goldengirl11 Posted August 20, 2016 Posted August 20, 2016 (edited) Hi Would be grateful for others advice on this friendship, with a married friend. To cut it short, I fear it will develop into an affair, which having experienced previously being in one myself (with someone else), I don't want to repeat! I touched on this friendship earlier this year (in a thread in the affairs section) , when I felt pressured to go to a concert with him and his wife, which although I decided to go to in the end, I feel that I am happy to meet him and his wife, but I am not at ease meeting him alone. I've met him on two occasions alone over the past 18 months when we had seen a show together and although I enjoyed his company, I felt uncomfortable when he held my hand and wanted to hug me "with no barriers." I'm flattered by his attentions as he has made it clear he is mad about me and really cares about me, which I partly find hard to believe, as usually men just seem to want me for sex, or as a stopgap 'til something better comes along. He messages me at least 3 times a day, which feels a bit excessive. I couldn't believe when he messaged me this morning to say he was considering driving down to see me on Sunday, so we could go to a restaurant and have a stroll in the park. It was the stroll in the park bit which made me decline his offer i.e said I'd made plans. He tells me he has plenty of friends i.e he isn't lonely and that we were meant to cross paths. He often tells me he feels guilty to have these feelings for me "but can't help it." He quite often assures me though that he wouldn't do anything I didn't want to. I'm in my thirties and he's in his sixties. I know I need to be more assertive, but I struggle with it. Thanks again Edited August 20, 2016 by goldengirl11
JewelD Posted August 20, 2016 Posted August 20, 2016 You say you feel uncomfortable meeting him alone and yet you have a hard time saying 'no' to his advances? It sounds like you want him or his attention at least a little bit or you would have nipped this in the bud. Just stop communicating with him. You cannot be friends with a married man who has the hots for you. It's not gong to work. 1
Author goldengirl11 Posted August 20, 2016 Author Posted August 20, 2016 You say you feel uncomfortable meeting him alone and yet you have a hard time saying 'no' to his advances? It sounds like you want him or his attention at least a little bit or you would have nipped this in the bud. Just stop communicating with him. You cannot be friends with a married man who has the hots for you. It's not gong to work. I can't just stop talking to him though, he's forever worrying about saying the wrong thing! Something needs to change though.
JewelD Posted August 20, 2016 Posted August 20, 2016 I can't just stop talking to him though, he's forever worrying about saying the wrong thing! Something needs to change though. Why can't you just stop talking to him? What is stopping you? Nothing. You just wantto talk to him, which will obviously lead to something more. You're saying you don't want that so you have to stop talking to him. Something needs to change and it's you. If you liked a guy and kept making advances towards him and he kept talking to you, wouldn't you think he liked you? That these advances are welcome? And you would continue with it. That's what this man thinks. He's not going to stop hitting on you because you're being receptive to it. He thinks he's got a shot and maybe he does, which is why you need to stop talking to him. It's also bad karma. You know this is wrong and you have the power to put an end to it.
LadyLike30 Posted August 20, 2016 Posted August 20, 2016 What's flattering about some guy who's making moves on women besides his woman? Did I miss something here or my dry drink is kicking in? 1
Mr. Lucky Posted August 20, 2016 Posted August 20, 2016 Putting my foot down You're waiting for someone else to put your foot down? He'll stop declaring his inappropriate feelings for you when you're no longer available to listen. Why would you put yourself in this tacky position? Mr. Lucky 2
Author goldengirl11 Posted August 20, 2016 Author Posted August 20, 2016 Just to say I messaged him this morning to say that I feared one of us would get hurt as it seemed an affair was on the cards. Also meeting alone was just inviting that to happen. I then softened it to say I enjoyed communicating though and wished him a good weekend. The last bit (re communicating) probably wasn't said very well, but perhaps it's a step in the right direction! Thanks for helping to give me the courage.
JewelD Posted August 20, 2016 Posted August 20, 2016 Thats not really putting your foot down, thats saying "I want this but I know it's a crappy thing to do. Let's keep talking so you can reassure me about it". 2
TunaCat Posted August 20, 2016 Posted August 20, 2016 I can't just stop talking to him though Yes, yes you can. No one is holding a gun to your head and demanding that you talk to him. You clearly don't want to stop, you just feel like you should. If you really wanted to stop, you would. Full stop. Who cares how he reacts to it. Just block him on all avenues and move on. 1
Gloria25 Posted August 20, 2016 Posted August 20, 2016 Just to say I messaged him this morning to say that I feared one of us would get hurt as it seemed an affair was on the cards. Also meeting alone was just inviting that to happen. I then softened it to say I enjoyed communicating though and wished him a good weekend. The last bit (re communicating) probably wasn't said very well, but perhaps it's a step in the right direction! Thanks for helping to give me the courage. IMO, you should forward every text he sent you to his wife. She needs to know what's going on and he needs to be put on notice that he needs to stop. Trust me, sending the texts to his wife would have stopped him long time ago. He probably sees this text you're sending him as him still having a chance cuz seems like your actions keep on making him think he has a chance. If my husband was flirting with my friend, I'd expect her to tell me ASAP, cuz the longer she takes in telling me, I'm assuming that she was considering him. Well, probably too late to forward his wife the texts cuz she probably think you had the hots for him too - which looks like the case here. So, she's probably gonna hate you if you send her the texts now.
