stillafool Posted August 29, 2016 Posted August 29, 2016 .. because I got the exact same argument when i was dating the 38 year old last year. . Why do you keep going out with old men?
JewelD Posted August 29, 2016 Posted August 29, 2016 Just arrived back from staying at his house for 2 days. I started THE talk.. I wanted to know if he wanted to have a relationship with me... and you were right... he does not. I was astonished. I thought that we both wanted something serious... but because of his illness and the age difference he doesnt want to take the next step. He still wants to date me because he likes being with me... I feel like I am having a deja vu moment... because I got the exact same argument when i was dating the 38 year old last year. I am so sad about it. i WANT to have a person who cares about and for me 24/7 but at the other hand I am disgusted by him. I am disgusted that he wanted to have a short time fling with a 17 year old, I am disguted that I got to hear that he searched: 'ebony teen porn' because we had dirty talk and i was not with him (before we started dating..), I am disguted that everytime I see a beautiful woman on the tv screen or on the street my heart is racing, because I dont want to see his obvious face hornying over that woman. I am disguted that he told me he is excited about dating a ladyboy, chick with a dick.. because they are horny, and know what to do with a mans body. I hate men. Men are disgusting creatures, and I am scared that I will never find a man that matches my standards. I want to have that man that things I am a 10. I want to have a man that only likes women, not girls. I want to have a man that respects me so much that he doesnt admire beautiful women in my presence (he doesnt talk about them, nor can i see it in his facial expressions). I want to have a man that does not save every beautiful women's picture on his phone to later fap with it. But I don't think that man exists.. I can't let him go at this moment. I am having the time of my life with him. Just talking with him or being in someone's presence makes me so happy. I mean: before this, I only talked with people on uni or on facebook. I love the feeling of being accepted for who I am. You might have better luck if you find someone who isn't a sex offender. You know what he wants and you're still allowing him to use you as a sex toy. Take some responsibility for the fact that you placed yourself in this unhealthy situation and you are refusing to leave it.
Author xxbelieverinlovexx Posted August 29, 2016 Author Posted August 29, 2016 Guys, i really appreciate your input.. and I totally get what you all are saying.. But breaking contact with him = being lonely all over again. The thought of being totally alone is worse to me than spending time with him. I don't chase old men... It just happens all the time that old men want me.. not young guys of my age. Remember: this guy and the last guy I dated, were guys I started talking to without any intention. I like older men. They are more serious. They can and want to take care of you. Young guys aren't ready to commit. And as I told you before: I have been REJECTED by SO MANY people in my life, that it is SO HARD to break contact with the people that ACTUALLY DO LIKE ME. If I am going to break contact with him, it will ONLY GET WORSE WITH ME. BTW: I live in Europe... so him sleeping with a 17 year old is not a crime in my country.
Author xxbelieverinlovexx Posted August 29, 2016 Author Posted August 29, 2016 (edited) The sad thinf about this is that my MUM accepts me dating a 35 year old. I actually expected this from her, as her first boyfriend sexually assaulted me .. And when I confessed 2 years later, she didnt believe me. She believed him, and i had to call him and ask if he assaulted me. She stayed in contact with him. My cousin also sexually Assaulted me..I told them this this year and she has not contacted him about it (it happened in the same vacation the ex assaulted me). I have almost been kidnapped in Greece because my mum let me get drinks with an old mAn from a boat we were on a few times. I went on his scooter and he wanted to drive me to his home. He didnt want to stop driving. I thought I was going to die. I had a vacation fling with a 30+ year old taxi driver when I was on vacation... i was about 15-16. He tried to kiss and tongue me. I cant even remember if we did. i have so many more experiences with old men that tried to have sex with me... Even last year when i went to ireland by myself.. A married 40 year old business man with kids i met on the plane and spent time with, wanted to sleep with me in his hotel room. I feel like good men dont exist and that all men are perverts. Edited August 29, 2016 by xxbelieverinlovexx
