Should I wait for him or move on?

[Amelie1980]

*I never said that I wanted to wait for him, I simply asked a question and then y'all insulted me for asking *others* for alternate opinions*.

 

I'm sorry you've had ****ty experiences that have led yall to wasting time on pointless situations but that doesn't mean it's just completely "common sense" to me, and yes, that offended me. Just leave me alone.

 

There are NO alternate opinions to be had.

 

He has told you to your face that he doesnt want a relationship with you as he wants his ex back and would have her if she came back.

 

What alternative opinion is there? What else can we add. He has told you what the deal is.

 

It isnt sour grapes on our part. The situation is obvious to everyone who has read your thread.

[nothingsintheflowerz]

And Redhead had cleared it up nicely as the first person to respond to that, then the dramatics from you others came. Get a life.

[preraph]

We're telling you to move on . . . there are no theories that support waiting for a man -- ever.

 

Well,except military or going through a crisis, something like that. But usually, the answer to "should I wait" is no because if you will wait, they'll let you wait. If you won't, they'll either bail so you wasted less time on them or they'll treat you better if they care.

[nothingsintheflowerz]

*and I never disputed that after I asked the question*.

[Amelie1980]

And Redhead had cleared it up nicely as the first person to respond to that, then the dramatics from you others came. Get a life.

 

Same to you.

 

Get a life.

 

You're at college. You're young. But you are considering waiting for a man who doesnt want you instead of living your own life.

 

I can see now with your terrible attitude and rudeness why this guy doesnt want to be with you.

[nothingsintheflowerz]

HAHAHA, *whimpers*, what a low blow. I'll go cry myself to sleep now.

[preraph]

Well, let's not all go ballistic on the OP. She's very young and a lot of young people (and some idealistic old ones) still really believe that there's one right person that they're destined to be with, and that person is usually perceived to be the one they caught feelings for. It's hard to accept that intense feelings are probably more often then not, not returned and that they instead have feeling for someone else.

 

It is a sad day in a young woman's life when she first has to face that reality, that the person she has feelings for isn't who she hoped he was. At her age and even older, many women think that even if the guy is married (this one isn't), that he and the spouse couldn't possibly have ever had what she feels she has with him and think someone seeming like a soulmate is just more important than whoever he loved before. There's some harsh realities out there that convert sweet young carefree women cheerily wearing their hearts on their sleeve into guarded smart women some men perceive as having baggage. It's just life.

 

My last bit of advice is that you are so young and probably at or near the height of your desireability to men, so please do not even consider waiting for one or wasting your time on one who isn't treating you well (not saying that's the case here). Because there are a billion men in the world, and there's just no reason to accept any old one that comes along. This is the age when you can really pick and choose a nice one who treats you well and loves you back, so don't settle for less. And I'm sorry you're going through this. We all have, so you're not alone. Good luck.

[pidgeon1010]

OP don't wait for him. Focus on his words and actions as they are lining up. He has told you he still has feelings for his ex and it doesn't seem like he is looking to take you out of the friend zone. He claims he wants to wait for sex but I wouldn't be surprised if you get fast-tacked into a friends with benefits situation.

 

The people who told you to wait because he likes you an/or has been hurt before and is protecting himself are doing you a disservice. He has communicated his feelings to you. He knows himself better than they do. When a guy tells you to your face that he still has feelings for his ex and would more than likely go back to her if he were to get the chance, BELIEVE HIM. Very few women would stick around if a guy told them that and I am sure he knows that but said it all the same, meaning he is ready to let you go. I realize you're young and are bound to make mistakes but maybe these words will resonate with you:

 

In life we have to be responsible and accountable for our own actions and decisions and when you decide to passively participate in life, often you end up victimized. In the end, there’s no one to blame because you made that co-dependent decision (your decision “depended” upon someone else’s decision, instead of your own), you made the choice for it to be that way.

 

If, however, you responsibly make a different choice and you chose to proactively participate in life, often you end up feeling in control, feeling as if the world is your oyster. In the end, YOU are the one that is responsible for all the blessings that the universe bestows upon you for your wisdom and strength in making that independent decision for yourself.

 

Start to look at the world as your oyster ladies, and the men in your life as your kingdom. Instead of passively sitting and waiting, waiting, waiting for men to “pick” you, for THEM to make a decision about YOU – choose to take full advantage of all that life has to offer and of all that being a single, independent modern woman has to offer and instead, YOU make a decision about the MAN. You “pick” your man.

