Am I asking too much of my GF?

[Ocino]

It's so hard framing this issue right and presenting an accurate picture, but this is the best I can do.

 

I'm in a long distance relationship. I'm 30 she's 28. The girl I'm dating is extremely busy, working for a top international firm in Africa as an intern and her hours are insane.

 

As far as contact goes, she calls me from time to time after work and we'll talk for 5 to 10 minutes before she passes out in bed. Apart from that we text on google hangouts throughout the day, almost daily.

 

The problem I have is this: We've established a daily communication pattern, but there will be some days when we have no contact at all, where she won't even reach out to me or respond to my messages. This can go for like 48 hours sometimes. I have trouble dealing with the inconsistency.

 

When we first started dating she was incredibly into me, texting me every day, calling me a lot. Then one day it stopped. I simply took it as the novelty wearing off. But it turned out she was actually losing interest, and she ended up going so cold on me that I had to break things off. So actually her lack of communication corresponded with her lack of interest. It made me insecure and it actually happened a second time around when we tried again.

 

Additionally she has this undeniable habit of getting in a bad mood and not wanting to talk to anyone. She's one of these people who really needs space sometimes. She's incredibly independent and practical minded and not a very touchy feely type. So she doesn't always need that constant correspondence, yet at the same time, when she is in the mood to talk, she'll be messaging me all day, she'll even be the one to nag me when I go an hour or so without responding to her messages. But it's random and I never know when to expect it, I never know when all of a sudden she's going to disappear.

 

So this is what I'm asking her. I understand that she needs space from time to time. I understand that she's incredibly busy. But for example, say she gets home from a long day at work and she hasn't responded to a message I've sent all day, can she not at least text me something like "hey, long day, I'm just gonna crash," so I know what's going on? Or how about if she wants some space for a while can she not message me "hey, I need a little bit of space right now." She went dark two days ago, I had no idea why, then two days later I get a message saying "hey, I'm in South Africa." I had absolutely no idea she was even going to South Africa. Why couldn't she tell me "hey I'm gonna be traveling so I might not be available for a few days."

 

Recently I've been on her case about this communication issue I have. She told me she's so busy and her internet isn't always accessible. She explained that she's very scatter brained and she can't always establish that regular time to talk. And that is true. She is super successful but incredibly disorganized. And to all this I say ok, but can you at least try? Can she try to keep me in the loop a little more? I don't expect perfection.

 

She admits that she hasn't been fair to me in the past with how she's treated me, she's expressed remorse and said she wants me to trust her this time that she is actually interested in meeting my needs and not only her own self interests. She's seriously looking at me as the person she wants to marry if we can arrange to live in the same city, but I really really have a hard time dealing with the sporadic communication. I work a lot and dont have many friends and talking with her makes me feel happier. Yet I am can incredibly flexible if I have that security and understanding.

 

And the greater issue is this, if we can't find common ground with this communication issue, if I can't get her to meet this need I have or at least try, that concerns me for the remainder of our relationship. I am not a demanding person. I rarely ask for anything and I am quite giving. She's not that way. I wonder if she's the type of person who just can't bring herself to do anything for anyone if it's not on her terms. This is something I've asked her for and I can't tell if it's unreasonable, or if I'm just trying to gain power and get her to do something for me that maybe I don't really need. I'm just frustrated with the whole thing.

Edited August 19, 2016 by Ocino

[PegNosePete]

LDR, huh.

 

How long have you been "together"?

 

How many times have you met in RL, or how frequently do you meet in RL?

 

What positive steps are you both taking to be together in real life?

[losangelena]

The only thing you can do, after expressing your communication needs/wants is deciding if what she is doing is enough for you. You can't force her to communicate a certain way. If she's not giving you what you need, you can say goodbye.

 

And fwiw, she's 28, she's a woman, not a "girl."

[Ocino]

LDR, huh.

 

How long have you been "together"?

 

How many times have you met in RL, or how frequently do you meet in RL?

 

What positive steps are you both taking to be together in real life?

 

We became official last June in the same city. Turned long distance in August. Broke up in October. Started talking in November. Separated in January. There were visits mixed in, but ever since January we've been talking sporadically with the more frequent communication pattern established about a month ago. She's been friends with my brother for years though and is well known by my family.

