Pinky1986 Posted August 19, 2016 Posted August 19, 2016 Hi All, I'm new here so i thought i will give it a go! i'm 30 years old and have been dating my bf(29), for nearly 3 years, we have been living together for 1. Everything was going well until his old colleague messaged him as she was in the country (she works abroad but goes back and forth a few times a year)to meet up. Since the catch up i noticed they were messaging each other on SnapChat, and then he had left facebook open on my computer and without realising that he was logged in as himself i saw that he's been viewing her profile constantly. I confronted him and asked if he fancies her or if anything is going on and he said no that they are just friends and nothing has happened in the past cause they were both dating (this is before my time). Snapchat has died down cause i said i didnt feel comfortable he's messaging her so much but i still feel like something is not right (or it could just be i'm super jealous?). Anyways, my friends have all started to get married and i'm at the point in life where i dont want to waste my time with some guy who's not worth it and even though we have started talking a bit more about our future together(buying a home for us in a couple of years time etc) i'm starting to wonder if he's actually worth it? I just dont want to be strung along and then she comes back to the country (which might happen soon - who knows) and having invested in this relationship so much him saying goodbye! Should I bring up the situation up again in convo? On another note: An really old crush just contacted me and I have been ignoring his messages as i'm sure he has noticed i'm in a relationship and i dont want to jeopardise it but with everything thats been going on im wondering if i should keep my options open?? (i know really bad but my self esteem is ****e right now - wouldnt have thought of it if things were going ok!) Sorry for the long post but thanks in advance!
PegNosePete Posted August 19, 2016 Posted August 19, 2016 he had left facebook open on my computer and without realising that he was logged in as himself i saw that he's been viewing her profile constantly Constantly? How do you know he's been viewing her profile "constantly"? As far as I am aware facebook doesn't keep a count or a timer of how often or for how long you visit someone's profile. It's pretty difficult to figure out that stuff "without realising". The only way to know that would be if you went through his internet history. I'm not criticising: many, many affairs are uncovered by snooping. But if you have been snooping then you should be up front about it rather than playing the "I accidentally saw it" card. It seems you don't trust your BF. And yes, he is acting untrustworthy so your distrust is justified. Now maybe they really are just friends and maybe not, but either way he is not acting in a way to reassure you or give you confidence in him. Have you met this woman? Did he invite you along when he went to meet her?
Toodaloo Posted August 19, 2016 Posted August 19, 2016 I don't think you two are in love. You are the girl he dates before the one he marries and he is the guy you date before the one you marry. I think you need to sit down and have a very honest (but polite) discussion. I suggest that you tell him what you are thinking and ask him to think about it for a while and come back and let you know what his thoughts are. Be careful taht you do not just list his faults as this is a two sided thing. I don't think you two will last. Neither of you seem to be all that bothered about the other. You can either split up not harm no foul and move on or The pair of you can put some effort into your relationship and help each other feel loved, wanted and cherished again. 1
Author Pinky1986 Posted August 19, 2016 Author Posted August 19, 2016 Constantly? How do you know he's been viewing her profile "constantly"? As far as I am aware facebook doesn't keep a count or a timer of how often or for how long you visit someone's profile. It's pretty difficult to figure out that stuff "without realising". The only way to know that would be if you went through his internet history. I'm not criticising: many, many affairs are uncovered by snooping. But if you have been snooping then you should be up front about it rather than playing the "I accidentally saw it" card. It seems you don't trust your BF. And yes, he is acting untrustworthy so your distrust is justified. Now maybe they really are just friends and maybe not, but either way he is not acting in a way to reassure you or give you confidence in him. Have you met this woman? Did he invite you along when he went to meet her? I went on fb and went on the search button cause I wanted to go on a page - when i went on search it automatically had a drop down of recent viewed profiles. Once I saw her name on top of the list - that's when i snooped.. Go to 'Edit' and it takes you to the Activity Log. (not my proudest moment )
Author Pinky1986 Posted August 19, 2016 Author Posted August 19, 2016 I don't think you two are in love. You are the girl he dates before the one he marries and he is the guy you date before the one you marry. I think you need to sit down and have a very honest (but polite) discussion. I suggest that you tell him what you are thinking and ask him to think about it for a while and come back and let you know what his thoughts are. Be careful taht you do not just list his faults as this is a two sided thing. I don't think you two will last. Neither of you seem to be all that bothered about the other. You can either split up not harm no foul and move on or The pair of you can put some effort into your relationship and help each other feel loved, wanted and cherished again. I wouldn't say I am not bothered - I am an emotional wreck but i'm trying to be as rational as I can about it and not make any irrational decisions at the moment. I do love him and do see/want a future with him but i'm also trying to see if his actions are even worth fighting for - what he tells me (he loves me, sees a future with me) is contrasting with his actions - i'm so confused. I have brought up this girl in conversations quite a few times as it bothers me so much but he still seems to be interested in her but says he wouldn't be living with me making plans with me if he wanted to break up with me?
Toodaloo Posted August 19, 2016 Posted August 19, 2016 I wouldn't say I am not bothered - I am an emotional wreck but i'm trying to be as rational as I can about it and not make any irrational decisions at the moment. I do love him and do see/want a future with him but i'm also trying to see if his actions are even worth fighting for - what he tells me (he loves me, sees a future with me) is contrasting with his actions - i'm so confused. I have brought up this girl in conversations quite a few times as it bothers me so much but he still seems to be interested in her but says he wouldn't be living with me making plans with me if he wanted to break up with me? Pinky I think you need to go about this differently. I think you need to go and do something for yourself, a fitness class or dance lessons or something like that where you are being energetic and it makes you feel good. This really does sound like complacency to me. He needs to learn how to "value" you again. So a gentle reminder that you are hot, sexy and a worth while catch wouldn't go a miss. If you keep bringing up this girl and get the same response then stop. But equally only give him attention when he is behaving. So if he starts facebooking her or texting, go off and do your thing. If he pays you attention make sure you do the same. Do you know what "love languages" are? If not google and see if you can figure out what his is. 1
Weezy1973 Posted August 19, 2016 Posted August 19, 2016 If he's not acknowledging your concerns or tries to dismiss them or tries painting you as the problem (ex. being unreasonably jealous), then there is a much greater issue. Unlike what Toodaloo says, you should never have to compete for the love of your partner. You should always feel safe and secure in your relationship and right now you don't. If he is not even wanting to change his actions to help make you feel safe and secure, then that's a huge flag. Not that he's necessarily interested in another woman, but that he doesn't care much about your feelings.
Lei Ping Posted August 20, 2016 Posted August 20, 2016 Sometimes, when it feels like it's going downhill, it's because it's actually going downhill and you've got most of your adult life ahead of you. Time to step into your future.
Gloria25 Posted August 20, 2016 Posted August 20, 2016 Ok, on his next Snapchat then you should be on there. I mean, if whatever he has with her is so platonic and whatever - then if he's dating you and you're his woman, then why not introduce you two? This guy is an A-hat. It's one thing to be "friendly" with an ex (i.e. walking down the street, you say "Hi" and have the small "hey, how's it going" chit-chat), but he's not doing that. She's an active part of his life - to the point that she does't know you exist. If she's just a friend, then she would have known about you. Living together for 3 yrs? This thread goes to show that shacking up is no sign of commitment and it actually makes the other person take you for granted. Married people live together. The fact that his ex has no idea of your existence and you two live together isn't good. Pack your bags and move out so he can have all the free Facetime with his ex. There's nothing to be saved here. He's taken you for granted. By three years he should know if he wants to marry you or not.
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