openly pursue married men - just as there are lots of single men out there who actively pursue married women.

 

You don't have to believe me that I find it insulting that some woman's husband would be flirting with me and acting {foolishly}.

 

My single friends all say the same thing. These mm are busy coming after us. They get to us before the single guys do!!!

 

I am not naive. I am stating the facts.

 

Yes, is it wrong.

Married men ruuuuuuuuuunnnn after single and married women.

Single women are attracted to married men and will wait for them if she thinks he is worth it.

Married men do get the woman attached.

 

Married men are busy.

Some want just sex and SOME DO NOT. That's my point.

It ain't always sex

Some really want to leave your as/s

[RecordProducer]

I believe that most men wants JUST sex, but some also want fun, excitement, and change. Probably a very small percentage falls in love with the OW and I bet every OW hopes she falls into that small percentage.

Marriage is not a fairy tale and at one point men become comfortable with their lives but need some excitement. Sexual excitement.

[shygurl]

Originally posted by jvjrose

Some want just sex and SOME DO NOT. That's my point.

It ain't always sex

Some really want to leave your as/s

 

So many MM involved in affairs are still with their wives, still having toe-curling sex with their wives, still keeping a home with her, etc.

 

And a lot of OW hang around, hanging onto his every word, actually believing that he loves you so much and wants a life....a REAL LIFE with you.

 

If a man truly loves a woman, I'm talking TRUE love - he will move heaven and earth to be with her, to have a real life with her, to share every single part of his life and being with her, he'll be proud of her, he'll want to shout it from the rooftops - he'll want to make a home with her, create dreams together with her ... not keep her on the side, tossing a few crumbs her way.

[9Lives]

Wrong again!

 

This what I am saying okay.

 

I know you want to label this thing down to sex and desperation on the part of the OW.

 

Go ahead. I am not going to worry about it. I have been married and I have been the ow so.

I will leave it at that.

 

Enjoy the holiday and it is good to know that if your husband cheats on you...you will know EXACTLY

why and you will be so sure that the ow doesnt have a chance. Go girl!

[newbby]

i see this post has been unlocked, good i thought it was an interesting discussion, i actually posted another reply under a different thread because this one was locked. i cant be bothered to write it again, but would be interested to hear what anyone else says about this either in retrospect or still in the a.

[smile95]

reading only the original post.....I think that married men who cheat can cheat for more than sex. I believe feelings do form. Technically, I dated a married man(he was legally sep and they lived apart), but still married by law. I know that he loved me and I know that it was not just sex. it was a very long time before we even had sex. And we were Long dist, so he was still interested in me even when we never saw each other. I think a lot of guys are in it for just sex, but it is possile feelings are involved. Esp when the marriage is already over in theor heads.