JewelD Posted August 29, 2016 Posted August 29, 2016 Guys, i really appreciate your input.. and I totally get what you all are saying.. But breaking contact with him = being lonely all over again. The thought of being totally alone is worse to me than spending time with him. I don't chase old men... It just happens all the time that old men want me.. not young guys of my age. Remember: this guy and the last guy I dated, were guys I started talking to without any intention. I like older men. They are more serious. They can and want to take care of you. Young guys aren't ready to commit. And as I told you before: I have been REJECTED by SO MANY people in my life, that it is SO HARD to break contact with the people that ACTUALLY DO LIKE ME. If I am going to break contact with him, it will ONLY GET WORSE WITH ME. BTW: I live in Europe... so him sleeping with a 17 year old is not a crime in my country. You pointed out that him sleeping with a 17yr old made you uncomfortable, so whatever the law is there, it's still nasty and he's still a pedophile. You didn't accidentally start a convo with these men, they asked, you accepted. You are responsible for having some type of standards for yourself. I've been asked out by all types of bums, including older men. I said no because that's not what I want. You have the choice to say no as well. Not to mention, this man doesn't even like you. He wouldn't even tell you that you were pretty. and he fawns over other women and tells you about it. You mean very little to him outside of your physical assets. If you'd rather be mistreated than be alone with yourself, you have some serious issues to work out. You won't die just because you decide to stop seeing someone who doesn't even like you. The sad thinf about this is that my MUM accepts me dating a 35 year old. Okay, and you seemed to be okay with that fact. You even said this guy wasn't dangerous because your mother and sister said it was normal. If you're conscious enough to list reasons why you're engaging in this behavior, then you are more than capable of stopping said behavior. But if you have resigned yourself to a life of misery and you don't want to stop, then there's really no reason to be complaining. If you want better, do better. There's plenty of young men who would treat you kindly, but how would you meet them when you're too busy wrapped up in the Quaker Oats man? 2
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted August 30, 2016 Posted August 30, 2016 I don't mean to get all preachy but listen.... You say you go to church right? How is your relationship with God? A God who is loving, kind, fatherly, benevolent, sweet, supportive, protective and generous will never, ever, ever forsake you or leave you. You may leave him but he will never leave you. You need to get back to that relationship with GOD not with these older men that are just hurting you babe, they are picking up a broken-winged bird and damaging her wings even more so she can barely fly. God has really healed parts of my heart. There are still days when things are tough but I am in a much better position than where I was say 2 years ago. Someone said before, and I completely agree with. It sounds like you are not ready to date, that you need to get right with you first and start loving you a bit better. Do that and I suggest having a decent relationship with God AND reach out to people in that CHURCH! reach out and tell them what's happening, not necessarily on LSF although, it's a good start. If you have no one to trust then I would go to your local pastor or elder in a church and say you need some form of protection. There are lots of careful, considerate and caring people in churches that are not in the least judgemental and they will look after you. If you continue down this road of seeking the attention of older men because you want someone to look after you and tell you that you're beautiful then these older men whose intent is to break you and control you is all you're going to attract. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted August 30, 2016 Posted August 30, 2016 Location has nothing to do with this, OP - I live in Europe too and still find a man my age and a teenager to be wildly inappropriate. It says a lot about him that he would prey on a girl that young. You say you would miss having someone in your life who actually likes you, but that's probably the worst part because this man doesn't like you. He doesn't give two hoots about you. You need to start surrounding yourself with healthy, emotionally stable people your own age. It sounds like you've been seriously exploited in your life and you deserve a hell of a lot better than this joker. There is a reason women my age won't date this man. We're experienced enough to know that he's a loser. 1
stillafool Posted August 30, 2016 Posted August 30, 2016 Guys, i really appreciate your input.. and I totally get what you all are saying.. But breaking contact with him = being lonely all over again. The thought of being totally alone is worse to me than spending time with him. I don't chase old men... It just happens all the time that old men want me.. not young guys of my age. Remember: this guy and the last guy I dated, were guys I started talking to without any intention. I like older men. They are more serious. They can and want to take care of you. Young guys aren't ready to commit. And as I told you before: I have been REJECTED by SO MANY people in my life, that it is SO HARD to break contact with the people that ACTUALLY DO LIKE ME. If I am going to break contact with him, it will ONLY GET WORSE WITH ME. BTW: I live in Europe... so him sleeping with a 17 year old is not a crime in my country. You are fooling yourself if you think older men want to take care of you. No one wants someone they have to take care of. They like you because they can read your desperation and use it for sex. If one of them had been serious about you you would be in a relationship with one right now which you aren't. You would have a better chance at a relationship with a younger man. I know many young ladies who have young, good looking bfs who are trying to make something of themselves in hopes of marriage and a good life. 1
