Is my best friends "friendship" with a married man crossing into affair territory?

[TheCurious1]

I have a best friend in who I will call "Jen" for the sake of protecting her identity.... We have been close friends for 4 years now.

 

"Jen" is 29 years old and has been "friends" with a man 15 years her senior for the past 3-4 years....

 

This man first contacted my her on social media and he is a promoter so we would go to various social events (in which he has invited her to a few, and I tagged along).... He use to stare at my friend from afar, he has touched her knee while talking to her, and also touched her lip while staring deeply into her eyes..

 

Fast forward 2.5 years later... He still contacts her. They have told one another they love each other. He always emphasis's how important she is to him and how much he values her AND how he will not cross the line in being physically intimate with her BUT to my knowledge has accepted racy videos and pictures of her. He claims receiving these pictures AND videos has proven to him that she trust him and doesn't feel it is inappropriate to share something like that with him since he is a "friend"....

 

She has NEVER met the wife (if I am not mistaken the wife is about 11 years older than him). My friend was in denial about the existing attraction for years so therefore she mentioned meeting his wife on numerous occasions in which she was blown off a lot of the time & she also said he failed to tell her about his marriage when he first started contacting her

 

They texts at the least every 2-3 days....

 

What do you think he wants from my friend if he doesn't want sex?

 

Why would a 44 or 45 year old man want such a close relationship with a 29 year old woman other than sex?? I don't get it.

 

I know it may not be my place to show this much concern but I love my friend dearly & don't want to see her end up in a dangerous situation... For all we know the guy could be setting her up for something sinister... Something doesn't add up especially if it's been 3 years, she hasn't met his wife, and he is secretive about his personal life.

[preraph]

Oh, he wants sex, but maybe he's not willing to risk his marriage for it or rightly assumes that since your friend is idiot enough to send him racy video that she isn't very careful or at all discreet.

 

Yes, she's crossed the line, but it's their business.

 

Older guys like to think they're still youthful and attractive, even though they aren't, so any attention from a young woman is very welcome to them, even if it goes not further.

 

I used to work in an office where all the men were middle aged and most of the women too, and there was only one youngish woman there, a thin blond, maybe a 7, but because she was the youngest woman there, ALL the men could be found standing around her receptionist cubicle half the time chatting her up. They had NO other interest in any other women in the office who were in their own age group. No socializing there at all. It's pathetic, if you ask me.

[TunaCat]

"to my knowledge has accepted racy videos and pictures of her. He claims receiving these pictures AND videos has proven to him that she trust him and doesn't feel it is inappropriate to share something like that with him since he is a "friend"

And you believe this?

 

Listen, I was friends with both members of an engaged couple a few years back. The woman worked at nights so her fiance and I would text about stuff (never anything inappropriate) Then one night, he sent me a picture of his penis. He apologized immediately and said that he meant to send it to his fiance. I didn't believe him. With a picture like that, it's insane that someone other than the intended recipient get it.

 

I contacted his fiance and told her what happened and she accused ME of coming on to him. The friendship was over after that conversation.

 

My point being, true friendships do not include sending racy pics & videos to the other person. She is just trying to justify it.

 

And yes, he just wants sex from her.

[Bufo]

I have some advice for YOU. From what I learned in too many years of practicing law. Getting emotionally involved in another's romance problems is a prescription for frustration, hurt feelings, fights and all sorts of bad things.

 

But....there is something you can do to help her. Tell her what you think will happen if she ignores your presumed advice that this relationship is not going to end well. And, in the same breath, tell her what you think will happen if she follows your presumed advice. Then let her choose her path. If this affair runs its usual course, she'll be back to you in tears. Dint chastise her, but tell her how ending it will be better in the long run (again). Maybe this time she'll listen.

 

You could also point her here so she can read first hand of the overwhelming numbers of OW who thought during the A "we are different". Maybe she'll figure out a way.to deal with this on her own. You and I know the odds are stacked against her. She has to understand that, too.

 

It's human nature to want what's being denied to us. OM could be setting her up or he's really got some interpersonal relationship issues. But he is not your problem. No favors go unpunished, and I can see her telling him that you think he has evil motive, etc. she'll crave his denials, of course. But the psychopath would just love to meet you and convince you that you are wrong. Hence your punishment.

 

And thus the detached approach I first recommended.

[Arieswoman]

OP, bufo nails it here;

 

I have some advice for YOU. From what I learned in too many years of practicing law. Getting emotionally involved in another's romance problems is a prescription for frustration, hurt feelings, fights and all sorts of bad things.

 

If I had £1 for every hour I spent trying to talk a girlfriend out of entering into/continuing an "unadvisable" association, then I would have been a millionaire at aged 40.

 

I just don't do it anymore and operate a policy of non-interference. It's tough to see your friends/colleagues make a pig's ear of their lives but getting involved only drags you down.

 

As bufo says, stand back.

[standtall]

That is an affair in everything but putting it in her.

 

IMHO, any activity...any...that results in mutual arousal with people married to someone else is cheating...period.

 

As far as dropping the dime on her....well , I would get her to do it herself, but be prepared to lose a friend. Personally, I do not associate with people of that low caliber, so I wouldn't care.

[NTV]

So I have a dumb question here, and I'm gonna make some assumptions. I'm assuming because your friend is 29, then you're probably about the same age.

 

 

So, my dumb question is what are the odds that you could run circles around a 19 year old dude and get him to do what you wanted in the type of relationship you wanted? Would that make the 19 year old stupid? No, just inexperienced.

 

 

That's the game your friend has sat down at the table for.

 

 

So what are your options? Really, like others have said, you can't make anyone do anything they don't want to. But there's a bigger concern IMO. Your friend let you in on the secret. Now you know what's going on isn't right.

 

 

Are you the type of person to watch something wrong happen and just sit there? If a guy on the corner was selling packaged dog turds as the newest candy bar, would you let people buy it?

[Lobe]

As a BS, I am all for someone outing the affair, but cannot offer that as advice without admitting personal bias lol. If you want to remain friends with this girl, let her know that talking about the A while it continues in any way shape or form is off limits as you cannot condone this behaviour. Don't give her advice, don't waste your breath telling her how wrong it is, don't bother holding her hand when she cries about missing him.... nada.

 

I had a friend confide in me that she was having an affair while working overseas. I told her BS because I could not stand what she was doing to him. It was worth losing her friendship over because it was selfish of her to bring me in on it and ask me to be "happy" for her while at the same time watching her destroy her husband. Had she come to me looking for advice on how to end her marriage or get out of the affair, I might have felt some kind of loyalty but really, she was just being a selfish b*tch - she was seriously acting like a stupid teeny bopper full of raging hormones. Years later, she looked me up on FB and apologized for putting me in such an awkward position. I still talk to her husband more than her.