Not sure what happened :(

[Mkn1010]

Ok, so I'm 29 and I met a guy on Tinder (he's 30). After our first date, I could tell he was very interested, he messaged me straight afterwards. So we start dating, see each other about twice a week, he messages me everyday and calls me every few days. After our second date, he asked me if I wanted to come to dinner with his sister and cousin, I declined saying that it was a little too soon for me. On our third date, he told me that when we first met and I was walking up to him that it was "surreal" and he thought "yep, this could really work". He also told his whole family about me and said they were really excited.

 

Unfortunately, his grandmother passed away and he was super apologetic because he had to cancel a date with me, which he quickly rescheduled. We keep dating as normal and everything is going super well. He texts me things like "I miss you" which I found a little premature since we're only a few weeks in at this point. He also asked me to spend NYE with him this year (despite the fact that it's still 6 months away).

 

Approximately, 1 month in, I spent the weekend at his place. Sadly, his grandfather (the spouse of the grandmother) also passed away and I was with him when he got the news. He was very emotional and I comforted him and he wanted me to stay with him, which I did. He also deleted his Tinder profile saying he doesn't need it cos he "has me".

 

The next time I saw him, I watched his soccer game and met some of his friends. Later that night he told me all about how he intends to teach interstate next year (something he'd previously mentioned) and he said he has been "really confused" lately as that's his dream but now he met someone "really really nice". He then asked if I would consider going, to which I replied that I'm not really into making future plans as life is very unpredictable and we could hate each other in two weeks. He seemed okay with my answer at that stage.

 

However, over the next couple of days, his communication with me was different, he was short and replied to messages very late (which is not his style). I then told him that the convo freaked me out a little as I don't do well with goodbyes. He then asked again but via text if I'd consider moving. And I said that I'd move for "the love of my life", ie that "iridescent person that no one else compares to". Then I said "I'm not saying that's not you, I'm saying its too early to tell".

 

The next day he says (in response to my question as to what he's looking for) that he's "looking for someone he enjoys spending time with, but doesn't know who that is yet".

 

That's when I go a little bit weird and I'm like what the hell dude, you've clearly back-tracked and I called him out on it. He said I was reading too much into things. We chatted in person and all he could say is that he's now confused about me. I asked whether he had any feelings for me and he said he is "just really confused" and that he thinks I have jumped too far ahead of HIM. I said I wasn't really keen on dating someone so confused and I told him we'll just leave it and I proceeded to give him a brief goodbye 'thank you' and hug and he then said "you're making it sound so final" and I was like "umm..." and he asked "can we just sit on it for a few days?", I didn't say anything as I was on the way out the door and he said "talk to you soon".

 

10 days pass and I hear nothing, I didn't message him at all, just gave him space. However, I had tickets to a gig we were going to go to together which was coming up in a few days. So I sent him a casual text just seeing if he still wanted to come along. He said "nah made plans, but I can give you the money". I just said I didn't care about the money but that I was hoping he'd get back to me as he requested 'a few days'. He then said "I think you already know". I said "I don't" and he said "I can't get involved with anyone right now because I'm moving interstate and because you were getting more involved than me". I said "that's bull****" and he goes "I just mean your feelings were stronger than mine".

 

And that's pretty much it. He later found my bank card at his place that I lost (he knows I cancelled it anyway as I was with him when I did it, and I previously told him that he can bin it if he happens to find it). But he messaged to say "hey, I found your card under the couch".

 

Very very bizarre! Does anyone have any idea what the hell is going on with this dude? :/

Edited August 26, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs ~T

[True Gent]

I'd say he's immature and he's been allowing himself to get a little carried away with thinking things were going to become very serious between you both without actually allowing things to naturally develop on a mutual level.

 

He asked you some serious questions which you gave a sensible answer to. He wasn't expecting a logical responce and it's hurt his ego. As a result he's backed right off, yet also kind of tried to keep you hanging at the same time.

 

You're best off moving on from this as it's not going to work anyway with him moving away.