 

You have the power to do that. You have say-so in the matter. You are free to make your own decisions for yourself and you are empowered by your independence to do so.

 

Here’s What You DON’T Have The Power To Do:

 

 

Make a man love you.

Make a man want to enter into a relationship with you.

Make a man date you and court you in the manner you prefer.

Make a guy get his act together (i.e. remove other women from it).

Control the speed at which the relationship progresses (or whether or not it progresses at all).

 

Here’s What You DO Have the Power To Do:

 

 

Walk away from situations and people that do not make you happy, that make you feel used, and that do not care to fulfill your needs.

Be proactive about finding what it is that you want, what will make you happy, a man that wants the same things as you do and one that’s willing to fulfill your needs.

[introverted1]

Okay, FIRST of all, I *am* a young teenager--ive just entered college. Second of all, you do not need to make personal attacks on my experience level. If it was common ****ing sense I wouldn't be on a thread asking for advice.

 

Young teen = 13 - 14

 

Entering college = 18-ish

 

Assuming you mean the latter.

 

Either way, it should be common sense not to accept behavior that leaves you insecure or guessing.

 

Plus, when someone tells you they are not ready, believe them. A guy who is into you will not have you doubting his intentions.

[nothingsintheflowerz]

-_- Okay, introverted, I'm sorry that not everyone has had the experiences you have had. Just leave me alone. Thank you, the last two posters. I really appreciate your advice. Though it is the same, it's respectful and isn't ridiculing me. I just messaged him to be indefinite friends and for me, that really means walking out of his life immediately. Thank you guys <3

[preraph]

Sorry. Know you're sad, but I'm glad you pulled the plug. Not that you asked, but the best way to get past it the quickest is do some crying, but then immediately make plans with friends. Start scheduling yourself pretty heavily and don't wait for others to do it. Ask them and if they can't, then go do something you love. The idea is to remind yourself life is fun with or without him and to distract you from focusing on him. Good luck. Hope you hit the jackpot next time.

[nothingsintheflowerz]

Thank you <3

[sandylee1]

Move on.

 

Never date a man who is really still keen on his Ex.

[Lois_Griffin]

He "isn't over his ex".

 

Yes, the age old line.

 

It began on the fourth of July when we began to message one another through a mutual friend. We had a date to the movies (he paid) and I ended up sleeping over, spending a day in the city with him, and spending an entire next weekend with him. During that time he paid for everything, acknowledged that we were going on actual dates, called me babygirl, kissed me on the forehead and held my hand in public, and generally acted like he cared about me.

 

Now, a few days ago, after we had been talking every day, He asks me what I consider us to be. I tell him "idk? Do you want to be official?"

 

He then hit me with the,"I'm not over my ex" despite telling me a few weeks earlier that they argued all the time and that "he didn't think she was the right person". He said that he thinks I'm a "really dope person" and would date me, but doesn't want to hurt me because "he'd consider getting back with her" even though "he doesn't want to date her but still thinks about her".

 

He then said that we could still "do cute things like go on dates and hang out" but that "we shouldn't have sex for a while tbh." That didn't make sense to me because he had claimed that he thought we were just hooking up (bullsh--t in my opinion bc he had acknowledged the dates) a few seconds earlier.

 

When I asked him if there was a chance at all, not asked but stated that there wasn't, He said "of course there is". Now, the kicker is that just the day before, He found out that she had unfriended him; I believe this left him hurt, as they had been civil to one another and had decided to be distant friends before she suddenly unfriended him. I am told by a mutual friend that it seems that he actually really cares about me, and by another who knows him quite well that she "thinks he's scared". I told him, I give him pretty much a month to figure it out and I in fact do not want to be friends with him if he decides he wants to get back with his ex. He's still sending mixed signals, like hearts and kissy faces.

 

Should I wait for him?

Is he playing me?

And why on earth, if he only saw me as a hookup, would he be comfortable with actually going on dates with me but *not* having sex with me?

 

Thanks in advance y'all; I'm getting really sick of the runaround

Good lord, this dope can't even get his lies straight.

 

You're basically Plan B. He's told you to expect NOTHING, yet he makes sure to keep you interested JUST enough so you don't completely dump him.

 

Don't be anyone's option.