randall Posted August 30, 2016 Posted August 30, 2016 Sorry to say this but he's considerably older and more experienced and he sounds very much like a sociopathic manipulator. Any 35 year old who is picking up 17-year-old girls for sex whilst also trying to hook up with you and other girls is nothing but a predator. He's got you hooked because you're young and he knows just how to get you infatuated. His abusing his years of experience to manipulate you. 1
Gaeta Posted August 30, 2016 Posted August 30, 2016 You are fooling yourself if you think older men want to take care of you. No one wants someone they have to take care of. They like you because they can read your desperation and use it for sex. If one of them had been serious about you you would be in a relationship with one right now which you aren't. You would have a better chance at a relationship with a younger man. I know many young ladies who have young, good looking bfs who are trying to make something of themselves in hopes of marriage and a good life. And I would like to add that older men often play young women because they are naive, have less experience, still believe in prince charming and pots of gold at the end of the rainbow so it's super easy to fool them. I doubt your guy would have a relationship with a woman his age because a woman his age would never put up with his sh4t! 1
h0000 Posted August 30, 2016 Posted August 30, 2016 OP needs professional help . Unfortunately there's nothing we can do to help her 1
RecentChange Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 Not all men are monsters, unfortunately you have had experience with nothing but predators. You need to GET AWAY FROM THIS MAN and seek professional help. Until you get help, this cycle will continue, over and over. Is that what you want? An endless cycle of abuse? In my first post I said you were ready to make yourself a victim, and that like a wounded animal, he had spotted his prey. Now reading your follow up posts, it's quite apparent that is the situation. Please get help. And do not take any advice from your mother, she started this cycle. I am so sorry that this has become your reality, but you can change the course of things by addressing the abuse you have experienced and learning healthy coping skills. 1
Author xxbelieverinlovexx Posted October 18, 2016 Author Posted October 18, 2016 Hello, a few weeks ago, I stopped dating him. He told me he wasn't in love with me. I was shocked. But tbh: i wasnt in love with him either.. I just couldn't... knowing what a perv he is. Today I just came back from staying in his house (as friends). I told him EVERYTHING that bothered me about him. And he took it well... we are still friends. I am very upset about that I gave myself to him just to keep him. I will never do that again. Now my thinking is: if you aren't up to my standards... then BYE ! I will NOT keep a man just to have a friend or someone who cares about me. I have been focusing on moving out to my university city, and hopefully this will get me more friends. Thank you all for your advice !
babylonsfire Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 Hello, a few weeks ago, I stopped dating him. He told me he wasn't in love with me. I was shocked. But tbh: i wasnt in love with him either.. I just couldn't... knowing what a perv he is. Today I just came back from staying in his house (as friends). I told him EVERYTHING that bothered me about him. And he took it well... we are still friends. I am very upset about that I gave myself to him just to keep him. I will never do that again. Now my thinking is: if you aren't up to my standards... then BYE ! I will NOT keep a man just to have a friend or someone who cares about me. I have been focusing on moving out to my university city, and hopefully this will get me more friends. Thank you all for your advice ! Stop staying in this dude's house before you get assaulted, or hurt, or let your guard down to help him when he's "sad" one night, just stop, its going to hurt you. I hate men. Men are disgusting creatures, and I am scared that I will never find a man that matches my standards. I want to have that man that things I am a 10. I want to have a man that only likes women, not girls. I want to have a man that respects me so much that he doesnt admire beautiful women in my presence (he doesnt talk about them, nor can i see it in his facial expressions). I want to have a man that does not save every beautiful women's picture on his phone to later fap with it. But I don't think that man exists.. There's somethings to address here, but I don't want to do that in your current state. Start seeing boys, not men. You say men can take care of you and do; don't let them, its not their job to take care of you, it's YOUR job to take care of you, and you're young, you need to figure that out right now. Make friends, male, or female, date if you want, but please, do so with other people your own age. Liking older men, because they can take care of you, is going to hurt you the minute they're not there for any reason, death, sickness, relationship ended, abuse, vacations, travel, work, no, you need to be able to take care of yourself to be healthy, and to be in a healthy relationship. 1