 

She's getting her MBA from an IVY league school so she'll be back in the US in Sept. Different city than me but it's her final year. First she was going to take the whole year off and move back to my city so we could be together. Both her father and myself told her this was a bad idea, so now she's going to do a semester and she's planning to take the second semester off and move back to my city. But it's very tentative.

 

If that falls through it may be almost a year before we can actually live in the same place, but we could see each other about once a month in the meantime.

[Ocino]

The only thing you can do, after expressing your communication needs/wants is deciding if what she is doing is enough for you. You can't force her to communicate a certain way. If she's not giving you what you need, you can say goodbye.

 

What I want to know is if what Im asking for seems reasonable. I have needs, sure, but I'm willing to listen to sound logic and adjust if a differing opinion makes sense. I am open minded.

[PegNosePete]

Wow, what a train wreck. 2 break ups in a year. It doesn't sound as though this is going anywhere, you're just wasting your time here.

 

What you're suggesting might be reasonable but it isn't really sensible. She is showing you loudly with her actions that she is totally uncommitted to you or your relationship. If she really thought you were "the one" and wanted to get married then she certainly wouldn't ignore you so much. In fact it sounds like she has a regular RL BF and you're just the bit on the side.....

[Larryville]

Recently I've been on her case about this communication issue I have.

 

The girl I'm dating is extremely busy, working for a top international firm in Africa as an intern and her hours are insane.

 

Always makes me wonder why people bother. As PNP asked do you even get to see one another and if NOT again why bother?

 

Frankly people who clearly give a damn will make time. Distance has nothing to do with it although I have never understood the logic of LDR’s anyway.

 

I’ve dated someone who literally lived 2 driving minutes (depending on light length) from me.

 

She was part owner of a large business, activity/education director of her church, big time volunteer in the city (she even won a prestigious award for her efforts), worked (volunteered) at a downtown store that gives to the less fortunate overseas. Watched her grandkids on Wednesdays, took them to games on Saturday, went to church EVERY Sunday…

 

My point, I adored this woman and who and what she was and what she did but as awesome as she was saw writing on the wall. I would always be a small piece of her life pie. You have to ask yourself is that ok with you?

 

You clearly have a deeper issue because you posted here about it. Not a hard question to answer unless you feel deep down you don’t have options. Don't freaking waste time, find someone close more compatible.

[preraph]

I think you're assuming the internet outages are not real. She's in third-world countries. Of course, there's no internet a lot of places. When she finally gets it, she probably needs to spend her time contacting her employer since they're paying her. Hey, I'm in Texas and when I make a trip to Oklahoma, there's places right on the main interstates where there is no signal. And out in the country anywhere, there likely is no signal.

 

Plus, I got to tell you, she's not interested in playing footsie with you via text or phone. It only adds to her burden of getting everything done and having some down time. Traveling is brutal.

 

I'm someone who has to have space and most of my friends are too, except one. If you need someone who always has time to talk, you should find someone more suitable, someone without a big job, and then don't ever have kids....

[sandylee1]

Even if the Internet isn't working she can text you. Unless she's in a remote village cell phone coverage is not that big of an issue.

 

How much time have you spent outside a LDR with her?

 

You've not got off to the best of starts with her and I do wonder if she's that into you.

 

Try not texting or calling or emailing her and see how long it is till she reaches out to you. Then decide if that's good enough.

 

You guys are nowhere near marriage and the communication issue is a big deal.

It was one of the reasons my brother cited when getting divorced. His Ex didn't return texts or missed calls and he interpreted this as not being loved, respected or valued.

[preraph]

Not every place is on the grid.

[BaileyB]

Of course, it's not too much to expect to talk with the person you are dating every day... Even if it is just a short text or email.

 

However, people who are interested and invested in a relationship, make time to talk and connect with their partner. I would guess that she is very busy and engaged in her life, and your relationship may not be as important to her as it is to you. Sorry

[Amelie1980]

Not every place is on the grid.

 

She is in a top international firm in South Africa. At a guess Cape Town or Johannesburg, but more likely in Cape Town. A top firm wont be in a remote village.

 

A friend of mine lived in Cape Town for two years. Facebook, skype, email, whatsapp, it all works there. I had no issue being in touch with someone in South Africa.