[Mkn1010]

I would also like to add that I probably would have relocated with this guy if we were still together/happened to be in love when he moves in 6 months

[ExpatInItaly]

He wanted to rush things, and when he saw you were hesitant (and rightly so! you barely knew him) he got his ego bruised so he turned it around on you and painted you as the one rushing it.

 

He's just trying to save face, that's all. You were very rational not to speed things up before really knowing him. He is hurt and trying to nurse his wounds by blaming you.

 

I'd just move on. He's leaving anyway.

[preraph]

I think he jumped in too quick and that you're now finding out more about each other and he's trying to move maybe too fast, or at least too fast for you. I think he has an image in his head of his ideal woman and that you matched it up real good on the outside so he's thinking "this is it" and making plans but he doesn't really know YOU yet and still thought you were his imaginary ideal on the inside too, but nobody is. I think he's just now figuring that out. Anyway, tell him it's still way too soon to be making commitments and future plans but if you like him, tell him that too.

[Mkn1010]

Thank you so much everyone for your responses!

 

I agree with the advice here, the issue is that I still really like him and wanted to just play it by ear and take each day as it comes. But now he is unwilling to do that and he's had nearly two weeks to get over the 'ego hit' (if that's what is was) and he hasn't come around!! I would have thought that was enough time to get over his hurt pride??

[Mkn1010]

Really confused people, is it possible he'll come back around in his own time?

[preraph]

I think he told you in his yammering indirect way that he knows you're not who he's looking for, so you should forget about him and move on. After all, if one person out of two says it's not a match, it is not a match. Sorry.

[bachdude]

I'm sorry OP but he is pretty delusional to think you would relocate so soon. And the way he turns it around on you is also pretty out there.

 

 

For the sake of your own sanity, I think it's best you found out sooner rather than later.

 

 

To get over him, just visualize how a lifetime of this sort of behavior would drive you crazy.

[h0000]

I understand what he is doing but I don't understand what you are doing, OP?

 

 

He is moving, and you aren't following. So he decided to cut the ties. It's tad immature that he tried to "save his face" by saying "I'm the one whos not interested" but it doesn't matter.

 

 

But why are you still interested in dating a guy, knowing he is going to leave?

[Mkn1010]

I'm still interested because we had something really good going on, we were 'cut from the same cloth' as they say and I'm not one to look too far ahead. I would have just been happy to go with the flow and re-assess whether I wanna move when it happens in 6 months.

[Mkn1010]

However, I also agree that his behaviour has been super outlandish and concerning, it sucks that we had such a powerful thing before his change of mind!!

[h0000]

I'm still interested because we had something really good going on, we were 'cut from the same cloth' as they say and I'm not one to look too far ahead. I would have just been happy to go with the flow and re-assess whether I wanna move when it happens in 6 months.

 

Ok, but you gotta understand he does not want to risk investing any deep feelings but you eventually decide not to move with him after 6 month. It will be tad selfish if you ask him to wait for you to make the decision.

[h0000]

However, I also agree that his behaviour has been super outlandish and concerning, it sucks that we had such a powerful thing before his change of mind!!

 

He can't expect you to say yes after a month of dating. I agree. But you also can't expect him to wait for you to decide.

 

Some girl will probably say "I will be willing to move if things are strong after 6 months" . But you said "I'm not making any future plans". It's reasonable , sure . But It also doesn't sound very nice. As a girl, if a guy said that to me, I would feel like he's just in for "right now" and I wouldn't wanna keep seeing him anymore.

 

I think it's just an unfortunate situation. Move on. He may come around later but I don't think it will be serious. More like breadcrumbs ,when he's feeling bored or something.

[Mkn1010]

I didn't say it like that, I said to him that I wasn't into making future plans because it hasn't worked out for me in the past (he knows I was severely hurt in the past). And that was just because I was initially shocked by his proposal.

 

 

However, after that chat and I noticed him pulling away, I said to him that I didn't realise how much I liked him but when he started pulling away it hit me in the stomach like I was going to lose him and then I realised that I was "falling for him".

 

 

All he said back to that was that my feelings were stronger than his.