Hopeful30 Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 (edited) Lady, everything you listed is bad news. Not to us, but to YOU. You sound so discouraged and hurt with all these things (and you have reason...men don't save random women pictures in their phone). Break it off. Trust me on this one. When I was 19 I dated a 36 year old, and though the experience taught me much, only later in life did I understand I was taken advantage of. I understand if it was a genuine, deep connection, but honey buns, he saves random FB photos in his phone. Do you save random pictures you like? He sounds like bad news, and not because of his age. This isn't insecurity, this is your GUT telling you to walk away. Listen. Your gut will never betray you. Trust it. Edited October 18, 2016 by Hopeful30
Author xxbelieverinlovexx Posted October 19, 2016 Author Posted October 19, 2016 Stop staying in this dude's house before you get assaulted, or hurt, or let your guard down to help him when he's "sad" one night, just stop, its going to hurt you. There's somethings to address here, but I don't want to do that in your current state. Start seeing boys, not men. You say men can take care of you and do; don't let them, its not their job to take care of you, it's YOUR job to take care of you, and you're young, you need to figure that out right now. Make friends, male, or female, date if you want, but please, do so with other people your own age. Liking older men, because they can take care of you, is going to hurt you the minute they're not there for any reason, death, sickness, relationship ended, abuse, vacations, travel, work, no, you need to be able to take care of yourself to be healthy, and to be in a healthy relationship. He is not an abuser... He is not the type of person who would touch me if i did not want to. He keeps his boundaries ... I even tested him and he stopped me all the time. I do agree with you that i NEED to make other friends.. but its very difficult to do so when you are in uni and you only know 1 person from uni you can hang out with some time.
Author xxbelieverinlovexx Posted October 19, 2016 Author Posted October 19, 2016 Lady, everything you listed is bad news. Not to us, but to YOU. You sound so discouraged and hurt with all these things (and you have reason...men don't save random women pictures in their phone). Break it off. Trust me on this one. When I was 19 I dated a 36 year old, and though the experience taught me much, only later in life did I understand I was taken advantage of. I understand if it was a genuine, deep connection, but honey buns, he saves random FB photos in his phone. Do you save random pictures you like? He sounds like bad news, and not because of his age. This isn't insecurity, this is your GUT telling you to walk away. Listen. Your gut will never betray you. Trust it. I do save people's pictures, but then its more because I like the person's hair or makeup. And you are right .. the thing which makes it more disgusting is that he does it with his female FB friends.. But he says that every man saves women's pictures in his phone to fantasize about it later.he calls it a 'fap bank'. I feel like all men are just dirty pigs who will clean up when they have a wife. Once a 40 year old man told me he find girls from 16 and up sexually attractive. I was disgusted. I sometimes catch my dad on watching porn and that makes me really sad. I see men staring at other women when their wives are around and sometimes breaking their neck to see the other women. I dont think that a normal man exists.
eightytwenty Posted October 19, 2016 Posted October 19, 2016 He is not an abuser... He is not the type of person who would touch me if i did not want to. Until he doesn't, and that time can come, or it won't. But he is a pedo and you need to get help, like counseling. You are TOOOOO young for him, enjoy your youth, for goodness sake, get away from men that should be watching out for you(as a father figure), not sleeping with you. 1
Gaeta Posted October 19, 2016 Posted October 19, 2016 He is not an abuser... He is not the type of person who would touch me if i did not want to. He keeps his boundaries ... I even tested him and he stopped me all the time. I do agree with you that i NEED to make other friends.. but its very difficult to do so when you are in uni and you only know 1 person from uni you can hang out with some time. Abuse comes in a variety of shapes. Physical, mental, emotional, financial. Control, manipulation, using ones authority over someone else, isolating someone, is all abuse. While you spend time with this creep you don't put yourself available to meet someone really nice to have a healthy relationship with. Time will fly, you won't be so young anymore soon, you won't be so pretty. Finding a good man will become harder and harder. Let me scare you. Ever seen those lonely ladies sitting by themselves at bars. Older ladies dressed if they were 15, too much make-up, bad hair-color, trying desperately to get some attention? And maybe some good guy is gonna see them and take them away? ....more time you spend with this creep..closer you are getting to be this not so young, not so pretty, lonely older woman.