[sandylee1]

If its a main city in South Africa there will be Internet connection. I frequently have a friend who skypes from SA.

 

The thing is she wasn't overly keen before she went over there hence your 2 break ups. This relationship doesn't look like it will survive TBH.

[Ocino]

Well perhaps I should clarify. I called her my GF, but guess I really should call her my ex. And when I say we are in a long distance relationship, as I mentioned in my second post, we aren't official, but I'm not dating anyone else. I was dating a few months ago and actually saw someone IRL for 5 months (which my ex knew about), but that ended about a month ago. My ex has been single this whole time but definitely been on several dates, actively looking, and she told me about a guy who wanted to be her BF, but she said no. (No she doesn't have a regular BF, that's a really dangerous thing to suggest) Now her and I talking again and considering getting back together and eliminating long distance at some point within a year.

 

Sorry for the confusion.

 

The reason for our breakups in the beginning were largely due to the fact that she was my first GF. I was completely inexperienced. At the age of 29 I had never even kissed a girl and had essentially no friends. I just had horrible social anxiety, and was working an hourly job making little money. She was a corporate superstar, experienced dater, many friends, but left the workforce and is currently getting her MBA from Stanford. After a few months trying things with me she lost interest, as almost anyone would. I could barely hold a conversation.

 

Over the past year I have been seeing a therapist for my anxiety and coming out of my shell and improving my social skills. I have landed a pretty awesome job in a hospital with a good salary and executive level career prospects. I have my life together and have grown quite a bit. I began this self improvement right before I started dating her, but she was there at the beginning stages.

 

I have fondness for her because, while she was not the reason for my growth, she was very patient and helpful with me when I started. She is a frighteningly brilliant girl. Probably a genius. Her ambition motivates me to better myself. She is very introverted like I am and seems to be fine with some of the weird quirks I have that make most people uncomfortable. She is from the same African country that I am from, and I'm sorry, but being an African minority in America totally limits your options in terms of serious dating, especially in my smallish city. So yeah maybe I don't have many options other than casually dating girls who find me hot (of which there are quite a few, but they only seem to want sex). It seems like a waste to throw something away that I feel has great potential.

 

And someone asked if I'm ok with seeing a girl who has a million things going on in their life and fitting in as a smaller part. That's actually what I'm looking for. I like women who are super ambitious and independent. I do very solitary activities (reading, writing, piano, films) and don't need a ton of attention. However all I'm wondering is whether there can be any compromise on how she goes about communicating with me. In that department I do need a little more. I need consistency and reliability. And if things don't improve, I may have to just quit.

 

And I'm always going to say girl, sorry if it offends anyone.

As far as I'm considered it goes like this:

Boy = Girl

Guy = Girl

Man = Woman

I'm 30. I'm a guy. She's 28. She's a girl.

Let me know when there's a hip adult term for girl.

[Ocino]

She's in South Africa for the weekend. Going to Kenya in a few days and then Zanzibar, but her job is based in Nigeria for the summer.

[Amelie1980]

Lagos then?

No issue with being off grid.

[Ocino]

Lagos then?

No issue with being off grid.

 

Yep Lagos. And I agree. I feel like no matter how busy she is she could at least hit me up one time to keep me in the loop during the day. And it's not like I spam her. However it's normal for 36 or 48 hours to pass before she gets back to me sometimes. Then she'll just call me out of the blue like nothing's wrong. Sometimes she'll even act shocked that I'm upset, and she'll make it out like she physically couldn't get to her computer in that time frame to read my message. We communicate via google hangouts though and she uses that from her computer when she's in her apartment. She rarely uses her phone because it's a work phone, so there is a smaller window of time for her. But I just think it's possible.

 

I don't know. I'm just having trouble dealing with the randomness. But at the same time I dont want to keep going back and forth with her about this.

[BlueIris]

People with big jobs and ambitions aren’t likely to be as available and relationship-oriented as you seem to be, or want of her.

 

Are you similarly ambitious? Similar career trajectory?

 

… She's getting her MBA from an IVY league school so she'll be back in the US in Sept. Different city than me but it's her final year. First she was going to take the whole year off and move back to my city so we could be together. Both her father and myself told her this was a bad idea, so now she's going to do a semester and she's planning to take the second semester off and move back to my city. But it's very tentative.