ChickiePops Posted August 20, 2016 Posted August 20, 2016 You fear this may turn into an affair? You're talking as if you have no control over the situation. You can stop it..you are choosing not to. Make better choices..that's all it takes. 2
spiderowl Posted August 21, 2016 Posted August 21, 2016 I can't just stop talking to him though, he's forever worrying about saying the wrong thing! Something needs to change though. Only see him when his wife is there. That will stop the hand-holding and flirting. You don't have to be his friend just because he wants you as a friend. He is trying to creep over that line. If you want to make sure it stays friends only, you should distance yourself. If you are concerned about cutting him off completely, then: - avoid seeing him alone - don't find time in your busy day to respond to texts until much later and then do so minimally (no reward for sending them) - refuse to let him hold your hand, take it away and turn his attention to something else - dismiss any flattering comments and move on to doing something else - stay in a place where he can't put you in an awkward, private situation - be too busy to spend time alone with him eventually, he'll get the message.
BaileyB Posted August 21, 2016 Posted August 21, 2016 Just don't talk to him. Period. It always amazes me when people claim that they have no control over something like this. It's a decision. And, by continuing to talk to him you are making the decision to put yourself in a position in which something could happen that is inappropriate and wrong! Take responsibility for your own actions. This is not cool. Don't do it! 3
elaine567 Posted August 21, 2016 Posted August 21, 2016 If you want someone to talk to, I am sure his wife would not be averse to some girly chats with you. There is really no excuse for you to keep talking to some married guy who just wants to get into your pants. He may be wrong for doing that due to his marital status, but YOU are leading him on. Stop doing that. Tell him to text his wife instead and tell him to take HER to dinner and then take HER for a walk in the park. If he refuses to stop bothering you, then tell him you will tell his wife. That is putting your foot down. All this "we can still text if you want" is just giving him permission to keep doing what he is doing... He is NOT your friend, that is patently obvious. 2
privategal Posted August 21, 2016 Posted August 21, 2016 (edited) Bet he wouldn't tell his wife he was driving to meet you and take you for a stroll. Wonder what his alibi would be, golfing maybe? Did you want to be the girl a spouse stole his wife's time for AND LIES about it? You already KNOW it's already an emotional affairs and THAT IS why you posted in the affair section already and your hoping for different answers here. Do you really need one more friend? Are you this loose in boundaries after reading these boards as long as you have to not know better? It's NOT flattering to have a married man hit in you. It means they think you are the type to do it, it means they know you lack boundaries and can be their little secret. He held your hand and wants to hug you more. You eat this up and are in need of his attention. This isn't friendship. He's grooming, and your ripe for the taking. 3 times a day IS excessive. It's all excessive. If you were married would it be ok for your H to text another woman all day. Hold her hand. Hug her. Drive to see her and take her for a stroll in the park? Allowing that is allowing that karma to come right back. He brings you around his wife RARELY so he can "show her" hey see, we're ALL friends....your an accomplice. He's married so cut it off and stop lying that it's HIM pushing the envelope. Stop standing under the mistletoe, this isn't high-school puppy love it's cheating. Edited August 21, 2016 by privategal
Redhead14 Posted August 22, 2016 Posted August 22, 2016 Hi Would be grateful for others advice on this friendship, with a married friend. To cut it short, I fear it will develop into an affair, which having experienced previously being in one myself (with someone else), I don't want to repeat! I touched on this friendship earlier this year (in a thread in the affairs section) , when I felt pressured to go to a concert with him and his wife, which although I decided to go to in the end, I feel that I am happy to meet him and his wife, but I am not at ease meeting him alone. I've met him on two occasions alone over the past 18 months when we had seen a show together and although I enjoyed his company, I felt uncomfortable when he held my hand and wanted to hug me "with no barriers." I'm flattered by his attentions as he has made it clear he is mad about me and really cares about me, which I partly find hard to believe, as usually men just seem to want me for sex, or as a stopgap 'til something better comes along. He messages me at least 3 times a day, which feels a bit excessive. I couldn't believe when he messaged me this morning to say he was considering driving down to see me on Sunday, so we could go to a restaurant and have a stroll in the park. It was the stroll in the park bit which made me decline his offer i.e said I'd made plans. He tells me he has plenty of friends i.e he isn't lonely and that we were meant to cross paths. He often tells me he feels guilty to have these feelings for me "but can't help it." He quite often assures me though that he wouldn't do anything I didn't want to. I'm in my thirties and he's in his sixties. I know I need to be more assertive, but I struggle with it. Thanks again I'm flattered by his attentions as he has made it clear he is mad about me and really cares about me, which I partly find hard to believe, as usually men just seem to want me for sex, or as a stopgap 'til something better comes along. -- What makes you think this guy is any different . . . and it's even more likely that he's just looking for sex. He made his intentions clear???? If he's showering you with promises and allusions to a future with you, it's smoke and mirrors. They tell you those things because it's not a good selling point to tell a woman he just wants to sleep with her when it's convenient for him. Don't fall for the BS. If he's serious about you, he'll sit down with his wife, tell her he's divorcing her and finish that relationship before picking up with you. The man is married. Think about his wife and put yourself in her shoes -- would you want a man to cheat on you? And, if he cheats with you, who else will he cheat with? For every rat you see, there are 50 more behind it. Implement empathy and forward thinking . . . Turn on your moral compass and use some insight and forethought about consequences and the risk/reward ratio. You're risking a ton of future hurt and pain for very little and probably short-lived reward . . .
Recommended Posts