Author xxbelieverinlovexx Posted October 19, 2016 Author Posted October 19, 2016 Until he doesn't, and that time can come, or it won't. But he is a pedo and you need to get help, like counseling. You are TOOOOO young for him, enjoy your youth, for goodness sake, get away from men that should be watching out for you(as a father figure), not sleeping with you. The question is: are you immediately a pedophile when you really liked a 17 year old girl ? In my country 16 and up is legally accepted to have sex with as an adult (IF its mutual consent). But of course, my stomach turned when I heard that he had sex with her. As a 35 year old MAN you don't hang out with 17 year olds.. or even 19 year olds. But you have to understand that although i KNOW that it is disgusting... i can only let go of him after i have met new people. Now i am not emotionally ready to let go of him as a friend
babylonsfire Posted October 19, 2016 Posted October 19, 2016 He is not an abuser... He is not the type of person who would touch me if i did not want to. He keeps his boundaries ... I even tested him and he stopped me all the time. I do agree with you that i NEED to make other friends.. but its very difficult to do so when you are in uni and you only know 1 person from uni you can hang out with some time. a lot of times our obsession over one person, will blind us to other opportunities; both for friendship, and relationships. do different things, just because you're in a university, doesn't mean your friends need to be. if university life is what defines you right now, where do you go, what do you do, when it doesn't? think about that for what defines you, how you describe your situation so often I hear people complain they can't be somewhere, can't do things they love to do, can't be the person they want to be, can't hang out with anyone else, because of a marriage, a job, a university; I've been one of them myself. I offer two pieces of advice: One, if something is controlling your life, move on, if its a job, there's other jobs out there, if its a city, there's other places to live, if it's your family, stand up to them and tell them, if its a relationship, a person, move on, don't do that to yourself, and them, if it's a college/university, go to another one, or do more than just college/university. Things, people, places, tend to be periods in our life, and if we define ourselves by that period, we have to learn who we are again, and how to be happy, and how to be us, and how to share that with others again, every time that circumstance changes. Two, expand those interests, to things that don't have a time period...I liked a particular video game when I was young, EverQuest; I've since discovered there were things about that I liked, so I know I like a lot of other things now; once I stopped playing EverQuest, I realized there were a ton of other video games. I liked hiking mountains when I was young, but again, I discovered why, it's not just hiking, I appreciate the natural beauty of our world; that's led me to discover I like caves and caverns and spelunking; I like snorkeling and scuba diving and swimming in springs; I enjoy being out to sea in a quiet boat. nature? games? they're not going to go away, not like friends, not like a relationship, or a place I might live. Find what you like, invest time in building yourself up, reading, watching movies, enjoying nature. Learn to enjoy life by yourself, not with a friend, not with a relationship; by yourself first, alone. Learn to love yourself, and being alone, who you are, and what you like. When other people see you enjoy life? They'll naturally become attracted to you, and want to share in that, and spend time with you. It won't be a "let me seek out a friend and I can't make friends", or a "no one is attracted to me" scenario. Trust me, I've been through this, I've seen so many people go through it, it's not easy at first, but it builds a better you. Learn to love yourself, have confidence in yourself, take care of yourself. Time comes when we all have insecurities, we all screw up, we'll fail along the way, sometimes big. I've made a ton of big mistakes, but there's a lot of things I like that I've done right too. I have regrets, but I have so many things I don't regret now too, and the things I don't regret, are more numerous than the things I do. 1
Author xxbelieverinlovexx Posted October 19, 2016 Author Posted October 19, 2016 Abuse comes in a variety of shapes. Physical, mental, emotional, financial. Control, manipulation, using ones authority over someone else, isolating someone, is all abuse. While you spend time with this creep you don't put yourself available to meet someone really nice to have a healthy relationship with. Time will fly, you won't be so young anymore soon, you won't be so pretty. Finding a good man will become harder and harder. Let me scare you. Ever seen those lonely ladies sitting by themselves at bars. Older ladies dressed if they were 15, too much make-up, bad hair-color, trying desperately to get some attention? And maybe some good guy is gonna see them and take them away? ....more time you spend with this creep..closer you are getting to be this not so young, not so pretty, lonely older woman. You are so right about that ! When I was with him... all the other people who contacted me were an annoyance... i only wanted to talk with him ... and thats the worst thing i can do.. I need to start focusing less on him ... and try more to get to know other people (i am not interested in dating anymore for a very long time).
