Love relationships : how to make them work?

[mousse]

Hi,

 

 

I've been in different love relationships in my life, but none of them worked out and some of them ended pretty dramatically.

 

 

I feel I don't know how to behave around men. A lot of people told me 'just be yourself', my father bought me this book about being a strong and assertive woman in order to get the guy to commit to you. I've read tons of self help books about relationships, thought about the issue a lot, discussed it with friends...in the end, I think, I still feel clueless about relationships...I don't know how to make a love relationship work. A lot of guys ask for my number, but I'm scared to give it because most of the time I'm in a relationship I am the one getting dumped and it always takes me a super long time to recover.

 

 

I'm writing today to get some advices from people who are good at relationships or just to share ideas about that topic.

 

 

Thanks in advance and have a nice week end,

- Mousse

[StalwartMind]

It depends.

 

What kind of men are you interested in? What do you expect from them? What are you looking for? What kind of effort are you willing to put into a relationship?

 

While I'm positive you can read various information from books, magazines and guides which may teach you decent ways to behave, it's important to understand that humans are not machines that come with a guide. You need to actively make an effort yourself into understanding the individual you might be interested in.

 

If you can express yourself as you have in this post, then you are capable of having a conversation with a man. No one knows if he'll be interested or not, because it depends entirely on what he wants. As such you need to talk and figure out what makes his heart and mind beat a bit faster. Different men want different type of women, if someone is right for you they'll make the effort to let you know that. I've never seen or heard of a single healthy relationship where one part is doing all the work, and when you think about it, if one person is doing all the pulling, then that sounds more like an "aloneship".

 

As always where you meet these men may also greatly impact the kind of results you see, so take that into consideration as well. I'm positive someone can meet the love of their life while trying to be someone else, but it sounds exhausting to me if you have to roleplay or pretend to be someone else every single day. People who place high value on feelings tend to take a longer time with recovering from a breakup. Like someone who's been in a 10 year long relationship might need years to recompose themselves.

[preraph]

I'm going to bump this rather than answer it to see if someone who's better at relationships than I am can answer you, because I know there's some on here who are.

[smackie9]

The key to a healthy, long lasting relaitonship is compatibility, open to new things (can't let things get boring), respect, self respect/self worth, respectful of privacy and personal space, compassion, the ability to compromise (within reason), honesty, and good communication. Oh and trust.

Edited August 20, 2016 by smackie9

[smackie9]

mousse, it would be great to know a little more about you and what were the pitfalls of these experiences you had. It would give up an idea what we can help you with.

[Gaeta]

It takes 2 to make a relationship works. Self-help books are interesting if you want to learn more about communications, boundaries, needs and wants of men, women etc BUT self-help book won't help someone to make a relationship work without the help and full involvement of the other person involved.

 

I was single for a very long time. I have done online dating for close to 4 years and met a couple of hundreds men. I had tons of men asking me out but it never stick together long run. I was a pretty good catch too so there was nothing in me really to push a man away. People on here kept telling me my problem was the type men I picked. I would debate with them till I had no breath left that it wasn't it.

 

Turned out I finally met my someone. Now in retrospect I can tell that people on here were right. My problem was I was not picking the right men. I was letting them pick me and they were often players or emotionally unavailable men.

 

So that being said lets talk about those men you dated.

[carhill]

OP, for a start, tell us about your most intimate non-sexual long-term relationship......those are 'love' relationships too.

 

Take, for example, a long-time best friend of either gender. How does that go for you? How do you make that work? How do you act around them?

 

Do you feel you live 'outside' yourself a lot? I ask because you mentioned you have a long recovery time from attachments. By live outside yourself, I mean you are generally focused on others, perhaps to the extent that you ignore your own needs and wants and that such behaviors are perceived as solicitous and negative by those men you interact with.

 

What's the longest period in life you've lived completely alone, meaning outside of any intimate relationship or dating milieu? If you have, how long ago was that? If you haven't, respecting your disclosure of a long recovery period, why is that, meaning why do you date and mate while recovering from the loss of intimacy and attachment?

 

IMO your answers will come from within. Life, and those we encounter in it, can be like a mirror. Pretty cool, IMO.

[mousse]

Hi guys,

 

 

Thank you for all of your answers.

 

 

I do have a type of man I usually feel attracted to at an instinctive/sexual level and I have another type of guy I feel attracted to at an emotional level.

 

 

Instinctively, sexually, I'm attracted to casual, cool, 'I don't give a damn' men. They usually have many friends, are popular with others and go out a lot. They are good at sports, creative hobbies (poetry, drawing, music, dance etc...) and at making and keeping friends. They are good looking and like to dress up. They are very comfortable with their feminine side and I've also noticed that they all had a very strong bond to their mother. They play it cool, but deep inside, they are super, super sensitive guys, even though they hide it very well behind their cool and intense demeanour. I am also strongly attracted to guys who are mixed blood or who have a different origin than mine. My second love was Guatemalan (I am French) and ever since I dated him, the guys I'm the most attracted to have dark/brown skin and very exotic and mixed origins. Usually, I fall for guys whose first or second language is English and who grew up in countries where English was taught very early on. We will call those guys the guys I am 'in love with'. It never worked out with any of them. The spark is there, but they always end up leaving me (usually for a girl who's more the 'party girl' type and I'm the 'book worm' type).