 

If that falls through it may be almost a year before we can actually live in the same place, but we could see each other about once a month in the meantime.

 

Are you considering moving to her? That’s what my son in law did re my daughter.

 

Also, taking off a semester to be with your boyfriend doesn't fit your description of her and the program she's in.

[Ocino]

People with big jobs and ambitions aren’t likely to be as available and relationship-oriented as you seem to be, or want of her.

 

Are you similarly ambitious? Similar career trajectory?

 

Are you considering moving to her? That’s what my son in law did re my daughter.

 

Also, taking off a semester to be with your boyfriend doesn't fit your description of her and the program she's in.

 

I've considered moving to be with her in the past but right now we've both agreed, since I've just started my job, that I should stay where I am and gain experience. That's going to take at least six months to a year. I have a really great and rare opportunity, given my limited professional background. I'm not incredibly ambitious, but the job I've landed has put me in a prime position to advance and gain a lot of project management skills and become a top level hospital executive, and I find it quite stimulating. I also have side hobbies that I hope to make marketable.

 

Her ambitions are as high as they get though, and she's been at it for a while. I'm just getting started.

 

Re: taking a year off. She would be taking a year/semester off to work on a business venture of hers which she says she can do from pretty much anywhere. So she wouldn't be doing nothing. I have no idea how it fits in with her academic obligations, but I have no reason to believe it's not something she's allowed to do.

 

You're right though. It does not fit her style. In fact she told me as such. She said ordinarily she would just say forget it and drop the relationship and do her thing, but she told me in this instance "It's the first time I've ever had to consider someone else's needs before mine."

 

I'm inclined to think she wants to at least believe this. She says she's under pressure to get married from her family for one, and also because the "clock's ticking" and her "eggs are getting old." I asked her once why she doesn't date some classmate or colleague who shares her ambitious spirit. She says she doesn't like guys like that.

 

It's interesting that you say I want her to be more available and relationship oriented. To me all I want is a more routine pattern of communication as opposed to randomness, and I feel like I can handle lack of availability. But maybe I'm betraying some desire for a fuller presence in our relationship? I don't know. I do know I would like more security.

Edited August 20, 2016 by Ocino

[LadyLike30]

This ambitious "genius" is going to skip a year/semester of her final year in an ivy league school to do a "business venture" and move to be near you - even though your "relationship" has barely been of you two in the same zip code for more than a month or so and nothing but a bunch of texting (that lasts about 5-10 minutes before she sleeps) and, she barley maintains communication with you.

 

Yet, she's ready to make time for you (who barely has his own job/career) over other guys who share her ambitions?

 

Maybe some guys can chime in on their experiences in marrying the first girl who showed them attention?

 

I mean, you know nothing about this "trick", and she knows nothing about you - besides that she's a girl who at one point showed you attention when other girls weren't?

 

She looks like she's looking for a "pet", not a "man" and can smell desperation from a mile.

 

Ambitious women either want someone at their level or someone they can control. You appear to be the latter.

[Ocino]

This ambitious "genius" is going to skip a year/semester of her final year in an ivy league school to do a "business venture" and move to be near you - even though your "relationship" has barely been of you two in the same zip code for more than a month or so and nothing but a bunch of texting (that lasts about 5-10 minutes before she sleeps) and, she barley maintains communication with you.

 

Yet, she's ready to make time for you (who barely has his own job/career) over other guys who share her ambitions?

 

Maybe some guys can chime in on their experiences in marrying the first girl who showed them attention?

 

I mean, you know nothing about this "trick", and she knows nothing about you - besides that she's a girl who at one point showed you attention when other girls weren't?

 

She looks like she's looking for a "pet", not a "man" and can smell desperation from a mile.

 

Ambitious women either want someone at their level or someone they can control. You appear to be the latter.

 

Well that is quite sobering. And yes I've always been worried about that.

 

But she's been close friends/work colleagues with my brother for years before she met me and she also has a consulting relationship with my father. So she's not a complete stranger. At least not to my family.

 

As for being controllable. Yes, in the beginning I let her walk all over me. I was definitely under her spell and totally desperate and inexperienced. I admit this. She had me at the palm of her hand, and then she got bored it seemed. She even told me in January that she felt she was steamrolling all over me and she didn't like it. However ever since we broke up in January, many times we got back in touch there have been contests with me actually asserting myself and calling her out on an issue I had and arguing about it, without backing down.