[h0000]

I didn't say it like that, I said to him that I wasn't into making future plans because it hasn't worked out for me in the past (he knows I was severely hurt in the past). And that was just because I was initially shocked by his proposal.

 

 

However, after that chat and I noticed him pulling away, I said to him that I didn't realise how much I liked him but when he started pulling away it hit me in the stomach like I was going to lose him and then I realised that I was "falling for him".

 

 

All he said back to that was that my feelings were stronger than his.

Move on. This doesn't sound like a right relationship. He doesn't sound like the right guy.

[Zippy2000]

He may have felt your awkward vibes by freaking out and going a "little bit weird".

 

 

I then told him that the convo freaked me out a little as I don't do well with goodbyes. He then asked again but via text if I'd consider moving. And I said that I'd move for "the love of my life", ie that "iridescent person that no one else compares to". Then I said "I'm not saying that's not you, I'm saying its too early to tell".

The next day he says (in response to my question as to what he's looking for) that he's "looking for someone he enjoys spending time with, but doesn't know who that is yet".

That's when I go a little bit weird and I'm like what the hell dude, you've clearly back-tracked and I called him out on it. He said I was reading too much into things. We chatted in person and all he could say is that he's now confused about me. I asked whether he had any feelings for me and he said he is "just really confused" and that he thinks I have jumped too far ahead of HIM. I said I wasn't really keen on dating someone so confused and I told him we'll just leave it and I proceeded to give him a brief goodbye 'thank you' and hug and he then said "you're making it sound so final" and I was like "umm..." and he asked "can we just sit on it for a few days?", I didn't say anything as I was on the way out the door and he said "talk to you soon".

10 days pass and I hear nothing, I didn't message him at all, just gave him space. However, I had tickets to a gig we were going to go to together which was coming up in a few days. So I sent him a casual text just seeing if he still wanted to come along. He said "nah made plans, but I can give you the money". I just said I didn't care about the money but that I was hoping he'd get back to me as he requested 'a few days'. He then said "I think you already know". I said "I don't" and he said "I can't get involved with anyone right now because I'm moving interstate and because you were getting more involved than me". I said "that's bull****" and he goes "I just mean your feelings were stronger than mine".

And that's pretty much it. He later found my bank card at his place that I lost (he knows I cancelled it anyway as I was with him when I did it, and I previously told him that he can bin it if he happens to find it). But he messaged to say "hey, I found your card under the couch".

Very very bizarre! Does anyone have any idea what the hell is going on with this dude? :/

 

Acting odd and sending bad vibes to someone makes then think something is off and they will loose interest.

 

After the initial excitment of meeting someone new. He`s seen your flaws and how you are acting odd makes him think twice if you are the one for him.

 

Nothing is going on with this man. You are just reading to much into it. He lost interest and now his true colours are coming through over time.

[Mkn1010]

I was not acting odd by being surprised and declining a suggestion to move after we had only been dating for 1 month. I believe my response was rational.

 

 

If he lost interest because of that response, that is NOT on me, I was pretty reasonable the whole way along.

 

 

And yes, I freaked out because of his super serious proposition, and no doubt sent him weird or bad vibes. But I guess that's what happens when you pull that on someone after 1 month of dating.

 

 

 

 

And if he just lost interest, he could have ended things and not left it open/left me hanging in such a way. When I tried to say 'goodbye' in person, his response was "you're making it sound so final" and he requested a few days to sit on it. And then never came back to provide an answer.

Edited August 22, 2016 by Mkn1010

[Mkn1010]

UPDATE: So he hasn't contacted me in nearly 2 weeks and I have not contacted him. I think this is really weird from a guy who would previously say he "missed" me after not seeing me for 2-3 days.

 

 

On another thread, someone commented that men will text, call, make effort, spend money one women just for sex. I am now wondering if that was this guy's deal? I felt like this guy genuinely liked me (that's what my gut told me, I never had any doubts), but a poster here wrote that they can even look at us in a way that makes us believe they adore us etc when sex is all they want :/

I'm just thinking that if he truly liked me, then he wouldn't be able to just 'turn' his feelings off completely just because I was unsure about the relocation (to turn feelings off suddenly seems impossible to me anyway).