 

 

I became best friends/close friends with guys who were more like me personality wise. Those are the guys I am attracted to at an emotional level, the guys I 'love'. Those guys are more intellectual and cerebral than my crushes. They are deep, loner types. On the surface, they seem a bit weak, or even a bit weird, and you don't instantly feel like getting to know them but, when you look at their actions, you see that they are strong and have personality. They are often geeky, they love computers and books, they love to think (just like me) and with them, I can talk for hours. They are my best friends. The problem is...sexually, I really don't feel the spark. Often those guys are the ones who really and genuinely care for me and love me, (they love my soul and my mind, not just my body) but due to the lack of spark, it doesn't work out and it always feel like something is missing. I always end up leaving them.

 

 

And finally, there is the one guy I cannot forget, even though it's been years since I last saw him and even though our relationship never got off the ground and ended in a dramatic way. This is the guy I consider like my true love, my 'one and only', my soulmate who's a subtle mix of the 'guys I'm in love with', and the 'guys I love'. Half of him is the ultimate 'bad boy': he has all the attributes of the guys I am in love with, and out of all those guys, he's the one who's the biggest bad boy. The other half is a sensitive guy who loves to think, loves computers, writes poetry, listens to soulful music and draw during his free time. He's the most sensitive of all the men I've met in my entire life. He's the worst and best person I have ever met and the worst and best thing that has happened to me. I pushed him away at first, because I was afraid and couldn't understand that a guy like him would choose me, he 'tortured me' a bit and then he pushed me away. I completely collapsed afterwards. And the one thing that helped me go back to life was a sentence that he had said on our first date: 'I would propose to you if you had long hair. Not that I wouldn't propose to you now.'

 

 

I have many things to say about this subject but I need to go work now.

 

 

Thanks for listening and tell me what you think of this,

 

 

-Mousse

[Gaeta]

Instinctively, sexually, I'm attracted to casual, cool, 'I don't give a damn'

 

Common mistake women with less experience will make.

 

Women love confidence in a man, confidence will influence a woman even more than looks. You misinterpret arrogance for confidence. I don't give a damn is arrogance.

 

Remember the best way to judge the interest of a man is by his actions. A man that is interested will call you, set up dates, care about your safety and well being, won't make you wait. You will feel his interest and won't ever wonder if he is into you or not.

 

When a man doesn't give you the basic respect of returning your calls, text, when he lets days go by without contacts, when he only invites you out last minute, you dump him asap. You don't date him 1-2-3 months, no, you dump him right at beginning. Men are on their best behavior at beginning so if his best isn't good enough no point pursuing.

 

I became best friends/close friends with guys who were more like me personality wise. Those are the guys I am attracted to at an emotional level, the guys I 'love'. Those guys are more intellectual and cerebral than my crushes. They are deep, loner types.

 

Have you given the geeky guys a real chance? How many dates before you judge there is no chemistry? When you find someone and connect on an intellectual level, if there is nothing repulsive about his look and you find him at least cute then give him a chance, at least 3-4 dates. If you like him more with each date than stick with it for a while.

 

And finally, there is the one guy I cannot forget,

 

This is just a trick of the brain. You had the hots for this guy and have not met anyone thrilling since him so he is remaining the perfect man in your head. You need to take your pink glasses off and see him for who he really is. A shallow moron that made you waste your time. Take him off the pedestal you have put him on and keep that pedestal for a man that will give you his time, attention, consideration. Hot dudes should never be put on a pedestal just because they are hot and make you tickle. That is not worthy of a pedestal.

[BaileyB]

It's the age old arguement, how is important is sexual attraction in a relationship. My answer, probably not as important as you believe, right now.

 

I think Smackie is right - most important things are compatibility (values, interests, goals, sexuality), respect, communication, trust, etc... When you have those things, you have something that you can build a really strong relationship on. Others may disagree, but I think a relationship built on a strong friendship, with sexual attraction and sexual compatibility is the best!

 

Someone with a casual, cool "I don't give a damn" attitude - that's probably not someone with whom you can build a very good relationship. Certainly not, in and of itself.

 

I would say that you need to date a lot! It will help you get more experience and mature - discover what is most important to you in a relationship. And, think about your family relationships/friendships... What do you bring to those relationships and what do you get back that is most enjoyable to you.

 

Someday, you will meet the right guy and you will know it - if you do the work and really think about what it is that is most important to you.

Edited September 10, 2016 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

And forget the guy you can't forget. Gaeta is right - he is not real. He is a figment of your imagination. Your mind has "edited" the memory of him... To remember the things you like and make the things you don't like, not so bad. And, it doesn't sound like he treated you well when you were together.

 

Move on from him, I'm sure he has moved on...

Edited September 10, 2016 by BaileyB

[smackie9]

So you are sexually attracted to emotionally unavailable men, who have numerous female friends, are self absorbed, reckless, etc., and friend zone the ones who are too emotionally available. Look for someone who is neither of those.

 

 

 

 

Here is a tip: date those who treat you the way you want to be treated. You are getting involved with the wrong guys. Time to cut it out. Clean the slate, and have a check list of your expectations and follow it.....don't settle.

[mousse]

Hi,

 

 

Wow...I didn't expect such replies to my second post and I can honestly say that I am really hurt and disappointed :/ It's too bad that most people nowadays don't really take the time to really listen and understand someone else and that they project their own problems on the person instead.

 

 

I only felt truly, deeply understood about my issues with my father. He's the only one out of the 5 people I shared my story with who really made the effort to understand me and to put himself in my shoes.

 

 

I guess I won't open up too much on Loveshack about my problems and personal questions if that's the type of replies I get.

[Arieswoman]

mousse, people here are trying to help....

 

If you don't want to disclose too much try the Baggage Reclaim site here;

 

Healthier Relationships

 

^^ lots of interesting and challenging info there.

 

Good luck x

[Gaeta]

What was so disappointing and hurtful in what we said?? We have dating experience, we are telling you what to watch out for and what to change. How is that hurtful.