 

I mean what's the point of constantly submitting to her when that will lead to a breakup anyway? At least if we break up with a fight I don't leave anything unsaid.

 

She even went as far as calling me a "douchebag" when I told her something she was doing was disrespectful. And it was evident that my "douchebaggery" was the result of me playing less of a doormat, and she's recognized this. I've sent her some pretty nasty messages and I'm not afraid to tell her when she's bothering me. I do like the fact that she likes to take control to an extent, but I also see the importance of having a say, I'm opinionated too, and if I'm convinced my needs are not being met I'm not going to stay in the relationship. At the same time I don't want to overdo it. I'm trying to establish a balance. Is it not possible to be aware of the pitfalls of this common circumstance and try to work against those? I'm genuinely asking.

 

As for her moving to be with me. I too am of the "I'll believe it when I see it" mindset. But it's a possibility. My city is where she lived before she went off to school and the company that she worked for is based here, and is the same company she is trying to get to be a partner with her business. If she does it would be a sign of commitment. I'm not traveling to see her this semester and I've told her that. I'm still open to the possibility of dating other women, but ever since my time with the other girl I was seeing ended (she ended it), I've been talking to my ex pretty exclusively. Just haven't been in the mood to go on dates for the time being. Maybe I will in a few months, but this is a decision that I alone am making. My ex has nothing to do with it.

 

So that's where I stand.

 

Also I don't get why the response have to such hostile undertones, or am I being too sensitive? Im just asking for help. Clearly I'm not a professional at this.

Edited August 20, 2016 by Ocino

[LadyLike30]

If you just broke up, maybe you need a break. Sounds like your going back to this ex out of loneliness.

 

Her moving near you as a sign of commitment? Ok, let her move near you, get her own place, do her little business venture ON HER OWN and you two "date" (not living together) for one to two years before you even propose.

 

You two never even dated and after treating you like an afterthought she's ready to jump all in and work towards marrying you cuz her eggs are getting old? What "ambitious" woman in her 20s drops an ivy league education and goals to get married to some guy she hasn't even given a decent time of day?

 

First girlfriend? You don't marry them, you do them and dump them. Oh, so I'm going to stay working at Burger King because it was my first job ever? This ain't the 50s where people didn't have options. And, if you think you don't have options, then yea, settle for mean, overweight, ugly and/or controlling just because he or she winked at you.

[BlueIris]

I've considered moving to be with her in the past but right now we've both agreed, since I've just started my job, that I should stay where I am and gain experience. That's going to take at least six months to a year. I have a really great and rare opportunity, given my limited professional background. I'm not incredibly ambitious, but the job I've landed has put me in a prime position to advance and gain a lot of project management skills and become a top level hospital executive, and I find it quite stimulating. I also have side hobbies that I hope to make marketable.

 

Her ambitions are as high as they get though, and she's been at it for a while. I'm just getting started.

 

Re: taking a year off. She would be taking a year/semester off to work on a business venture of hers which she says she can do from pretty much anywhere. So she wouldn't be doing nothing. I have no idea how it fits in with her academic obligations, but I have no reason to believe it's not something she's allowed to do.

 

You're right though. It does not fit her style. In fact she told me as such. She said ordinarily she would just say forget it and drop the relationship and do her thing, but she told me in this instance "It's the first time I've ever had to consider someone else's needs before mine."

 

I'm inclined to think she wants to at least believe this. She says she's under pressure to get married from her family for one, and also because the "clock's ticking" and her "eggs are getting old." I asked her once why she doesn't date some classmate or colleague who shares her ambitious spirit. She says she doesn't like guys like that.

 

It's interesting that you say I want her to be more available and relationship oriented. To me all I want is a more routine pattern of communication as opposed to randomness, and I feel like I can handle lack of availability. But maybe I'm betraying some desire for a fuller presence in our relationship? I don't know. I do know I would like more security.

 

I hope that she stays nimble and focused on career at this stage. Opportunities that arise through her program will be tremendous and she should take advantage of them.

I don't know about the insecurity or presence because at this stage I would assume that neither of you is putting career second to relationship. I think you each need to understand that about the other and be supportive, #1 cheerleader for each other if you're going to end up together long term.