 

I didn't read the whole thread but see here at the end that you dumped him. Good for you.

 

Expect a lot more of the same douche-bag behavior from other guys, since you're dating in the 19-22 year old age range.

[Lois_Griffin]

Can you stop generalizing men? I can play that game too. How about I say Jersey girls are stupid? Doesn't sound nice does it?

LOL. Get a grip.

 

I've dealt with 'blond' jokes for years and amazingly enough, I've managed to live to tell the tale. You don't see me whining and crying into my beer about all blonds being discriminated against. Take a pill for God's sakes.

[nothingsintheflowerz]

The more I read this the more it's clicking with me

[Redhead14]

And I *have* gotten advice about waiting from others in real life who know more about him, so when I ask I'm not SAYING I want to --I obviously wrote in the thread that I told him two weeks and I'm out.

 

Have some compassion and stop talking down to people like you're a bitter old woman. Thank you.

 

You received advice and information from a number of people who all said the same thing which was that you shouldn't wait for him. And, then you asked the same question -- theories for waiting for a man.

 

It appeared that it wasn't clear to you about what you were being told, so I stopped sugar-coating it so you would get the message.

 

There is no bitterness in any of this thread. Simply sage advice from strong, secure, independent mature women who have learned from mistakes or from others who've shared their experiences and now we are passing our knowledge and wisdom to you.

 

You are hearing "truth" but you don't like it and want to do what you want to do. People don't like truth sometimes. You didn't come here for wisdom/advice, you came here to find people who will tell you what you want to hear. You received good advice from a number of people and didn't like what you heard because you just want this guy to do/be what you want.

 

You will learn with time. You will go through a few more confusing/hurtful situations. Be patient, be safe, and observe what a man brings to your table and whether or not he is meeting your early dating needs. Dating is a process, not an event.

[nothingsintheflowerz]

Yooooo shut up lmaooo I literally just wrote yesterday that I cut him off so you can chill out and leave me alone now; want to win the argument? You win honey :') Congratulations! Again, thank you to those who were not condescending and understood that I was looking through rose-colored glasses.

[nothingsintheflowerz]

Likeeee I really do understand why me asking for other opinions may have set you off and been frustrating but at the end of the day I wanted to make sure; you need to just let it go and also, being in the situation is much different than getting a brief synopsis. It's extremely difficult being in a situation; how many women do we know have forgiven their cheaters, abusers, liars time and time again while we *beg* them to stop? I've never used negative degrading talk to speak with them even if they did need a second reminder to let these men, people in general, go and if I did, it showed I cared more about my own frustrations than their own. One opinion doesn't fit all; some saw him as being completely genuine who knew him while others didn't, this is a forum not a test. Leave. Me. Alone. I did what you asked me to do and if I didn't agree with y'all I wouldn't have; NEVER did I say that you were wrong, I simply didn't like that y'all expected it to be intuitive. If it's such a stupid question don't answer next time.

[nothingsintheflowerz]

AGAIN, I cut him off, so where is the evidence that I only wanted to hear what I wanted to hear?? There were NO THEORIES about waiting so I didn't. You have no common sense at all. You want to believe that wasn't an honest question; if I had thought that I should possibly wait, of course I'm going to ask again if I feel stupid about not realizing it when others did! You literally make no sense because I literally followed all of this advice. How about you take pregraphs (sorry if I spelled your username wrongs) advice and leave me alone now. (See how I'm writing a lot to make it CLEAR)? Do you get it now? Thanks!

[preraph]

^ No one means any harm. Realize two things about the regulars on this forum and then you won't be so mad at them. One, most of us do not read all the whole thread but are answering after only reading the first post, so that's why you're getting new responders saying to break off after you already broke it off.

 

Second, we do see a lot of the same type problems on here and on your first post, I know I didn't realize you were real young and neither did anyone else until you said so later. So you're still getting replies to the first post when we thought you were old enough to know better and so they were strong opinions that, yes, sort of were intended to shake you into reality. But once those of us who kept reading knew you were real young and couldn't be expected to know these things, of course, then we were more understanding.

 

And I know I am quite proud of you for letting him go. I know it's not easy. If you do want to end the thread because you're tired of people reading the first post and responding accordingly, you can hit the "alert" button at the bottom of the post and just ask the moderators to lock it. Anyway, good luck.

[William]

Thread closed by author request. Thanks for your responses!