LookAtThisPOst Posted August 20, 2016 Posted August 20, 2016 There are a few people on here that refer to it as 'settling' It's a quite overused word actually and is left up to interpretation of its own definition. 1
Leigh 87 Posted August 20, 2016 Posted August 20, 2016 Who says you have the "rip your clothes off" kind of feeling with every relationship you get into? Everyone is different. Snowflakes. The key is to identify which type of person you are. Some people DO need the "rip your clothes off" feeling. Many people don't need it and are happy with a more mild affair. There is NO right or wrong way. I know deep down that I need a great spark to date. Although I also need decent enough compatability to warrant an actual relationship. Ultimately... I am happier single than I am without the spark.
BaileyB Posted August 20, 2016 Posted August 20, 2016 I think as you mature and grow wiser, you realize that although a spark or a clique is really important, fireworks can be very deceptive. If you wait for that, you will miss out on many other people and the fireworks, may burn bright but tends to burn out. There are so many things to consider when looking for a relationship - spark being just one of them... 3
Weezy1973 Posted August 20, 2016 Posted August 20, 2016 I'm also of the mindset that spark is overrated. Sex is not overrated, but spark is. The women I've felt the most spark for, by far, were the worst partners. That's because spark is almost always caused by attributes that are completely meaningless in a longterm relationship. I've never heard someone say "oh their open, honest communication style and ability to compromise made me want to rip their clothes off!!" 2
devilish innocent Posted August 20, 2016 Posted August 20, 2016 I'm just tired of hearing from people who think that if you fall in love slowly, rather than falling in love at first sight, you're settling and not really in love. If you read the literature, you find, one, not only are these couples more likely to last. But two, these couples end up with just as much happiness, love, and affection as other couples. Of course, if feelings never develop, that's an issue. However, just because the passion takes time to develop, it doesn't mean a person isn't falling in love. 1
BaileyB Posted August 20, 2016 Posted August 20, 2016 spark is almost always caused by attributes that are completely meaningless in a longterm relationship. I've never heard someone say "oh their open, honest communication style and ability to compromise made me want to rip their clothes off!!" It does for me, lol 1
central Posted August 20, 2016 Posted August 20, 2016 I look for deep compatibility - and the desire to rip each other's clothes off! Deep compatibility - including sexually - is very important for long term success with minimal conflict. Do NOT dismiss the sexual attraction. If it's not there at first, it almost surely never will be. And does this man feel "the spark" for you? How disappointed is he going to be with the entire relationship later, when he realizes you have no such feelings for him? Yes, the spark often fades, but by then you hopefully have established a deeper romantic connection that keeps your love and sex life alive and healthy. And sometimes - like in my case - the spark has never faded, and we still lust for each other even after 16 years. Or to put it more PG, the honeymoon continues. I would never get into a relationship with a "mere" friend, or someone who checks all the boxes but does not inspire passion. The passion may fade, but it is usually the basis for establishing a long-term love.
Gaeta Posted August 20, 2016 Posted August 20, 2016 I would never get into a relationship with a "mere" friend, or someone who checks all the boxes but does not inspire passion. The passion may fade, but it is usually the basis for establishing a long-term love. It seems people are having conversations about different topics on here. Not feeling a spark at the moment of meeting does not mean accepting a life time with a friend. We are talking instant spark versus a delayed spark. A delayed spark usually shows up within a few dates or a couple of dates. We are not talking living a life with no chemistry or passion. I did not get a spark when I met my boyfriend but I got a 'spark' after a few dates. Within 3-4-5 dates I went from 'hhmmm I am not sure' to 'OMG I want to carry his babies'. If I had not given him these couple of extra dates I would still be online looking for an 'instant spark' and probably be meeting my 300th man. 2
No_Go Posted August 20, 2016 Posted August 20, 2016 But LTR IS a job! You select a person to share your home and kids with, that's a bigger responsibility than any other job that you'd have/ hire for. If it is a fling only, I'd say go for the Sparks. For a committed relationship... That's a factor, but not much more important than preference for eye or hair color. (I'm not talking to mate with physically repulsive man, just not to 'settle' for Mr Instant Sparks for his sparks;)) Sparks are a matter of familiarity - if the person reminisces you for something familiar (even image) - you feel 'sparks'. For that reason people get trapped into dating series of abusive men (eg if they had abusive dad that they associate subconsciously their dates with). Forced relationships as you describe may mean you're just breaking your own pattern of familiarity... For me, this is the only definition of not settling. Everything else in this thread sounds like settling and more like looking for a job than a romantic relationship. At the same time, I understand that most people hate being alone long term so being in a relationship makes them happier. Everyone should do what makes them happy. IMHO most of relationships that form later in life are a mix of companionship and habit so perhaps what I am looking for is unrealistic. I dunno, as long as there are times at the start of dating someone when you think "I am not that into this but maybe I should give it X more dates", it already is forced. When there is mutual, natural chemistry, this shouldn't even enter your mind. 2
SunBird Posted August 20, 2016 Posted August 20, 2016 Does anyone else follow Alain du Botton? He has some fascinating theories on romanticism and how we have become stuck though a movement of literature that blinds us to reality. I am not saying there isn't a place for romance, I am a very romantic person, but he has a really interesting angle on where were all get caught up. It can be a helpful angle if you are someone who craves a spark and isn't sure if they are picking the right partners for the right reasons. Here is one of his talks:
Dis Posted August 20, 2016 Posted August 20, 2016 I have two different experiences when I didnt feel sparks with guys Guy #1-Didnt feel a spark but was attracted to him, ended up liking him but nothing over the top. We became exclusive...the sex was bad!!! I mean...he was like a cold robot in bed, no rythm....nothing Guy #2-Didnt feel the spark but I gave it some time...quite awhile... and boom! Fireworks when he kissed me It didnt work out with either guy for lots of reasons, one being I just wasnt in the right place to date...so just make sure you're ready. You mentioned your last breakup was tough so if you're not 100% healed from that...maybe that is whats causing you to second guess this guy I've learned its a bad idea to date with the purpose of finding a man who makes you feel that spark in the very beginning. But I also feel that after some time has passed...you've gotten to know each other on a deeper level....and you've given him a fair chance but you still dont feel that weak in the knees feeling at all...maybe its time to move on The initial spark doesnt really matter. Its what a man eventually evokes in your soul, heart, mind and body
preraph Posted August 21, 2016 Posted August 21, 2016 I have to say I'd have no reason to want a man with whom I didn't at least have a big spark initially. yes, you can lose the spark, but sometimes having had the spark makes you able years later to remember him as a conglomerate of the man now and the one you fell in love with. I don't want a companion bad enough to not have spark. I like dogs, so I'm good where that is concerned.
Recommended Posts