 

 

Anyway, I'm having a terrible day so any opinions would be greatly appreciated.

[h0000]

UPDATE: So he hasn't contacted me in nearly 2 weeks and I have not contacted him. I think this is really weird from a guy who would previously say he "missed" me after not seeing me for 2-3 days.

 

 

On another thread, someone commented that men will text, call, make effort, spend money one women just for sex. I am now wondering if that was this guy's deal? I felt like this guy genuinely liked me (that's what my gut told me, I never had any doubts), but a poster here wrote that they can even look at us in a way that makes us believe they adore us etc when sex is all they want :/

I'm just thinking that if he truly liked me, then he wouldn't be able to just 'turn' his feelings off completely just because I was unsure about the relocation (to turn feelings off suddenly seems impossible to me anyway).

 

 

Anyway, I'm having a terrible day so any opinions would be greatly appreciated.

If I remembered right, he quite obviously told you he is moving on, didn't he? So what's the confusion here..

He probably truly liked you but like is not love, it was a few weeks relationship anyway how deep can you expect it to be..

Sorry girl, move on. Tomorrow is another day!

[Mkn1010]

Thanks h0000, I'm just trying to understand the situation fully as I'm newly back in the dating game and honestly don't understand people these days.

 

 

Yes, it was only a 5 week relationship in total but that seemed to mean enough to him to ask if I'd move with him, meet his fam and friends etc. And so it's a little concerning for me (as I'm trying to trust my gut instincts again in coming back into the dating game) that he was capable of changing like that. It's not something I've ever experienced before and I'm a pretty consistent person, I only like very few people so when I do like someone I REALLY like them.

 

 

Really just gaining closure and understanding here.

[Mkn1010]

So last night I decided to log back into my Bumble (dating app) account and I swiped 'no' on the first profile that came up and the second profile I see is the dude from this post who asked me to relocate! Now I'm a little surprised as he told me when we ended things that he "can't get involved with anyone right now" due to his relocation plans etc due to occur in roughly 4 months or so. Anyway, also last night he happened to click 'like' on a sketch I uploaded to FB and was online on the FB chat. So I decided to say "hey, nice Bumble profile :p" (just to do a bit of digging with him as I never really got straight answers) and he was like "how do you know??" and I said "lol I just saw you then".

 

 

His profile was also presented in a way that he is seeking a relationship (not cheap thrills) and he ended his bio off with "trying out the online dating thing". And this guy it far from an online dating novice haha.

 

 

In our chat above, he then goes "I'm playing your favourite song" and tells me about some song that referenced back to a comment I once apparently made that I actually couldn't even remember tbh. And I thought heck, I'm just going to come right out and ask this guy what his deal is. So I said "so you never really explained why your feelings for me changed rapidly, was it meant to be just a sex thing for you?" (I just threw that out there, knowing that wasn't his bag) AND THEN he says "I don't know what is was meant to be, but I didn't enjoy the sex too much".

 

 

I was initially feeling like 'what a burn', however the first time we had sex, I told him it was extremely painful for me (incompatibility of size thing) and I left his house abruptly afterwards. I ended up deciding to keep dating him nonetheless and he never raised it as an issue. The next few times were less painful but I was never overly enthused. Towards the end of the rel, he asked me if I had reached my *end point* (the 'O' word) with him ever and I lied and said I had. And he said, "really, when??" Anyhow, I once also asked him if he thought the size issue was going to be problematic long term and he said "No, not at all."

 

 

Soooo, I'm confused now as to why he has raised it now as apparently THE deal breaker for him (which is fine as not everyone is sexually compatible), when he didn't raise that during the rel and in fact asked me twice if I'd relocate with him.

 

 

And in last night's chat, he kept asking me questions to keep the chat going on to the point where I stopped replying.

 

 

Am I the only one who thinks this guy is a complete contradiction?

[Mkn1010]

Can anyone advise me re this update??

