kivan3x Posted August 20, 2016 Posted August 20, 2016 (edited) eh. I saw my ex recently for the first time since we split up 7 years ago. I haven't been with anyone since. She's moved on, with a husband and kids. While I was of course kinda dreading it, it was fine, it was nice to see her, we got on, I had a nice chat with her husband. But after, well it all kinda hit hard. again. We were really good together, ridiculously compatible, but I ultimately destroyed the relationship by being unable to get over her sexual past. Just before me, she went through a really bad phase of self destruction, and there was sex with total strangers and other sexual activity that I just couldn't reconcile, and incidents of rape and abuse. I knew none of this was her, she was the sweetest girl, and I knew how wrong it was for me to hold on to and make her feel ****ty for, and to be so unable to get over it, and of course that it was in no way my place to judge. But ultimately she left me, after 8 years, as I still hadn't cleared my head of those demons, I still threw it back in her face. I hardly slept during those years. Now that I am 'happily' single and free from such thoughts, and generally sleep well, when I have a bad night I can see how much sleep depravation influences the following days mood. I was this for 8 years. I have always been a wait for love kind of guy, and have only had a handful of partners over the years, but I never thought I would expect the same from my SO. I mean I know how this world works. But every relationship has been so difficult for me. My first girlfriend was also raped, and in a twist, left me for the person who raped her. My second, had a ridiculously long list of lovers (we were both in our early twenties then) (which I was fine with at first, but at very turn where I'd discover another ex-lover of hers it was like, "**** you slept with HIM!!??") and then the third, 'most recent' one. I feel like my whole romantic life has been this terrible mental process of trying to reconcile the irreconcilable, trying to accept that which I know deep down is normal, yet to me is so deplorable. Because of all of the above, casual sex has become as demonised to me as the obviously less palatable stuff. I know how wrong I am, how judgemental, how archaic in values. Believe me I have suffered for it. And following this recent meeting, it's put things into perspective. I say I have remained single for this many years because I simply haven't found 'the one', that I am enjoying singledom after a lifetime of love based angst. But I'm now realising on a subconscious level, I am completely terrified of meeting anyone, of any kind of a relationship. On one level, my biggest fear and dread of a potential new partner's sexual history. (I KNOW!) And while there are many who I'm sure would not have issues I would have issue with, how can I even go into anything expecting that? On the other hand, how can I want a relationship, knowing how awful they make me. I still feel terrible at how I made my ex feel, what I did to her, what I did to myself. (I don't think I realised until after it ended, stupid, stupid me). The other relationships were no different. My friends think I'm the most fun loving, laid back person in the world. I am, but Love and attachment bring out the demons of jealousy in me. I know I don't deserve any help after what I have done, but how can I move on? Edited August 20, 2016 by kivan3x 1
preraph Posted August 20, 2016 Posted August 20, 2016 I think you need to see a therapist and explore why someone else's sexual history has anything to do with you that you fear it so much. Find out what you're really afraid of. It's ruined your life, so far. 3
Gloria25 Posted August 20, 2016 Posted August 20, 2016 I think you need to see a therapist and explore why someone else's sexual history has anything to do with you that you fear it so much. Find out what you're really afraid of. It's ruined your life, so far. Agreed ^^. Like where are you meeting these girls? The common denominator is "you" - in other words, kinda odd that you keep on encountering women with "issssuues" 2
Author kivan3x Posted August 21, 2016 Author Posted August 21, 2016 double agreed thanks for the comments well I imagine I'd be fine with a history of 'normal' relationships, but it's just sex without love, or even knowing who the person, is that gets me, but again WHO AM I to judge. Everyone's got a history, everyone got issues.. casual sex is like the norm now isn't it? It's just something I would never want to do. I'm not meeting these girls in any particular place, I mean I've had 3 partners over 20 odd years, so.. and they were all normal, lovely, amazing women, it is I that really has the issues. I've been obsessed with love since a very early age, probably in a very deluded way, and it's bitten me ever since 1
Satu Posted August 21, 2016 Posted August 21, 2016 (edited) I'm going to give you a Carl Jung quote as my answer to your question, and I urge you to think deeply about it's meaning. "Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life, and you will call it fate." — C. G. Jung Take care. Edited August 21, 2016 by Satu 3
preraph Posted August 21, 2016 Posted August 21, 2016 double agreed thanks for the comments well I imagine I'd be fine with a history of 'normal' relationships, but it's just sex without love, or even knowing who the person, is that gets me, but again WHO AM I to judge. Everyone's got a history, everyone got issues.. casual sex is like the norm now isn't it? It's just something I would never want to do. I'm not meeting these girls in any particular place, I mean I've had 3 partners over 20 odd years, so.. and they were all normal, lovely, amazing women, it is I that really has the issues. I've been obsessed with love since a very early age, probably in a very deluded way, and it's bitten me ever since I was very promiscuous (it was the seventies, most of us were), but I can tell you as a woman and as well with the women I knew that even if we did sleep around with virtual strangers, we did so in the hopes of finding a relationship. But since most of the guys were just doing it for sex, that was a long shot. Back then, guys I knew weren't at all judgy about it. They were just happy women were finally able to enjoy themselves after the long oppressive days of no birth control. 2
Author kivan3x Posted August 21, 2016 Author Posted August 21, 2016 thanks for thee quote, Satu. I will give it thought, it's already making some sense . and thanks preraph. oh I so hate how judgy I sound. I totally believe that all people should be free to do whatever they want, mistakes and all, of course I do. but I think it was the unsavoury natures of the particular experiences of my exes that I've found so disturbing. I like to think I'd have been fine if it was just normal dating, normal casual relationships that had come before me, but they were all just so .. 1
sc0316 Posted August 21, 2016 Posted August 21, 2016 OP: Can't you find someone from a more sexually conservative culture/upbringing? I personally know plenty of women who are intimate only with someone in a relationship. 1
Author kivan3x Posted August 21, 2016 Author Posted August 21, 2016 thanks for the comment sc. Ah when I wrote the original post, I guess I was just still really upset from it all coming back. I cried the day after seeing her, and I never cry. But y'know time passes, I'm fine. I'm trying to lead a happy and self contented life, with the belief the right person will waltz into my life when I'm most happy in myself and least expecting it, so I'm going right back to that. And I'm in no rush whatsoever. sorry for the drama and thanks for the help, sometimes just being able to say it and share it and have someone reply is a solution in itself. I'm going back to my normal, non judgy, non thinking about the past too much-y self xxx 1
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