PaperCrane Posted October 19, 2016 Posted October 19, 2016 As an older man who's currently in a relationship with a younger woman, I can see where a lot of what people are saying is coming from. As far as mutual feelings go, age isn't much of a thing. However the practicality of the relationship is much different than a closer age range relationship. This is where the concern lies. Because of my life experience I can not only be a boon but also a severe detriment. It's a fine line sometimes because she can look to me as a father figure of sorts, which is not the intent, however because of the dynamic it can tilt that way. It has to be checked and balanced constantly. This requires a lot of effort and it's not always easy. I'll also echo what another poster said, if he was actually serious about you, he'd be serious about being with you. Watch for actions and not words. So don't be so down on yourself, it isn't your fault when you approach with honest feelings and someone responds with dishonest feelings. 1
Author xxbelieverinlovexx Posted October 19, 2016 Author Posted October 19, 2016 a lot of times our obsession over one person, will blind us to other opportunities; both for friendship, and relationships. do different things, just because you're in a university, doesn't mean your friends need to be. if university life is what defines you right now, where do you go, what do you do, when it doesn't? think about that for what defines you, how you describe your situation so often I hear people complain they can't be somewhere, can't do things they love to do, can't be the person they want to be, can't hang out with anyone else, because of a marriage, a job, a university; I've been one of them myself. I offer two pieces of advice: One, if something is controlling your life, move on, if its a job, there's other jobs out there, if its a city, there's other places to live, if it's your family, stand up to them and tell them, if its a relationship, a person, move on, don't do that to yourself, and them, if it's a college/university, go to another one, or do more than just college/university. Things, people, places, tend to be periods in our life, and if we define ourselves by that period, we have to learn who we are again, and how to be happy, and how to be us, and how to share that with others again, every time that circumstance changes. Two, expand those interests, to things that don't have a time period...I liked a particular video game when I was young, EverQuest; I've since discovered there were things about that I liked, so I know I like a lot of other things now; once I stopped playing EverQuest, I realized there were a ton of other video games. I liked hiking mountains when I was young, but again, I discovered why, it's not just hiking, I appreciate the natural beauty of our world; that's led me to discover I like caves and caverns and spelunking; I like snorkeling and scuba diving and swimming in springs; I enjoy being out to sea in a quiet boat. nature? games? they're not going to go away, not like friends, not like a relationship, or a place I might live. Find what you like, invest time in building yourself up, reading, watching movies, enjoying nature. Learn to enjoy life by yourself, not with a friend, not with a relationship; by yourself first, alone. Learn to love yourself, and being alone, who you are, and what you like. When other people see you enjoy life? They'll naturally become attracted to you, and want to share in that, and spend time with you. It won't be a "let me seek out a friend and I can't make friends", or a "no one is attracted to me" scenario. Trust me, I've been through this, I've seen so many people go through it, it's not easy at first, but it builds a better you. Learn to love yourself, have confidence in yourself, take care of yourself. Time comes when we all have insecurities, we all screw up, we'll fail along the way, sometimes big. I've made a ton of big mistakes, but there's a lot of things I like that I've done right too. I have regrets, but I have so many things I don't regret now too, and the things I don't regret, are more numerous than the things I do. Thank you for your advice ! I have already started to look more for student rooms in my uni city.. and I even met a nice girl who would like to move out to.. So I will focus on that.. And from now on: I will make baby steps into talking less and less more with him, and trying to contact other sane people that i know more, even though i may get rejected again. Tbh: I just wished that I knew you all personally.. the people on this site are so nice and helpful !
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