[Redhead14]

Ok, so I'm 29 and I met a guy on Tinder (he's 30). After our first date, I could tell he was very interested, he messaged me straight afterwards. So we start dating, see each other about twice a week, he messages me everyday and calls me every few days. After our second date, he asked me if I wanted to come to dinner with his sister and cousin, I declined saying that it was a little too soon for me. On our third date, he told me that when we first met and I was walking up to him that it was "surreal" and he thought "yep, this could really work". He also told his whole family about me and said they were really excited.

 

Unfortunately, his grandmother passed away and he was super apologetic because he had to cancel a date with me, which he quickly rescheduled. We keep dating as normal and everything is going super well. He texts me things like "I miss you" which I found a little premature since we're only a few weeks in at this point. He also asked me to spend NYE with him this year (despite the fact that it's still 6 months away).

 

Approximately, 1 month in, I spent the weekend at his place. Sadly, his grandfather (the spouse of the grandmother) also passed away and I was with him when he got the news. He was very emotional and I comforted him and he wanted me to stay with him, which I did. He also deleted his Tinder profile saying he doesn't need it cos he "has me".

 

The next time I saw him, I watched his soccer game and met some of his friends. Later that night he told me all about how he intends to teach interstate next year (something he'd previously mentioned) and he said he has been "really confused" lately as that's his dream but now he met someone "really really nice". He then asked if I would consider going, to which I replied that I'm not really into making future plans as life is very unpredictable and we could hate each other in two weeks. He seemed okay with my answer at that stage.

 

However, over the next couple of days, his communication with me was different, he was short and replied to messages very late (which is not his style). I then told him that the convo freaked me out a little as I don't do well with goodbyes. He then asked again but via text if I'd consider moving. And I said that I'd move for "the love of my life", ie that "iridescent person that no one else compares to". Then I said "I'm not saying that's not you, I'm saying its too early to tell".

 

The next day he says (in response to my question as to what he's looking for) that he's "looking for someone he enjoys spending time with, but doesn't know who that is yet".

 

That's when I go a little bit weird and I'm like what the hell dude, you've clearly back-tracked and I called him out on it. He said I was reading too much into things. We chatted in person and all he could say is that he's now confused about me. I asked whether he had any feelings for me and he said he is "just really confused" and that he thinks I have jumped too far ahead of HIM. I said I wasn't really keen on dating someone so confused and I told him we'll just leave it and I proceeded to give him a brief goodbye 'thank you' and hug and he then said "you're making it sound so final" and I was like "umm..." and he asked "can we just sit on it for a few days?", I didn't say anything as I was on the way out the door and he said "talk to you soon".

 

10 days pass and I hear nothing, I didn't message him at all, just gave him space. However, I had tickets to a gig we were going to go to together which was coming up in a few days. So I sent him a casual text just seeing if he still wanted to come along. He said "nah made plans, but I can give you the money". I just said I didn't care about the money but that I was hoping he'd get back to me as he requested 'a few days'. He then said "I think you already know". I said "I don't" and he said "I can't get involved with anyone right now because I'm moving interstate and because you were getting more involved than me". I said "that's bull****" and he goes "I just mean your feelings were stronger than mine".

 

And that's pretty much it. He later found my bank card at his place that I lost (he knows I cancelled it anyway as I was with him when I did it, and I previously told him that he can bin it if he happens to find it). But he messaged to say "hey, I found your card under the couch".

 

Very very bizarre! Does anyone have any idea what the hell is going on with this dude? :/

 

Well, of course, he's in love with you and can't think of a better way to get back into your pants . . .

 

Yeah . . "I can't get involved with anyone right now because I'm moving interstate and because you were getting more involved than me". I said "that's bull****" and he goes "I just mean your feelings were stronger than mine".

 

He doesn't want a relationship with you . . . but if you want to make more of a text about your bank card, you can come here and have sex with me and keep stringing yourself along if you want . . .

[Mkn1010]

Haha thank you! I was more asking for an opinion on last night's convo: why he last night said that he didn't enjoy having sex with me when he previously asked me if I'd wanna move to another state with him.

 

 

And he has no reason to allow me to "string myself along" when he apparently doesn't enjoy the sex...soooo not sure what your post is about!!

 

 

But I appreciate the time nonetheless!